Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Project Terrible: Baked Baby Jesus (aka The Second Cumming)

Let's start off with a...whatever the hell this is.  Project Terrible is the sometimes-bi-monthly event in which Bloggers like myself pick the worst films available and say 'Here- you review this shit!'  As the Founder, I take it upon myself to turn down no challenge.  That resolve was certainly tested today with Baked Baby Jesus aka The Second Cumming.  What can I say here?  I'd normally go with the non-committal line of 'It's a movie.'  However, this, well, this isn't a movie.  I'm not sure what the hell it is!  At one point, what little narrative there is seems to vanish for something completely random.  About twenty minutes later, it happens again!  The film doesn't even wrap up at all.  It just kind of stops...after the show something completely-unrelated (for like the 8th time).  I defy someone to explain this.  The last time I was this confused and bewildered was when I saw Skeleton Key 2.  Some three years later and I still don't know what that film was about!  I suspect that the same will be said in 2016 when it relates to this one.  The plot is, you know what, screw it.  I won't tell you the plot here.  To find out what little this thing is about, read on...
Yeah- that's the title.  I can't show the whole thing, since people probably still live at the address listed.

1st Scene- A man goes into his Bathroom and pees on a cross...for some reason.  We only JUST started, so hold all questions.
2nd Scene- This Ziggy Stardust-looking guy with a pinata cross shows up, whips the guy with some Pool Noodles and leaves.
3rd Scene- Said man wakes up and-off-camera- gives birth to...a baby doll.  Unfortunately, as he narrates, it is stillborn, so, naturally...
...he cooks and eats it!  No, really.

Stay classy, movie.
After that, we get to my favorite 'scene': the part where they engage in a traffic dispute in a Winn-Dixie Parking Lot!

Seriously, this is in the 'movie' and appears to have shit all to do with anything.  It also appears to be real, as nobody has 'acted' this well in the film so far (nor do they ever!)
In another classy scene, our 'hero' (I guess) walks around 'Babyland' aka the place where they bury all the babies that died!

I guess it's supposed to be funny or something.  It's either that or this has turned into the Video Diaries of the Worst Person in the World.
Some time later, he stumbles across a really-fake-looking corpse (we're talking Katie Vick level!), fondles it (see below) and the plays around with cutting it open.  Naturally.
Later still, he burns an already-ragged American flag (I'll spare you the cap for that) and makes a dog eat food out of a Bible.

Incidentally, there was a scene early on where he spread Miracle Whip (unwilling sponsor) all over the same book.  I have no idea why (in regards to either scene).
For the 'finale,' we first get random footage of Pro-Life and Pro-Choice picketers (for some reason) and our Director just filming Local News coverage of a shooting.

On the plus side, there's someone I recognize in the film.  It's a News Anchor (who has much less black hair nowadays).  So yeah.
As a bonus, I'll leave you with the final shot of the film.  It does exist at the end of the tunnel!  The End.
It's certainly...not a movie.  Yeah, I don't what to say about this.  There are about three ideas here and none of them are executed well.  For example, I glossed over it, but they do a second scene with the baby doll.  Why?  Were you just really proud of that?  Look- I'm used to people trying to make their own horror movies.  Just as part of Project Terrible, I've done Zombie Campout and Butchered.  The former was a real, slightly-silly mess with super-low production values, while the latter was a generic bit of nothing.  This is even less than both of those.  Those either had nothing plots or plots that had been done to death.  This film has no plot.  It's just a weird exercise in cheap-ass nothing or just random footage that appears to have been left on the camera.  It's rare that a film is unable to be reviewed.  This is that film.  As a bonus, here's a photo I took today of the address listed on the 'title card.'  The road has been paved over (if this is the same street from the outdoor bits with the baby), but it still appears to be an innocuous neighborhood.  Who knew that shit non-filmmakers lived so close to me?
Next up, an overlooked film from the 1970s.  Can an all-star cast overcome a 'been there, done that' plot?  Stay tuned...


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Point all of your blame/appreciation to: http://www.geekjuicemedia.com/alex-jowski-reviews.html

    Why he had this film in his collection is anyone's guess.

  3. I should be just totally offended by this thing, but...it's hard to get angry at something when it was clearly created by accident by a bunch of inanimate objects.

  4. Someone mailed me this movie a long time ago. I honestly never stuck it into a VCR until I copied it for you.

    The fact that this movie happened to be so close to where you are is all coincidence.

    1. I should hope so, given that I've never told you where I live. Should I be worried?

      I am sort of glad that the people who made it no longer appear to live there. I'm not sure that I really want to meet someone who films a dog eating canned food off of a Bible!

      I'm not even that religious. It's just weird is all!