Friday, February 3, 2012

Boll-Shit: In the Name of the King 2- Two Worlds

Uwe Boll hates sequels as much as he clearly hates us.  With a multi-year career and about a dozen-plus films to his name, he only has two actual sequels.  There are two other Boll films with sequels- House of the Dead 2 and Alone in the Dark II- but he didn't Direct them.  What inspired him to make another Dungeon Siege movie?  Oh, excuse, this is not a Dungeon Siege movie- that would be silly.  It's not like there are Dungeons in this movie.  Mind you, there weren't any Dungeons in that movie either.  That movie was a huge budget for Boll- about $60 million- and didn't even come close to recouping.  After vowing to never do it again, he made this movie last year.  This movie is not big-budget, so gone are stars like Jason Statham and even lesser stars like Claire Forlani.  In their place- Dolph Lundgren.  I love you, Dolph, but you have to say no sometimes.  This movie's plot is ridiculous and excises as much of the previous film as was humanely possible.  This is a fairly-new release, but I'm not holding back on the plot.  If you want to avoid SPOILERS, just skip this one.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.  To find out why this film doesn't even have a title card, read on...
A wizard lady fights some bandits off in the Woods and makes it to...Vancouver.  On the plus side, they're actually setting it in Vancouver and not calling it Chicago or New York.
This is Dolph.  He teaches Self-Defense, but is sad about his friends dying in the Gulf War 10 years ago.  He's the hero and the Narrator.  Even he doesn't seem to be taking this shit seriously.
The wizard lady helps our hero out from the hooded thugs and takes him through a cheap, CG portal to the Dungeon Siege world.  They excised that part of the title, but kept the land.
In place of Statham, we have Boll-alumni Lochlyn Munro as King Raven.  Quoth the him: Nevermore.
He rules the surviving people of the land- a plague was unleashed- from his $200 fort.  This is why some films use $60 million budgets FYI.
Dolph and a lady doctor are sent to kill an Evil Witch (damn you, Alone in the Dark II!)...but he finds her camp to be friendly.  Confused?  Well, here's the deal.
She explains that King Raven is actually evil and sends Dolph out to stop him.  She doesn't actually present any evidence- he just believes her.  Oh yeah, this Dragon shows up.  One point for Boll...out of 10,000,000,001.
In The End, Dolph battles Raven in an amazingly one-sided his house.  Holy out-matched villain, Batman!  He then mourns his exit from the D.S. land...even though they never show the Portal in his house close!
Our sequel...sequel bait ending involves a random necklace given to him glowing.  That or he could just go downstairs!  The End.
You can keep both Worlds, Boll!  This movie is just awful for a number of reasons.  The biggest: it's dull and listless.  The action scenes spice things up, but everything is as bland as room temperature water.  The characters are not that interesting.  Dolph is the most interesting, but his sarcastic tone comes off more like he's an asshole.  I guess because everyone else is an asshole to him, that makes it okay.  No.  No, it doesn't.  As I said, I love Dolph, but he is not right for a sarcastic character.  Other than him, all of the actors appear to mostly be 'window-dressing.'  Even the suddenly-evil villain fails to ham it up like the role requires, nor is he scary enough to be taken seriously.  Not scary and not funny- pointless.  I wish that this movie had some ridiculous shit to talk about...but it doesn't.  Even a plot twist like Dolph Lundgren being Statham's time-lost son- who was in turn the son of Burt Reynolds (!!!)- is just kind of there.  Can a movie about a time-traveling soldier fighting an evil king alongside a witch while a dragon lurks in the forest be dull.  Apparently it can be, yes.  Take us away, lame green-screen effect...
Next up, a '70s film with a great title.  Can the cheap-ass DVD transfer ruin the potential?  Stay tuned...

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