Saturday, April 13, 2013

Mondo Bizarro's Top 10 Worst Project Terrible Films

Let's wrap this look at the worst of the worst with the worst Project Terrible films that tormented me the most.  These films were picked out specifically to torture me.  This was a tough one to narrow down, but I think I made the right choices here.

10. Stranded: It's not a terrible film in a technical sense, but it is very not fun.  One big problem was the story: a bunch of people get trapped on Mars and just kind of bicker.  It's a real basic Indy premise that doesn't go anywhere.  The worst part: Vincent Gallo is in it.  He's a very polarizing Actor and does little to change that here.  Moving on...

9. Area 407: I wish that I hadn't Found this Footage.  I don't think that Found Footage films are hopeless.  After all, Trollhunter is great.  This movie is about a bunch of barely-competent people wandering around the Woods being picked off by...something.  The pay-off is terrible and this is why the film is Terrible.

8. Julie & Jack: There's no getting around this crap.  Before Birdemic, there was Julie & Jack.  While sounding like a bad DVD blurb, it is a good warning.  It's the Romance of Birdemic, but without the exploding birds.  It's wrapped up in a confusing and ridiculous Sci-Fi Plot that has to be seen to be believed. It's funny, but you have to really endure alot still.

7. Offspring: It sure was nice and dark.  This movie is about killer cannibals in Maine, but it's not a Stephen King story.  Once you get past the vague plot set-up, you get a film with very violent deaths, no 'light at the end of the tunnel' and lots of cruelty.  It's telling that the last action scene involves a kid killing another kid.  Joy.

6. Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator: You're really not clever.  If this film had a straight-forward plot, it would only be bad.  However, the film has a really stupid meta plot to make it even worse.  It gets even more convoluted as it gets on, leading to a conclusion that anyone with a brain could see coming.  You are just bad, movie.

5. Meat Weed America: Given time, this film will climb the ranks for sure.  I said a lot on it recently, but here's the quick version.  No real plot, no good humor and just overall tedium.  As a sequel, it fails to explain anything.  It's bad.  It's really bad.  If it's terrible nature lingers, it will raise up to #1.

4. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: Speaking of no good humor, here's this thing.  As a fan of dark comedy, I have nothing good to say about this one.  It tries to just be shocking as a pretense for being funny.  If you want to be a dark comedy, then tell a damn joke.  Until then, don't make bad Claymation films about the Manson Family Murders.

3. Mummy Maniac: Repetition repetition repetition.  Bob says that Kill the Scream Queen doesn't qualify as a movie.  If that is the case, then this film just barely qualifies.  You get a little plot at the beginning, some in the middle and a little at the end.  The rest of the film is made up of scenes involving our villain grabbing some lady (not shown), taking her to a warehouse and threatening her for a bit before killing her in the exact same way.  It sucks sucks sucks!

2. We Are the Strange: I still don't know what this is!  This film was given to me with the threat that it would 'give my eyes cancer.'  While my eyes are fine, my brain doesn't know what to think.  It's a confusing, 8-Bit mess with no coherent plot.  If you can make it through the film and explain it to me, go right ahead.  It would be #1 if it wasn't for one non-film...

1. Haunted Poland: So yeah, this is still truly terrible.  This is not a film, at least in any real way.  The short version: a couple of aspiring filmmakers decide to turn their vacation into a film.  The result: a Found Footage film with even less tension, action or drama than any other film of the sub-genre.  There was more going on in even the worst ones, be they Area 407 or 8213: Gacy House.  I won't judge them for not having $20 million to make a blockbuster.  I will, however, judge them for releasing them mess as a film, even if it was for free.  You'll never 'pay so much' to watch a free movie in your life.  Put that on your poster, Haunted Poland.

So that wraps up the worst of the worst.  Only the future will tell what films end up being worse.

You may shudder, but I welcome it!

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