Christopher Lambert as a vampire! This is just genius casting! He shows up and kills the Russian couple, but takes time to enjoy it. He even mocks the guy for not shooting him in the heart when he had the chance. Oh yeah, he can also set crosses on fire like in Bram Stoker's Dracula- I still don't know how that works. He kills the girl and the best friend character, but relishes killing Sevier. Fortunately, Elizabeth shows up and explains everything. You see, she is Bathory's daughter- no shit- and became a vampire to kill the husband's family line. They have a silly kung-fu fight, but she loses. He tries to kill the priest, but he escapes by praying, having a light shine on him and teleporting away. No, really. He has a face-off again with Sevier and beats up Elizabeth some more. Finally, he gets killed by Sevier in a cop-out scene. Boo, movie! After this, Sevier nearly dies as he crawls towards the light, so Elizabeth bites him. He wakes up...in the field by the crash site from before. Explain, movie! As it turns out, the trio died in the crash, so Elizabeth goes to Limbo to bring him back. Yes, the entire third act took place in Limbo. On second thought, don't explain movie! Sevier tries to save the group, but history repeats itself. He is not happy about being a vampire, but will learn to accept it. In the Epilogue, the pair get picked up by a man who knows that they're vampires. Um, okay.
Friday, September 3, 2010
WTF France?!?: Metamorphosis (2008)
The French are a strange lot. For example, they helped us fight our war for independence that was done under the auspices of 'religious freedom.' In modern day France, they've been trying to ban any sign of Muslims or their cultural heritage. They founded the idea of existentialism, which places more value on ideas than objects. Today, France is one of the major commerical countries in the world. It's this odd dichotomy that leads me into today's film: Metamorphosis. It's a French vampire film that manages to have one really awesome part to it, but otherwise be disappointing. How can a movie be both good and bad at the same time? Well, the French pull it off! The film finally gives us one thing that we've secretly been wanting to see. What is that? You'll have to wait and see like I did. I can tell you that it stars Corey Sevier and Christopher Lambert and offers a very *different* look at a historical villain. Confusingly, the movie is a French production, but set in Hungary and filmed in English. My brain hurts. Will more parts of me hurt? Get out your holy spear for my review of...