Monday, April 18, 2016

Rare Flix: Raptor (2001)

What are you- chicken?!?  In the case of today's creatures, the answer is kind of 'yes.'  Wait- haven't I used this lead-in before?  Let's start over...
Did you ever see a crappy film and think 'man, I wish they made more of that?!?'  Well, if so, Roger Corman is your best friend.  Wait...that's not right.  One more try...
The third time is...about the same as the second one.  It's fun to play with cliches right?  Okay...let me figure this out...
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Today's Film is Raptor, a 2001 Film that is a hodge-podge of a new Story and old Footage.  Not content with 3 Carnosaur Films, New Concorde made a 4th...and called it Raptor.  The Film actually is said to feature T-Rexes of various sizes (not a thing), but we'll let that slide.  Why not just make Carnosaur 4?  You made Angel 4- and that was after Part 3 being The Final Chapter!  Here's the reason for the re-used Intros now- pretty much all of the major F/X Shots are reused from the previous Carnosaur Films.  Roger Corman using F/X Shots over again- what a shock!  The actual Story is...pretty much what you expect.  Say it with me- Government Experiment gone awry creates dinosaurs and they get loose.  Can our Hero- Eric Roberts- stop the evil Corbin Bernsen?  To find out, read on...
In the Cold Open, some young Adults are killed by a creature with green POV.  When will they run out of colors for these POV shots?!?
The Police- led by Roberts- are on the call.  He also calls in an Animal Control person...who just happens to be an ex-girlfriend.  Naturally.

Oh and the Actors playing corpses can't hold their breath and/or stay still for 1 minute of a shot!
Thus begins the Stock Footage Train!

Right off the bat, we see the Poultry Truck from Carnosaur and later Black Deputy goes back to the Universal Lot to get killed by not-Raptors.  When will he learn?!?
Since there's not much to say about the Plot- Sheriff finds out what is going on, gets caught and the Military shows up- let's point out how sill the mixing of the Shots are.

Late in the Film, this Lady is attacked in the Elevator and turns into a completely-different woman!
Later still, Bernsen sees the Military Helicopter (the 2nd one, that is) arriving...much later than where he is. Damn Time Shifts!
He steals the generic yellow jumper from an Agent, but only so...he can be barely-matched to some footage of a guy in a yellow suit being killed in Carnosaur.  Naturally!
For the climax of crap, Roberts takes a vehicle (from Carnosaur) footage to kill the T-Rex.  In the 2nd bit, you can clearly see the make of the vehicle AND the original Actor.  Finally, the same vehicle- some sort of digger- is now a different, yellow vehicle to push the creature back into the base.

I guess if you're color blind and lack object permanence, this is a fluid sequence!
To wrap this all up, we are told that everything was covered up- in Narration!- and they cut to a new Lab where...they cloned Bernsen and the other Doctor?!?  Why?  Huh?  The End.
Damn lazy stuff.  The whole thing is just bizarre and ridiculous.  To reiterate, they made a new Film and awkwardly made it work with the F/X Shots they already had done.  Night turns to day.  Inside turns to outside.  The Facility alternates between being a Building, a bunker, the inside of a Ship and back around again!  Somehow the Facility is now next to a Quarry for one shot!  Helicopters seem to travel through time warps as from the inside it looks like daytime, but it looks like night-time from the outside.  In one bit, a Pilot is killed by a Raptor...who is clearly from a different location entirely!  Did that Raptor/Mini-T-Rex teleport there or did their Shots just not match?!?  You decide!  No wait- I do!  This Movie is all sorts of bollocks.  That said, it is pretty damn hilarious at times.  I don't think they meant to make a Comedy, but they did!  Speaking of not knowing what Genre you are, one Scene involving a girl (Roberts' Daughter in the Story) flat-out turns into Softcore Porn for a few minutes.  I expect a minute or two from this kind of thing, but the pair dry hump (with only her being naked) for a good 6-7 minutes and then go to leave...whereupon they are attacked.  Don't turn into Please Don't Eat My Mother on me without warning!  Let me leave you now with the most fake-looking effects in the Film...
Next up, I dive head-first into some random, blind Reviews.  I don't know what to expect, so how can you?  Stay tuned...

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