Saturday, March 10, 2012

Kevin Sorbo Week: Flesh Wounds (2011)

It's freaking Predator!  It stars Kevin Sorbo, Bokeem Woodbine and Heather Marie Marsden- from Lethal- and it's Predator.  To be fair, it could also be ripping off Robowar...which was ripping off Predator.  Need to know more?  Well, to see how badly you can do Predator, read on...
A group of scientists and soldiers are out in a lake.  They are attacked by Noob Saibot...I mean, the Predator.
Kevin Sorbo is on hand to...well, be on hand.  If you like lack of trying, you're in luck!
Sorbo and his men go out into the Jungle on a secret operation.  This jungle, by the way, is mere feet from a highway.  Nice location scouting, guys!
Our heroes proceed to shoot the crap out of some other guys, most of whom wear bandannas so that they can recycle actors.  I think your brain is leaking, guy!
Sure, this movie has soldiers in 'the jungle' and they're shooting, but that doesn't make it Predator, right?  Well, take a look here...
Are you ready for some real disappointment?  Here's a side-by-side comparison of the monster on the poster/box-art and the one actually in the film...
In spite of the overwhelming odds, our heroes continue to fight!  It helps that they're just standing in front of a Green Screen too.
All of a sudden, the movie realizes that it's got about ten minutes left and just starts killing everyone off.  Here's my favorite one...
In an amazingly-bad anti-climax, Sorbo finds the shack- yes, shack- where the cyborg/predator/thing has been hiding.  He takes it out with some C-4...which blows up in two separate blasts.  That's...pretty much it.  The End.
Even Reb Brown would be ashamed of you.  Do you like Predator?  Do you wish that it was made for a budget of less than a million dollars (if I'm wrong, I'll be shocked!)?  Do you wish that nobody in it seemed to care?  Do you wish that nobody in it was all that good?  Do you wish that the Predator was actually a reject from Cyborg Cop II?  Do you want to see Kevin Sorbo's paid vacation to New Orleans?  Do you want to see Marsden actually do a slightly-capable job?  Do you want to see Bokeem Woodbine be the best actor in a film?  Do you want to see a movie so bad that you can't help but laugh?  If you answered 'yes' to any of the 800 questions, you will like this movie.  Not for any good reason, but for all of the bad ones.  I know, Heather, I'm surprised too...
Up next, I switch focus to Danny Trejo aka Machete.  First up, it's The Ring...with Danny Trejo, Ja Rule and Michael Pare.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Why don't you go piss on some other bad actor's movie and leave Kevin Sorbo a lone,and I got news for you idiots on this website, Kevin Sorbo way only good actor in this low-buget movie.

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