Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Island Claws

Long, long ago, I reviewed Island Claws.  It was dumb.

That said, this Spanish Language Poster (I'm guessing it is from Mexico, but I don't know) is kick-ass!

Yeah, the Crab is not that big.

As a bonus, why is there so much attention paid to the Special Effects guy?  Is he the biggest Star?

As a bonus, here's the non-touched up Version of what I found.  It is mostly intact, but the original was clearly folded to hell.

You're welcome.

Triple B Flix: Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Another day, another silly Sidaris Film.  I'm only 1/6 of the way through this Set and I can already see most of what will come.  Today's Film is Hard Ticket to Hawaii, the 1987 Action-Comedy that set up most of the man's future works.  He's got another Decade of these to go, folks!  In this Film, the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies are set up, as is the Tone.  By the Tone, of course, I mean, just about every Tone imaginable.  

Like Malibu, this one has about 16 Plots.  Some barely qualify as them (like the Sports Reporter one) and others fight for Screen Time (like the Snake one).  The overall Plot involves a bad guy's Diamonds, lots of boobs and lots of shooting.  This one is so dumb and silly that it almost seems to be self-aware- almost.  On the plus side, it makes a great Tourist Video for Hawaii, provided you don't associate it with Cop-Killing Drug Dealers, killer Snakes and Explosions.  

Is this the start of something good or just more silliness?  To find out, read on...

Okay, stay with me here...

Our Heroine is an Agent who is guarding a woman in Witness Protection...and also making her work with her at a Courier Service.  Make sense?

Meanwhile, a Drug Dealer delivers payment to the same Island that THEY are transporting people (and a snake) to via Remote Control Helicopter.

Naturally, how else could you possibly do it?

So now the duo have the Diamonds and are the targets of the bad guys.  That Witness Protection thing sure backfired, huh?

Also, they did have to be topless for this.  Why would you question that?

Our Heroes finally get called into action...about half an hour or so in.  They don't actually meet up with our Heroines for another half hour though.

While not crucial to the Plot, I have to explain this Malibu Express Poster.  You ready?

So the Lead in Express quit being a Detective to become an Actor and then apparently made his recent exploit into the Film.  Oh and our new Lead is his Brother.

That or it was a fictional Film and I somehow saw it.  What is REALITY?!?!?!?

With that existential crisis on the back-burner, enjoy this bit where our Heroes shoot a guy with a rocket launcher.  

Thankfully, he switched places with this dummy.

Skipping past the convoluted nature of the Story (which include a kidnapping, implied torture and a cross-dressing man and a snake kill), here is another explosion.

There is also a D-Plot featuring the Reporter and his Boss (Sidaris) salvaging a Piece.  Do you care?

The main Villain is not killed with the rest and fights out Heroine back at home.  After two fake-out deaths (seriously!), the killer snake Plot wraps up as it kills the Villain (for real) and gets its head blown up.

Yes, in the same Film, an RPG can blow up a man, a Helicopter AND just the head of a snake.

As for the main Villain (one of the two Guest Stars), he tries to win by throwing a Katana (despite being presented as half-British/half-Chinese) and dies violently.  One more Boat wrap-up and we're out!

Comedy Pewter.  This one is a real mixed bag of silly, stupid and strange.  One Plot involves a bad guy smuggling Drugs with a cross-dressing Informant, armed Henchmen and a muscular Lady goon.  Another involves a Snake that was apparently contaminated via rat tumors (right!) that kills people.  We also get 2 idiot tough guys who eventually show up, get delayed and finally help the Plot in the last 20 minutes.  There is also the random Plot with the Sports Reporter...who also turns out to be our other Heroine's Boyfriend (thanks to an off-screen Scene).  That sure helps get the Film to nearly 90 minutes by adding a slow, make out on the beach bit.  The sad thing is if you cut out that Scene, the almost Sex Scene with our Female Lead and the other random topless bits, the thing is barely an hour!  Sidaris was into big things- just not Screenplays!  Here is a sample bit of filler for you.  The Reporter sits down at a table, spends 3 minutes explaining why he takes certain pills to 2 guys (credited as Soul Food Lovers), takes said pills and leaves, which is followed by them saying how much they love Soul Food.  Could you imagine how bad the Film would be without this crucial part?!?  This is goofy, nudity-filled nonsense.  I have 10 more of these to get through, so wish me luck.  Paint Blurring- don't fail me now!

