Project Terrible 7: Bear (2010)

You really want to hurt me, don't you?  Today's film is Bear, my final Project Terrible film in this Round.  Now I watch a lot of stupid movies on this site- obviously.  There is one kind that really does nothing for me, no matter how many times I see it.  The film: the Trapped By a Monster/Situation, So Let's Bicker sub-genre.  I may be the only one to call it that, but you all know what I'm talking about.  Obviously, my hatred of this sub-genre really stems from Black Water and Open Water 2: Adrift.  For the record, I haven't seen Open Water, so I don't know whether I hate that one or not.  What's Bear about?  It's about people trapped in/around their van after a bear attack.  What do they do?  Bicker...constantly.  Joy.  Let's just get through this crap and move on with our lives, shall we?

The story involves our heroes going to their parents' 30th Wedding Anniversary Party.  The younger brother takes them on a shortcut, only for the tire to blow out.

Jackass brother shoots a baby bear that goes near them in the clearing.  When they hear another noise, our hapless heroes just kind of stand around until Papa Bear attacks.  Don't leave or anything!

They get stuck when their Van gets flipped over.  By the way, I'm no expert...but could a Bear really do that?  Would it even know to do that?

They don't flip over Garbage Cans- they tear them open.  Oh right- that would end the movie early.

Let's take a break from watching the idiots trapped in their Van and see them trapped in...a storm drain.  That's just perfect.

Here's where the film goes over the deep end.  The dickhead brother runs to the Steakhouse they were heading to before, but....

...he gets dragged back to the Van and let inside.  It's here that our hero 'figures out' what is going on.  I'm only using a bit of hyperbole here, so bear that in mind.

That's right- the bear is a magical spirit- while also a bear- and is punishing them for their personal sins.  This movie has done the impossible- it's jumped the bear!!!

The creature kills the two remaining men (having already killed the other girl long ago), but lets the main girlfriend go, since I guess she learned her lesson.  The End.

Screw you and the stupid bear you rode in on!  This movie starts out boring, gets annoying and manages to get really, really stupid.  I was ready to give up on this movie by the thirty minute mark and just say that nothing happens.  Thanks to some extra patience (it's gone now), I skipped ahead a bit and saw what happened next.  Could I have guessed that the bear was going to be revealed as Ghost Rider?  Hell no!  Did you know this, Thomas?  If so, you are an evil bastard!  The whole thing with the 'Bear of Judgement' thing is that it's incredibly-stupid!  The movie never does anything to confirm the statement, by the way, but it is apparently true.  It's kind of like the guy's crazy theory in X: The Unknown that is apparently true, since nobody rebuffs it.  The big problem here is that the characters are annoying and I want them to die.  This sucks all the emotional weight out of the film, making me really, really not care if they live or die.  Furthermore, it does nothing but remind me of other bad films I've seen, whether it's Black Water, Burning Bright or Orca, the film in which the Whale goes for revenge, uses glaciers as weapons and takes out the power plant in a coastal town.  I still hate that movie and you are *not* helping your film with this 'Bear is there to judge you' plot.  By the way, what was the point of the baby Bear being killed if the Bear had a plan of revenge BEFOREHAND?!?  On the plus side, re-reading my review of Orca makes me remember that I still hate it slightly-more.  You win this round, but lose Round 7 of Project Terrible.  Only one thing could possibly make me like this movie...

Next up, a trio of dark, depressing films about time-travel.  First up, the original wrist-slasher/vehicle for a That '70s Show star.  Stay tuned...

