Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Lorenzo Lamas Week: Raptor Island

At last, the Lamas film that I've been dying to see!  Raptor Island has a very dubious reputations among certain people on the Internet.  Some film critics I've read- like those at The Smithee Awards- have gotten a lot of material out of this crap-fest.  Who am I to not partake as well?  The film is a cut-and-paste job as far as Syfy Channel films go.  "A group of ______ go to an _______, but find that it is infested with giant _____."  If the film is so generic, why cover it then?  Well, there are a number of reasons.  First off, Lamas fights Dinosaurs- need I say more?  Second, the Special Effects.  They're...well, you can guess.  I should also mention that the Director- Stanley Isaacs- only has this film to his name, although he did write other films- including Megalodon.  Quite a pedigree, huh?  To find out just why this movie is hilarious, read on...
Lamas is the leader of a Navy S.E.A.L. Team that has to take down some gun-runners.  This plot-point is pretty minor, but it does get them to the island...
...where the titular creatures attack.  I'm sorry, but could you make your 3-D models not look 2-D please?
I'm sorry, but this crap bears another viewing. an insult to the Playstation 2.  These look like animated toys!
As it turns out, the Raptors have been breeding like crazy on this island due to some toxic waste being dumped there.  How did the Raptors get there originally though?  Want to explain that one, movie?
Speaking of silly, covering themselves in this radioactive mud makes the Raptors not see them.  Our heroine actually questions why it works and Lamas' character makes up a half-assed excuse.  Speaking of which, you're covering yourself in radioactive mud!
I should mention that the lead gun-runner is the bad guy.  He barely does shit here, but he is essentially invincible until the finale.  Kudos.
The island is coming apart.  Shocking, I know.  It may have something to do with the explosives you set in the volcano.
After nearly running out of fuel, this one guy on the ship- who is super-important apparently- stops by to pick up our heroes.  They shoot at a green screen...I mean, the bad guy.  He gets eaten by his T-Rex, ending his inexplicable survival on an island full of death.
In a goofy twist ending stolen from Jurassic Park 3, the Raptors swim away to the mainland.  The problem- they're in the middle of the South China Sea!  The End.
Evolution is not catching up to you, Lamas.  This movie is just chock full of hilarity.  It's not a comedy...but it is hilarious.  The plot is so stock, allowing you to focus on the terrible shit.  Isn't that what we all want in a movie these days?  I hate it when good characters, plot and special effects get in the way of my derisive mocking of the film!  This movie does have some decent moments in it, but not all that great.  Lamas is actually in this movie a lot, since I guess he had all that free time from barely being in Lethal.  If you like good movies, the terrible CG effects ruin the movie.  If you like to laugh at terrible movies, the terrible CG effects make the movie.  The plot is not designed to actually explain itself- just to get the characters from scene to scene.  Seriously, where did the Raptors come from?  Furthermore, where did ONE T-Rex come from (since there is no mention of there being others)?  Were there some Stegosauruses and Pterodactyls on the other side of the island that we just never saw.  No, if you want to see Pterodactyls, watch a movie with Coolio.  Take us away, random, unlabeled device of some kind...
Next up, a film with a confusing back-story and relationship to another film.  Who cares- Lorenzo Lamas fights a Predator!  Stay tuned...

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