Friday, March 4, 2011

Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Worst Films of *MY* Year

This one's been a bit delayed, but it's finally here!

I watch a lot of bad movies at this site, so this one was really hard to compile.  In addition, it forced me to relive the rage that the movies inspired in me.  It's important for you all to know though, so it's a sacrifice.  On the plus side, this year's list doesn't include Hobgoblins 2!  Mind you, seven sequels do end up on here, so take that for what you will.  Let the crap countdown begin...

10. Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Ator IV aka Troll 3: Even by Ator standards, this one hurts!  This film is basically a remake of the original Ator, despite being the fourth film in the series and the third by Joe D'Amato.  The plot is a mess, however, as it involves a new actor as Prince Ator...only to have him die and have the story focus on...Prince Ator.  Throw in a convoluted series of events, the re-used Troll 2 costumes (hence the alternate title) and stock footage out the ass & you have a shitty movie.  When you think about a film where Ator fights a two-headed robot and mini-Godzilla, remember how much it sucks!

9. Pirates II- Stagnetti's Revenge: R-Rated porn on Netflix?!?  This film is the sequel to Pirates, a 2005 porn film shot near my hometown.  Yeah, we were a bit upset to learn that the pirate movie they were making had people screwing the gang-plank, as opposed to walking it!  This film has an Unrated (read: porn) Cut and an R-Rate Cut, which I rented.  The film is a really bad mix of comedy and action, complete with sometimes-alright Special Effects.  This is the big thing: the movie just cuts all the sex scenes as they begin...except for two.  The first one is intact, but the next four or five are cut out.  All of a sudden, the seventh one is also intact, which caught me a bit off-guard.  The bottom line: it's not funny, exciting or scintillating.  If you like pieces of a porn movie plot and PS2 graphics, you may feel differently though.

8. Rasen: This is the film that Japan wants to ignore!  I mentioned this before in my other Top 10 List, so I'll make the summary brief.  This film follows Ringu exactly...except that it either gets everything wrong or changes a lot.  Literally the first scene tells you what to expect as the Police find the boyfriend's dead body and he doesn't have the trademark 'mouth agape' death face.  You filmed these in conjunction- how did you mess that up?  On top of that, the reporter and kid die off-camera & the plot involves a possessed journal and human cloning.  The film ends on a sour, but also happy note in a cliffhanger ignored by Ringu 2, The Ring Virus (The Korean version) and both American films.  Ouch.

7. The Return of the King (Animated): There are worse things than the Rankin-Bass Lord of the Rings film!  In this sequel, we get a wrap-around tale showing the surviving heroes- minus Gimli and Legolas- sitting around the table and celebrating.  Old Bilbo has forgotten the events of the past, so they hire a minstrel to sing him the tale.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the plot meanders a lot, making you question how good this minstrel is!  The film is infamous for its song by the Orcs, but there are so many others to be mad at.  The film makes you yearn for a Fifth-Grade class' production of the tale!

6. Class of Nuke 'Em High 1-3: They all suck, so I can't pick just one.  This is one of the few Troma series out there and made during it's late-80s/early '90s heyday.  Basically, a High School is built across the street from the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant.  Weird plots arise- including the tale of a group of drug dealing bullies, a man finding love with a clone and facing off with his evil, twin brother.  If you like forced humor, sight gags and the most over-the-top acting, this is Heaven.  For anyone with a brain, this whole series hurts!

5. Death Racers: The Asylum meets the Insane Clown Posse- ouch.  This rip-off of Death Race is about as loosely-adapted as you could get.  There's a Race, but also a plot involving a terrorist (former WCW/ECW/WWF wrestler Raven) and some network coverage- a plot element left out of the Race.  More importantly, most of the action takes place on foot & there's very little vehicular action.  Yeah, there aren't many car-kills in a Death Race movie!  Here's the kicker: the whole soundtrack- all four songs- is done by the Insane Clown Posse.  I have to watch them act AND I have to listen to them.  Pass!

4. The 9/11 Commission Report: Do I even need to explain this?  The Asylum made a film to coincide with the release of World Trade Center.  Is nothing sacred with you people?  The film is also boring as hell, depriving us of at least a dark bit of humor.  It's just awful.  Moving on...

3. Open Water 2- Adrift: You can just keep floating, I guess.  This film- Adrift- was turned into a sequel to Open Water by the studio that released it.  However, the connection is simply not there.  The plot of this movie involves a group of people floating in the water...but it's next to their yacht.  They just can't quite reach the ladder!  You want to watch an hour of this crap?  If so, good for you.  I'll watch paint dry instead!

2. Jaws in Japan: I hate what this movie did to me!  I'll say my peace about this movie one more time and then move on with my life.  Despite all of the silly posters and promotion, this movie is dull as dirt.  The film is 65 minutes, 60 of which are relegated to watching Japanese girls meander about and film each other.  You made busty, Japanese women in bikinis boring!  Right at the hour mark, a terrible-looking CG shark attacks the group in a silly manner...and the film ends.  Why?  Why?  Why?!??!?

1. The Skeleton Key 2: 667- Neighbor of the Beast: I made it fifteen minutes before I had to stop, lest I get a brain aneurysm.  This film is apparently the sequel to a film called The Skeleton Key, although Netflix mislabels it as a sequel to the Kate Hudson film Skeleton Key instead!  In those 15 minutes, the lead character talks to the audience directly, but fails to explain anything about what's going on.  It's just a series of random, annoying events with no explanation.  I dare you to watch it.  See if you can outlast me...but do it at your own risk.

Will I find 10 films that top these next year?  Lord- I hope not...but probably 'yes.'


  1. I loved both of "The Skeleton Key" movies, mostly because they so effectively skewer the dozens upon dozens of crappy low-budget direct-to-DVD films that fill the Pendulum Pictures 50 movie collections and make up a huge portion of Maxim Media's catalog.

    Apparently, John Johnson and Crew made a third, but I haven't seen that one yet.

  2. That's supposed to be a parody?!? That's news to me!

    Seriously, if that movie was trying to be clever and humorous, it was completely lost on me. I still think that it sucks until I see enough evidence to prove me wrong.

  3. I proudly own Class of Nuke em High on blu-ray. If they release pt II on blu, I'll be all over it like a broke junkie on cough syrup. Pt. 3 is not as good, but I still kinda like it.