Monday, July 13, 2015

Ponytail Pain: The Keeper (2009)

This Title really is just asking for me to make fun of it, right?  Today's Film is The Keeper, a 2009 Film Starring Mr. Steven Seagal.  At this point, you may be wondering why I bother. anyways, this Film was made at the tail end of when he started to be super lazy, but before he started to sort of try again.  They do a few things that you don't see in other Seagal Films, but otherwise stick to the familiar.  In this one, Seagal is actually NOT playing a Federal Agent or a Black Ops Operative.  Progress!  Don't worry- they ruin any good will they may get pretty quickly.  After something bad happens, he gets a new job working with an old friend in Texas.  I'll try to resist making an 'everything is bigger in Texas' joke, but it will be hard.  When danger arises, Seagal is there to...slowly walk to the scene.  Just to note: this is the first Seagal Film directed by his now-go-to Director Keoni Waxman (a man so important that he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page).  To find out if this Film is, well, a, you know the joke, read on...
In the opening Scene, Seagal and his Partner take out some Drug Dealers.  In Crime Film Cliche #235, he wants to keep their money, while Seagal doesn't.

Shockingly, he takes 2 in the Chest!  Not shockingly, he survives.
Later at the Hospital, he pretends to be comatose, steals a lady's gun from her purse (which she brought into a Hospital!) and kills his bad Partner when he comes to finish the job.

Yes, you are 99% better now!
In an unrelated (for now) Story, this Boxer is a bit amorous, but his lady stays with him.  She's even okay when he hides during an attack on the pair and leaves her to die!
After the force won't let Seagal return to the force (since a recently-wounded 58 year-old who is overweight should be allowed?), he takes a job from his old friend in Texas protecting his daughter (the one left to die earlier).

Can you tell he's in Texas yet?
While protecting her, he learns that the boyfriend is up to no good (besides being a sexist dick to begin with).
He does his best to protect her (and himself) by using his sort-of-intimidating Aikido.
Even so, she gets captured and ransomed by a bad guy (working with the boyfriend).  What will happen?
You're kidding- right?  You know how this goes by now.  One-sided beatdown (following shooting)...
...and Seagal saves the day.  That will show you, NYPD!  The End.
Pretty dull and average stuff by now.  The Film is nothing special.  There is one moment that sounded like someone dubbing Seagal's voice, but it is otherwise absent.  Other than cheating with Camera Angles, there isn't any major or obvious Doubling to be found.  There is plenty of young guys that get tossed around by Seagal (or his Double)- yawn.  Like with other aging Action Stars, Seagal has a Film with alot more shooting and posturing than actual Fighting.  He is a Producer (shocking!), so don't think that I'm projecting too much onto him unfairly.  The Film is really just kind of run-of-the-mill and uninspired.  It doesn't have the wacky physics of Belly of the Beast, the awkward Editing of Black Dawn, the ego-stroking of Submerged or the silliness of Into the Sun.  Hell, this would have even been better if they could have gotten 'Stone Cold' Steven Austin in here somewhere.  Oh well.  It does have one unique thing, but I'm not sure that you can handle it.

Are you sure?

Really sure?

Okay.  Don't say that I didn't warn you...
Next up, I get into some Movies I got from Brother.  I don't know what to expect from these, so neither do you.  Stay tuned...

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