Adrian Paul Week: Highlander- The Source

**Sorry about the lack of updates and slow work last week.  I'll work on that for this week.  Sorry, Alien Tracker and Nemesis Game**

Who wants to live forever...if you have to watch this crap.  Today's movie is Highlander: The Source.  Here's what you need to know (even if you know nothing about Highlander): there are Immortals.  They fight day in and day out to win 'The Prize.'  It's either Death, Mortality or the ability to have children (depending on the show/film).  After one good movie, they made a crap sequel that called the Immortals 'aliens' and was quickly hated.  Another sequel followed, with slightly-better results.  Around this time, they made a TV show of it, which introduced most people to Adrian Paul for the first time.  This was followed by Highlander: Endgame, an attempt to merge the show and movie universes together (unless you count pointless Connor McLeod appearances in the show), which resulted in more rule-breaking, silly plot twists and audience disdain.  For some freaking reason, they decided to come back to the show/movie universe one more time to 'wrap things up, while opening up new stories' (as they say in the Making Of Featurette).  Why not stop when you're already so far behind?!?  The plot jumps way ahead of Endgame and the show, immediately starting to alienate the fan-base.  They proceed to shit all over the Mythos (as opposed to the Methos) and slowly strip away everything that the fans loved.  To make things better, they barely explain the back-story and plot, leaving people that didn't watch the show (i.e. me) pretty in the dark.  The plot involves the search for the titular Source, which they think will...actually, they never really ask what it does.  Plot says go there, so, well, go there!  A new villain is here named The Guardian who, well, I'll get to him later.  To find out how horribly this goes awry (even by Highlander film standards), read on...

In classic 'bad movie fashion,' the DVD Menu tells you to *not watch* the movie.  Seriously, if you love the show/films, that image alone will make you want to eject the Disc!!!

In the near future of 'We Didn't Pick A Time,' the World is in shit.  It's so bad (in Bulgaria) that Duncan McLeod stalks the streets like Batman!

The Guardian- that blurry thing on the right- is who guards The Source.  He's a big, old pile of fail.  Silly look- white skin and armor-, silly motivations- leaving The Source to...um, guard it- and he has a silly, super-speed power.

Yes, kill the fighting...in a f@$%ing Highlander movie!

The Guardian is just an awful and silly character.  In the film's only Quickening scene, he shouts out 'The Quickening.'  Ugh.  In another scene, he yells out 'Hello, Joe'...while flying about 20 feet after being hit by Joe's truck.  Double ugh.

Our heroes go to this random Monastery and meet the fat Vampire from Blade...I mean, an original character who tells them where 'The Source' is.

He also explains that they will lose their Immortality as they approach The Source.  Wait- what?!?

In an amazingly-unsubtle moment, The Source finally decides to just rip away any recognizable aspects of the Mythos in one smooth move.  The Guardian breaks Duncan's iconic sword in half and stabs Joe Dawson- a longtime Supporting Character- with it, killing him.  Joy.

The movie makes sure to throw in a random fight scene with some 'cannibals.'  I'm sorry, but why does this happen?  Quota, you say?

Skipping some random crap, Duncan goes to The Source as the planets align (don't ask).  His lady friend is there, because...um, symbolism, I guess.

Duncan beats The Guardian using his own cheesy, super-speed powers.  Instead of killing him, he chooses peace...which kills The Guardian.  Odd moral there.

In The End, he is given The Prize, which is the ability to have children.  Thus, the Highlander franchise ends (since this movie bombed) with the Space Baby from 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Joy.

Just cut my head off now, please!  The plot of this movie is stupid.  To begin with, it's just stupid.  They have to find the Immortal 'Holy Grail' in order to become mortals and gain fertility?  Congratulations, you're fighting an uphill battle to become a Quiver Full Member!  Second, this movie insults and tears apart every aspect of the Mythos.  Characters are either killed (Joe) or completely-wasted (Methos).  The story is designed to make everything you know before into a big lie.  Seriously, the point is that The Game is all a lie, or at least represented as something that it's not.  Methos and Duncan say this outright, so f#$! you, people that liked the previous films, show and other forms of media!  This was apparently designed to set up a whole bunch of new story-lines for films...but those never took place.  The series, instead, ends with the people behind Highlander: The Source telling you to go screw yourself.  Oh joy.  Here's a big problem: this movie doesn't explain any of the major characters/events all that well.  Who is Joe?  Who are The Watchers?  Who is Methos?  What is The Prize?  If you don't know, tough shit!  I'm here as a neophyte, but know people who have watched the show a lot, allowing me some context.  If you didn't, you'll struggle even more to care about this Duncan guy and wonder who the hell the Watchers are!  In summary, it's a shit movie that alienates the audience coming into it and makes sure that no new viewers can make sense of it.  Good riddance, even if you did randomly flash the audience...

