Thursday, March 10, 2011

Half-Nelson Cinema: Albino Farm

If you love generic, 'hillbilly attack' films, one of them.  Seriously, this is not much of a film 'event' or anything.  'Teens' go out into the woods and get attacked by monstrous people- that's it.  I suppose that I should explain why I rented this then.  One word: Jericho.  I love Chris Jericho as a performer, whether he's body-slamming people or insulting them.  This is the guy who found time to retort a fan's comment to him during a match!  He's just awesome.  Unfortunately, his IMDB page is not.  For all you non-wrestling fans, here's what happened.  Come mid-2005, Jericho was burned out on the sport & left to do other activities.  The films he did include this film and Android Apocalypse, as well guest-spots on two TV shows & a cameo in MacGruber.  It's pretty clear why he returned to wrestling in late-2007, huh?  This film exists and happens to feature Chris, so here is is.  Don't bother packing your sunscreen because we'll be staying inside at the...
In a sepia-toned flashback, two kids ride up to a locked gate.  One of them goes past the gate, but gets grabbed...leading to the opening credits.  Hello, context.  The film proper begins with a group of students in a car- how original.  The group is driving through the South as part of a project studying other cultures.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that your teacher didn't mean 'hicks' when she assigned it!  They talk for a bit before swerving to avoid hitting a child that's standing in the road.  They stop to see if he's okay, only to learn that he's...a midget.  Oh, the terror!  The guy runs off with his hard-earned roadkill, but the car was apparently messed up, the stopping.  This is important because it requires them to stop and meet a blind man at a gas station so that they can get another tire.  He tells them that there's a legend of an Albino Farm, but tells them that he won't say any more.  By the way, I now about a secret gold stash behind the house of every single person who reads this.  You may have to dig up your yards to get it, but I won't say any more.  They stop at a Tent Revival, but leave quickly.  The point of this: just to show that it exists for the finale.  They go into town, where I'm sure that Jericho will show up.
In a Diner, the guys oggle their waitress until they see that she has a Penguin-style hand.  A car drives around, stalking them.  The group split up, the annoying couple going in one direction and the real stars going to a Church.  The former spot a dumb kid and go to see the car.  The other pair go to a Church and meet a nice, old lady.  Well, she's nice until they mention the words 'Albino Farm.'  She gets upset and just goes behind a door.  The other pair, meanwhile, meet the people in the car.  They are Chris a red-haired wig and his twin sons that look eerily like Randy Orton circa 2004.  That's a weird coincidence, right?  The guy agrees to show them the titular place in exchange for the woman getting groped by his sons.  They settle for her just flashing them, leading to her body double getting a bit of work.  They get dropped off at the gate with some flashlights and Jericho leaves.  No, come back!!!!  Back in town, the pair go to talk to the old lady some more (why?) and discover her breast-feeding an inbred mutant.  I'm not sure which part is supposed to be more gross!  They leave and eventually end up at the farm too.
Gee, you'll never guess what happens at the farm.  'Do mutants attack them one-by-one?  Do they subsequently kill off the lesser characters and, for no good reason, keep the main ones alive?'  Well, yes.  The jerk couple are killed off, but not before the guy gets molested by a mutant.  I didn't get enough of that in Hillside Cannibals- thanks!  The two lead characters are knocked out and have their right arms sewed together...for some reason that I can't figure out.  Oh right- it allows you to have a gory shot of them pulling them apart.  The guy- whose Indian heritage is never really a plot point in any way- gets wounded in a fall and sacrifices himself to blow up the cave.  Of course, his plan nearly gets the girl killed too.  She hobbles out of the area and wanders over to the Tent Revival.  It's here that she runs across the only Albino in the film- the Pastor at the event.  He gives a speech about God or something, which apparently pleases our shocked heroine.  Hey look- Jericho is back for one more scene...of him just sitting there.  I'm a bit confused as to what the point of this whole ending is, so I can't exactly SPOIL it properly.  The End.
How generic can you get?!?  The plot of this movie is, as I said, is very generic and uninspired.  It has all of the cliche aspects that this genre is known for.  Hell, all  that it's missing is a guy in a wheelchair and a crazy hitchhiker!  The only reason I even bothered with this film was Jericho's being in it.  Thanks, Jericho- you did this to me!  At least you made money off of being in the movie.  What was the appeal exactly?  Were you hurt because Android Apocalypse (future review- no doubt!) didn't get released in Theaters and that you were booted off of Celebrity Duets in the first episode?  Here's a thought: take up a better way of coping.  Have you tried drinking or hard drugs?  There's not much appeal to this movie.  Even the gore- the biggest selling point in most of these- shows up pretty late.  The characters aren't notable, the pacing is a bit off and the whole thing just feels pointless.  How do you feel about that, Jericho?
Next up, we take a complete 180 turn and cover a film Written and Directed by William Peter Blatty.  With a resume of only two films, will he get the job done here?  Stay tuned...

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