Mama's Dei: Baby Blood

Another holiday comes our way and I have to pay it the proper amount of attention.  As such, I bring you a French film that re-defines the idea of motherhood in a way that nobody ever before considered.  Is it loving your children?  Is it doing what's best for your brood?  Is it the selfless-sacrifice of your body and soul for the ones you love?  Nah.  It's how much you can please an alien parasite that has wandered into your uterus and settled in.  Curious now?  Good.  This is...

Before the actual story begins, we are treated to a bit of pretentious narration from an unseen creature.  Apparently, the thing has lived for a millennium, but has never been born.  Please, don't ask me to explain that.  We get some shots of volcanoes and other Ator stock footage before following our creature to Africa.  Through more P.O.V. footage- including a bit where they had to stick a cameraman in a cage- we learn that the creature is in a French zoo via a leopard's body.  Rather than focusing on that, let's focus on this busty woman's chest.  You see, the delivery guy for the animal eyeballs her through a window before her cruel husband shows up.  He makes her do a stunt with some lions, but that ends badly.  Desperate and horny, she runs across the peeping tom and makes out with him...but the mood is killed by the husband coming around.  Wow, that character came and went for no reason- thanks.  Incidentally, I have to take a moment to talk about our leading lady.  She's really hot...until she opens her mouth.  She has a dental gap that makes David Letterman's look miniscule by comparison.  Oh yeah, the alien parasite escapes the leopard's body by exploding it (off-camera, sadly), crawling around and entering the woman's lady smith black mambazo.

Our heroine takes all this in stride and tries to live with this new change.  Nah, I'm just kidding.  She leaves the circus, but is followed by her man.  The parasite in her belly can talk to her and forces her to kill the man and drink his blood.  The creature controls her by causing vague physical pain to her from inside her body.  We cut to two months later and find our heroine working in a diner.  A perverted-looking guy- who bears a striking resemblance to Heath Ledger- gets eyes for her, all the while stringing along a woman who works there.  Eventually, she goes to dinner with him and has sex with him.  Ew.  The woman goes to track him down at his apartment, while the parasite berates our heroine for smoking and drinking.  The man shows up and talks about future plans with the woman, including having children.  Naturally, she freaks out and stabs him to death.  When the woman shows up, our heroine breaks the light, locks her in the room with the corpse and books it out of there.  That night, she seems to give birth at a train yard, but the creature seems to be fully-formed and its arms pop out of her chest.  Oh wait- that was just a dream.  Thanks for the f/x shot though, movie.

Cutting to the woman at six months pregnant...of sorts with the thing.  She has become a cab driver...somehow.  I'm sure someone in her physical and metal state is highly-reliable.  This is all just a set-up to her picking up one guy, running down another and killing him.  That guy tries to run, but gets hit by a bus...after standing there and yelling for thirty seconds- douche.  Another time jump takes us forward another two months and finds her in pretty dire straits.  She really, really wants the baby out, but is not having much luck.  She ends up being picked up by a truck driver and ends up at a diner.  She gives birth to the thing in the back of a car and it's...a normal-looking kid.  You all as disappointed as I am?  She goes inside for a bit, since her matronly instinct is very fleeting.  Never mind that giving birth to the thing killed you and the creature actually restarted your heart for you!  While there, the creature escapes from it's human skin layer and gets on a bus full of soccer players.  Following the slime trail, she gets on there as well and searches for the creature.  The men wake up and try to have sex with her, which the driver has no problems with.  His deviance is thrown off by the parasite latching onto his face and...doing something.  She tries to stop it, but the bus ends up crashing & exploding.  One P.O.V. shot of the monster crawling towards the beach later and the film ends.

This movie is really not good, but what should you expect?  It's a low-budget, French horror film about a parasite living in a woman's womb.  Did you think that it would be?  The movie is just plain odd, featuring some random, bloody murder for no good reason.  The acting is...well, bad.  The story is just ridiculous and figures that it can substitute time jumps for story development.  Is it a lazy way to just get to the stuff they want?  Yes.  One is feasible, but three?!?  The whole thing is a build-up to the arrival of the alien monster in our world.  What do we get?  It comes out as a normal baby, but later turns into one of those face-hugger things from Aliens.  When you're dealing with a story like this, let's be honest: nothing they could show you would live up to what you thought would come out of it.  Hell, the reveal almost never works in good films!  This film would have been smarter to just end with the thing coming out and the film not showing us.  Instead, it just sort of meanders to an awkward finish to an already awkward film.  Unless you're very weird (guilty), you can skip this one safely.

Up next, I celebrate 700 posts with an Asylum knock-off of a shit movie to begin with.  What have I done to deserve this?!?  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Mutant X

* In the pilot episode/movie, the evil Warhol villain kills the genetics company owner because the man was about to reveal the secret of their work to the world.  The actor playing that part was Cedric Smith, a character actor most notable for doing the voice of Professor Xavier on X-Men: The Animated Series!

Was that planned?  Was it happenstance?  I want to know!

Blockbuster Trash: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

Hey kids, have you ever wanted to resurrect a dead franchise for fun and profit?  You have?  Well, if you were a small-time producers of Direct-to-DVD films in the last five years, you've been living the dream.  Everything from The Cell (see next week's entry) to Road House to Bachelor Party has been getting the sequel treatment.  These films have pretty much nothing to do with their predecessors and usually get about as much attention as you would expect.  This market has been so rich that even films like White Noise and Glass House have gotten sequels!  All of that is a set-up for today's movie, the film that's technically the third film in the series.  The reason for this film being able to exist is due a technicality in the licensing rights.  You see, I Know What You Did Last Summer is actually based on a book by the same name that was written in 1973.  They licensed that and made this ridiculous movie.  What's changed?  Besides the location, logic behind everything and the cast?  Not much.  Teenagers are still dumb and blood still flows.  This is...

The film begins by setting up its deal and bleak location.  Basically, it's set in a ski resort town that is trying to rough its way through the summer drought.  Our heroes are a bunch of 'teenagers' that are striving to get free from this place and get a life.  At the July 4th carnival, they tell the tale of The Fisherman, a killer who shows up every Fourth of July and commits rampant murder.  Hey, remember that whole 'revenge' idea from the first two films?  Well, screw that shit!  While they're walking around, The Fisherman shows up!  He chases people around, leading up to one of their friends climbing to the top of a building and leaping off.  Out in the Parking Lot, our heroes are cornered and learn...that the 'killer' was actually their friend.  That's right- this was all a prank.  Hey, go back and tell your buddy about that.  Oh wait, he's got a pipe through his chest, so he's not partying anymore.  Out in the woods, our heroes vow to keep the secret safe, since their dead friend was the Sheriff's son and 'he'd make life hell for them.'  Yeah, how dare he punish you for committing Criminally Negligent Manslaughter.  With that, the movie jumps ahead a year.  Where will our lovely heroes be then?

