Three Witches: Warlock 3

Let's close up this witching chapter of Mondo Bizarro with a look at the third and final film in the series.  Mind you, I call it a series very, very loosely.  Considering that the first film is about a time-traveling magician, the second film is about the Son of Satan and this film is about this guy trying to kill the descendant of a witch.  Sadly, this film is bereft of Julian Sands, although they do have a decent fill-in.  New to the role- and only doing it once- is Bruce Payne, a man most people would recognize as either Damodar from Dungeons & Dragons or Kell from Highlander: Endgame.  He is a classically-trained theater actor from England, but he does stuff like this?  That would be sad if it wasn't so common.  The other thing notable about this movie is what else was lost or changed.  For starters, a different company owns the rights to this movie.  I guess it's a Terminator situation, huh?  Secondly, the movie took six years to get made and was not released theatrically.  Anyone still optimistic?  Anyhow, let's close this book with...

Warlock 3: The End of Innocence

The movie begins with a flashback to the 16th Century involving a woman running around in the woods and being chased by a warlock.  Guys, you are giving me flashbacks to both Troll 2 and Leprechaun 2.  Is this what you want to inspire?!?  In the present, we are introduced to our heroine who is extremely-generic.  I try to find something interesting in actors, but damn is she dull!  Her friends, however, spend their first scene engaging in some handcuffed lap-dancing.  I think we have officially reached 'the end of innocence' now!  The plot of the film involves our heroine wanting to go to an old family estate to get some heirlooms before reconstruction work is done.  That means leaving on the weekend before mid-terms to get the stuff.  In a rare bit of story logic, the friends put work over play and refuse to go.  That's creative!  I wonder where they're going to go with this.  Before our hero gets there, a man is killed by a force in the window.  Who is he?  Nobody.  Why is this important?  It's not.  Our heroine's first night is filled with all of the cliches- creaking boards, thunderstorm and freaky mirror spirits.  What?  You don't see those every night?  All of this builds up to...the friends showing up.  Thanks for nothing, plot thread.

*

Around this time, the fifth wheel of the group- the one without a lady- opens up a rusty pipe and lets loose the warlock.  I guess he was hanging out with his buddies from Dark Water.  Since he is a stoner,- why not- he ignores this reveal.  An art historian shows up to warn our heroine about the whole family curse involving the warlock.  Speaking of which, a mysterious man shows up and talks in a British accent.  Witch!  Of course, only our secondary heroine figures out that something is awry.  Since she is a Wiccan (not a Druid!) with a magical necklace, she is immune to his powers.  Unfortunately, the fifth wheel is not and gets manipulated into helping our villain.  How?  He is in love with our heroine, so he plays along.  Oh and we get another BDSM scene with the couple- thanks, movie.  When our Wiccan finally confronts the Warlock, she learns that a lock of her hair was stolen by the stoner guy, as well as her necklace.  He turns her into glass and shatters her.  He uses his powers to capture everyone else.  He tortures and abuses them until they 'give her up' (a nod to the stone retrieval in Part 2, maybe).  The BDSM couple get tortured Hellraiser-style until they concede.  The big sacrifice goes pretty well until our heroine moves slightly out of the way and fights back.  A big fight ensues & the pompous warlock goes down thanks to a knife hidden in a doll.  Hey, don't look at me- I didn't write it!  The End.

*

This movie is really not that good.  It has some good magical effects in it, but they are nothing compared to Part 2.  Payne does a good job, but I can't help but miss Sands here.  You guys could have just called this The End of Innocence, you know, and saved yourself this problem.  The plot is just not up to par for what you would expect with this series.  The first two films involve a warlock trying to end all of existence or bring Hell to Earth.  This one- he just wants power.  If you can turn people to glass, you should learn to just accept what you have!  If I could turn people into glass, well, I would not bother with a silly website about movies.  The film is about what you expect with direct-to-video films from this era and nothing more.  You could have done so much more, guys!  Oh well.

*

Next up, a bad movie about witches with an even worse transfer.  Can I complain about a film transfer when the movie is also this bad?  Yes, yes I can.  Stay tuned...

Three Witches: Warlock 2

We're back with the second film ins the series and with a brand new director.  This time, it is Anthony Hickox, the man behind the Waxwork films and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat.  What this should tell you is that the movie will be weird, bloody and full of odd special effects.  In that regard, the movie truly delivers.  What I should note is that this an in-name only sequel to the movie and ignores everything else.  Even the origin of our villain has been tweaked a little.  Even so, it has Julian Sands in it, so it will never be all bad.  Can this movie deliver the kind of visceral experience that the original promised?  Find out in my review of...

Warlock: The Armageddon

The film begins in the past with some Druids.  Oh no, they're back to make sub-par historical epics!  Actually, a group of them is attacked as they seek to do a ceremony involving some magical stones.  Most of them are killed, but a few get away with some of the stones.  We jump to the present where a woman is getting ready for a night out on the town.  Unfortunately, a mysterious force attacks her and impregnates her!  In a matter of moments, a gross creature pops out of her circa Xtro.  That creature: Julian Sands.  If there ever was a case for late term abortions, this would be it.  Her date shows up and it is...Zach Galligan.  He is killed off-screen for his all-black ensemble.  Thanks for visiting, Zach.  I'll see you again in...well, nothing really.  I kid, I kid.  Anyhow, we meet our hero and heroine, a young couple who are not meant to be.  The father of the girl is against them seeing each other, saying that it has something to do with his family.  At the same time, the son complains about his family being different.  Um, what's the big secret, guys?  Maybe the dad will explain it when he meets the couple out in the field.  Oh, he actually just shoots the kid with a shotgun.  Holy coming out of left field, Batman!

*

Finally, we all get some explanation.  The family, you see, is the descendants of the Druids from the beginning.  The other dad is the local priest of a congregation who thinks that Druids are Satanists.  No, you're thinking of the Seventh Day Adventists.  Seriously though, the young man is a Druid Warrior (multi-classing?!?) who is destined to stop the Son of Satan (Sands) from opening up a portal to Hell with the magical stones.  Our villain has six days to collect the stones and do the ceremony during the lunar eclipse or be forced to wait another long time to do it.  Hundreds of years in Hell with a disappointed Satan- not fun.  He goes about his task of retrieving the stones while our hero has to prepare.  His preparation involves learning to use his Druid powers, which look oddly like the Force.  Keep an eye out for some CG object effects which do not exactly hold up to well.  During that, Sands is wreaking some serious havoc.  The catch to retrieving the objects is that they must be given to him.   Of course, knowing this guy, he will not play fair!

*

The bits with the evil warlock killing people are by far the best parts of the movie.  One woman agrees to give him the stone if he demonstrates some magic.  He does this by flying into the air...and dropping her.  Another man is trapped in a mirror dimension by Sands and given the option of handing over the fake stone in exchange for his release.  Yeah, he picks wrong.  Of course, his best moment is still grabbing a midget fortune teller- no, not Zelda- and slamming her into an iron maiden.  Guys, lock the medieval torture device next time!  The most freaky retrieval involves Sands tricking an art dealer into giving the stone over in exchange for the best piece of his life.  When he gets the stone, he turns the man into an object de art!  The big, bloody finale involves our hero manipulating the elements of earth to try and stop the warlock.  He fails initially when he is launched out of a building and onto a pipe.  Things take a turn for the better when our heroine uses her new-found Druid powers- without all the training, mind you- to battle Sands as well.  They are both immobilized, however, and the Warlock begins the ritual.  Using their combined powers, our heroes stop the ceremony by turning on some truck's headlights (don't ask), which makes Sands really mad.  One magically-propelled knife later though, he dies a bloody death.  Picture the melting death of Radu, basically.  One sequel-bait ending and this is over.

