Saturday, September 11, 2010

Blockbuster Anniversary Trash: The 9/11 Commission Report (The Asylum's)

Yes, they went there.  I usually don't talk about stuff like this, but when I was reminded that this movie existed, I had to talk about it.  Part of your understanding here has to be based on a reminder: The Asylum make bad movies.  Some of them are better than they should be (e.g. I Am Omega) or have enjoyable actors in them (e.g. Transmorphers: Fall of Man), but most of them suck!  They've tried to turn their reputation into that of a company that makes kitschy films like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Titanic 2 (yes, really), but they mostly make dull and/or painful films like Death Racers or Tokyo/Monster.  The biggest thing about them is that they make movies to capitalize off of upcoming *presumed to be* hit films.  This is amusing at times, but also leads to stuff like this.  Back in 2006, Oliver Stone wanted to make a memorial film about the tragedy that took place on 9/11/01.  Personally, I saw it as a bit tacky, but he was going in with a good heart.  The same could be said for the people behind United 93- another film I found to be tacky.  The Asylum's film is a cheap attempt to knock-off a film that arguably exploits a national tragedy- it's doubly-despicable!  So yeah, this is going to end well.  Get out your FICA Warrant for my review of...
This film is really just a series of random scenes of people talking.  What are they talking about, you ask?  Well, a man signs up for flight school and says cryptic things.  Nobody questions this until later, but it's not really all that notable.  A government agent talks cryptically about some operation.  An agent gets hired by that giant-nosed chick from Monster/Tokyo.  They talk about a government operation to kill Osama Bin Laden...while walking down a busy street in London.  How was this operation compromised again?!?  By the way, if you actually see this, count all the extras that nearly look right into the camera here.  Plus, check out the bit where a guy starts to walk in front of the camera and they suddenly change camera angles.  Seriously?
So yeah, we get more talking and, well, more talking.  They say things that could be interesting- like a woman explaining how killing Bin Laden is a viable option- but kill it with bad delivery and severely-muted acting.  I actually read a review from a British paper that talked about this containing 'The Asylum's best actors'- that's sad.  The big thing to note from the latter half of the movie is a very direct bias against 'Liberals.'  The FBI Agent wants to arrest the man taking flight classes, but those damn ACLU guys 'put a stop to that.'  My favorite part is where the random guy from Tokyo/Monster that helped the sisters outside and died off-camera plays a 'Democrat' who throws his authority in the Republican guy's face.  Yeah, remember all the authority they had in the year 2000 after Republicans took the White House & still controlled Congress.  Could you at least lie in a way that's feasible, guys?
By the way, I'm sure you're wondering- do they go there?  Here's the most they actually have the guts to do...
This movie is terrible!  It's pure, political exploitation that makes no damn sense.  The whole thing is hinged upon you believing their view of history.  It just doesn't synch up with, oh, reality!  On top of all that, the movie is just dull.  They pack a little action into the ending bit, I guess, but it's far too late.  This movie about political intrigue and the 'build-up' to the most tragic terrorist event in United States history is boring!  How can you do that?  The worst case scenario is that you play fast and loose with history (already done) in order to make action scenes occur.  Yeah, they don't do that.  If you think that the West Wing is too exciting for you, then this is your movie.  Unlike that show, the writing is terrible and just puts you to sleep.  This movie is just pointless and terrible.  How many 'terribles' are required for an Asylum film?  Just to cover my bases: terrible.
Next up, I celebrate 9/12 with a man more insane and dangerous than Glenn Beck.  Will his rally end the same way that his did?  Stay tuned...


  1. say what you will about the asylum, at least they had the courage(?) to make this film when thers shied away from it (good call?). i mean, sure, it's no oliver stone film. shit, it isn't even united 93, but it's an affort, and are there no more A's for effort?

    COMMITTED - the asylum blog

  2. I don't agree. This is the worst kind of exploitation.

    It doesn't take courage to exploit a national tragedy. It takes certain traits, but not that one.

    By the way, I do believe in 'As for Effort.' I don't, however, believe in 'As for Affort.'