As it turns out, life has been a mixed-bag for our protagonists.  The blond jerk lost his internship and is a Lifeguard (not the omni-powerful X-Men character), while the rest are still in town.  Shockingly, the moody brunette is in a rock band!  The guy who dressed as The Fisherman has a job fixing up old ski lifts, which I'm sure is very fulfilling.  The major thing is that our heroine/final girl comes back to town and learns about her blond boyfriend's misfortunes...at a party.  He couldn't call or anything, apparently!  That night, our heroine is left alone in her parent's house, an incident that is apparently quite rampant in this town.  The only 'adults' we see are law enforcement, making me wonder if this isn't the town from Who Can Kill A Child?!?  While stuck in the house alone, she gets a text message...or fifty.  What do they all say?  "I know what you did last summer," of course!  She freaks and goes to see her brunette rocker friend, who goes all emo and complains about her not coming to any of her rock shows.  Three seconds later, all is forgiven.  The film sets up their lift-repairing friend as a Red Herring early on, having him act generally creepy and weird.  The blond ex-boyfriend believes none of this until he gets an 'I Know What You Did' marked in water poolside.  How did The Fisherman (if it's him) sneak up there and away without drawing any attention?

Just because this movie is dumb, they kill all the Red Herring business by making the suspect become the first victim.  Wow- just wow.  We get a lot of jump scares, random attacks and non-sensical bullshit.  For example, The Fisherman attacks blond ex-boyfriend, stabs him in the foot and leaves.  Huh?  More filler comes in the form of a teased relationship between our heroine and the deputy.  He starts acting suspicious and vague, so maybe he's the killer.  Facing down potential death, our remaining heroes group up with one of their buddies from earlier and let him on in everything.  They come up with a simple solution: don't be in town on July 4th and they'll live.  Of course, a few scenes later, they punch a giant hole in that plan.  You see, our heroine sits down the new guy and explains to him the legend of The Fisherman.  She addresses the previous two films' events as real.  For those not in the know, the second film involves our heroes getting chased to The Bahamas by The Fisherman.  Think, movie- think!  Brunette rock girl ruins this plan by saying that she has to do a show that night to get discovered by an agent.  At the show, our heroes are stalked by The Fisherman, which leads to the death of brunette rock girl, blond ex-boyfriend and the Sheriff.  All of this leads up to the biggest and dumbest reveal of all time...

*

The Fisherman is a zombie!  That's right- a zombie.  Not only that, but he is a super-strong zombie.  This *thing* shakes off two shotgun blasts to the chest, impales a sheriff on a forklift edge and rips the door off a piece of construction equipment.  Valiantly, our heroes turn on a thresher (just keeping those around, huh?), stab him through the brain with his hook and knock him into it.  Cut to another year later and our heroine/final girl driving back to town.  She gets a flat and is killed by The Fisherman as the credits roll.  Um, how did he get into the desert and sneak up on anybody?!?  Aargh!

Dear God, this is a dumb movie!  It takes the stupid and flimsy pretense of the first two films and makes them look like Hamlet by comparison.  What motivates the killer here?  He's mad at them for impersonating him, I guess, but they also make his legend grow.  Why kill them exactly?  The dumbest part is that the movie sets up the revenge angle with the Sheriff, but completely drops it by the beginning of the third act.  Why pretend to be a mystery film at all?  The blood and gore is actually pretty minimal here and the pacing makes that feel even worse.  Want 90% of the action/gore in the last fifteen minutes?  If so, I have a movie for you.  It's hard to write this with a straight face, but I'll say this: this movie makes the '90s slasher return look damn brilliant!  Those movies got repetitive- seriously, watch Valentine and try to correct me- but they did the job.  This bullshit is...well, I don't know what it is.  Oh wait, I know- it's a giant lie!  You can't rip-off a movie, but make it okay by referencing it as being real!  Here's a better screenwriting idea off the top of my head: have the older survivors taunted by a mysterious man who may or may not be The Fisherman.  At the time this movie was made (2006), they could have gotten Jennifer Love Hewitt for a cameo role at least!  You want a good reason for revenge?  Watch this movie and then look up the people behind it!

Next up, I celebrate Mother's Day the only way I know how: with a French film about an alien parasite.  I need psychological help, don't I?  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Mutant X

After the success of Blade and X-Men, Marvel had some money to toss around.  To that end, Avi Arad (their go-to guy for live-action Marvel goodness) produced this show...

It's basically X-Men, but filmed in Canada and made on a tv budget.  A key difference is that mutants are apparently the subject of genetic experimentation and not some 'X-Gene.'  An evil guy who looks like Andy Warhol (seriously- that's your villain?!?) wants to track all of the escaped subjects down to create a super-human army.  Standing in his way is 'That British Actor You Know, But Can't Recall Anything He's Actually Been In.'  You know the guy.  He has a crack team of people to fight back against the man and his agents.  They have such powers as...
* The ability to turn intangible or turn super-hard.        
* The ability to shoot lightning...once an hour.  Really.
* A woman who can move small objects with her mind.  
* A woman with the power to 'influence emotions'

There is one important thing to know about what dates the show: The Matrix.  This show was made in 2001 and attempts to copy the 'wire-fu' that helped make the film a hit.  It's really freaking blatant!  Case in point: one of the mutants has 'tiger powers.'  What does that mean?  It means that she can flip around, do kung-fu and act like Neo.  Oh and her eyes sometimes look like that of a tiger.  In the two-part pilot/movie, the majority of the action involves fist fighting and kicking, as opposed to powers.  Especially when it comes to the 'tiger' woman, whose sole powers involve being able to be all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

*

There's really not much more to say.  It's a fairly stock action show from late '90s/early '00s.  It's like any other show of its type- i.e. Renegade, Highlander- just with some low-fi effects shots and wire-fu.  Does it match up to the X-Men name?  Not even close.  With that said, you can do worse for brain-free entertainment though.  It's pretty much all fluff and no substance.  Zap me away, Lightning Dude!