*

This movie- in spite of its flaws- is clearly the movie that Warlock should have been.  Hickox' influence is clear, with all of the blood and crazy effects.  Not all of the hold up- anything CG, pretty much- but it is all fun.  If you love crazy blood effects, this is definitely the movie for you!  Sands delivers another great performance here and really relishes the role.  He has a neat mix of disinterest and anger that is much harder to pull off than you might think.  The supporting actors do a solid job, although the older Druids really steal the show.  The main actors are passable, but never really get the star-making role out of it that they may have hoped for.  Although, fun fact- the girl (Paula Marshall) would also star in Full Eclipse and become a staple of TV show guest-starring.  The guy, however, has not worked since the direct-to-video sequel to The Brave Little Toaster...in 1998.  If you are going to see one Warlock movie, make it this one.  You don't really need to see the others for this to work either.

*

Up next, the conclusion to the Warlock trilogy.  Was it worth the six years it took to get made?  All signs point to 'no.'

Forgotten Toons: Garbage Pail Kids

 As I said in the teaser, this show is obscure because it never aired in North America!  It aired in many other places and has since been released on DVD though.  Why?  I'll attempt to explain...

The show was ordered by CBS in 1987, but protested against.  I guess all the moms who protested Silent Night, Deadly Night had free time.  The controversy was so great that the show was pulled before it even aired and replaced with another episode of Muppet Babies, expanding that show's time-slot to 90 minutes!

So, after all of these years, is the show good?  No.  It's terrible.  Just watch the introduction and see why.

There is no real over-arcing plot to the show.  It features random cartoon segments that are unrelated, including ironic tributes to people such as 'The Grouchy Neighbor.'  The only connective thread is a group of GPK that have super-powers and battle evil adults.  One of them can turn into water, while another one is half-Frankenstein's monster.  Why?  Who the hell knows or cares?

Avoid this show unless you are extremely and utterly curious.  You will likely be disappointed, unless you think that Ren & Stimpy is too cerebral.  Just trust me here, people.

Up next, a movie serial icon comes to the small screen in animated form.  All I can say is this: Flash...oh OH!  Stay tuned...

Three Witches: Warlock (1989)

I really like Julian Sands- he's a compelling actor.  One could argue that he does not always pick the best films to do- I'm looking at you The Medallion- but he is great in whatever he does.  Today we won't talk about that disappointing movie and focus instead on the first of three films about an evil witch.  This film was made by Steve Miner, the man who brought us Jason Voorhees (in Friday the 13th Part II and III) and House- the horror film, not the show.  In the last decade, he has been a television director, working on such shows as Smallville and Karen Sisco.  Apparently, he is good enough to work on shows based on movies, but not  actual movies!  In fairness to Steve, he did direct Day of the Dead- the remake in 2008, that is.  At least it was not Day of the Dead 2: Contagium!  Getting back on-topic, this movie involves a witch time-traveling to the present...of 1989 and trying to get Satan's bible together.  Have you tried Barnes & Noble?  This is...

Warlock

The film begins with a slow sequence of men walking in a dark, bleak and rainy town.  Old-timey Kansas or Bergman film- you decide!  Oh yeah, one of them is also Mr. Pitt as a witch-hunting priest.  First a Nazi and now this- the guy has range!  They go to see their most important prisoner- Julian Sands.  Mr. Sands is sporting a lovely pair of toe-to-thumb cuffs which are the hottest trend in condemned mages.  The lead witch hunter- sporting an Aragorn-style look- taunts the man before leaving to wait in the hallway for the execution date.  Unfortunately, the perfect storm of clouds and CGI hits and a tornado summons our warlock friend away.  So your big spell was the teleport trick from Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest?  The angry witch hunter follows him, however, and disappears into time.  In the grand tradition of Dungeons & Dragons, his trip takes a lot longer than the other man's and they never explain it.  Anyhow, our narrative jumps to Los Angeles & a lovely pair of a gay man and a teeny-bopper.  The warlock pops out of his tornado and shows up in their living room, causing a bit of confusion.  The lady departs in the morning, leaving the gay man and the warlock together.  I smell a sitcom!  Actually, Mr. Sands puts a stop to that by cutting the man's fingers off to get a ring and drinks his blood.  Naturally, this is a distressing thing to come home to, but it will only get worse.

*

Unfortunately for our heroine, the witch hunter shows up as well and does not exactly fit in.  She calls the cops on him, who you think would be none to keen with her living in a crime scene.  They show up and arrest the time-torn man, but not before he sets up a witch radar (don't ask).  They tell her to leave again, but she stays around to get all 1,000 of her bags.  During all of this, the warlock goes to a fake psychic and summons his master- Satan.  The Prince of Lies tells him to reassemble his holy book to unmake existence.  The poor woman also gets her eyes ripped out and used as a manuscript radar.  Fear the power of radar!  The warlock shows up at the house since, you guessed it, some of the pages are there.  Geez, he could have saved so much time if he had checked earlier!  By the way, good job reusing your sets, Steve.  Before he goes, he casts an aging spell on the young woman, causing her to age 20 years a day until her death.  All of a sudden, trusting the witch hunter seems like a good idea and they go off together.  Unfortunately for them, the warlock is ahead of them and skins a kid (off-screen) in order to make a flying spell.  Brooms?  We don't need no stinking brooms!

*

The action gets hot and heavy from hereon out, but so does the odd padding.  You see, the movie has a straight-forward 'go there and do this' plot, but acts extra elements to it.  Fight the warlock at a Mennonite farm- sure.  Spend two or three scenes showing how the guy does not fit into society- why not?  Give us a whole bit of them getting onto a plane and nothing happening- that's pushing it.  The action we do get is good though and the effects hold up relatively-well.  The whole thing culminates in Boston where the final pages are buried in a graveyard.  The book seems safe, as it is on holy ground, but our heroes learn that the coffin will be moved.  To make things worse, the coffin belongs to our time-torn hero.  He refuses to look, but the implication is that his body is there.  You should be happy- it means that you win!  Our villain shows up and proves that he has learned from the last battle.  The hunter fights Sands, but gets a fireball down his throat for his troubles.  The warlock gets his hands on the book and begins to utter God's name backwards to undo existence (don't ask).  However, our plucky heroine recalls the bit about unholy beings having a weakness against salt.  To stop him, she stabs the all-powerful being with her insulin and he melts, but not before giving us one more jump scare.  All is right...for now.

*

This movie is quite good, but suffers some major problems as well.  The pacing is a bit erratic at times and certain bits could be trimmed.  While not necessarily real long- it clocks in at about 1 hour and forty-five minutes- it could do with some cutting.  It gets a bit repetitive is all I'm saying.  Sands is great though, which helps make all of his scenes worthwhile.  The interaction between the hunter and the young woman feels very organic though, so it does have that going for it.  The acting is good across the board, so you can do worse than watching this movie.  It's not the strongest entry in the 80s horror market, but it has its moments.  If you want less story and more craziness, wait until the first sequel.

*

Up next, the first sequel.  Anthony Hickox takes the helm for this one, so expect blood, guts and a cameo by Zach Galligan.  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: Destroyer

I won't lie to you- I have no idea what this movie is.  Even so, I can't help but be attracted to this...

