Thursday, July 26, 2012

Adrian Paul Week: Eyeborgs

Are you paranoid if an army of robot cameras is out to get you.  Today's film is Eyeborgs, a Syfy Channel movie about a dark American future.  Well, it's a little dark, but it's mostly silly.  In this World, America is monitored by ODIN, a system that links all the Security/Traffic Cameras around into one system.  Yeah, that's plausible.  On top of that, the U.S. Government has dispatched a series of the titular Eyeborgs around, ranging from little Webcam-looking ones to big, Gorilla-looking ones.  I get the former, but what's up with the latter?  As a bonus, there are all sorts of silly rules in effect like a full ban on Smoking and Drinking.  Yeah, we tried that before...but it didn't work.  Adrian Paul is here as a Government Agent with a sad back-story who must unravel the mystery and try to save the day.  If you can get past the silly, this could be decent.  To find out, read on...
The film begins with this 'funny' intro.  It's just an exposition dump to tell you that cameras are all controlled by ODIN and that Eyeborgs exist.

Given that this isn't a 'Found Footage Movie' (Thank God!), this intro seems super-silly!
The Eyeborgs are usually these cute little robot things that film you and see where you are going.  Their job is to keep track of potential terrorists and stop their attacks.  Seems harmless enough to me...
 ...but these little Webcam-looking guys are armed with random weapons like tiny saws, tazers and torches & have an ulterior motive.  When this Dane Cook-looking guy asks too many questions, they set him up to die.
Adrian Paul and his constantly-bewildered face can't figure out what's going on, as the video footage sent by ODIN doesn't match what we- the audience- sees.  It's actually just awkward writing.
Holy crap- Machete!  Danny Trejo is here as 'G-Man,' a Guitar Repairman/Resistance Group Member.  He has two scenes and then gets killed, but makes sure to put a MacGuffin in a Guitar for later.  When the plot all comes together, this will make zero sense.
Can Paul get over his past issues and save the day?  Could this Editing be any less subtle?
The Eyeborgs begin to kill anyone off who can prove that they are up to no good.  In a silly Screenwriting cliche, they cover up their crimes in, well, silly ways.

Cutting a lady's wrist with a razor- believable.  A robot doing it- you'd be missing an arm.  Then there's the scene where the Eyeborgs apparently bought booze and stashed it in the News Van...
The Eyeborgs make their big strike when our heroes discover that the President is actually a Hologram.  I'd be pissed too if people found that out!
The Newscaster saves the day by suicide-bombing herself, leading to some blatant 9/11 imagery.  Thanks- that never gets old!

The conspiracy is still intact, but people are questioning things.  Sequel-bait- ha!  The End.
I always feel like robots are watching me & I can't get no privacy!  The plot of this movie is not terrible, but it does get silly.  Consider what it tells us.  Robots are put in charge of surveillance after Not 9/11 and grow autonomous.  To that end, they capture, scan and kill a Presidential candidate.  They proceed to rig the computerized-voting system (to which they aren't attached) to get 'him' elected President.  Years go by (the film takes place as he's running for re-election) & nobody figures this out because of the super-tight security separating 'him' for 'safety.'  Does that seem remotely-plausible to you?  Even considering sci-fi bullshit like 3-D Scanning used to seamlessly-insert people into video, this plot is full of holes.  The way that the Eyeborgs cover up their kills is silly too (as noted before).  The robots have random attachments to make this work, including straws, tazers and little buzzsaws.  I should also note that the robots are apparently running the factories that make, well, themselves and constantly invading countries to 'spread their kind' around.  Yeah, nothing about that is silly.  Here's one for you: they kill Danny Trejo with a giant drill through the forehead- how did they disguise that one?  If you can get past the super-silly moments, it's honestly not that bad.  Adrian Paul and his emoting almost makes it seem sincere, which is actually pretty impressive.  Not so impressive is this really-dated hairstyle that one of our leads has...
Next up, unravel the mystery of these puzzles.  Plus, why does Adrian Paul have frosted hair?  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, this movie is pretty ridiculous at times - but as far as SyFy originals go there are much worse.