Up next, thanks to the benefits of YouTube, I can bring you a lost tv movie/backdoor pilot.  It takes place in the future time of...2010.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Crypt of the Living Dead

I'll admit that I've never heard of this movie before, but can't help but want to see it after seeing this poster for it...

How are they going to explain any of this?  Is that a lady werewolf?  Is that a dead leady wearing a wolf's head?  How do you die again...and again...and again...and again...and again?  I want to know!  Send me a copy of this movie!!!

Seriously though, this has to be a giant set-up to disappointment, doesn't it?  If you've actually seen it, let me know.

Up next, the producers of a film show their monsters on the poster.  Is there still a point in me seeing this?  Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Raped By An Angel 2- The Uniform Fan

After the turmoil of trying to get my reviews out at the end of last month, I wasn't sure how long I would have to wait to be able to review this.  As it turns out, not long.  What's to say about the second film that hasn't been said about the first?  Well, for starters, the movie is not really a sequel.  None of the characters are carried over from the first film.  In defense of the film, it does take a lot of the same ideas- a rapist man in power, a strong woman- and play with them a bit.  Wow, when you talk about films like this, the term 'plays with them' takes on a new meaning, doesn't it?  Before you get all icky, let's just get to the movie...where you will feel even worse.  This is...

The film begins by introducing us to our villain, a man who really likes people in uniform.  More specifically, he likes to rape women in uniforms.  There's 'liking' and then there's 'liking!'  After getting a striptease from, screwing and then leaving his Dental Assistant girlfriend (using the word loosely), he goes out for a walk.  He stumbles across a lady Meter Maid and goes after her.  After knocking her out by lightly tapping her head against a handrail, he rapes her and then kills her.  Incidentally, the shitty subtitle work from Part 1 is back, making this 'the killer explains his motivations' scene even more awkward!  The next day, a crime boss is released from prison and meets up with his lackey.  When they go to his car, they discover the body of the woman from last night and try to hide.  Do you like 'trying to hide a dead body' humor?  You're in luck...you freak.  The pair go have lunch at a cafe, but this is where a big drug deal is about to go down.  The police are there and, for some reason, our villain is there as well.  Yes, take a left at Coincidence Avenue and a right at Bullshit Street!  The key things: the police woman (our heroine) meets the criminal and our villain gets a gun.

What follows is a major obsession with a romantic angle over, you know, the plot.  Our crime boss tries to woo the uninterested woman.  It doesn't work too well.  Speaking of pointless, they set-up that the criminal is poor and is spending all of his money in this attempt.  During all of this, we are also introduced to our heroine's horny sister who ends up meeting our villain.  She goes to see him at his dentist's office and he drugs her.  Before he can do anything, his girlfriend comes in and offers herself to him instead, leading to them screwing in front of the drugged and half-naked girl. Eww.  Later on, he helps her out by scaring off some thugs with the gun he stole from the fight and invites her friends over to his apartment.  They talk about going camping and, in a not-at-all suspicious move, he offers to let them stay at his other apartment near the place.  In a fairly blatant Checkov's Gun, the sister shows the cop lady how you can untie a complex not in one tug.  Too subtle, movie!  Out in the woods, the kids are out in the rain and decide to run into the apartment to dry off.  They proceed to start drinking and dancing, while our villain watches from outside.  The sister goes upstairs, but we learn that the man drugged all of the food and drink.  The man goes upstairs and has his way with her.  He sets up a nearby boy as a patsy, but she wakes up.  Because of that, he kills her and sets it up anyways.

In a move similar- but different- to Part 1, they set-up a trial for the framed young man.  To make things different, the boy is killed before any of this can come to fruition.  Our heroine suspects that the dentist is to blame for both murders & the criminal tries to help.  Instead of doing this, he is set-up for sexual assault by the dentist and his nurse.  The dentist's ego comes into play as he tries to woo our heroine now and complete the family set.  He stalks her in the shower, but she notices his wet shoes and figures out what he did.  The criminal and his lackey set-up the man, but get captured by him and tortured Marathon Man-style.  Their only chance of escape involves the nurse untying their ropes with her teeth.  Back to our heroine, she plays into his uniform fetish (don't ask me how she knows about it) by wearing her 'girl-guide' (Brownies) outfit to dinner.  He tries to drug her and attack the grandmother, but the women were on to him.  He gets an advantage by holding his gun on the grandmother and makes the heroine tie herself to a door.  He beats up the old lady...'s stunt double.  He starts to have his way with the woman before she remembers the thing from earlier about untying the knot.  She knees him in the groin, sprays cleaner in his eyes and the grandma finishes him off by slashing his groin.  Just not in time, the police and the criminal show up.  Rather than ending on a serious note, they end on 'a laugh' as the criminal oggles the girl's exposed chest and gets slapped.  Ha ha?

Like the last film, this is not really a good movie.  It has a decent premise- a crazy killer among us meets justice from a common person- but ruins it.  How?  It focuses most of its time on a stupid, romantic angle.  Is this important?  No.  You want to pay more attention to the crazy man hiding amongst decent members of society?  No, this love story that is never resolved is much more important!  The acting is pretty bad across the board, especially when you consider that most of the cast was clearly told 'act like those guys in the first movie.'  I appreciate the semblance of continuity, although this is a bit silly.  If you want to make a sequel, make a sequel.  If you want to make something completely unrelated, but with a similar plot concept: make that.  Don't do that and have the characters act like Funhouse mirror versions of the last film's characters!  If you liked the first movie, you'll probably like this one...you freak.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash returns with a tale of teenagers, revenge and the worst third act twist ever!  As a bonus, it's an unofficial sequel to a successful series.  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: The Slumber Party Massacre

What kind of film do you expect when you hear this title?  Do you expect a classic film portraying the plight of the poor in a world of ill-gotten gain?  Do you expect to hear a heart-wrenching tale of love, loss and life?  No, you expect a shitty 1980's slasher film with teen girls, murder and jump scares.  To the film's credit, it delivers everything you expect.  To the film's detriment, it delievers everything you expect.  Many films have this thing called 'subtext,' but not this baby.  People act slutty, people get drunk and people get killed.  That's about all there is to it.  Still reading?  Good.  Fun fact: this movie was actually written by a lesbian activist as a parody of the then-booming (in 1982) genre.  Another fun fact: the movie plays it 100% straight.  In spite of that, let's see how much fun we can have with...

