Thursday, November 14, 2013

Project Terrible: The Black Knight Returns

It takes a special film at this point to put me to sleep.  I've sat through alot of shit.  I mean, ALOT of shit.  I won't bore you with a list of random films.  Just check out the previous Project Terrible film reviews and you'll see what I mean.  I also happen to love super-hero movies.  I own many of the series' in their entirety, be it Nolan's Batman Trilogy or both Hellboy films.  Given all of that, I was very bored by this film.  What film?  The Black Knight Returns, of course.  While the film was apparently made in 2009, it didn't appear in its current form on Streaming until last year.  Wait- that was the same year that The Dark Knight Rises came out?  Huh.  So yeah, blatant cash-in.  Speaking of cash, this film clearly had very little behind it.  Granted- it is a major step-up from Baked Baby Jesus in that department.  A High School play in Harlem is as well, but the point remains the same.  The story involves a secret organization called The Black Knights, an evil Council and some really fake fighting.  To find out whether this is terrible or Terrible, read on...
Our story begins with a long, scrolling wall of text.  This is...just silly.

Seriously, shell out $100 bucks for a Narrator.  Ugh.
The first real shot of the film shows the titular Black Knight and...this is what we're getting.  The bar has officially been set low.
...and now it just got set lower.  This muzzle flash makes Death Hunter almost look good.

Seriously, what is the logic behind all of this?  The wig, the mask- just everything, you know.
The only 'good' part: Dr. Kantlove from The Amazing Bulk is here!  The trend of Bulk Actors appear in Project Terrible continues (e.c. D.C. Sniper)

He's part of the Council and only appears about four times, but...that's something.  Especially when you consider what I'm left with.
Our hero is Evan Grail (stop and groan, readers) and he's next in the line to be a Black Knight.  Good job ripping off The Phantom, guys.

As it turns out, the Council is doubling-up on their efforts to eliminate the Knights, which means that we get a pair of scenes of the guys 'going out like a bitch.'  Way to build them up.
He's trained for combat by an older man and his black sidekick.  You would think that the sidekick would have to be paralyzed or something (since he's much more intimidating-looking than our hero), but he just doesn't fight or anything.

Try to avoid the obvious comparisons (which I won't).
This is our hero in action.  It's essentially what the live-action super-hero films were careful to avoid (well, after the 1980s).  Nice of you to not learn from them or anything.

Seriously, he's just wearing rubber padding sprayed metallic-black to look like metal.  Iron Hero looks better!  Even Thunderstorm know what, no, he still looks worse.
This is the villain.  It's great when films save me the trouble of having to write jokes.
For some reason, the film decided that it needed to be super-dark.  The girlfriend is rescued, but dies due to the Black Plague (don't ask).  The Mentor tries to help stop the villains with a computer program (or something), but get shot to death.

Wow, I'm depressed and bored.  Joy.
Oh and our hero beats the lame villain after a very brief fight and a 'neck snap' that even current-Seagal would think was lame.  The day is...saved, I guess.  The End.
This is just a dull, silly mess.  One difference between this and Baked Baby Jesus is that this is a film.  It is still a Terrible film though.  Since it qualifies for actual critiquing, it is going to get a lot of the anger that I couldn't direct towards the other film.  The Acting- bad.  Nobody really has a 'presence' or really 'pops.'  The only guy I'll remember in a week is probably the guy who was also in Bulk.  The Writing- awkward and bad.  The Plot is silly and pretentious.  There's an ancient order called The Black Knights that has fought crime for several Centuries?  Right.  The fact that this organization only seems to work in Los Angeles is just icing on the shit cake.  To make the plot work, the other Knights have to be taken out.  The pair that get blown up are one thing (although the scene is played again to pad out the run-time), but the other guy is just sad.  A guy pulls up with a sword and he just goes 'Oh, I guess I lost.'  He doesn't even fight- he just stands there and gets killed!  Wow.  The film also features some truly bad attempts at 'awkward first-date' dialog.  It just hurts.  The Action- bad.  Half of the hits obviously miss, the CG muzzle flashes are awful (see an earlier Screen Cap) and it just looks bad all around.  They clearly tried...but they just weren't that good.  Like I've said many times before, I don't fault people for making films on a tiny budget.  I simply judge the film that they make.  This one sucked.
Up next, I cover the DTV Sequel that I somehow have missed for all this time.  Well, 'missed' isn't the right word to describe my feelings on this alien crap.  Stay tuned...


  1. weren't kidding when you told me about that muzzle flash. My quick experimental attempt at making a muzzle flash effect was better. O_O

  2. They could have slipped you $100 and made a better film.

    That might have doubled the Budget though. Shitty filmmakers have to eat, you know.