Friday, March 4, 2016

90s Trash: The Haunted Sea

Pretty bad stuff no matter when it was made.  Today's Film is The Haunted Sea, which is not to be confused by the Roger Corman Film of a similar name.  This 1997 Film has lingered around my Queue like a mole that you know is there, but just kind of ignore.  Well, I finally got it.  Right off the bat, there are are problems (that the Movie isn't at fault for).  First, Netflix says that this Film came out in 2004.  Second, they list it as being 89 minutes long.  Two wrongs- not good.  The best explanation I can think of is that the Film's Star- Krista Allen- was somewhat notable around this time and someone said 'Wait- we have a Movie with her in it and she's topless like all the time!'  She was dating George Clooney at this time, so why not?  As for the runtime, an 89 minute runtime is less embarrassing- mystery solved!  The Story is notable for sounding very similar to the Film Virus, but actually came out 2 years earlier.  That's not to exclude the Comic that said Film is based on, of course.  The Story is, however, a mish-mash of a number of Films ranging from Q: The Winged Serpent to Alien to Carnosaur.  It involves an abandoned ship, some weird creature on-board (eventually) and a connection to a dark part of History.  It isn't good, but that doesn't mean that I can't make it funny...
Within the first 4 minutes of the Film and before we even know her name, we see our Star- Allen- taking a Shower.  They did the same thing in Citizen Kane too, right?

To be fair, they did hire the lady from Emmanuelle in Space, so...
She's working on a Ship that is looking like it will come back without a haul.  You know, like Virus.

They also have a Captain played by a guy too good for the Film- in this case, James Brolin.  Their's does even less and manages to not even use nautical terms!
When they find an abandoned ship (that always ends well!), they go on board and discover some gold statues.  This leads to...
Flashbacks!  I mean that quite literally too as it also leads to Allen flashing us.  Ha ha- two things!
The treasure also leads to one of the men being possessed by some spirit from it.  Oh no- he's turning into Michael Jackson from the Thriller Video!
It also leads to more Flashbacks- sometimes without Allen- that appear to be from an old Film.  I'd be less suspicious if I didn't once see a Vikings Film with Kirk Douglas spliced into a Full Moon Film!

Seriously, this looks too good to have been shot by these same people.
After some stuff stolen from The Thing, we finally see the creature.  It is...tiny Carnosaur, but is apparently supposed to be Quetzalcoatl.  Yeah, right!
We have time for one more topless flashback, right?  Great!

As a side-note, I rarely need this much blurring- both in volume and in the size each time!
The Film ends in a bunch of fire and explosions.  The creature is killed and Allen they?!?  The End.
Bad monster!  It may seem hypocritical for me to harp on the Film's silly Monster given how much I harp on Practical Effects.  It may seem that way, but you'd be wrong.  No matter how the Effects are, I'll mock them if they suck.  Speaking of which, this Paint by Numbers Story.  It is bad.  It is uninspired.  It is...about what you expect, right?  When I start watching a Film and think 'This is just like Virus,' my expectations are lowered pretty fast.  The Film burns further bridges with me by using Quetzalcoatl as their monster, especially given how silly he looks.  What happened to him being a 'Winged Serpent?'  That 1940s Film that made him a lizard bird still gave him wings.  Hell, that Lost Tapes Episode about him/it gave it/him wings- even if it was just in silhouette.  Am I the only one that misses that stupid Show?  Yeah, probably.  In any event, this Film works as a dumb Monster Movie, but that's it.  Yes, Krista Allen has a certain appeal, but it isn't like this is the *only* thing she's been mostly-topless in.  Unless you want to laugh through the pain, skip this one.  Another thing to skip- waking up Mickey Rourke in the morning!
Next up, a more recent Film also dealing with the Ocean and a temptress.  In this case, it is a bunch of arty nonsense disguising how little Story there is.  Stay tuned...

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