Next up, I wrap up July with a Project Terrible film.  I hope you like bickering and bears.  Stay tuned...

Adrian Paul Week: Eyeborgs

Are you paranoid if an army of robot cameras is out to get you.  Today's film is Eyeborgs, a Syfy Channel movie about a dark American future.  Well, it's a little dark, but it's mostly silly.  In this World, America is monitored by ODIN, a system that links all the Security/Traffic Cameras around into one system.  Yeah, that's plausible.  On top of that, the U.S. Government has dispatched a series of the titular Eyeborgs around, ranging from little Webcam-looking ones to big, Gorilla-looking ones.  I get the former, but what's up with the latter?  As a bonus, there are all sorts of silly rules in effect like a full ban on Smoking and Drinking.  Yeah, we tried that before...but it didn't work.  Adrian Paul is here as a Government Agent with a sad back-story who must unravel the mystery and try to save the day.  If you can get past the silly, this could be decent.  To find out, read on...

The film begins with this 'funny' intro.  It's just an exposition dump to tell you that cameras are all controlled by ODIN and that Eyeborgs exist.

Given that this isn't a 'Found Footage Movie' (Thank God!), this intro seems super-silly!

The Eyeborgs are usually these cute little robot things that film you and see where you are going.  Their job is to keep track of potential terrorists and stop their attacks.  Seems harmless enough to me...

 ...but these little Webcam-looking guys are armed with random weapons like tiny saws, tazers and torches & have an ulterior motive.  When this Dane Cook-looking guy asks too many questions, they set him up to die.

Adrian Paul and his constantly-bewildered face can't figure out what's going on, as the video footage sent by ODIN doesn't match what we- the audience- sees.  It's actually just awkward writing.

Holy crap- Machete!  Danny Trejo is here as 'G-Man,' a Guitar Repairman/Resistance Group Member.  He has two scenes and then gets killed, but makes sure to put a MacGuffin in a Guitar for later.  When the plot all comes together, this will make zero sense.

Can Paul get over his past issues and save the day?  Could this Editing be any less subtle?

The Eyeborgs begin to kill anyone off who can prove that they are up to no good.  In a silly Screenwriting cliche, they cover up their crimes in, well, silly ways.

Cutting a lady's wrist with a razor- believable.  A robot doing it- you'd be missing an arm.  Then there's the scene where the Eyeborgs apparently bought booze and stashed it in the News Van...

The Eyeborgs make their big strike when our heroes discover that the President is actually a Hologram.  I'd be pissed too if people found that out!

The Newscaster saves the day by suicide-bombing herself, leading to some blatant 9/11 imagery.  Thanks- that never gets old!

The conspiracy is still intact, but people are questioning things.  Sequel-bait- ha!  The End.

I always feel like robots are watching me & I can't get no privacy!  The plot of this movie is not terrible, but it does get silly.  Consider what it tells us.  Robots are put in charge of surveillance after Not 9/11 and grow autonomous.  To that end, they capture, scan and kill a Presidential candidate.  They proceed to rig the computerized-voting system (to which they aren't attached) to get 'him' elected President.  Years go by (the film takes place as he's running for re-election) & nobody figures this out because of the super-tight security separating 'him' for 'safety.'  Does that seem remotely-plausible to you?  Even considering sci-fi bullshit like 3-D Scanning used to seamlessly-insert people into video, this plot is full of holes.  The way that the Eyeborgs cover up their kills is silly too (as noted before).  The robots have random attachments to make this work, including straws, tazers and little buzzsaws.  I should also note that the robots are apparently running the factories that make, well, themselves and constantly invading countries to 'spread their kind' around.  Yeah, nothing about that is silly.  Here's one for you: they kill Danny Trejo with a giant drill through the forehead- how did they disguise that one?  If you can get past the super-silly moments, it's honestly not that bad.  Adrian Paul and his emoting almost makes it seem sincere, which is actually pretty impressive.  Not so impressive is this really-dated hairstyle that one of our leads has...