Our story begins by setting up our main heroine and her daily life.  Topless nubile breasts in the first two minutes- check.  She goes to High School, despite looking 25 like all of her classmates.  It helps with movies like this if you just think of them as students that have been really, really held back.  Not ten minutes in, we get our first kill as the driller killer (not the movie) takes out a repair-woman in broad daylight from inside her van.  Yeah, nobody sees or hears that.  We follow two horny teen guys who watch the girls play basketball, followed by the girls chit-chatting in the shower.  You really have no shame, do you, movie?  The key thing is that the girls are having a slumber party tonight, which will surely lead up to the titular 'massacre.'  One of the 'teens' forgets a book and goes back inside, only to have the killer follow her.  She runs away for a while, before hiding.  When that fails, she gives up on life and just stands there while he kills her.  Later that day, we get more set-up with the weird neighbor and one of the women next door, who happens to live with her sister.  Don't you just love filler?

Eventually, we get to the party and get some more filler.  Mind you, we get a few kills here and there during this time, but their minimalist at best.  For example, the weird guy neighbor is out killing snails, he bends over and gets a drill through his head.  Unfortunately, every person in this neighborhood is deaf!  Seriously, he has a power drill and nobody ever hears it.  It's not like you can put a silencer on that thing!  The girls drink, smoke pot and talk about guys.  We also get a very Feminist Quote of the Day: 'It's not what comes out of your mouth, it's what goes in it.'  Eww.  Seriously though, this is a pretty clear sign that this movie was written as a satire, even if the producers chose to ignore this!  During all of this, a few minor characters get knocked off, but it's mostly just jump scares.  In fact, this movie is so rife with cliches that it even uses the 'cat jumping out of a closet' scare.  You may think i'm being picky and looking at this through 2010 eyes, but consider that this was made in 1982, two years after such films as Friday the 13th and My Bloody Valentine.  We also get some more pointless nudity as the two guys from earlier spy through the window just as the girls change into the 'sleepover outfits.'  Thank you for that- it distracts me from how stupid everything else is...for a moment.

The last thirty or forty minutes of the film are the real juicy stuff, but even that has problems.  More people get offed including a pizza delivery guy!  There is also a bit that you would see later in Hostel Part 2 and the Thanksgiving trailer as one woman goes to her boyfriend...only to see his head fall off!  Both of our male heroes try to save the day, but meet a grisly end.  In a bit right out of a crappy urban legend, the second guy drags himself to the door, but the women don't answer it in time to save him.  The body count escalates so much that we actually get a scene of the man trying to stuff all the bodies in a trunk!  Mind you, this can only occur because our heroes have a penchant for turning on loud devices (i.e. the blender, a television) when people are shouting or looking away just at the right time.  That's so conveniently-stupid, at least in the serious manner of the film.  In a comedy, that would actually be, you know, good.  All of it boils down to a battle between the remaining women (see the Feminist hinge) battling the man.  They break his drill (SYMBOLISM!!!) and cut off his hand (MORE SYMBOLISM!!!).  Of course, being a slasher villain, he gets up for one last hurrah, which ends in him being impaled.  Our heroines all cry as the movie ends.  Um, hurray?

Do I even need to say this?  Okay, I will: this is not a good movie.  The movie is very dated and probably didn't even seem that great in 1982.  Unlike a lot of characters that would come from this era, this killer has no motivation.  This idea can work if it's a surprise, like in Final Exam.  In that film, it builds up a mystery of 'who is the killer,' only to have it be nobody.  This guy, however, is just a murderous asshole with a drill.  Can you imagine that going on your resume?  Another thing- why can't the film decide on whether we see his face or not?  In early shots, we see none of it...but then we see all of it...and back to none of it again.  It's not even like it's part of the mystery or anything.  Make up your mind, people!  What else can I say?  The movie has lots of killing, but is also padded to the brim.  The reason for this is that all of the kills are over and done with in about a minute, leaving room for more scenes of the 'teens' drinking.  That adds a lot- thanks!  If you're a fan of the genre, you may have some fun with it.  Anyone who thinks that '80s slasher films are nothing but excuses to show boobs and killing...would be right in this case.  It's a snapshot of film history- good or bad.

Next up, the sequel to a freaky exploitation film about 'rape.'  I'm sure that this one will be about cuddling.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Game Over

I have a lot more to say about this crappy film, but that is for another day and *possibly* another format.  This is what you need to know:
* A computer has been programmed to control military tech (yes, again).
* It has decided that it wants to challenge a game creator to beat his own games (yes, again).
* While this is going on, we get some intrigue about who we can/cannot trust.

During the game/fight our hero is going through, the evil boss and his two henchmen are holding a female hacker hostage as collateral.  When they realize that this game will spell the end of the world, the older henchmen offers to let his younger comrade go spend his remaining days with his girlfriend/wife.

Of course, the boss just shoots him for 'trying to desert' him.  This is not the real reason that our victim makes this segment.  It's this...

Before he gets shot, the man reveals that he has no girlfriend and that he is a virgin!  Sucks to be you...as a corpse.  Mind you, this revelation adds nothing but pointless pathos to his death.  Joy.

Up next, a man learns a fatal mistake: never be a bit character in a vampire film.  It doesn't end well.  Stay tuned...

Cinco De Crappo: Wrestlemaniac

Happy Cinco De Mayo, everyone!  Speaking as part-Irish/part-German born and raised in Florida, this means nothing to me, save for a day that people like to go out drinking.  I'm sure that there is more to than that- a statement I make in order to avoid offending what little of an audience I actually have.  I went back-and-forth on what to do for this day.  An El Santo movie perhaps? A Mexican horror film, maybe?  How about a shitty horror film made by and starring a bunch of white people?  I chose that one, but I have a good reason.  In a nutshell, the movie is a Frankenstein rip-off that features a zombie-like Luchador as its heavy.  As a bonus, that killer is played by Rey Mysterio Sr, the patriarch of a wrestling family that is only rivaled by the famed Guerreros.  Of course, the problem with this is that Mysterio was famous quite awhile ago and this film was made in 2006.  On top of that, the movie poster did the best they could to make you think that it was actually Rey Mysterio JR in the role.  Mind you, that would have meant the film would have had a 5'3" guy as the killer, which would just be silly.  How much crap is this movie and will it drive you to drink?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a woman running out of an old building and covered in blood.  After this and the above title card, the movie cuts back to a group of douche bags driving in a van.  We've got a mustachioed jerk who thinks of himself as a big-time director...that makes porn.  The cameraman is a fat guy who is supposed to be our Mexican expert, but who actually looks slightly-less white than me.  We also get a stupid stoner who apparently didn't realize that the guys took his van...with him in it.  I really hope he dies first.  In the back of the van, we have three whores...I mean, female leads.  One of them is passed out and will stay that way for the next thirty minutes of film time.  Another is an oddly-buff woman who looks like a sluttier version of that lady who has a show about a gym on Bravo.  The final one is a busty blond who was actually a WWE Diva's Search loser.  That's the kind of pro-wrestling heritage that this movie needed!  Incidentally, the film tries to bolster it's rep by showing old-school (read: public domain) luchador action over the credits.  It sort of kills this by randomly freeze-framing it for a second and playing it over shitty music.  Besides, all it does is remind us of what we're NOT going to see.