Holy crap- I would buy that movie in a second!  Of course, this just turns out to be a movie about a crazed serial killer who somehow failed to die at his execution.  Geez, I can see how these things sold so well!

Up next, we keep this trend going with a film starring...Adam West?  Stay tuned...

Year in Review: Trancers Quintology

As we approach the 20th, we near the 1 year anniversary of Mondo Bizarro.  A big change is coming down the pipe, but, until then, enjoy this look back at what my little hands and eyes have accomplished.

Back in July, I did the first Quintology review.  For those not 'in the know,' this is a review of a 5-Part movie series.  I started off with a little Full Moon film called Trancers.

Trancers: This sets up the tale of Jack Deth being sent to the past to stop the murders of the ancestors of the future's ruling council.  The whole thing is built around time travel via body possession of one's ancestors.  He meets up with a cute blonde (Helen Hunt), who would play a big role in his life in the future.  This movie is fun fluff that apes crime noir and sci-fi at the same time.  It's no Blade Runner, but it has its charm.

Trancers 2: This sequel hits a lot of the right notes, but definitely has some issues.  It is one of the rare sequels that actually addresses the gap of time between the films being made (this time, 6 years).  The plot gets screwy and has a couple of holes that you could drive a Prius through.  That said- it features genre actors Jeffrey Combs and Richard Lynch, which is always a plus.  It also started a bad trend in the series...

Trancers 3: Another good movie, but more bottom-heavy than the others.  There is one giant action scene that runs about ten minutes or so at the end, which is a lot for a movie that's about 65 minutes long.  The problem: the series was hemmoraging actors.  They lost Helen Hunt with this one, as well as a couple other supporting players.  The film has a good actor playing the villain, which helps the film out a lot.  Still a weak entry in a series that was not getting better.

Trancers 4: The series went a new direction with this film, but not really a good one.  Basically, the film dumps more characters (including Jack's new sidekick who was supposed to be a recurring character) and changes the setting early on to that of a fantasy world called Orpheus.  As I said at the time, your like or dislike of the film will be based a lot on how many sword-and-sorcery films you have seen vs. how many bad sci-fi films you have seen.  By the way, this movie is written by longtime comic scribe and novelist Peter David...not that you can tell.

Trancers 5: This is the big finish now, so let's enjoy it.  Basically, Full Moon made two films back-to-back: Part 4 and 5.  The movie picks up where the last one ended- with Jack stranded in the dimension.  He goes off seeking some magical McGuffin and runs into the villain from before, who is back to life via a painting.  Don't expect this to make much sense.  They try to force a message of acceptance in here, which is out of place since every Trancer save for one has been evil.  Maybe he should distrust them, guys!  The film is padded to the brim too, stuffing about fifteen minutes of re-used footage in via flashbacks and recaps.

In fairness, there is a Trancers 6, but it was made about seven years after the last one and is an in-name-only sequel.  Basically, they re-used old footage of Tim Thomerson in 'the future' and have him jump into a female body.  For those who are really curious, I will cover it in the next installment of 'Great Moments in Stock Footage.'

I hope that this proves helpful for all of those who have not been following this page since the beginning.

Next on the agenda, a look back at a British/Canadian alien series that has almost nothing in common.  Want to know the 'how' and the 'why?'  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Spontaneous Combustion

I won't lie- James Rolfe should get some credit for this.  For those of you who don't know, Rolfe is the man behind The Angry Video Game Nerd, besides also being a video maker for Spike TV's website under the title of 'Cinemassacre.'  Every year, he does a month of reviews in October for Halloween.  This year, he tried to cover a gamut of horror films, from the obscure (Universal's The Black Cat) to the more famous (The Abominable Dr. Phibes).  During this, he covered a forgotten Tobe Hooper film called Spontaneous Combustion.  Months later, I busted out the big bucks (read: $1.92) to buy it online in a brand, spanking-new DVD.  What to expect though, you ask?  After all, this man has made ghost films (Poltergeist), backwoods murder films (TCM) and naked, space vampire films (Lifeforce).  Well, I won't lie to you: this movie is freaking weird.  It all has to do with some atomic bomb testing, a crazy adult and a wheelchair-bound man being burned alive.  This is...

Spontaneous Combustion

We begin in the 1950s and we are introduced to our two leads: a nice, young and very short couple.  Seriously, these guys are either 'Prince-sized' or everyone else in the cast plays for the Lakers!  Anyhow they are having some testing done on them by the military.  As it turns out, they were test subjects for a bunker that was supposed to protect you from an atomic bomb.  Don't they have monkeys for this?  They survive the test thanks to some serum and six inches of lead coated walls and become heroes to the military.  Plans are made to show the newsreel about them in 1,500 theaters, or, as they say it, 'the-A-ters.'  A hitch comes in the plan though: the couple is pregnant.  Talk is made about aborting the baby, since it was conceived around the time of the exposure, but that is put away.  Nine months later, a kid is born and has no visible faults from the exposure, save for a birthmark on his hand.  After a routine check-up, the woman is given a thermometer, but accidentally breaks it.  Some of it gets on her, as well as her husband.  This can't lead to anything...they're on fire.  Well, isn't that just great?!?  Afterward, a military man talks about how this is the cleanest kill he's ever seen.  Don't you just love foreshadowing?  One odd bit involves a man who they want to remain mysterious.  To that end, he is in the shadows in every scene, even in mostly-lit rooms.  It's not all that funny- just odd.

*

We jump ahead to the present...of 21 years ago and find that our little baby is now a weird-looking adult.  He is played by genre actor Brad Dourif, who I only know as the Sheriff from Rob Zombie's latest grime-fests.  Before you comment, I'm sure that he's done more.  He lives under a fake name, but has already had a long, dreary life.  Evidently, he was married and divorced, which is something that makes me feel like I'm watching Spontaneous Combustion: Part 2, although I could just be picky.  He is a teacher at a high school and is- get this- protesting the opening of a nuclear power plant.  Oh Tobe Hooper, you are the master of subtle irony!  Oh and today is his birthday.  His day does not start off great as he is ridiculed for trying to be an actor (more irony?) and he has a headache.  Actually, as he explains, he has a constant fever since he was born and headaches for nearly that long.  Yeah, most doctors would put you in the hospital after a week, but you get by for 34 years!  Throughout his day, he runs into people he does not like (his ex, the school's dumb doctor) and, later on, he hears about their deaths.  All of them, it seems, burned alive.  As one expert on 'spontaneous human combustion' explains, it happens an average of 100 times a year...or six times a day in this case.  I wonder if this has anything to do with the fire starting to suddenly shoot out of our hero...

*

The fire scenes are definitely the high-points of the movie, even if some of the digital stuff did not age well.  The majority of them still hold up though, due to the shocking and graphic nature of them.  No matter how silly it may look, fire shooting out of the gaping hole in someone's arm still gets your attention.  Fun fact: John Landis has a cameo as a radio tech who meets a fiery death for not allowing our hero to get his call through.  Things only get worse as our hero discovers that his friendly doctor wants him dead, the man's helper wants to inject him with stuff that looks like the Re-Animator formula and his girlfriend was set-up for him.  Geez, can't you take a blind, military set-up date?  In addition, he meets the woman from the flashbacks and learns that the serum was the only thing that was actually supposed to protect his parents from the radiation- nice.  He burns more people alive, including two cops who pull him over for being on fire in a phone booth.  We meet a security guard who apparently knows our hero, but he too is burned alive.  Note to self: don't shoot this guy or face a face full of fire.  He confronts the man who raised him, who turns out to be military brass.  The man gives his big speech about making him a weapon and mating him with the woman, who was exposed to testing in 1964.  Guess what happens to him.  The doctor tries to kill the woman, but she knocks him over a railing- viva la Space Mutiny- and burns him.  The ex-wife shows up, but is killed by the returning Brad, who saves the girlfriend from burning alive by...absorbing her fire and turning into glowing goo.  Okay...The End.