Next up, unravel the mystery of these puzzles.  Plus, why does Adrian Paul have frosted hair?  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible 7: Demon Seduction

Terrible, terrible, terrible.  Is this word over-used in reviews of movies?  Maybe.  When someone questions minor plot issues in The Dark Knight Rises & says that the movie is suddenly 'terrible' for it, I would agree.  When someone talks about a movie about Alien ladies (not in costume) having random sex scenes loosely-tying a sci-fi plot together, I would not!  Today's movie is called Demon Sex.  Here's the thing: it's about Aliens.  Soak that one in, folks.  I haven't seen misleading title work so bad since...well, a couple Project Terrible rounds back.  Yes, I'm still mad about Mummy Maniac!  Here's the oddly-good thing about the movie: there's not much I can actually review here.  Skipping past the pointless stripping and sex scenes, there's about 20 minutes worth of 'material' here.  It's like a Half Day at School all over again!  The 'plot' involves DNA splicing, random sex and a cult full of ladies.  This should be 'fun.'  To see how bad what little of the film I can actually review is, read on...

The film opens with four minutes of dull exposition about gray aliens, reptilian men and their war.  They can't afford to show any of it, so enjoy these random sketches placed in front of some drapes.

The plot: this fat guy is working for some other guy (who is working for a lady from Mark of the Astro-Zombies) to clone alien DNA from a skull that they found.  Computers can just do that, apparently.

I hope you like stripping because a good ten minutes of this stops the 'plot' cold.  We're six minutes in, so why not?!?

A cult full of ladies is apparently behind this, as illustrated by two scenes of the most famous actress *in this movie* sitting in a bath with the fat guy's boss...not that the two ever meet.

The cult's efforts are mostly them torturing this one guy- after his two sex scenes- and pouring fake blood on our heroine.  I call her 'our heroine,' even though she does jack shit here.

Not to be content with just being pointless, Demon Sex tries to be extra silly by filming a screen *showing* some pole-dancing...and later showing the actual footage properly.  That's...clever?

In a major anti-climax (pun intended), all of the men are killed with zero effort.  This one guy even tosses his own head off after being hit by a Scythe.

Science Fact: the human head contains a flashlight that makes it easier to see at night, but only when it's cut off.

On top of that, the alien baby is born and the Earth is doomed...I guess.  Oh and 'our heroine' randomly dies in the shower with the baby because...um, blood.  The End.

You're Terrible...but also easy to fast-forward through.  Can I ask a real obvious question- is this supposed to be Porn?  I mean, if it is, I'm not sure that I get it.  Would someone seeking Porn go 'Yea- four minutes of stupid exposition about alien races!' or would they just go 'Where are the boobs?!?'  Ignoring that, the horror elements are pretty major at times.  Are there people that need pointless sex scenes and horribly-fake gore to get off?  If so, please don't tell me!  Skipping past that horrible 'revelation' quickly, this movie is just awful.  Even if you like the Porn aspects, they stop the story cold.  If you like the porn aspects, the constant spraying of fake blood that makes Evil Dead 2 look like The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in terms of budget must be distracting!  There's barely any story here and really goes nowhere.  One sub-plot involves the fat scientist bringing his Strip Club-owning friend in on a 'business venture' to sell the DNA formula.  Where does it go?  What does it achieve?  It just gives us another gore scene (and the 'head light' scene above).  Dig the improvised (read: redundant) dialogue in the scene too!  If you want to see a dull film about Aliens (Demons) that is full of random stripping, I recommend...that you seek help.  What's wrong with you?!?  Enjoy this dead dummy and consider what's wrong with you...freak.  :-)