The movie goes from bad to worse in a hurry as our heroes are *sigh* lost.  They pull over at a gas station for directions where they warned not to go to a ghost town by a creepy man.  Do normal people ever work at these places in horror films?!?  Back on the road, the fat guy regales the passengers with the tale of El Mascarado, a crazy Luchador.  In a nutshell, he was *allegedly* created as an Adam-like Luchador in order to win the Olympics, but he went crazy and got locked up in the town.  As we'll see, there's no gate really holding him in, so why doesn't he ever leave?  Anyhow, the jerk director/driver runs over a rock and messes up the car right as they get into town.  Man, I love it when plot conveniences just pop up like that!  Undeterred, the director decides to go shoot in town & has two of the woman crawl on a bar top and make out.  Okay, so the movie does have its high points.  Seriously though, the movie teases some real dirty stuff but cuts away after about a minute of this to follow the previously-comatose girl.  She runs off sick and books it all the way out of town.  Easy there, Mrs. Bolt!  She gets snuck up on by the movie's POV camera and dies.  A bit later, the stoner guy wanders out and meets a similar fate near a bar.  Considering we have a cast of six people, this should be a short movie!

The last third of the movie consists of either violent, bloody deaths or padding.  After talking, our heroes split up, with three of them looking for the missing duo and Ms. Diva's Search fixing the car up.  Um, you go, girl?  They wander around a bit before discovering the bodies and that they are being followed by...something.  The film goes out of its way to hide the killer's identity, which is odd considering that he's all over the DVD cover.  After a chase and some door smashing, he kills jerk guy in the longest manner humanly-possible.  The guy gets stabbed with a bolt, smashed into a rock, kicked, stepped on and finally killed with a neck snap.  You'd think that guy owed him money!  The fat guy and the buff girl run some more and hide in a room right out of Bioshock that contains audio files explaining the monster.  Fun fact: they don't subtitle the Spanish tapes- jerks.  Fat guy figures out the key to beating the monster: taking his mask off.  Cornered in a room with a ring of sorts in it, he puts on his mask and challenges the guy.  This fight occurs off-screen and we see him bloodied in seconds.  The girl gets her back broken and her face ripped off like a Luchador's mask.  Finally, Ms. Diva's Search fixes the car and drives into town.  The thing chases her a bit, she hides and it chases her more.  She stabs it during a struggle and flees, but finds a pole through her chest.  Um, what?  The End.

This is not a good movie by any means.  The whole idea of these movies is to set-up characters you care about and don't want to die.  They do the opposite!  Aside from Buff Lady, they're really not all that likable.  Hell, even Ms. Diva Search's big feminism moment with the car is just plain annoying- because of her, mind you.  There's a reason that her biggest gig has been holding a briefcase on Deal or No Deal!  This movie's biggest problem is that it has no heart.  All of the characters are cliches, the suspense is mostly jump scares and the gore is just sort of random.  You get none of it for forty-plus minutes and then suddenly the movie turns into The Wizard of Gore!  Pacing, people- pacing!  The villain is nothing to write home about and his back-story is told through a shit on of forced narration.  The movie insists on hammering this crap into our heads.  Speaking of which, you would think that an Adam character would have scars or stitching- not here!  He's just a big, angry Luchador.  If La Parka didn't scare me on WCW Nitro, this guy sure is hell is not going to now!  Had this movie had better writing, pacing, acting and direction, it could have been good.  Just skip this film and hit the Cerveza instead!  I'll leave you with the only redeeming factors of the movie...

Next up, I celebrate a lost '80s slasher film involving teen girls, a killer and, well, that's about it.  Ah, the good old days.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Carrie

Stephen King's seminal work 'Carrie' has been made into a movie and a 'remake-quel' (The Rage: Carrie 2).  Nothing has been as off-center as this...

That doesn't make me think about the movie at all!  I can't complain about your artistic choices...much, but I can question why you made her look like a flaming chicken head!

Next up, Japan turns a Peter Jackson movie into...the usual shit.  Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Battle Girl- The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

This is another Japanese film about a tiny woman fighting zombies.  She has a gun.  The zombies shamble.  It all relates to some weird experiments.  These are all obvious things that I have seen a lot of.  They're all in this movie.  One thing to note about this movie is that it was directed by the same man who directed the Entrails series, which includes Entrails of a Virgin and Entrails of a Beautiful Woman.  Have I raised or lowered your hopes properly?  Good.  Let's get right to it.  This is...

The film begins with a bad blue screen shot of a meteor approaching the Earth.  It crashes into Tokyo bay- obviously- and has some odd effects.  The noteworthy one: turning people into zombies.  They explain it...kind of, but it's pretty much just a flimsy pretense for zombies.  Another pointless side effect of this is a weird blue tint to the air which makes a city shot of Tokyo, which eerily looks like Troma's logo.  We meet our heroine, who is a young woman in dull, gray clothes.  She avoids some zombies before running afoul of a gang of weapon merchants.  They all dress like they're in a Japanese punk band, which I guess is a look.  They turn down a job to help someone due to low pay and follow this up by knocking our heroine off of their ride.  You're the best supporting cast we could get, huh?  Eventually, our heroine makes it to her bunker and gets her taped message a la Charlie's Angels, Mission: Impossible and every other spy story ever.  Her contact is her dad, which sort of kills the momentum of our character.  Why is she our heroine who gets all the weapons and the armor?  Because her dad is in the army.  Lame.