*

The movie is good, but definitely has some flaws.  For starters, a majority of the characters just come off as evil, even when you're not supposed to know it.  I think some more subtle acting would have fixed this problem.  Dourif, to his credit, is very good, even if most of his role involves yelling and screaming.  He's basically a big, angry baby in the latter half.  The story is unique, especially considering that I initially wrote it off as a Firestarter rip-off.  Some of the stuff in the flashback part could have been cut for time, as the movie takes a while to get going.  I say that, even though the build-up may be intentional, in order to make the first fiery death more dramatic.  Whether or not you agree is obviously up to you.  As I said earlier, a lot of the fire effects hold up due to the drama and gore involved.  Besides, what's not to love about seeing a famous film director burned to death?  To me, it felt like a cheat to not show some of the early deaths and merely imply them.  We're getting into Mitchell territory when you do that.  This falls under the same thing as the bit with the flashbacks, so you may not agree.  Honestly, despite being officially out-of-print, this one is pretty cheap to come by.  It's an Anchor Bay release, but without any extras.  You win some, you lose some.

*

Up next, an underrated horror series featuring a vastly-underrated genre actor- Julian Sands.  Witches, time-travel and farms- oh my!  Stay tuned...

Morality Lessons from 'Fable II': Safe Sex

We're back again with another bit of morality, courtesy of a group of wacky foreigners.  Today's lesson...

2. Wear Protection With Your Wife, But, Otherwise, Screw It

For those of you who have never played the game, 'Fable II' allows your character to have sex.  Don't worry- you see nothing.  You can do this with whomever you want, provided you have the right skill-set and fame to nail them.  Some of them will only do it if you marry them- a nice touch of realism.  Of course, like real life, there are also prostitutes.  Here's the thing though...

They give you the option of having it Protected Sex, if you have the right equipment *wink, wink*  Otherwise, you can always risk pregnancy or STDs.

The first time I did it was with my first wife- I wasn't famous enough for anonymous sex yet- and I did not have the *gear* required for safety.  She got knocked up.  When I did the deed my second wife- the one who was involved in the failed 'trifecta'- she too got pregnant.  The flipside is...

My character has had anonymous sex with women in every major town and never got an STD or gotten them pregnant.  Apparently, I just picked the fertile ones to marry.

To make matters more confusing, my most recent wife- don't ask- did not get pregnant from the other Unprotected moments, until after the time-gap from a mission.  That time- another baby.  Was her womb in time out?

Next up, a case of a person not understanding what their own name is and how it brands them.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Carnivorous

Something could be said for the idea of getting a celebrity on board a project in order to get it done.  Mind you- the first thing that comes to my mind is Sheitan, a crappy French horror film that only got green-lighting due to Vincent Cassel signing on board.  I'm sure that there are others, but they don't prove as applicable to today's film.  This little 'gem' is a low-budget horror film that rips off a bad horror film while trying to be a generic one.  How often do you see someone aim that low?  The big star that this movie is built around: rapper DMX.  That's right, the star of Cradle 2 The Grave and Never Die Alone is in this thing.  Mind you, he is not the star of this movie, no matter how the DVD credits want to trick you.  The producers want you to know just how involved Mr. DMX was involved, going as far as to give him both top-billing and above-the-title billing!  Who gets that in movies these days on the actual movie, not just the poster?  Before I begin, I should also address the title situation.  The one I used in my schedule is an alternate title which I chose to use because it just sounded better.  Now, on with my review of...

The film begins in the past with a young man in an abusive household.  His mother is pushed around by his drunk dad (possibly stepfather) and he merely listens.  A lady friend visits his window and he convinces her to join him on a little trip.  He goes down the road to his neighbor's house and breaks into his voodoo toolkit.  What?  You don't have one of those?  He steals a pen with a snake head on it and gets back in the house.  After his dad yells some more, he makes a drawing of a snake eating the guy, which causes something unseen to kill him.  We also see a young kid who should probably abandon all hope, as he will grow up to be DMX.  I'd quite while you're ahead!  We jump ahead to the present and find the man grown up into a paunchy, 40 year old man who is married to a relatively-cute woman.  They live a peaceful life on their own farm, which is the recipe for horrific tragedy in movies like this.  The movie constantly and intermittently pulls away from this idyllic scene to introduce us to our main characters- three idiots and one normal person.  A new guy enters the scene, a former nerd who is...a grown-up nerd.  I feel your pain, buddy!  For some vague reason, he is invited on a getaway with the group, despite going away for college.  Vacation- sign me up!

You can see the problems early on as the movie's editor is just trying to piss you off.  He spends about two minutes with the nice people and just jumps to the drunken idiots without warning.  Was this edited on a dare?  Our stories finally link up as the jerks take the two decent characters out on the road in a giant pick-up truck.  We get an oddly-long sequence of the trip, including a bit where the two idiotic guys scope out the slutty girl, while the good characters are in the back.  The movie also runs some strange scenes where the characters don't talk.  Um, action?  All of this leads up to the wife discovering the snake pen while digging up dirt to plant some flowers.  Afterward, she goes to check the mail while wearing her headphones the whole time.  You can see where this is going, can't you?  While checking out the blonde's ass-crack, our idiotic driver runs over the woman and kills her!  In the ensuing rage and grief, the man discovers the pen and makes an oddly-detailed drawing of a snake eating the truck and its passengers.  Oh my God, he made the cover to Snakes on a Train!  Meanwhile, our heroes figure none of this out and go to the cabin.  Guess what the two horny idiots are going to do.

The movie gets pretty conventional from this point on, for the most part.  The lead idiot- the boyfriend of our heroine- goes out by himself and gets killed by the monster, although we still see nothing.  The part of the drawing showing the guy turns red, which prompts our reluctant killer to finally figure it out.  He does his best to destroy the drawing, but it is somehow impervious to damage- even from a knife!  The horny couple re-enact Paris Hilton's pre-death scene from House of Wax, but the mood is ruined by a giant snake tail through her boyfriend's stomach.  By the way, it has a razor-sharp tail.  A bit away, DMX figures that the snake is back and calls in a favor.  A couple scenes later, a friend shows up...with a rocker launcher!  Who is your friend, Sledge Hammer?!?  Our heroes figure out that something is up and hide in the truck, but can't drive away since the keys are with the dead guy.  The younger brother shows up, having hidden in the truck apparently.  The good guys drive to safety, but run into the guy who made the drawing.  They eventually make peace- not before a bloody nose- and try to stop the beast.  They meet up with DMX, who tells that it is pointless.  Minutes later, he shows up with a bazooka to help out.  Huh?  Anyhow, the artist is decapitated, but the snake meets its end when the rapper blows its' head up with a rocket.  The End.