Next up, a break from Sidaris.  Don't worry- I'm not getting away from bad Action Films with busty Female Leads though.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Gnaw- Food of the Gods, Part 2

Years ago, I reviewed this Film.  It was bad.

To be fair, it was a Sequel to Food of the Gods.  It was always going to suck.

That said, Thailand gave us this...

Nice one!

The Film still sucked though.

Triple B Flix: Malibu Express (1985)

At last, a Film that manages to make you bored with seeing boobs.  This is Malibu Express, the 1985 Film Debut of Andy Sidaris (provided you don't count his TV Movies or Seven).  He's famous for churning out a ton of cheap, sleazy Action Films through the 80s and 90s.  Well, I have a Box Set with 12 of his Films to get through!  His Films are famous as being Triple B- Bullets, Bombs and Boobs/Babes.  As I go through these, you may notice a pattern or two.  

This is not the *official* start to his pseudo Franchise involving the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies, but it is close enough.  The Plot involves blackmail, murder, boobs and a random-ass Ending.  Sybil Danning is here in a 'Special Appearance' (despite being in about 6 Scenes), since she is the biggest Star here.  

UPDATE: Turns out that this Film is a Remake of Stacey (also by Sidaris), so I added the Remake Tag 4 Years Later.

This Story is all sorts of strange and random.  Is this pure Exploitation or pure fun?  To find out, read on...

After some narration about our Hero that gives us some clunky exposition, Danning here seeks a Detective for a case.  Thankfully, the guy she asks is part of our Hero's Yacht Club!

Unfortunately, the Film introduces a Subplot involving the Buffington Family.  They are Comedy Hillbillies that keep challenging our Hero to a race.

They literally stop the Film cold.  Twice.

She hires our Hero after a night on the Town (in THAT dress) and sleeping with him.  Of course!

He infiltrates a rich Family with one thing in common- having sex with the Chauffeur.

On top of that, he's attacked by a trio of henchman working for some businessman who is working with one of the Daughters.  Random!

After trying to blackmail the Patriarch since he owed lots of money, the Chauffeur is shot by a mysterious person.  The Film is half over, so finally get the Plot going!

Our Hero works the case with a lady Detective.  They go to the victim's place and...have sex.

No, really.

Can our Hero rise above being awful to save the day and solve the mystery?

As it turns out, the Chauffeur took a picture of his killer and it seems to be...that young Daughter.

In her defense, she was sort-of raped by him.  However...

He doesn't think that she could have done it.  He goes to see Sybil Danning and...

She exposition dumps via tape recording that she did it since the Chauffeur was actually going to sell Missile Secrets to the Russians.  He can't prove it, but the lady is free anyhow and he goes on Vacation.  The (huh?!?) End.  

What a random-ass Film.  This Film was Written, Produced and Directed by the late Sidaris.  As such, he had 100% control of the Story and Cut.  That actually explains a lot!  

This Story somehow involves a P.I. with Daddy Issues, a Racecar Driver, Hillbilly Races, Spies, Boobs, Extortion, Shooting, Fighting, more Racing and, finally, some Mission: Impossible stuff.  As part of Danning's cover, the tape plays and then explodes when completed, plus the mask she used to look like the other Lady melts on cue...somehow.  Our Hero's only evidence of innocence for the lady is that she had to be left-handed for one part of the crime and the real one is right-handed.  Would we even need the Innocence Project if it was that easy?!?  

Yes, I did just reference a Death Row Defense Initiative in an Andy Sidaris Film!  

The real Star of this Film- boobs.  They are just everywhere.  Our Hero has sex with Danning, hangs out with two Penthouse Models on his Boat, sleeps with a Detective, witnesses evidence of earlier Nudity, gets flashed by a Mechanic and ultimately gets saved by the Driver flashing her tits for the 300th time.  Two things- one flashing is literally done in the back of a shot with no focus on it.  Second, that Mechanic lady is greeted by our Hero, asks for something fast and she flashes him, explaining that SHE is the fastest thing in the Desert.  

