Saturday, July 23, 2011

Mummies Alive Week: The Mummy Theme Park

Yes, this is real!  I found this movie and thought it was something other than what it was.  After all, there is a Mummy attraction at one of the major theme parks in Florida and I thought it was about that or something.  Nope.  This is another 'looks like it was made in the '80s' horror movie by Massimilano Cerchi.  Yes, the Director of Plankton has struck again and I've come across another one of his movies (of which there are only about seven).  Just my luck!  The plot of this film involves a rich Sheik (redundant, I guess), a Mummy theme park being built and a dumb blond who likes fashion montages.  While I would normally do a straight review here, there are just so many stupid things here to show you that I have to do it Review in Pictures-style.  If you haven't seen this film (hello, 98% of you, I guessing), you'll be how dumb it is.  Let's get ourselves some E Tickets for our trip to...
* In a confusing opening, some men in old-looking clothes open a tomb after a model (get used to that) earthquake occurs.  However, we see via title card that only a week goes by...before they've built the Park.
* Another thing to get used to is some of the worst blue screen effects ever.  The film's release year- 2000!
* The ridiculous plot involves the Sheik building mechanical Mummies a la The Hall of Presidents around the real Mummies found in the ruins.  No, really.
* The death of many a lackey occurs here.  Nobody seems to really notice for a while though.  They're too busy trying to not stop on the models, I guess.
* Speaking of models, our lead heroine is one.  She wastes about four minutes of screen time posing in different outfits.  Throw in the model footage (not of her) in the beginning and you have a good 7-10 minutes!
* Our heroes go on a tour of the site and see the blue screens...I mean, place.  The Mummies come after them when exposed to flashing light.  What are they, the creatures from Howling 3?
* The scene of them being chased by the Mummy goes on forever.  They burn him and he chases them as a charred mummy.  The burn him more and he chases them as a skeleton.  Forbidden Zone was less silly than this scene!
* The other Mummies decide to start killing the Sheik and his men.  Cue ridiculous death effects!
* In The End, our heroes escape the Theme Park as the evil Sorceress (oops, I forgot about her) re-seals it.  She also manages to get on the model- I mean, real- train with them to escape.  Do all Mummies escape in these films?  The End.
Holy crap, this is dumb!  The plot of this movie is just silly as all hell.  Let me just summarize it quickly, since it makes its own jokes for me.  A sorceress opens up a crack in the ground, revealing a tomb and a bunch of mummies.  A Sheik sees this and spends $250 million on building a Theme Park there, complete with a concession area and Gift Shop.  He invites a photographer to take some publicity stills in order to drum up interest.  However, his half-animatronic/half-real Mummies come to life and start killing people.  That sad part is this- there is so much more crap in this movie that I haven't even covered.  This long, tedious sub-plot involving the Sheik's women fighting for his attention.  At one point, they even get miffed by a holographic Harem Girl made by a scientist!  What does this add?  Absolutely nothing, save for a longer run-time.  I read about four pages of user reviews for this film on Netflix and nearly every one of them said that they stopped after 15 minutes.  You fools- you missed all of the glorious crap!  I heartily recommend this film to anyone who loves to laugh at terrible movies.  It's a bit slow at times, but it is just ripe with material.  I'm just a little sad that it took me so long to find it.  Take us away, sacrilege...
Next up, Project Terrible returns with a tale of skeletons that kill.  You'd better give that skeleton a shotgun like you promised!  Stay tuned...

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