This movie was bad.  In case you did not figure it out, this movie is a rip-off of Pumpkinhead 2.  Why would you possibly rip-off a movie whose star power consists of Andrew Robinson (the villain from Dirty Harry and Trancers 3) and Roger Clinton (Bill's brother)?!?  They try to disguise this with the snake element, but we can all see through this, can't we?  The acting is terrible, the effects are minimal (it shows up only in the last twenty minutes) and the plot is ludicrous.  The movie tries to throw some morality into it, but this just feels odd.  The guy whose wife is killed by terrible people is killed by the monster he unleashed- how should I feel?  He tries to undo his actions, but many people might argue that he shouldn't!  It's not like they had no way to avoid the situation or anything!  You know what- a plot this dumb is not worth stepping into a moral quagmire.  It sucks- move on.

Up next, a rare film comes to you courtesy of Amazon.  All I can tell you is that it involves lots of fire and a star of a recent Rob Zombie film.  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Dark Justice

This is going to be a unique entry in my fairly-new update series: a four-part one.  You see, in the year 2000, those wacky Canadians made a mini-series called Robocop: Prime Directives.  Over in the states, this was released on DVD as four separate movies.  Wait- there's four of them and four segments.  I wonder...

This first part introduces us to the situation we are in.  10 years have gone by since the last movie and Detroit was enjoying a bit of peace.  Unfortunately, crime has made a big comeback, mostly in part to a man/machine known as Bone Machine.  Our hero is still about, although his technology has not been improved in quite a while.  This is due to the company that made him being a weapons manufacturer that prefers to have its own bought-out police force.  That can't be good, can it?

A lot of the film is built around setting up the intertwined relationships of the cast.  See if you can follow this...

*John Cable is the ex-partner of Alex Murphy (aka Robocop) and the ex-husband of...
*Sara Cable, a CEO at the company and new 'friend' of....
*Jason Murphy, the son of Alex Murphy and newest executive of the company.

What are the odds of any of this ever happening?  About 1,000,000 to one, but...whatever. 

The actual story is decent- although it is plagued by a litany of flashbacks setting up the Murphy/Cable relationship- and moves at a steady pace.  Given the budget, the thing is built around two big action sequences: one at the beginning and one at the end.  There is a minor mystery with the reveal of who Bone Machine is, but that is a secondary element to it all.  Ultimately, the whole thing ends with a major character being killed, but with a teaser of thing coming back as a second Robocop.  Color me curious.

Overall, a decent effort to bring a sci-fi action film to a syndicated television environment.  If you can get past the fact that our lead is clearly not Peter Weller in all of the flashbacks, you can have a good time.  Does it top the original two films?  No.  Does it top the last film?  By far.

Part 2 is coming down the pipe soon enough.  All I can tell you is this: Meltdown.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Godzilla 1985

* The original plan by New Universe Pictures was to re-edit the Japanese cut and make it a comedy a la What's Up, Tiger Lily?  Fortunately for us, Raymond Burr was against it and the plans were scrapped.

* The movie was re-edited and re-shot to a cost of about $3 million.  Considering that the original film's budget in Japan was about $6 million, that's a lot!

* While a hit in Japan (grossing about twice its budget), it was not a hit in America.  New Universe only made a couple million dollars on the whole thing, marketing aside.

* This is one of only three Godzilla films released theatrically in America.  The other two are Gojira in 1954 and Godzilla 2000 in 1999 (don't ask).  Yes, I'm not counting Roland Emmerich's movie!

Rare Flix: Godzilla 1985

I want to give a shout-out to Amazon for letting me get my hands on this movie.  I'll give a bit of history to all of you who are Godzilla fanboys like me.  After Terror of Mechagodzilla, the series was given a bit of a break.  The problem was that the series was going a bit overboard creatively and cranking out stuff like Godzilla vs. Gigan, arguably the worst mainstream film in the series (precluding Godzilla's Revenge).  About ten years later, we were given Godzilla Returns, ushering in the Heisei Era.  Twenty-six years later, all of the Godzilla films are collected on DVD- except for this one and Godzilla vs. Biollante.  What the hell?!?  There are 29 films, but two of them aren't released.  This has something to do with New World Pictures buying up the rights to the film for a U.S. release and to drastically edit the thing.  I'm a bit annoyed that my version is the edited American cut, but I did not have much of an option, unless I was to get a Region 3 DVD that would not work.  I'll get past it though, since it is so hard to get your hands on a copy and share it with you.  This is...

Godzilla 1985 (aka Godzilla 1984 aka Godzilla Returns)

The film begins with a ship being attacked at sea.  If this is not a sign of the series returning to its roots, nothing is!  In a surprise twist, we are not shown much of this attack, leaving a lot of it to our imagination.  One survivor is discovered and tells his story to a reporter.  Unfortunately for him, he is locked away by the Japanese government in order to keep the thing quiet.  They know that Godzilla is back after 30 (or 31 in America) years of hibernation and ready to smash.  This is a precursor to the Millenium Era, which was obsessed with rebooting the series to Gojira.  A young woman is our lead heroine and her brother happens to be the man locked up.  One government official feels bad and lets her see her brother.  After the story finally comes out, Japan relents and reveals the information to the world press.  We get a lot of old school action here, including military personnel talking about the monster and 'talking heads' discussing it in meetings.  You missed this, didn't you?  A mysterious man is summoned to the Pentagon to help out: Steve Martin.  No, not that guy.  I'm actually referring to Raymond Burr, reprising his role as the U.S. reporter who witnessed the original Godzilla attack in Gojira.  Of course, this is only in the U.S. cut, since he was not in the original Japanese version of either movie.  After all the build-up around him, he only manages to tell them vague and esoteric statements.  Thanks, Perry.

*

After longer than you might think, Godzilla makes his appearance and starts to smash things.  The pacing of the film is actually quite interesting as Godzilla shows up a bit late (about thirty minutes or so in), but never disappears after that.  Naturally, he starts to smash up Tokyo as the world tries to decide what to do.  Burr does tell them the conventional military weapons don't work.  Of course, Japan spends about ten minutes trying just that anyways.  The United States presses the use of nuclear weapons, despite Ironside's disapproval.  It takes a bit of talking and warning from other countries for them to relent.  Unfortunately, Russia does not get the memo.  In the meantime, Japan unleashes its new laser weapons and flying vehicle on Godzilla.  After a long battle, it manages to take him down.  Unfortunately, Russia launched a missile from space already.  In a rather silly twist, the sub that could halt the missile with their codes is disabled because it was docked in the Sea of Japan!  You know, maybe you could have picked a safer place to be, guys!  Anyhow, America launches a missile to stop it from blowing up Tokyo and succeeds.  Unfortunately, the bombs blow up in the atmosphere and causes nuclear lightning to strike Godzilla!  He is revived and smashes up more of the city.  Finally, he is stopped by another attack from the flying vehicle and sent into a volcano.  One weird monologue from Burr later and we have the credits.

*

This movie is good, but definitely not what many of you may be expecting.  The movie is solely about Godzilla smashing up a city and not fighting another monster.  This movie is supposed to be a spiritual successor to Gojira, making it one of only two films that features no second monster with Godzilla.  No, I'm not counting Roland Emmerich's film!  The movie is entertaining though and features some great city smashing.  Godzilla looks good, even if they still had not quite gotten the eyes to a realistic design just yet.  It is still miles beyond the 'cookie monster' Godzilla we had in the '70s.  The contrast between the Japanese footage and American footage is pretty notable too.  You can enjoy the film regardless of this, even if you aren't able to track down an obscure Region-Free DVD and pay extra money for a player that supports it.  Does it reinvent the wheel?  No.  Does it make the wheel look better than it did 30 years earlier?  Yes.

