Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Millennial Trash : Teenage Caveman (2001)

The Kids are not alright!  Today's film is Teenage Caveman aka 'What's this movie playing at 3:45 AM on Cinemax?'  Seriously, this one has been forgotten by most- yea?  If you aren't a film nerd like me, here's what you will need to know.  At the end of the 1990's and early 2000's, there was a trend of remaking the films of Roger Corman.  To this day, I don't know why.  The films included The Wasp Woman, A Bucket of Blood (or The Death Artist- as my VHS copy is labeled), She-Creature and this film.  That is not counting non-Corman Remakes as well, including the lame Earth vs. the Spider film.  The notable thing here is that the film is Directed by the guy who made Kids, a movie that was controversial when I was growing up.  It was about teenagers drinking and having promiscuous sex- oh the humanity.  You'll never guess what this has in it!  This one is certainly an odd one and would have been done earlier, but the original Corman film is not readily available.  To find out what (if little) this Remake adds, read on...
It's the end of the World as we know it and I...see a bunch of random signs.  It's basically that Futurama Episode where Fry thinks that he's in the 40th Century.  Oh and it's blue outside- I don't know why.
Unlike the original film, they don't hide the fact that this is post-apocalyptic.  In a tribe, our heroes learn to read in the way that I wish that I had learned as a kid.
After killing his dad (also the Tribe Leader), our hero is left to die in this bit of subtle imagery.  His friends leave the group and try to find their own land to live in.
After nearly dying, they wake up in new clothes a silly-looking loft.  They find that they have new hosts that have only two goals...
 Getting wasted and having a bunch of sex.  I can't tell if this is by the guy who made Kids- can you?
Unfortunately, their hosts were used as lab rats before the apocalypse and carry some sort of weird, mutant gene.  It transmits through sexual contact- like Vampirism- and not everyone can survive it.  Isn't that right, Inside Out Chest Lady?
So yeah, they're mutants and one of the surviving members of the group joins them- since he can take the gene-...only for the lead guy to just kill him for no good reason.  Huh?
After a prolonged chase/fight with our hero and heroine, he blows up.  Our heroine decides that she loves our hero so much that she'll risk dying by having sex with him (too bad you're not a Mormon).  The result?
Our hero shows up to recruit youngsters for his new tribe (an ending re-used by Goth) in possibly the silliest non-Clown outfit ever.  Seriously, this is supposed to be the dark ending. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  The End.
Dear God, this film is dated-looking!  In all seriousness, there's not much plot here.  There are a bunch of 'teenagers' who end up in the mutant people's loft, have sex and then people start to die.  There's really not much more to it.  It's clear that the mutant people are bad really early on, but you're not supposed to.  To be honest, the pay-off is not really worth it.  I mean, they kill a couple people, but that's it.  We've all seen that before, haven't we?  The worst part is just how dated the whole thing looks.  The style, the fashion, the attitude- everything.  This one of those 'time capsule' films- for better or for worse.  For me, it just makes the whole thing seem even sillier.  In the End, this is a very forgettable film.  This is usually the point where I cut to some boobs, so let's try something different...
Next up, I cover a crazy Import film from India.  It's the crazy hybrid of The Matrix, Virtuosity and Iron Man,'s weird.  Stay tuned...

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