Thursday, July 19, 2012

Terror Week: Terror in the Haunted House

Boo!  Today's film is Terror in the Haunted House.  Is it a misleading title?  Somewhat, actually.  The house isn't really haunted, which isn't a lame way of skipping right to the plot synopsis on my part.  The house is never *presented* as haunted.  Instead, it's a house that our heroine has seen in her dreams, or rather, her nightmares.  So why the lying?  I guess Terror in the House From That Lady's Dreams is just not that catchy.  On the plus, this film doesn't feature a miscast Bill Oberst Jr and/or is not Found Footage.  Two good points for this film over two of Gaming Creatively's previous Asylum Haunted House films (brought to you by Project Terrible).  The plot involves a woman being let out of a Psych Ward in Switzerland and moving in with her husband.  Unfortunately, the house he decides to rent is the same one from her nightmares!  What a horrible coincidence...or is it?  Actually, I'm still not 100% clear...and I actually watched the movie.  To find out the truth...ish, read on...
In Switzerland (which I doubt they ever set foot in), our heroine is getting treated for her nightmares.  There's a lovely Ballet School near by, but there is a slight Witch problem.
She returns home with her new husband, a man who kisses as awkwardly as Al Gore.  Yummy.
This guy's job is to stand around, stare at people and be creepy.  He even opens the door away from himself just to scare our heroine.  Nice.
What is going on in the talk between the husband and the creepy old man at the house?  He must be up to something, right?
So, basically, a bunch of scheming and accusations of scheming take place.  Our heroine doesn't trust her husband's motivations and this other guy says that he's up to something.  In summary: up to something.
Oh no, creepy guy died!  Whatever will we do?  Oh right- not care in the slightest.  Someone hide the body so that we can move on...
As it turns out, the husband might be up to something.  That something...
...trying to cure his wife from the blocked-out tragedy of her family's past.  What a dick!
The other guy, it turns out, is part of her family and is related to the history of abuse and general depravity.  By the way, if General Depravity is leading your Unit, just quit now!

Anyhow, they fight and the bad one dies.  The End.
You have a point, right?  This movie is built around the mystery of the house.  Well, there's not a lot of mystery.  The whole thing is just about whether her dreams/nightmare were based on anything.  There's not a lot of places to go from there, movie.  Way 1: she's imagining it and the whole thing is a waste of time.  Way 2: it's all related to some trauma that she tried to block out (the one they use).  Way 3: she's imagining it, but only because the events hadn't happened yet.  That ending would end up being used in Lucio Fulci's The Psychic, a film that I somehow skipped reviewing a couple of years back.  I should really got on that, huh?  My point?  This movie couldn't really do a whole lot, so they kind of had poor planning.  Aside from that, there are some minor scares- mostly involving an Albino dog- and vague tension.  There's no horror here.  The only terror involves this chick doing the '1950s movie yell' a few times.  This movie is pretty forgettable, no matter what made-up form of 'vision' it was 'shot' in...
Up next, a Chuck Norris film that nearly didn't get to do it.  When the cast includes Non from Superman II and Billy Drago, you'll be glad I did it.  Stay tuned...


  1. I am also glad it did not feature a miscast Bill Oberst Jr. One of those is quite enough for one lifetime :D I enjoy your blog! Bill

  2. I only made the joke because you did first. Glad to see that I didn't offend you.

    I hear that you're *perfectly-cast* in 'Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies.' I'm going to check that out, if for no other reason than to see you kill zombies with an axe.

    I did also like your Creepy, Rapist Priest too-

    Nice to hear from you, Bill!

  3. Tim, there ain't nothing more obnoxious than an actor who takes himself too seriously! I love to laugh, especially at myself. Besides, creepy rapist priests and undead-slaying Presidents are much more my cup of tea. Thanks for keeping the cinema of the bizarre in the spotlight for new generations. I'm a fan of this wonderful stuff, and of this very kickass blog.

  4. I appreciate the endorsement more than you could possibly imagine.

    As long as people keep making weird shit, you can be assured that I'll be watching it.