*

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings you a monster film built around rapper DMX.  You know what, that's all I need to say.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Histeria!

Everyone knows Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs and Pinky & the Brain, but where is the love for this show?  It was also made by Tom Ruegger, so what's the deal?!?  Mind you, he also made Freakazoid, which is also vastly under-appreciated too.

Apparently, the big problem with Warner Bros was the cost, as the show went over budget and only got 52 episodes made.  In spite of this, the show has a big following online, as the series has yet to get a DVD release!  Seriously, guys?!?  Here are some highlights...

* A song about Teddy Roosevelt's trust-busting ways set to a familiar tune.
* A comedy bit about why Rosa Parks really refused to sit at the back of the bus.
* A segment about the Wright Brothers.
* A historically-inaccurate, but funny song about William Howard Taft set to 'Shaft.'

In their most controversial moment, they made a cartoon about the Spanish Inquisition.  Not surprisingly, the Catholic League was against it.  Their replacement to air in America: a cartoon about Custer!  Fortunately, the other cartoon aired in Canada, so you can see it!

Up next, the most forgotten show I can ever cover in this segment.  Why is that?  Because it never actually aired!  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up: The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes

Do I even need to tell you that this is a bad movie?  Honestly, you already know.  What you may not know, however, is just how bad it is and just how obscenely-stupid it is.  If you have ever read a single Holmes story, you will be shocked and horrified at every turn.  Hell, if you are like me and know the character just based on films and stories told about the books, you will know just how bizarre this thing is.  On a certain level, it is impressive that something so absurd was created.  You just want to revel in the whole experience.  Then again, this is The Asylum, so they make even that hard!  For example, my disc came on Day 1 from Netflix (it came on 1/26 exactly) and skipped for a ten minute segment.  *Sigh*  This happened with my copy of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus a while back, proving that they make discs with the same care as they do films!  Let's get down to the elementary facts in my review of...

The film begins by introducing to its odd framing device.  Basically, it's 1944 and Dr. Watson is on his deathbed.  He shares one last journal (read: book) with...some lady.  If they don't bother to explain this, I won't either!  Our first bit in the present, which is the past....more so than the other past of 1944...is of a group of sailors on a boat.  No, I'm not going to do a Lonely Island joke- ever!  Why do we see them?  Two words: giant squid attack.  Before you can stop to think about that, we jump back to London, only to learn that everyone is cast wrong.  Holmes is a small man who is about a foot shorter than Watson, who does not really have the build for it.  To make matters worse, Holmes never wears his trademark hat or jacket.  Hell, he doesn't even wear the right color!  Way to base your whole movie on the trailer to a Guy Ritchie film, guys.  Our first bit with Holmes has him showing off by pulling Watson away from an autopsy- which was totally common in 1888- by explaining everything.  Of course, given this movie's quality, the whole thing is a cheat.  He explains the man's profession and death by examining body parts he could not see and, on top of that, he was on the other side of the room.  Way to use your bionic eyes, Holmes!  We are also treated a long, drawn-out scene of Watson climbing down a cliff to check out the boat wreckage.  It goes nowhere, so, for everyone, I say 'thank you for the padding.'  Things look up as a man propositions a woman in- you guessed it- White Chapel, only to be cock-blocked by...a dinosaur.  Of course, this looks like shit for two reasons.  One- the CG is done by The Asylum and two- this is a T-Rex, but done on the scale of a Raptor.  What the hell, guys?  Could you just not make up your minds?

  Monster hysteria grips London, despite there only being one witness to the dinosaur attack and no survivors of the squid attack, how is it news?  A random scene involves a man consulting Dr. Watson for more drugs to deal with his pain.  They tease a romantic subplot with Watson and the woman, but that goes nowhere.  Holmes and Watson go for a walk to discuss the recent events, only to come across a giant dinosaur footprint.  After this, they are startled by...the sound of a dinosaur and flee. That's right- they don't show it.  Hand-held footage of two idiots dressed like literary characters and running from nothing- check.  This ends in our heroes simply getting away without a real resolution, but discovering that a water pump has gone missing from a building.  Inspector Lestrade shows up and basically parrots what we already know.  Don't worry- his appearance in the film does have some pay-off eventually.  By some stretch of logic, Holmes and Watson investigate a man who appears to be a blacksmith.  We also get the requisite 'Holmes wears a disguise and fools Watson' bit.  Wow, you can read the stories too!  Unfortunately for the smith, the dinosaur shows up and kills him.  Never mind that Lestrade is about three rooms away, the floors are metal and the building is not that big.  Who was expecting logic at this point?  DVD glitch, take me away!

A ten minute segment was un-watchable on my disc leads me to suddenly see Holmes and Watson captured by a mysterious man in a metal suit and the woman.  As it turns out, the sick man from before was actually Sherlock Holmes' brother Mycroft, although he is called Thorpe here.  Why, exactly?  He is out of his wheelchair because he has found a way to wire his damaged neurons and synapses into...a metal suit of armor.  Yes, they combined their rip-off of a Robert Downey Jr. film with another Downey film- Iron Man!  But wait, it gets better!  Myc-thorpe has made a bunch of robots, including the squid and the dinosaur- all without anyone noticing.  The blacksmith was working with him, but got killed for trying to turn on him.  The woman is a robot, because...well, why not?  The reason for Thorpe-cro's illness- being shot by Lestrade during a bust.  That's right- he used to be a cop!  With his foes captured, he has a tied up Lestrade in the next robot- a giant, flying dragon- that he will use to destroy London and then blame Lestrade for it.  Yeah, that makes sense in so many ways!  As a bonus, his lady robot is wired to explode after walking over to Buckingham Palace- again, why not?!?  Holmes chases his evil brother is a machine-gun mounted flying machine that is kept in running condition and takes down his brother, while Watson stops the lady after she kills all four guards at Buckingham Palace.  After telling his tale, Watson instantly dies.  Can I join you now?

Yeah, this movie is really bad.  At times, it is dull and listless.  The dreary brown and light green of the fields does nothing to draw your focus.  At other times, it is oddly-dramatic and compelling, even if it is at the cost of logic.  A dinosaur is always eye-catching, even if it is in CG that internet critics can pull off!  This whole thing is pure bullshit though.  The Asylum has to always make a movie about stupid CG monsters- even if they don't show them- and 'mockbusters,' so that's a given.  The idea of using it with this license is just supremely-stupid though!  Even if you get past that...somehow, the actual bits with Holmes and Watson are just not that interesting.  All the interesting has been sucked out of Holmes (don't visualize that, please) and Watson is...even duller than Watson usually is.  The only funny Watson is from John Cleese's Holmes movie and that guy was an idiot with bionic ears!  Nothing about this movie is genuine, good or all that interesting.  If you want something mind-numbingly stupid to insult, this is good for you.  On the plus side, it was better than Monster.  Of course, watching Blood Freak whilst having my ears poked with a hot iron is better than watching Monster!

Next up, a really rare film has made its way to my doorstep.  I'll give you a hint: it's about a big green monster and was made in 1985.  Hint: the year is the clue.  Stay tuned...

