*Fast* Reviews: The Fate of the Furious

See what I did there?  Huh?  Huh?  I don't care if you groaned, it was worth it!  Anyways...

We surely needed a almost-entirely-pointless Street Race set in Cuba.  

It is not like this Film is over 2 hours long as it is!

Our new Villain- retconned like a mofo into continuity!- takes control of Dom with something mysterious.  

I'd SPOIL it...but that would just get me started on a different rant entirely (which I just did on Facebook).

The Rock is put into Prison after Dom's turn, but immediately broken out one Scene later with Statham's Shaw, who they will turn into a good guy...even though he killed Han and tried to kill them all at least a dozen times.

This is all about Family alright!

The remainder of the team reunites, now with Shaw and a new bland, white guy (Scott Eastwood).  

Can they take down Dom, Furiosa and Tormund Giantsbane?

Can Dom escape the control of Cipher (the most cliché Hacker name ever)?

  

Can he use his Producer Credit to make sure that he never looks weak or ever not in control during the action?

Beyond anything, this one is all about ridiculous (mostly in the bad way for me) Action and the idea of turning the team into armed government agents.

Can the save the World from the most impossibly-fast Sub?  To find out, watch the Film.

Silly, stupid and sometimes fun.  

I don't want you to think that I'm some grumpy asshole who 'can't enjoy a fun Film.'  I like a lot of Films that aren't technically-great, but are fun for me.  I like The Guyver.  I like The Scorpion King.  I like The Protector.  

I'm by no means the 'Arty Film Lover'- that's why I make Bob do those.  This one is just so disconnected from reality most of the time that it is hard to connect to.  There's a line where credibility is just plain gone and this is a cartoon.

  

Is it where Ludacris supposedly took the time to spray paint a smiley face on a wrecking ball?  

Is it when Dom rams through a dozen metal beams without even slowing down?  

Is it when Dom outruns a missile in a Charger?  

Is it when Dom rips metal off of a(n old) car with ease?  

Is it when the God's Eye is taken and used against our Heroes for the 2nd straight Film? 

 Is it when all of the cars but one drive fine on the ice...but then the other one doesn't AND they chide him for not having snow tires (when they don't either)?!?  

Is it when Dom somehow hatches a plan involving four people while under constant observation and control?  

Is it when Hobbs has his mostly white Girls Soccer Team do a Samoan War Dance? 

Is it when Dom hits a truck with his car and it JUST SO HAPPENS to make him fire all of his missiles from the pod and THEY JUST SO HAPPEN to hit every other truck following them?!?  

Is it when they have a nice 'family' dinner with the guy who killed Han?

Wow, that was tiring!  In any event, the Movie is ridiculous- love it or leave it.  

Now let's just enjoy how far Vin Diesel keeps The Rock from him the whole Film and in this Publicity Photo...

Another bloated, ridiculous mess of a Film.  Is the spectacle worth the constant head smacking?  That's up to you to decide, I guess.