Yes, a man did Write this.  

Aside from being chock full of pointless Nudity, bad Humor and so-so Writing, Express is...pretty forgivable as dumb entertainment.  Plus, it gives us the best non-Bond name for a Lady EVER...

Next up, the first official Sidaris Film in the Series.  More Boobs, Bombs and Bullets!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Teen Titans- The Judas Contract

This one was delayed a bit due to technical errors that delayed some Posts.

In Teen Titans: The Judas Contract, our Heroes are going after Brother Blood.  Speaking of Blood, he walks out of a confrontational Interview with a Reporter.

The next time we see him, he is bathing in, well, blood.

The source of that blood- the Reporter!

Think about this in a real world comparison....

Anderson Cooper interviews David Miscavige at a Scientology Center.  He subsequently kills after leaving an Interview.

Why did we even need the Teen Tians to step in?  Where are the Police?!?!?

The lesson: be careful when you interview Steve Bannon.  He may kill you and bathe in your blood! 

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Night Creature

Late last year, I finally covered this Film- when I got it for essentially free from Moviestop- and it kind of sucked. 

It does have a neat Poster though...

A Bloodbath of Horror?  Besides sounding like a bad Vincent Price Film, that is a lie.

This is the Film's big Action Scene.

What a crock.

Speaking of which, I'd like to show you the original Cover Art that I spruced up.  Why is this pink?  Was it made by Bret Hart?

Either way, the Story is more interesting than Night Creature.

Pilot Wings: The Man in the High Castle

As someone who has not read the Story, why not watch the Show?

Coming from Amazon, this was one of the big acquisitions when all of the Streaming Services started to battle it out.  Who would win in the epic battle between House of Cards, Transparent, The Man in the High Castle and...Community?  Well, it wasn't the last one.  In any event, this has been a long-dormant project, so people were excited to see it come to life.  Did it live up to expectations?  Let's see how the Pilot does...

To the Show's credit, the opening Titles tell the tale quite well- Germany got 'the bomb' first and we lost the War.

Nearly 20 years later, America struggles to resist.

A young man takes a job working for the Resistance to impress his Dad.

I love my Dad, but I don't know if I love him *that much.*

The Resistance is being pursued by a mean old Nazi who loves to torture and manipulate.

Fun Fact: 'Nazi' is actually a pejorative for Hitler's Soldiers.  Why is it their new name now?

Outside of the direct confrontation, the common man (and DJ Qualls) is wondering about the future, as Hitler appears to be ill and his possible successors will probably nuke us.

In the Story's big moment, our Heroine gets some Newsreel Footage that appears to show the United States winning the War.  How is that possible?

On top of all that, there is the more subtle conflict between Japan (which controls about half of the former United States) and one bit Plot Twist to make things even worse.

If you're like me and haven't watched this, give it a look.

As a non-expert, it is good.  Is it much different from the Phillip K. Dick Story?  I couldn't tell you.  I did read that the mysterious Newsreel was a mysterious Book in the original?  To be fair, a man wrote a fake History of Atlantis many Centuries ago and people STILL think that is real.  A Newsreel feels like more of a concrete bit of evidence though.  With that out of the way, this Pilot does a real good job of setting up the situation, introducing Characters and moving the Plot forward.  It isn't just all build-up.  It doesn't stall when it comes to setting up its Characters.  This is a nice example of how you do a Pilot.  It gives me people I care about, a situation that's interesting and makes me want to see more.  Good job.  If you're still not on board yet, take a look for yourself.  If you are on board, tell people to see it...

Considering I went in relatively-blind, I think it turned out right.  With 2 Seasons now online, I may have to catch up soon.

My Crazy Youth: That Time that Johnny Bravo Dated an Antelope

As a kid, I loved Johnny Bravo.  It was so odd, random and goofy.

Sure, they eventually 'jumped the shark' by focusing more on him with his Aunt and some kid.  They weren't all bad, but they weren't quite the same.  In other words, they were equivalent to post-Fox Futurama or post-Fox American Dad.

Note to Shows: never leave Fox and switch Networks.  That also applies for NBC- right, Community?

The Show had so many odd Episodes, but this one stands for a couple of reasons...

This is Johnny Bravo.  He's a Ladies Man.