Furry People: Critters 3- The Main Course

Well, we have reached the end point here.  After three movies, what else is there to tell about the critters?  Have they smashed up a farm?  Yes.  Have they rolled through town like a furry lawnmower?  Yes.  Have they 'invaded your space?'  Yes.  Well, my friends, the answer is simple: they're moving to the big city.  Yes, it appears that someone in Hollywood watched the film Delicatessen (both came out in 1991) and decided to make a similar film.  Mind you, one of them is the second sequel in a comedy/horror series, while the other is an abstract French film about a wacky apartment building.  Both films share a similar tone when it comes to the characters, however, which is the main point of comparison.  This movie is also the feature film debut of one Leondardo DiCaprio, the star of The Beach and The Quick and the Dead.  I think he was in some film about a boat or something too.  Considering that the fourth film featured Angela Basset a mere two years before her Oscar win proves that this series does not ruin the career of everyone involved in it, although it does for most.  Before it ruins mine, let's close out the series with...

The film begins with a single parent driving his two kids back home from vacation.  I'm already having Troll flashbacks, which is not a good sign!  After a flat tire, they pull over at a rest stop and the two kids wander off.  The young boy- who is played by twins- almost walks off into the woods when he is stopped by...Leonardo DiCaprio in the loudest shirt humanly possible.  By the way, everyone wears neon in this movie- get used to it.  About two minutes after telling the boy to not go down into the woods, Leo goes and the others follow.  All of a sudden, a man shoots out of the ground via a parachute.  I'm sorry, but A- you're ripping off the Killer Tomatoes movies and B- that's physically-impossible.  To further stretch logic, it turns out to Charlie (the farm hand) is lying out there, apparently looking for critters.  Hey, do you remember the end of Critters 2 where Charlie stays and becomes the Sheriff, finally bringing meaning to his life?  Well, screw that, apparently.  See you in the third act, screenwriter's brother!  The family comes back home to their big apartment building and meet all the wacky neighbors, including the nebbish older couple, the butch lady and the fat shut-in.  Thank you, cliches.

Unfortunately for our heroes, the titular monsters have shown up and make themselves at home.  This proves bad for the humans, who get attacked one-by-one.  We get a strange sub-plot involving Leo's dad trying to evict the people, only to get killed by them.   Yeah, it barely goes anywhere.  The quills show up again and help take out dad and the fat lady.  The action drags a bit as we have to deal with a sub-plot involving the girl not wanting to grow up so fast and their dad being away too much.  Blah blah, I don't care.  We get a mix of horror and comedy, although it tends to linger on comedy.  Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it also features many long scenes that don't know when to quit.  Yes, I needed to watch everyone climb up the ladder, movie!  On top of that, the film is convinced with showing you the monsters being wacky.  Five minutes of them smashing up a kitchen, eating dish-washing liquid and playing with stoves- why not?!?  Charlie shows up to help save the day with his alien weaponry- that stuff lasts- but fails to kill all of them before they get to the roof.  One last critter comes back and launches himself Sonic-style at the kid.  Charlie dives in the way and saves the kid, but manages to live.  He runs away just in time to avoid the advances of the fat lady though.  All's well that end's well...

But wait, there's more!  During the credits, Charlie wanders down to the attic and discovers a hatch of eggs in the dryer.  See- because it's warm!  He goes to destroy them, but the image of the alien bounty hunter displays itself via a piece from it's ship.  It has the face of the rock star that it had in the first part of Critters 2.  So much for the ending with him having Charlie's face, I guess.  Anyhow, Charlie is told that he can't kill the last two eggs and that the proper steps must be taken.  To be continued....right here.

This movie is not as bad as the first one, but definitely not as good as the second one.  Mind you, that is a relative comment and meant only in respect how fun it is.  This movie has some good ideas, but drags at points where it should shine and does not deliver on what it could have.  There is a strong set-up for hijinks involving the wacky people and the monsters, but it is all just so generic.  I just can't help but feel for what could have been done with this premise.  Oh wait, I know what could have been- Delicatessen!

Next up, I return to The Asylum for a film that just begs to be ridiculed.  I know that sounds like all of their movies, but trust me here.  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: Project Vampire

In an effort to restore a bit of order to this series, I am going to put these awesome box covers in their own section.  I'll probably split up the Foreign ones as well, but that remains to be seen.  For now, enjoy the crap...

How do you sell a movie with a generic and dry title like Project: Vampire?  Like this...

Wow, I want to see that movie.  

I'm sure that I won't be let-down at all!  

It's not like a scene resembling this never takes place in the movie.

Incidentally, if I turn out to be wrong, I am totally buying this movie!

See if I was right- https://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2016/05/rare-flix-project-vampire-1993.html

Up next, a movie that tells you nothing about the plot...except that it will be awesome!  Stay tuned...

Furry People: Critters/Critters 2: The Main Course

Well, since I'm late about this, we get A DOUBLE FEATURE!  I hope that you're happy, because I sure am.

The Critters movies are not forefront in people's minds, although they were quite successful in their own time.  Looking back, not so many people care.  In spite of that, I am going to close out this series.  It's been nearly a year in the making, but let's find out just how we got to being in outer space via Critters 4.  I will say that the films do maintain a minor bit of continuity, although they barely cling to it like a car sliding down a building wall.  The movies are all built around the eponymous monsters wreaking havoc, although their powers and looks vary from film to film.  They always smash things up and eat people though.  Let's not stall any longer and burrow into...

Critters

The film begins in space, which actually sort of fitting.  Not that I think that they planned it at that way, mind you.  A mysterious group of aliens escape from a prison asteroid and head towards planet Earth.  You guys ever feel like hitting up Jupiter instead?  We literally just cleaned up after Nukie!  A pair of alien bounty hunters with wads of gum for heads are sent to retrieve them as the film cuts to Grover's Bend.  A farm family is living just fine out there, although the younger son and daughter fight and the couple's slightly-unintelligent helper is a bit weird.  We learn that the daughter is bringing company to dinner that night in the form of...Billy Zane with hair?  Well, you have to start somewhere!  The dad also has a big bowling tournament that night, in addition to all of the hijinks in town and the sheriff (M. Emmet Walsh) trying to keep order.  You don't care about that, though- you want to see the creatures.  Unfortunately, you don't 'see' a lot of them, although they are around.  After killing the deputy (see- I told you I was innocent of that!), they make it to the farm and kill Zane during a make-out session in the barn.  That will teach you!  The family is trapped after the things wreck the truck and cut the power.  They also have quills that they can shoot out, although the producers forget that randomly throughout the series.

The good news is that the bounty hunters are here to save the day- and they're packing heat!  The reason for their gumball heads is because they can morph their faces, leading to some odd comedy that is a bit overdone here.  It works better in the sequel, at least.  They smash up a lot of the town before even getting to the farm!  The critters themselves prove to be quite formidable, constantly attacking our heroes and taking out the parents with their quills.  The monsters can also merge into larger, deadlier critters.  The problem: you never really see it.  For all its faults, The Deadly Spawn managed to give you a human-sized creature on screen several times.  Fun fact: this movie came three years after that one!  The cavalry finally arrives and begins to...blow up the house.  Is that your idea of helping?  They do manage to kill most of the critters, although they get in their spaceship for back-up.  If you are wondering how they operate the controls, don't.  In the battle, the whole damn house gets blown up!  The next morning, the good aliens hit a button on a remote that causes the house to rebuild itself.  The dumb helper goes along with the aliens, figuring that he can find direction in his life too.  This happy ending is ruined by some sequel bait involving a group of eggs in the barn though.  Hurray.