Once she gets out, she works her way to the military command.  She kills some shambling zombies with her gun and just generally looks generic.  One notable thing is that she has a sub-machine gun and an aiming light on her wrist.  I get the idea, but putting there would make you always aim to your side.  Plus, her armor is basically just treated leather.  When she gets inside, she crosses paths with a quartet of people in ridiculous outfits.  Basically, they look like people who would be fighting the Toxic Avenger.  Maybe the Troma logo thing is not a coincidence.  She talks to the head of the military brass in the area and learns that her dad is out in the field.  The guy is trying to set up a boat to take all of the survivors out of the city.  The guy at the base is clearly evil, a fact proved seconds later when he tells the oddly-dressed agents to kill our heroine.  Outside, she fights the first one- a man with metal teeth and glove claws.  After an awkward kung-fu fight, she kills him.  The second one puts up a little more of a fight, but goes down as well.  Wow, your crack team is sure worth...jack shit.

Out in the field, our heroine runs back into the punk rock gang near a village of survivors barricading themselves in.  Thankfully for them, the two remaining men in the hit squad show up and start shooting.  They're so powerful that their guns don't always make muzzle flashes when they're firing!  Of course, they start shooting at the humans next, just to make sure that nobody with the infection possibly gets out.  Our heroine joins forces with the punk rock group to take them out, but two of them get killed.  For the finale, the boss man shows up and battles our heroine.  For some reason, he is unaffected by an RPG blast a couple feet in front of him and he gets our heroine in a choke-hold.  He grabs the sole remaining punk girl next and makes his big taunting speech.  Basically, he wants to use a form of the weird space radiation to make super-soldiers (yawn) and wants to stop the dad from getting the people out.  Why?  Because if the world knows about the crisis, Japan will lose its power.  I don't know- just go with it.  He injects himself with the drug, but gets his arms paralyzed and a grenade shoved in his mouth.  Our heroine meets up with dad and stays to finish up a mission.  Thank you, sequel bait for a film that doesn't exist.  The End.

This movie is not terrible, but it's not that great either.  The film is pretty generic, in spite of its goofy title and silly plot.  None of the stuff you see is all that unique, which is what you'd expect from a Japanese zombie film like this.  Hell, for all of its faults, Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead has killer zombie teachers and a spy plot stolen from Alias!  It might be unfair to compare this to some later efforts like Tokyo Gore Police and the like due to it's age (it was made in 1990), I suppose.  You can see that they were trying with this one, but the effort just doesn't live up to the hype.  A lot of movies are out there that have great titles, but end up being mediocre films.  It sounds bad when I'm lumping you in the same category as Satan's Slave and Lucifera- Demon Lover, huh?  This is a pretty decent film if you like the genre and quirky Japanese movies.  Ultimately though, it's just not as interesting as you would think.  I'll give it a 'C' for effort.

Up next, I celebrate Cinco De Mayo with a film starring Rey Mysterio...Sr.  I had you going for a second, huh?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Darkman III- Die Darkman Die!

This is the last Darkman film made...so far, so let's wrap this whole thing up.  

Arnold Vosloo is back, but no other cast members from Darkman II are on hand here.  In fact, the only thing you get from that movie is re-used footage...but more on that later.  

The movie not only ignores some key points and characters, but does a bit of ret-conning of its own.  

The film introduces a new villain to the mix that has to live up the hammy portrayal of Mr. Durant from the first two films.  

On the plus side, character actor Jeff Fahey is on hand for this movie, so he's up to the task!  Subtlety- not on display here.  

In fact, the movie feels like a bit of parody at times, as everyone overplays their 'tough guy' act.  

Is it intentional?  Maybe, but I wouldn't give them that much credit.  

Enough teasing- let's wrap this up more than Darkman's head with...

I hope you like that Darkman origin scene, because you get it again!  It's all the same, but they cut out that part about Durant.  

In its place, we are shown a surgeon who apparently worked on Dr. Westlake before he officially became Darkman.  Gee, why are you showing me that?  

At a gun deal led by Rooker (Jeff Fahey) is interrupted by one of the henchmen having a double.  Gee, I wonder why.  

A foot chase/shoot-out occurs as our hero narrowly escapes, thanks to a car decapitating the villain as he climbs out of a manhole.  Two movies within a week with that- what are the odds?!?  

Like in the last film, he takes a bunch of money to buy some equipment.  Unknown to him, however, there is a giant tracking device on the side of the box.  Our hero = blind.  

Remember that part where he makes a mask, but fails to get it past the 99-minute mark?  We get it again- thanks, stock footage!  

This re-used footage is interrupted by the arrival of a woman, who turns out to be the surgeon from before.  She takes him to her lab and shows him the work that she has done.  She offers to do a surgery on him to restore his sense of feeling, something he apparently lost as part of the accident.  

He uses her notes in conjunction with his own to make a new mask...only to find out that the woman is not who she seems to be.

Basically, the lady is a greedy bitch.  

To elaborate, she is a greedy bitch who is working for Rooker and sells out our hero.  

As part of this, she re-attaches his pain center, but puts a little robot in it that allows her to zap him.  Rather than obsessing with the mask technology (that's our hero's hobby), Rooker is obsessed with the weird formula that gives him super-strength...sometimes.  

Our hero awakens chained to a hook and breaks free, only to find himself being chased by numerous armed men.  

After a long sequence- including an awkward bit where his stuntman tries to run across the tops of some barrels- he is captured and Rooker explains that this was done to get a proper sample of the formula.  

Leaving our hero in a ditch, the men forget that he's a doctor and he removes the object, which looks goofy as shit.  He escapes and mopes about how the single floppy disk worth of his formula is now in Rooker's hands.  

By the way, he has about six copies in Darkman II, so this feels a bit silly.  Since this is a Darkman movie, he goes through a plan of impersonating Rooker and his men. 

 In an odd twist, this takes a more morose turn as having a pretend family makes our hero sad.  Wow, you suck.

Things go from great to worse for Rooker as our hero impersonates him at a party and agrees to testify against Rooker's business associates.  

He eventually approaches the wife in person and tries to explain it all to her.  This plot is a bit ridiculous as one act of playing the piano with the daughter makes Rooker's wife all happy again.  

Ten plus years of neglect and cheating is made up for in one act of playing Chopsticks!  The real Rooker has an equally-silly plan: killing a Senator and getting himself elected.  

A rich, corrupt guy trying to get elected- that couldn't happen two times in the same year in Florida!  What makes this silly is that his plan involves dosing his crappy henchmen with 'super-steroids.'  In theory, that's great.  

