Sunday, July 15, 2012

WTF Japan?!?: I Was A Teenage Ninja

You lie!  This movie is a blatant, blatant lie.  You see, this movie is billed as I Was A Teenage Ninja, a low-budget Ninja film.  I can deal with that.  This movie is not that.  No, it's, well, kind of a porn film.  Seriously, the full title is Legend of the Voluptuous Kunoichi: Christian Kunoichi Aome's Story.  That's a mouthful- no horrible pun intended.  Why does this have a U.S. release?  I'm all for Import films, but why movies like this?  This is just an odd Fetish film from Japan with nothing else to sell it.  Even crazy Fetish films like The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai have a weird sort of value, if only for having a cloned finger of George W. Bush that is red, white and blue.  Only I appreciate that value, but it still counts...dammit.  I'll share what I can about this film, but bear in mind that pauses between sections will be porn.  I don't recommend this movie, but I figure that I could do a service to everyone to avoid accidentally seeing it.  To find out just how twisted this gets, read on...
The opening of the movie is the action scene that will immediately follow it, only with a black-and-white filter on it.  It's here that they explain why Kunoichis (aka Lady Ninjas) are more powerful than.  It's also clear that this movie is a porn...
The story begins properly in a flashback with famous Missionary Frances Xavier...who is played by a Japanese actor (despite being Spanish) and has a read-right-to-left Bible.

Considering that you're reading it TO THEM and this is not a copy FOR THEM, what the hell is this crap?
However, his sin is lusting after a Japanese woman (insert porn scene here), they have a baby and are instantly chased out of town.  Sure- whatever.

Regardless, he is killed by a Ninja.  Damn you, Japan!
18 Years Later (note the fake beard), our heroine is raised to be a Kunoichi and, well, do Kunoichi stuff.  For example, there is a kidnapper/rapist on the loose, so...
...she gets kidnapped and raped by the guy.  No, really- that's the plan.  She uses her 'sexual magic' to do, well, you figure it out...
Speaking of sexual content, our heroine's blind friend is captured by the villains and...well, porn stuff.
Speaking of porn, this also happens.  It serves no purpose- yes.
It all comes down to a showdown between our heroine and the villain, who is...wait for it...Aome's mother.  You'll never guess what happens next.
Seriously, if you guessed that her Mother captured and fondled her, you're pretty sick.  You'd also be right, but that's beside the point.
After being rescued by her Mentor (nice film cheat BTW), the two do battle.  As a Satanist, the Mother has magic, crappy CGI powers.  As a Kunoichi, Aome is deadly.  Aome wins.  The End.
I'm in shock.  I expected some stuff from this movie.  I expected the low-budget.  I expected the silly.  I expected the disappointing 'Ninja action.'  I didn't, however, expect it to be a mix of a bad Ninja movie and softcore porn!  Would you?  Thank you again, Netflix, for re-titling movies like this in order for people like me to see them!  I'm glad that I pay you to lie to me!  Getting past that, how is the movie?  It's not good- that's for sure.  As a Ninja film, it features almost no action.  What action you get is brief, not that good and usually getting less time than the porn.  Speaking of the porn, it's mostly implied.  There is a bunch of nudity of the female variety, but nothing in regards to the other sex.  This is a place that films porn scenes like, for example, the ones in Entrails of a Virgin and then blurs them all out.  What's the point?  I keep mentioning this because I still don't know!  The bottom line: this is kind of a worst of both worlds film.  It doesn't have either aspect done remotely-well, so don't bother.  Sorry, golden balls...
Next up, a third Project Terrible film.  Which is worse: watching Dracula's Widow or realizing that it was already in my Queue?  Stay tuned...


  1. This movie looks awesome. Pinku Eiga with cheesy special effects? It may be a terrible movie but the screen shots made me laugh.

    Also, I've awarded you a blog award, go pick it up:

  2. Thanks for the award.

    The movie is...well, something. That's all I'm going to say.