The second film begins with a bit of retconning.  You see, in the ensuing years after the incident, the family moved out of the farm and to another town.  This was due to the son's claims of 'critters,' which brought a lot of bad notoriety to the town.  Around this time, the son is coming to visit his grandmother...who was not mentioned in the first movie at all.  Retcons for all!  An opportunistic loser takes the eggs from the barn and paints them in time for Easter.  In a bit of lazy movie science, the eggs hatch quickly due to being put near a hot pipe, since the cold of the air kept them unborn.  Yeah, I buy that!  Our young hero does not endear himself very well in town, even getting beaten up by a bully.  Things look up when he meets a girl from his school- not in Critters- and gets a whole romantic subplot set up.  When a couple of dead bodies show up, they go to see the sheriff...who is now played by Barry Corbin.  Did you think that we would not notice that, guys?  Anyhow, he retired...or something and won't help.  Fortunately, the wacky farm-hand and the aliens are here to, you guessed it, blow things up.  We get the face transformation gag again, but the farm-hand pulls out a Playboy in time to stop the alien from taking his face again.  That's...odd, movie.

Unfortunately for our heroes, the townsfolk are really hesitant to believe in the creatures.  Even when the new Sheriff's body crashes through the church window, they doubt the authenticity.  They show up to blow the crap out of the diner run by Eddie Deezen (WHY?!?), giving us lots of explosions and gooey stuff.  The monsters flee, but are hiding out in the city.  One of the two bounty hunters is killed off-screen, causing the male-ish one to freak out and lose his face.  All of the survivors are holed up in the church, but, thankfully, help arrives in the form of the old Sheriff, who just sort of decides to fight again.  Our heroes come up with a plan: lure the critters to a building (one filled with meat) and blow it up.  This works, thanks to the random intervention of the face-shifting alien.  Apparently he can turn into a critter too.  That...will never come up again, don't worry.  Unfortunately, enough critters survive to make a giant critter ball and rampage through town!  Our good heroes try to stop the ball with their truck, but don't make a dent in it.  Quick shout-out to the one guy who gets run over/eaten, by the way.  The farm-hand gets in the bounty hunters' ship and crashes it into the ball, killing both!  In the morning, however, he inexplicably shows up alive and decides to stay as the new Sheriff, while the alien takes his face.  Make note of these facts for later.  The End.

There is a major contrast between these two movies and it is hard to deal with.  The first film treats this whole thing as a serious effort to make real horror.  The second film embraces all the craziness and is a much more fun movie, even if it is not any smarter.  I laugh a bit at the Chiodo Brothers wanting a credit for creating the Critters Effects when you see so little of them.  As far as the second film goes, that is not the case.  Honestly, the first one is worth a rental, but if you are going to actually want to re-watch any of the films in the series I've covered thus far, it is Critters 2.  It is the film that the first one should have been, re-casting or not.  Why does this always seem to happen?  It is the exact same thing with Ghoulies and Ghoulies II.  If you can't make the fun, effects-filled movie you want, don't make one!  I can appreciate you getting a bigger budget, but just skimp on the bad stuff altogether!

Up next, I tackle the final piece in the Critters puzzle.  Do I get my big finish?  I sure hope so.  Stay tuned...

Oh Crap, I Forgot: Pulse II

In the time between watching the film and actually reviewing it, one major omission slipped by me.  Allow me to correct it now...

As the father escapes the city with his daughter, they run across a man trying to kill himself.  It is...John Gulager- the director Feast 1-3- standing on an overpass in his underwear.  We see the black markings on his leg that indicate his being tainted by the spirit...not that I want to see any of his pale skin.  He leaps down and smashes into the front of the SUV before turning into black ash.

This scene comes out of nowhere and adds nothing.  Did we really need the fat guy in his underwear?

On second thought, maybe I was just blocking it out.  Good luck getting that picture out of your head, by the way.

A Challenge: Druids

Within my circle of friends, this movie has a dubious reputation.  It all started a few years ago when one of my friends- a big Christopher Lambert fan- expressed his dislike of the movie.  Well, that's not entirely true.  In reality, he explained that he tried to watch it, but fell asleep.  This *allegedly* happened three times, although I have no real confirmation on that.  Even after watching some dubious Lambert movies- i.e. The Sicilian and Day of Wrath- I had yet to fall asleep during one.  Then again, I made it all the way through Blood Freak and The Gardener, so maybe I just have 'bad movie stamina.'  Apparently, I got that in lieu of normal stamina- stupid choice, stupid choice!  So, about three weeks ago, I decided to challenge myself and watch this movie.  It can't be that bad, can it?  Find out in my review of...

Druids (aka Vercingetorix)

The film begins, oddly enough, with a long monologue set to shots of the solar system.  Um guys, where are you going with this?  This turns out to be nothing but an artsy set-up to our story, which involves a clan of Gauls (Frenchmen) rebelling against the ruling Romans.  A group of them set-up a secret meeting to discuss what to do.  One of them- Vercingetorix's father- proposes that the clans unite to fight back.  This ends the way you might expect: dad gets shot full of arrows and killed.  The son is saved by a Druid (Max Von Sydow), who keeps him hidden for years.  How many years, you ask?  Well, that is a little unclear, actually.  The guy goes from being about 10 or 12 years old to looking like Christopher Lambert.  The only age progression we get for Max is a stick-on beard.  By the way, get used to those.  The young...ish man wants to get revenge for his father's death, so the Druid takes him to be trained.  An older woman trains him by way of kicking his ass using sudden, dramatic cuts.  After a montage of this, our hero runs into, of all people, Julius Caesar riding down the country's one road.  He becomes friends with him on the ride, but that ends when he gets to the next town and kills his father's accuser.  Oddly, everyone is alright with that.

*

Vercingetorix becomes a powerful clan leader and, along with the others, joins forces with Caesar.  Unfortunately, their new boss wants to send them to fight the Vandals, which he figures will either end in their deaths or with victory for him- a win-win.  Our heroes go along with this, until one of them randomly refuses and- when confronted- talks to our hero about who really had his father killed.  Thus, based on no evidence whatsoever, he turns against Caesar and forms an army.    After this, his armies go about burning all of the major Gaul cities in the area, using the logic that Caesar can just rest his armies there and recover.  As the men starve, the strategy falls apart when Vercingetorix loses his resolve.  Things turn bad for a while, but our hero is rallied for a comeback when the Roman slaughters the same town that did not support Lambert's character.  In their first big battle, he has a major victory thanks to the few loyal clans in Caesar's army turning against him.  So slaughter does NOT pay off.  Things turn again when Caesar hires the Germanic Teutons to aid his army.  Ultimately, our hero's army surrounds Caesar's and can starve him out.  However, the men get desperate for battle and our hero appeases them.  After this, they all die, save for our hero who surrenders to spare his people.  Send me back to space, movie.  The End.

*

This movie is honestly not as bad as it is made out to be.  In a lot of ways, it is a dry re-telling of the events of 60 BC, which is why it loses a lot of people.  If you stay with it, you have a decent tales that desperately wants to be known as the French equivalent of Braveheart.  When viewed that way, it is a decent movie that should not be ridiculed so much.  That said, the wigs can be distracting, especially Lambert's.  I should also mention that the title is a bit misleading, since they stop using the word 'druid' about twenty-five minutes in.  They don't really even play a big part in the story, save for setting the initial conflict up.  The action is pretty solid, although it is missing in some key points during the latter half.  The whole thing is actually not bad- check it out if you like the historical slaughter stuff.

*

So, was that worth the wait?

*

Next up, an 80s classic of 'Gremlins-ploitation' (I'm calling this one!) gets reviewed.  On top of that, I get to complete the series.  Stay tuned...