Maybe you could do that in England where cops only have billy clubs and teacups, but our cops have shotguns!  

This all builds up to a showdown at the incumbent's rally which...is stopped easily by Darkman.  

The final battle involves Darkman fighting Rooker in a warehouse...with Rooker's own wife and kids as hostages.  Um, what?!?  

Rooker dies, but the girl is lightly burned, 'making' Darkman give up his only sample of good formula & dooming him to a life of scarred existence.  

The End.

This is definitely not a good movie.  

I suppose that goes without saying, but I feel like it bears repeating.  

This movie is called Darkman III: Die Darkman Die, for God's sake!  

Unlike the last film, the pulpy elements are pushed back in favor of drama.  Say what you will about how bad the second film is, the pulp action is sort of fun.  

This movie is ridiculous, full of itself and lacking in any good ideas.  

What kind of twists do they throw in here?  

The bad guy betraying his own scheming mistress- seen it.  

A dark hero mourning the life he could have had- ask Batman about that!  

In addition, I should mention one quirky thing about this film and the last one- Arnold Vosloo has last billing as Darkman.  On the surface, this looks stupid as hell, but think about it.  

For most of the film- especially this one- Darkman is in disguise or wrapped up in gauze.  

Darkman in gauze = stuntman.  

The problem with this movie is that our hero plays second fiddle to just about everything else.  

The movie with 'Darkman' in the title twice has the least amount of Darkman- go figure! 

 Seriously, there are much better action films than this one.  

Although, this one is (was then and might be again when you read this) currently streaming on Netflix.  For free-on-demand, it's only sub-par.

Next up, another Japanese film about a tiny woman fighting zombies- sure, why not?  As a bonus, it features a cameo by the Troma logo.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Darkman II- The Return of Durant

The Direct-To-Video market is by a no means a new thing and it's resurgence today is a sign of how history repeats itself.  

In the 1990s, the market was huge and people could make any bad movie they wanted.  The odds were in favor of them at least recouping their investment due to a strong audience of viewers.  

As such, Sam Raimi and company thought to make some more money off of their superhero film that failed to match the success of the Batman series.  

They made two Direct-to-Video sequels to the film, although there is not as much carry-over as you would think.  

The role of Darkman was recast as Arnold Vosloo, who had just come off of playing the henchmen in Hard Target, a film co-produced by Raimi.  

There's also a bit of foreshadowing in casting for this film, but I'll get to that later.  This is...

The film begins with a re-shot version (to omit Liam Neeson) of the Darkman background information.  

For those who don't follow failed 1990's super-hero movie films, our hero was Dr. Westlake, a man who made Mr. Durant mad.  In turn, the guy made a giant explosion that disfigured our hero, but also gave him super-strength.  

Please don't make me explain that part.  

Anyhow, our hero can make synthetic skin to take someone's face...but only for 99 minutes at a time.  He became Darkman and got revenge on him by impersonating him using the skin.  

In the end, he locked Durant's helicopter to a moving train and it crashed into a tunnel.  

Mind you, this all happened in the first Darkman, a movie you probably should check out.  

In this second film, a pair of gang rivals have a car chase/shoot-out.  One of them steals a briefcase full of money (ah, the days before electronic banking), but runs into Darkman.  He shoots at him, but our hero blocks the bullets with a sewer grate.  Um, you know that those have holes in them, right?  

Our hero knocks out the man, steals the money and goes to his lair.  Hurray?

In a bit of footage you'll also see in Part III, he prepares a mask, but it doesn't beat the 99-minute mark.  I'm glad you put that at the beginning, so I can be completely un-invested in this!  

Reading a magazine about biochemistry (they exist?!?), he discovers a man doing similar work to him.  Around the same time, Durant has returned- spoiler alert, title!- and merely has a few scars.  He also takes some pills, but what they do is never explained.  He wants to get his company back into the arms race and decides to do so by creating some new guns.  To do this, they need a factory building, which turns out to be owned by the same guy who Darkman is seeking.  The goons start to threaten the owner, but the arrival of Westlake sends them away.  Of course, they don't recognize him or mention this fact to Durant.  'Say, that guy who nearly killed you before was there- do you care?'  The pair of scientists- Westlake and the owner- work on a new kind of skin & get some good results.  While our hero is away, Durant plans to muscle his way in.  Before that, he learns that one of his men was making a back-door deal with other gun dealers.  They kill him by strapping him into a golf cart and dumping it off of the roof.  Too subtle, Durant!

Via a listening device planted in the room, our hero learns when Durant and company show up.  He pumps his train car up to full speed to save the day- he fails.  He switches place with one of Durant's men and learns about his plan.  While he's there, they drag in the warehouse owner's sister...played by Gabrielle from Xena!  He ushers her out of the building, but she gets captured when she confuses Darkman with the real henchman.  Yeah, your plan had a giant hole in it!  While this is happening, Durant's scientist has created some sort of laser weapon that either blows objects up immediately or does it with a delay.  Ah, movie science.  Our hero's final plan involves switching places with a different henchman, making poisonous pills and giving them to Durant.  At the big arms deal, he tries it, only to get captured.  You're our hero WHY exactly?  Durant decides to do a show of the weapon's power on Darkman and the girl, but his talk of cutting off fingers- his trademark- causes our hero to have a super-hero freak out!  In an improbable battle, he switches places with other henchman twice- how many masks did he bring with him again?!?- and faces off with the villain.  The battle is back-and-forth, but our hero ultimately kills Durant with a remote-control bomb.  The day is saved...by our cowardly hero.  The End.

This is not really a good movie.  

The tone is all over the place and I'm not sure how to feel.  This movie comes across as more serious than Batman & Robin at times, but as dark as Batman Returns at others.  

Pick a tone, movie!  

Speaking of Batman, this movie is in love with weird shots and Dutch Angles.  The acting is alright, but a few of the people need to know the meaning of the words 'tone it down.'  

The biggest problem is that the movie doesn't explain a lot of things.  

For example, how did Durant survive an exploding helicopter?  

What are in those pills he's taking?  

Seriously, why does Darkman have super-strength?  

Plus, just like in Riki-Oh, it sort of comes and goes when it pleases.  

Ultimately, a lot of this movie's plot is just pointless.  Does it matter that the other scientist was working on synthetic skin?  No.  

Darkman is already a defender of the innocent and an enemy of Durant- he doesn't need motivation!  The whole thing is pretty ridiculous, but fans of '90s action films will enjoy it.  