He was also inspired by a Brad Pitt Film.  No, not Cool World.  This one.

In a Plot that would be new and topical for its time (1997), he tries Internet Dating.  This happens.

In spite of tempting Bestiality, Johnny goes on the date.  It gets weird.

As it turns out, she was actually using Johnny to get back at her boyfriend- this Crab.

Which is more shocking- what happens to Johnny here or the fact that A KID'S SHOW has a Crab involved in a (presumably sexual) relationship with an Antelope?

How would that even work?!?

Wow.  Just wow.  Johnny Bravo was always a weird, funny Show.  Yes, the quality did drop over time.  What Show is still cranking out their best work 7 years in?  I feel like I'm paraphrasing someone here, but I can't think of who.  In any event, this Episode is an odd one.  Johnny dates an Antelope.  Antelopes talk- at least, this one does.  Antelopes get Driver's Licenses.  Antelopes think they can drive Cars.  An Antelope is dating a Crab.  Seriously how does that even work?!?

If you remember Shows like this from when you were younger, they are worth giving another look.  Some may be dated as hell and not that funny to you anymore.  On the other hand, they might still hold up and prove to be weirder than you remember.  Plus, you never know what kind of name you'll see in the Credits...

Pretty strange stuff as a kid.  As an Adult, it feels even weirder!

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Wild Beasts

Wild Beasts is a weird, fun Film.  It's actual Poster is pretty great.

That said, there's also one from Thailand, so...

I love this.  It is just so random and full of stuff.

How can you not love something this pulpy and fun?

You can't.  It is literally impossible.

Holiday Flix: The Suns of Easter Island

When in doubt, go with the pun.  Hey, it worked for Thanksgiving!  Today's Film is The Suns of Easter Island, a French Film about the famous Island.  It is all very weird, but it does have Easter in the name.  Who knew that those Natives were so into hiding eggs?!?  It is, of course, not about Easter one bit.  I did Blaxploitation for Thanksgiving and British Sci-Fi for Earth Day, so why not this?  It is all very...Arty.  Yes, that word gets thrown around alot.  It totally fits here though.  The rough plot involves 6 random people drawn to Easter Island for a big event.  I just hope it isn't another Al Capone's Vault situation!  I don't pretend to be an expert on French Cinema.  That said, I try to track down the weirdest stuff out there.  Be honest- how often do people talk about this Film?  Is this Film super-deep?  Does it touch upon life's greatest mystery?  Is it pretentious as all hell?  To find out, read on...

A Scientist working on Solar Power is the key to this mystery- an event that brings together 6 disparate people.

One day, he wakes up with a mysterious mark on his hand.  As he narrates to us in a bit, this kind of thing happens all over the World!

The Film spends the next half hour or so introducing the random people to you, including a Horse Breeder and a Doctor overseas.  It is all very...zzz...

Before they meet up, we get all sorts of random stuff highlighting mysteries of the World like random Hieroglyphs.

They also make a point of diagramming the mysterious marks, which adds...well, nothing.

The group sure do talk like Intellectuals from the 1970s.  I mean...just...this.

Over an hour in, the group is finally united and travels to the titular Island.  Naturally, this happens.

They do a whole ceremony and try to commune with some sort of alien force.  Does it work?

Yes and no.

The Aliens apparently reject us, but may return later.  Did you expect more from a French Film?

The group agrees to be ready for the return of said Aliens and to evolve the World.  O-kay.  The End.

Complicated and pretentious stuff.  In other words, I should have made Bob watch this.  To be clear, the Film isn't bad.  It is just so crazy and full of itself.  Someone turned a 2,000 page dissertation into a Film.  It is just...so complicated.  Should I be impressed?  Yes.  Someone clearly put alot of work into all of this.  I just...just don't.  This is dense, convoluted stuff that I'm sure will impress many.  It is all about deep thought, studies and thinking about the World.  I'll stick with Killer Rabbits, thank you very much.  Joking aside, The Suns of Easter Island is an underrated and very obscure Film.  Sure, it has a Title Card made on craft paper and double Subtitles (with the English ones) alot, but...good (just for you- not me).

Happy Easter, folks.  Try not to grow metal studs on your hands today.