Thursday, October 31, 2013

Lock Me Up (Holiday Edition)!: Halloween Night

When you're copying an arguably-bad copy of a good film, what chance do you have?  For this special day, I bring you Halloween Night- courtesy of The Asylum.  What a fitting film to watch on the exact same night.  You guess what inspired this 'original film' yet?  Yeah, it's Rob Zombie's (implied quotes there) Halloween.  Joy.  So can the knock-off of a shitty Remake be good?  Of course not.  This film came out in 2006, but it's so 'stock' and stupid that it could have been made in 1982.  In fact, it actually steals from movies that aren't even the ones that they're supposed to be!  On the plus side, they spend almost no time setting up their Michael Meyers stand-in, in contrast to Zombie's super-long First Act.  On the negative side, they spend almost no time setting up their Michael Meyers stand-in.  You can either have forty-five minutes of character set-up or five minutes- no middle ground!  The story involves an ugly killer, a party full of idiots and lots of low-budget murder.  If you ever wanted to watch a film and go 'I can do those effects better,' this is your film.  Is it a Trick or a Treat?  To find out, read on...
A kid sees his Mom killed by masked men.  They turn out to be working for his Dad, who hired them to kill her, but...didn't want them to kill her.  I'm confused, but don't look to the movie for answers really.
The kid- who was somehow not visible- runs about three feet and a steam pipe bursts...somehow and burns him.  Well, that couldn't be too...
Really, movie?  That little bit of steam burned him THAT bad.  Was his skin made out of Vellum?

This overly-burned fellow is taunted by his Guards at the Asylum (get it?!?) and kills them.  This scene takes a total of 90 seconds roughly, so it has zero impact.  Build-up is for losers!
In the main plot, a bunch of annoying people are setting up for a big Halloween Party.  The group includes Jerk Guy, Lead Guy, Lesbian Couple, Final Girl and Couple That Is Going To Die.

Oh and the killer is now on the loose.  He apparently escaped from the Asylum- which I'm pretty sure is a Government building in Los Angeles- off-camera.  Big shock.
In a bit they stole from Halloween 4, the killer shows up at a Gas Station.  Instead of an explosion, this ends with a douche bag guy getting killed and is costume being used as a disguise.

'Michael Meyers' tricking a lady disguised as her boyfriend in a costume- that was in Halloween 5.  However, that film did it for ONE scene.  This film makes it last for the next 70 minutes!
Basically, the guy kills party goers between random sub-plots (like the lesbian couple being...well, lesbians).  Since that's boring as hell, let me highlight something I found weird.

On the left, the Wood Fear Statue from The Fear: Halloween Night.  On the right, this guy in a Troll outfit from Halloween Night.  Eerie, right?
Our Lead Guy sets up an elaborate scenario with a fake fight, fake Policeman showing up and even fake escape in order to fool everyone.  Why?  It's all good for a laugh.

Seriously, it's kind of an asshole and it only leads to more deaths.
Something was bothering me while watching the movie.  I couldn't figure it out until I started writing this review.  Here's what I'm seeing...
Anyhow, this all leads to more deaths, the killer finding his mother's body and being killed.  Or is he?

Taking a page (read: the Ending) from Boogeyman 2, the guy somehow switched the bodies and just kind of leaves.  I'm sure the massively-scarred giant will blend in.  The End.
This is no treat.  Big shock: The Asylum made a crappy film.  Is this film worse than Rob Zombie's Halloween?  It's hard to say, since I don't like either of them.  For what it's worth, Zombie's film at least had a point: explain the background of Michael Meyers.  I don't give a shit about that, but whatever.  This film is just a bunch of murders and lesbian scenes.  That will work for some people, but not me.  This is just crap.  Even the gore is not that great, to be honest.  The stuff that happens on-screen is amateurish at best.  A guy gets stabbed, for example, but it's in super-tight close-up.  When they cut, the knife is suddenly sticking out the side of the face.  Take away the stage blood and it looks like the old 'Arrow through the Head' bit.  As for the 'Meyers' character, he looks like 'Zombie Dad' from Amityville 8.  While that guy was the best part of that movie, that movie was made in the late 1980s.  This film was made in 2006, so this is just sad.  Hell, even the worst of the Redneck Make-Up work in Wrong Turn looks better than this.  So, in summary, it's a crappy Halloween knock-off of a Halloween Remake.  Need I say any more?  No.
Next up, the actual review I meant to do earlier.  The Dead are Walking and hopefully you're entertained.  Stay tuned...

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