Is it on par with a Sam Raimi film?  No.

Up next, all of your unanswered questions about Darkman will be answered in the Direct-To-Video series' finale.  Actually, that's a lie- it's just a different villain.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Banker

This is a guy we all want to kill, right?  That's not even getting into the fact that he's a killer here.  Speaking of which...

That's...interesting.  He drives an upside down car and kills people with a crossbow.  The real problem: he's stolen by passions- both of them!

Fun fact: this movie co-stars Leif Garrett and Jeff Conaway.  Why should you care again?

Up next, a movie that shows you the villain right on the front.  Do we still need to see the movie?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Losers

I just saw this movie last night and couldn't help posting about a new and fitting addition to the series.

The film is centered around the hunt for Max, an evil guy with evil plans.  I'm being vague, since this is playing in theaters still and all action-comedy fans should go see it.  After testing a device, he lands on a desert island and discusses his plans.  It's just him, his second-in-command and a woman whose job it is to hold his umbrella.  You can see where this is going, can't you?

The woman stumbles slightly on a shell and the umbrella moves away from the bad guy for a moment.  He calmly asks for his assistant's gun and shoots her.  Why?  Why did you do any of this?!? 

Oh right, you're evil.

Being a random character who got stuck with a crappy job and killed for a minor infraction?  That's a Poor Bastard of Cinema...even if it is a girl.

Seriously, The Losers is really good.  Go see it.

Instant Trash: Excessive Force II- Force on Force

Yes, this is a real movie.  I've seen it and it does exist.  With that out of the way, let's talk about the actual film, shall we?  Okay, stop me if you've heard this one before: a woman is wronged by a man and goes out of her for bloody revenge against him.  Yeah, real unique, guys!  Here's  the big secret though: it's not a sequel to Excessive Force!  Mind you, most people without the benefit of F/X during it's heyday of showing crappy movies in the afternoon have not seen it.  It's an action film with a guy who seeks revenge against a crime lord for the death of his friend.  By the way, his friend is Candyman.  On the plus side, his friend would come back from the dead and become a totally-real FBI agent who tells us crappy horror film tales.  Before I make any more obscure review references, let's check out...

The film begins by introducing us to our villains, a hit team that will work for anyone with money.  Their first job is killing people in a cemetery...for some reason.  Saves on the transportation, I guess.  We get our first hint of silliness as one of the men is hiding about three feet in the air with the world's largest crossbow.  Yeah, nobody can see that!  We are also treated to some ridiculous action that sets the tone for the rest of the movie as well. Choppy editing- check.  People doing their best version of the 'zombie dance' when shot- check.  Acting that doesn't improve even when it comes to simply firing a gun- big damn check!  So they succeed at their job, but a homeless man sees them do it.  The balding policeman who is supposed to serve as our comedic relief ignores his 'weird story' about killers.  The policeman goes to the scene later to investigate and gets grabbed by some Asian thugs.  Why?  To set up a fight scene for our heroine, of course.  Does it serve the plot in any way at all?  Not in the slightest.  It's cute of you to ask though.  Thanks to some slow-mo fighting, she saves the day.  By the way, way to wear a tank-top under your suit jacket, honey.  Of course, this whole thing proves pointless as the bum is found dead in the next scene.  In some amazing plot convenience, a henchman drives by and sees our heroine.  Dun dun lame!

Our heroine figures out that there is more to this than a random crime.  How does she know?  Well, she has a history with the man behind the crime, not that we will be told this for quite a while.  We are next introduced to a doctor & the man is greeted by our heroine, who instantly makes out with him and has implied sex via an editing wipe.  Man, life as Justin Timberlake is great!  We get a ridiculous scene setting up our villain character involving him ogling a woman coming out of the pool.  Thanks, that added...um, nothing.  The film also has a whole back-story involving our heroine needing some sort of surgery, but putting it off to get revenge.  That's worse than the guy in The Karate Kid Part III literally canceling business in lieu of revenge.  This comes up via the doctor, who finally presses our heroine for the truth.  As it turns out, she was part of a hit team with the guy in a foreign country.  Of course, all we see is a hotel room- cheap bastards!  After having off-screen sex, he asks her to join a new, elite team with him.  When she says 'No,' he immediately shoots her in the head and leaves.  That's cold...but points for prioritizing, bro.

By the way, this movie has lots of action- shitty action, but action nonetheless.  What else would you expect from a movie with force in the title three times!  Our heroine is sneak attacked by a man who decides to shoot at her with a crossbow, but has a convenient migraine and dodges.  She dresses up like a stripper to get into a strip club and kills one of the men while trying to get information.  She even manages to confront the bad guy...but spends five minutes talking to him and gets interrupted.  It's alright, because he does the same crap later!  It all boils down to a climactic showdown at a police station.  Our heroine turns herself in to appease the doctor, but we learn that balding cop is actually corrupt.  Seconds later, he is killed- that was pointless!  Our heroine is trapped away from her gun while the men break in shooting.  Why are you in disguise then?!?  When some of them break into the room and shoot at her, she decides to dive through a glass window instead of using the door.  After killing the rest of the henchmen, she has a talk-fight/car-chase/shoot-out with her former beau.  She actually lets the man go...but he dies when he tries to shoot her...again.  She gets surgery...which makes her put her hair up under some gauze.  The End.

This movie, as you may have guessed, is not good.  It epitomizes everything about the bad '90s video market & shows what you did not miss if you were born later.  I've been able to live through this crap and you should be happy!  The acting is bad, the action is bad and the shooting is bad.  Yes, the shooting is bad- deal with it!  The plot is full of ridiculous moments too.  Want to hear a few?  How about the time when our heroine fires 'cop-killer' bullets from her Desert Eagle at a firing range?  How about the time that she leads a nerdy man on with sex so she can get to a bad guy?  How about the time she coerces information from the dead guy's girlfriend by threatening to leave her in a room full of homeless rapists?!?  I sure do respect our heroine, don't you?  The whole revenge story is ridiculous and makes you feel like you missed a movie's worth of back-story.  Why?  Was it to make you think that this was a sequel to a film called Excessive Force?  That's low, movie- damn, low!  On the plus side, this movie is prime for riffing and easy to mock.  I'll leave you with something that the filmmakers don't want you to see...

Up next, Forgotten Sequels brings you a two-part look at the bleak future of a forgotten superhero.  Things are going to be dark...man.  Stay tuned...