Next up, Adrian Paul is in my cross-hairs for his slew of crappy movies.  First up, a film that's Transformers meets Eagle Eye.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible 7: Dracula's Widow

Are you ready for something that really sucks? This Project Terrible film is an '80s Horror film from Christopher Coppola. Not everyone can be Francis Ford...even Francis Ford these days. It's also important not to confuse him with Chris Coppola aka 'Emilio' from Far Cry. This Coppola is Nicolas Cage/Coppola's brother. Fans of Internet Memes will be more familiar with him for a movie called Deadfall, in which Nic does coke and says 'Hi-f#$%en-ya!' while hitting a random guy in a bar. Good times...even if Nic is gone within 25 minutes of the film. With that kind of caliber behind it, what is this film about? As the title implies, Dracula's wife is shipped to America, only to discover that she is a Widow. Wanting to go back to Romania, she decides to turn one guy and just kind of hang around for a while. No hurry, huh? With random humor, gore and drama, this movie is certainly interesting. It even superimposes a Detective from a Sam Spade-style story into the movie for no good reason. To see this bloody mess of a film, read on...

For a Wax Museum (still current, movie!), a bunch of stuff from Dracula's Castle in Romania is shipped to California.  What's in the box?  Is it something red?

The titular Widow wakes up and wanders about the city.  Isabella Rosellini here sure blends in, huh?

Since her husband had a Renfield, she turns the Museum Owner.  He's so transformed that he even stops short of killing her when he has the chance.

You couldn't have saved me 65 minutes, huh?  Jerk.

For no clear reason, the Detective character is pulled out of a cheap, Dime Store Detective Novel.  It's...odd, that's all.  No really bad- just odd.

As the change comes over him, our hero must fight the urge to feed on his girlfriend.  He even buys her a cross in a nice little nod.  Shit all comes from this plot point, but it's nice that it came up initially.

A good chunk of the movie involves the titular monster killing people.  She kills some gangster-wannabe, some thieves and even a random, Satanic cult led by 'Wesley Snipes.'  The latter is the oddest as it slaps in some Nudity and Gore, but otherwise serves no point.

A Van Helsing- here as a silly old man- shows up and reveals the truth about Vampires to the Detective.  Rather than stop the 80-year old man from stabbing 'a corpse,' he just kind of stands there against the wall.

Why so yellow?

With nobody else believing in Vampires, our 'hero' is arrested for the murders, since he was at...well, one of them.  Let's ignore the fact that his prints are NOT on any of the bodies, shall we?

The titular Widow decides to kill our 'hero' now since...um, he didn't take her to Romania those times that she didn't ask him too.

Regardless, this gives our only real make-up work of note and optical effects (yes, it's one of THOSE movies), so I'll take it.  Our hero finally lets me remove the quotes by killing the Vampire, thus turning himself to human and turning her into a melting mask.  The End.

It ain't easy being Dracula...'s Widow.  The plot of this movie is not bad, but not all that great either.  The villain's motivation is to get home.  Great- do it then!  She doesn't.  Instead, she lingers about Los Angeles and kills people for a bit.  Even after the guy has been framed for all of the murders, she hangs around- instead choosing revenge over, you know, her f#$%ing plan!  Aside from that, the movie is alright.  The acting is decent at times, the production values are alright and I had a pretty good time with it.  The tone was a bit confusing, mixing humor in at random alongside the Horror and Melodrama.  Pick one!  On the plus side, I did learn a valuable lesson: if I'm going to look for a Vampire, I'll look for the big, glowing building...

Next up, a fourth dose of Terrible.  When a film makes me yearn for the 'complexity' of The Witch's Sabbath, you know that it's bad!  Stay tuned...