Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Project Terrible 7: Bear (2010)

You really want to hurt me, don't you?  Today's film is Bear, my final Project Terrible film in this Round.  Now I watch a lot of stupid movies on this site- obviously.  There is one kind that really does nothing for me, no matter how many times I see it.  The film: the Trapped By a Monster/Situation, So Let's Bicker sub-genre.  I may be the only one to call it that, but you all know what I'm talking about.  Obviously, my hatred of this sub-genre really stems from Black Water and Open Water 2: Adrift.  For the record, I haven't seen Open Water, so I don't know whether I hate that one or not.  What's Bear about?  It's about people trapped in/around their van after a bear attack.  What do they do?  Bicker...constantly.  Joy.  Let's just get through this crap and move on with our lives, shall we?
The story involves our heroes going to their parents' 30th Wedding Anniversary Party.  The younger brother takes them on a shortcut, only for the tire to blow out.
Jackass brother shoots a baby bear that goes near them in the clearing.  When they hear another noise, our hapless heroes just kind of stand around until Papa Bear attacks.  Don't leave or anything!
They get stuck when their Van gets flipped over.  By the way, I'm no expert...but could a Bear really do that?  Would it even know to do that?

They don't flip over Garbage Cans- they tear them open.  Oh right- that would end the movie early.
Let's take a break from watching the idiots trapped in their Van and see them trapped in...a storm drain.  That's just perfect.
Here's where the film goes over the deep end.  The dickhead brother runs to the Steakhouse they were heading to before, but....
...he gets dragged back to the Van and let inside.  It's here that our hero 'figures out' what is going on.  I'm only using a bit of hyperbole here, so bear that in mind.
That's right- the bear is a magical spirit- while also a bear- and is punishing them for their personal sins.  This movie has done the impossible- it's jumped the bear!!!

The creature kills the two remaining men (having already killed the other girl long ago), but lets the main girlfriend go, since I guess she learned her lesson.  The End.
Screw you and the stupid bear you rode in on!  This movie starts out boring, gets annoying and manages to get really, really stupid.  I was ready to give up on this movie by the thirty minute mark and just say that nothing happens.  Thanks to some extra patience (it's gone now), I skipped ahead a bit and saw what happened next.  Could I have guessed that the bear was going to be revealed as Ghost Rider?  Hell no!  Did you know this, Thomas?  If so, you are an evil bastard!  The whole thing with the 'Bear of Judgement' thing is that it's incredibly-stupid!  The movie never does anything to confirm the statement, by the way, but it is apparently true.  It's kind of like the guy's crazy theory in X: The Unknown that is apparently true, since nobody rebuffs it.  The big problem here is that the characters are annoying and I want them to die.  This sucks all the emotional weight out of the film, making me really, really not care if they live or die.  Furthermore, it does nothing but remind me of other bad films I've seen, whether it's Black Water, Burning Bright or Orca, the film in which the Whale goes for revenge, uses glaciers as weapons and takes out the power plant in a coastal town.  I still hate that movie and you are *not* helping your film with this 'Bear is there to judge you' plot.  By the way, what was the point of the baby Bear being killed if the Bear had a plan of revenge BEFOREHAND?!?  On the plus side, re-reading my review of Orca makes me remember that I still hate it slightly-more.  You win this round, but lose Round 7 of Project Terrible.  Only one thing could possibly make me like this movie...
Next up, a trio of dark, depressing films about time-travel.  First up, the original wrist-slasher/vehicle for a That '70s Show star.  Stay tuned...


  1. Well, I love flicks like Black Water or Burning Bright, I thought both Open Water films were fairly good, and I even enjoyed Bear.
    And yes, I'm a fan of that specific subgenre :-)

  2. I haven't seen Open Water, but I wonder how you could make a full length movie out of a group of people trapped in a van or storm drain being menaced by a bear.

  3. This is what I don't get about 'Open Water 2' and 'Burning Bright' specifically- where's the drama? There's no shark menace in 'Water' and you know damn well that they won't have a mentally-challenged kid being eaten by a Tiger in 'Bright.' ZERO DRAMA.

    'Black Water,' for all my dislike, did have some drama. I just cared nothing about the characters, the pacing was bad and there was no good pay-off.

    This movie is that bad combination of dull, annoying and, thanks to the Third Act Twist, stupid as hell. It takes *skill* to do something that wrong!