As March signals the end of my anniversary month, I figured that it would be fitting to do the final Top 10 List here. In one year's time, I have reviewed many films- good and bad. To be honest, most of them are bad in some way or another. Even films I like have something wrong with them. Well, except for Tokyo Gore Police- that's just immaculate. As such, I want to highlight the films that stand out as being the worst of the worst. Check out this shit...
10. One Million AC/DC: This is one of the last semi-mainstream films to have Ed Wood's name attached to it & even that is only as a screenwriter. This film is about a group of cavemen who are more interested in dry humping their emaciated women than anything else. Unfortunately, a stupid-looking dinosaur (toy) is loose, as is a horny ape. This movie is hideous. It tries to be a sex comedy, but has no good jokes and ugly women. Why would anyone want to see this movie? I can't think of a good reason. Don't let my sacrifice be in vain.
9. Star Wreck: The odds of anyone else seeing this movie besides me is probably pretty low, but I will warn you all the same. This is actually part of a series of low-budget sci-fi parodies from Finland, but only this one has a DVD release here. The story is confusing because of this, but still dumb on its own merits. Basically, a small group of space explorers are stuck on modern day Earth & want to get back. To do so, they screw the time-space continuum by taking over the world with their advanced technology. Bad green screen effects, bad acting and comedy based solely around puns (i.e. maggot hole instead of worm hole) kill this movie. Stay in Finland and stop polluting!
8. Pocahauntus: If you survived my review of this film on Thanksgiving Day, then you are a brave man/woman! This low-budget horror-comedy is about a group of horrible people who are invited to a mysterious retreat. Evidently, their ancestors all did something to offend the ghost of the Indian princess back in the day & she wants revenge. The whole idea that this movie is a rip-off of the famous Ten Little Indians story is better irony than this movie can muster. It's long, painful and unfunny.
7. Day of the Dead 2- Contagium/Creepshow 3: This movie is just a big, giant mess. Even just looking at the thing conceptually, it's awful. It's billed as a combination of both a prequel (it's epilogue is set in 1968- ha ha) and a sequel (the main plot is set in 2005). That makes no sense!!! The actual plot is awful, involving a group of patients and doctors at a mental institution uncovering a mysterious toxin that turns people into zombies. By the way, they explain the zombie outbreak that is never explained in the Romero films. This is by the people that made Creepshow 3, which also sucks hard. Let's just lump this crap in together. They are both hideous.
6. Welcome to the Jungle: For all you cult horror fans, you should know that this movie is a blatant, direct-to-video rip-off of Cannibal Holocaust. Everything about this is just utterly generic and bad. The different is that we get a pair of couples going out to find a long-lost Vanderbilt heir in the jungle. The narrative splits to show one couple run off with the camera & provoke some natives until they get killed. We are awkwardly pulled back to the other couple, who were apparently carrying a spare camera in their gear the whole time. They find their dead friends about an hour in- giving us the movie's only gore shots- and get killed. It's like Cloverfield, but with no monster and lots of leaves. Argh!
5. Bryan Loves You: I tried to not have Blockbuster Trash take over this list, but I can't help but mention this crap. This movie is by Seth Landau- a distant relative of the famous Martin- and designed to be his big breakout. Considering how obscure this is, clearly this did not work! The movie is shot on handy-cam & tells the tale of a couple trying to uncover a weird cult that worships a man named Bryan. It's a crappy movie that can't even keep to its own gimmick, having one scene in a room with three different camera angles. It also has a cameo by George Wendt, Lloyd Kaufman as a mental patient and tries to establish it's realistic credentials with an intro by Tony Todd...playing an FBI agent. Wow, I immediately know how much crap you are going to put out- thanks.
4. Cthulu (2007): This little indy gem got crapped out last year, despite having a credited year of 2007. In a nutshell, you get a bad rip-off of The Wicker Man. To make things worse, 90% of the movie is designated to discussing our lead character's problems with not being accepted due to him being gay. Where are the Elder Gods exactly? The titular character never shows up, is never mentioned and has nothing to do with the plot. What we do get, however, is a scene where Tori Spelling rapes our gay hero while her paralyzed husband is in the other room. This film is a giant lie and should be ignored like it was for the two years it went unreleased. Moving on...
3. Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders: This actually makes the original film look smart. In defense of that movie, it was silly and funny. This movie is horribly-stupid and actually lowers your intelligence. The high point: cosmic cheerleaders in tiny skirts. Everything else- including King Kong pissing on a crowd and a galaxy of farting- is hideous. Trust me- this sucks.
2. Hobgoblins 2: Seriously, why was this movie ever made? The man behind the '80s anti-classic explains in a DVD interview that he wanted to make a sequel, but got distracted making the Vice Academy series. Nearly 20 years later, he turned his sequel script into what seems to be a remake. They have new actors playing the same parts, but the original events are not even mentioned. Why was this movie made? Why did I watch it? Oh right, I'm a sadist. That explains most of these movies, actually.
1. Good-Bye Uncle Tom: A fake documentary that tries to explain why white people kept slaves. To make matters worse, it is one of the most racist films ever made & recreates the Antebellum South in Brazil- no lie! To top it all off, the movie is over two hours long and features lots of horrible, horrible imagery. It's so bad that I had to use the word 'horrible' twice. This movie is an endurance test that few people can endure. Anyone that does manage to survive it will never be the same. It's...something that defies all logic and explanation.
So that's a year in review. I've done so much, yet made so little. How about you guys help me out there? *wink wink* No, I'm only kidding...mostly.
More Year In Review to come...next year. Please don't hold your breath that long. Stay tuned...