This movie will seem familiar soon enough. I doubt many of you took the time to watch this movie, so I'll give you a brief summary. Criminals look for gold. A town has the gold. Danny Trejo is an Indian. These are all things that happen. What does this have to do with Mummies? You'll see. In the meantime, enjoy me attempting to make sense of this movie. Just remember- it's safer than Nazi gold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...
In an opening flashback, some people search for gold. They get attacked by something that the movie doesn't show and they die. In a true show of just how low-budget this movie is, we cut to a Prison Transport Bus having already crashed. You can't afford on-screen crashing?!? What are you- Werewolf? The male guard is killed, but the female one is left alive. It's important to bring her along, since you're just going to wonder about the desert for a bit. As a side-note, Sexism finally pays off. You're welcome, ladies! They run across a man named Apache- no, really- and he's played by Danny Trejo. Okay, I haven't seen Indians this fake since Cannibal: The Musical...and that was a joke. He gives them some water- after they pay him for it- and he tells that about some gold out in the Desert. That makes perfect sense, especially since they're all still wearing their Prison garb and have a hostage. This leads to them wandering around the Desert some more and pretending to be the Jews. How often can I reference Werewolf, a Trey Parker film and the Bible in one paragraph?!?
After more padding, the group end up in an Old West town. Gee, this isn't suspicious at all! The group take it all in stride, especially since there is a woman with big tits there. This is starting to feel familiar. The town's leader shows up and he's played by Billy Drago. Look out, Brisco County Sr! Raise you hand if you got that joke, audience! The whole thing goes really well, leading to the black guy of the group getting a night with a prostitute. That night, the townsfolk turn into...vampire mummies, I guess. Wait- this is a freaking From Dusk 'Til Dawn! God dammit! I'm done here!
Are you kidding me? The plot of this movie is just ridiculous. The movie sets up a lazy premise, has the characters wander around for a bit until they find a plot...and when they do, it's of a movie made nearly ten years earlier! That's so freaking dumb! I mean, you can rip-off of a movie and be good...I guess, but this isn't. They go so far to rip-off that movie that they forget what their title is. Why is this called 7 Mummies? There are no Mummies, there are vampires and there are far more than 7 of them! The whole thing is just a big joke that doesn't really have a purpose. Maybe the film gets better in the Third Act, but that's like saying that you should walk over broken glass to get a $1 bill.
Next up, I cover the 1967 adaptation of the same tale that gave us Bram Stoker's The Mummy. Save me from a repeat of crap, Hammer! Stay tuned...
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