Sunday, February 26, 2017

10 Best Picture Nominee *Substitute* Films

Are you too cool or too busy to watch the Best Picture Nominees this year?  If so, I can suggest some alternative programming that will totally give you the same experience.

Sure, they also happen to be Films featured on the Site too, but that's just a bonus for me...I mean, you.  Feel free to use that Search Bar on the page though.

10. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom (for The Birth of a Nation): So there's only 9 of these things and I want a Top 10.  Plus, why not take more time to talk about the most misguided Film in History?

The basic brief: the men who created Mondo were accused of both faking their Footage and of being Racist.  To counter that, they made an intentionally-fake 'Documentary' about Slavery in the South.  No, really.

9. Horrors of War (for Hacksaw Ridge): Sure, that Film is about a Pacifist in War.  However, it also features tons of Gore- something you expect with Gibson at the helm.  Well, this one has that too, plus Super-Soldiers that turn into Zombies and Werewolves.  Wouldn't you rather watch this?

8. The Ninth Configuration (for Fences): This is a Master Class in Acting.  The only downside: it is obviously shot exactly like the Play that inspired it.  Along those lines, see the less-regarded and only other Film by the late William Peter Blatty.  It is Directed like a Play too (no doubt to make it easier for the 1st time Director) and features plenty of Acting.  That's mostly the same.

7. Generation Um.. (for Manchester by the Sea): Do you love Acting?  Do you love sadness?  If so, I've got...a different Film for you.  As a bonus, it is boring as hell, so you can watch only 20 minutes and take a nap.  Sorry, Casey.

6. Poker Run (for Hell or High Water): This is about 2 guys doing bad things for a good reason in the American Southwest.  Wouldn't you know it, I have another one of those.  In this Film, two wannabe Bikers must do bad things in order to save their ladies.  Sure, High Water has Jeff Bridges, but this one has 'Dario Cueto' in it.

5. Communion (for Arrival): In one great Film, mysterious Aliens show up to share a secret, powerful language.  In, mysterious Aliens show up to probe an Author (played by Christopher Walken).  Tomato, tomato.

4. Black Cobra (2012) (for Moonlight): One is a touching tale of a Child who goes through hardship and tries to grow up to be a good person.  The other is a tale of a Man who goes to America to trade Diamonds to get his Dad out of jail.  Sure, one is critically-acclaimed, but it has far less kicking than this one.

3. Return of the Vampire (for Hidden Figures): This Film tells the tale of Black Female Scientists who helped the Space Program work.  This other Film tells the tale of a Female Biologist who kills 'Dracula' and a Wolfman.  Which is really more impressive?

2. Dhoom/Dhoom 2 (for Lion): A story about a young Indian boy who grows up away from his home and returns as an Adult to learn his true identity- good.  Now what if the Adult turned into a kick-ass Cop who can take down Crime Bosses and a Super-Thief?  That's better, right?

1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (for La La Land): You either love or hate this 'love letter to classic Movie Musicals.'  You definitely have a much clearer opinion on this 'classic Movie Musical.'  It features The Beatles....' music and The Bee-Gees.  Is Ryan Gosling really better than Robin Gibb?

Enjoy these alternative picks as you wonder who will win and just who will have the best 'burn' on Donald Trump.  Fun times.

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