Saturday, April 29, 2017

Triple B Flix: Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Another day, another silly Sidaris Film.  I'm only 1/6 of the way through this Set and I can already see most of what will come.  Today's Film is Hard Ticket to Hawaii, the 1987 Action-Comedy that set up most of the man's future works.  He's got another Decade of these to go, folks!  In this Film, the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies are set up, as is the Tone.  By the Tone, of course, I mean, just about every Tone imaginable.  Like Malibu, this one has about 16 Plots.  Some barely qualify as them (like the Sports Reporter one) and others fight for Screen Time (like the Snake one).  The overall Plot involves a bad guy's Diamonds, lots of boobs and lots of shooting.  This one is so dumb and silly that it almost seems to be self-aware- almost.  On the plus side, it makes a great Tourist Video for Hawaii, provided you don't associate it with Cop-Killing Drug Dealers, killer Snakes and Explosions.  Is this the start of something good or just more silliness?  To find out, read on...
Okay, stay with me here...

Our Heroine is an Agent who is guarding a woman in Witness Protection...and also making her work with her at a Courier Service.  Make sense?
Meanwhile, a Drug Dealer delivers payment to the same Island that THEY are transporting people (and a snake) to via Remote Control Helicopter.

Naturally, how else could you possibly do it?
So now the duo have the Diamonds and are the targets of the bad guys.  That Witness Protection thing sure backfired, huh?

Also, they did have to be topless for this.  Why would you question that?
Our Heroes finally get called into action...about half an hour or so in.  They don't actually meet up with our Heroines for another half hour though.
While not crucial to the Plot, I have to explain this Malibu Express Poster.  You ready?

So the Lead in Express quit being a Detective to become an Actor and then apparently made his recent exploit into the Film.  Oh and our new Lead is his Brother.

That or it was a fictional Film and I somehow saw it.  What is REALITY?!?!?!?
With that existential crisis on the back-burner, enjoy this bit where our Heroes shoot a guy with a rocket launcher.  Thankfully, he switched places with this dummy.
Skipping past the convoluted nature of the Story (which include a kidnapping, implied torture and a cross-dressing man and a snake kill), here is another explosion.

There is also a D-Plot featuring the Reporter and his Boss (Sidaris) salvaging a Piece.  Do you care?
The main Villain is not killed with the rest and fights out Heroine back at home.  After two fake-out deaths (seriously!), the killer snake Plot wraps up as it kills the Villain (for real) and gets its head blown up.

Yes, in the same Film, an RPG can blow up a man, a Helicopter AND just the head of a snake.
As for the main Villain (one of the two Guest Stars), he tries to win by throwing a Katana (despite being presented as half-British/half-Chinese) and dies violently.  One more Boat wrap-up and we're out!
Comedy Pewter.  This one is a real mixed bag of silly, stupid and strange.  One Plot involves a bad guy smuggling Drugs with a cross-dressing Informant, armed Henchmen and a muscular Lady goon.  Another involves a Snake that was apparently contaminated via rat tumors (right!) that kills people.  We also get 2 idiot tough guys who eventually show up, get delayed and finally help the Plot in the last 20 minutes.  There is also the random Plot with the Sports Reporter...who also turns out to be our other Heroine's Boyfriend (thanks to an off-screen Scene).  That sure helps get the Film to nearly 90 minutes by adding a slow, make out on the beach bit.  The sad thing is if you cut out that Scene, the almost Sex Scene with our Female Lead and the other random topless bits, the thing is barely an hour!  Sidaris was into big things- just not Screenplays!  Here is a sample bit of filler for you.  The Reporter sits down at a table, spends 3 minutes explaining why he takes certain pills to 2 guys (credited as Soul Food Lovers), takes said pills and leaves, which is followed by them saying how much they love Soul Food.  Could you imagine how bad the Film would be without this crucial part?!?  This is goofy, nudity-filled nonsense.  I have 10 more of these to get through, so wish me luck.  Paint Blurring- don't fail me now!
Next up, a break from Sidaris.  Don't worry- I'm not getting away from bad Action Films with busty Female Leads though.  Stay tuned...

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