Friday, February 10, 2012

Lorenzo Lamas Week: Blood Angels

You give vampires a bad name!  This 2004 Lorenzo Lamas films is about sexy, lady vampires.  Good so far.  Unfortunately, the plot is a ridiculous mish-mash of Evil Dead, Blade and random shit.  There's another thing that really drags this movie down: Lorenzo Lamas doing comedy.  Just picture that for a second, will you?  This movie does that weird thing where it goes through a weird, tonal shift in the last twenty minutes.  You know, like how the first half of Bruce Almighty is about comedy and the second half is about him learning to make hard decisions.  It's bad here.  The plot of this movie involves sexy, lady vampires opening a night club, only to find that their old captor- Lamas- is still on their trail.  It all builds up to a very silly finale.  Try not to skip right to The End and just read on...
The film begins by talking about the Necronomicon and even steal the 'spinning the book away from the screen' shot.  Off to a good start!
Our heroines are a bunch of lady vampires who escape from a white room by killing 'Renny.'  Ugh.  Don't worry- he comes back...somehow.  Don't ask.
Our lead heroine invites her sister to stay at her club after their father is abusive to her.  She doesn't give the 'I'm a vampire' speech though...
In one of the craziest scenes since the demon breasts from Mausoleum, this lady vampire's boobs turn into leeches which suck this guy's blood.  It's crap CG- see the stinger- and random.  These leech areola monsters never show up again.
In a flashback, we learn that the ladies escaped with the Necronomicon- which doesn't have a mouth- and planned to use it to turn them into full vampires.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention- they're half-vampires.  No, really.
Lamas shows up- his first real appearance in 20 minutes, minus flashbacks- and takes over the place.  Thanks, crappy green screen effect!
As it turns out, Lamas' big plan was for them to use the ceremony to summon an Elder God.  It's represented by this weird tendril-face thing.
In a really, really stupid moment, our heroines turn the sister into a vampire.  As half-vampires, two of them must bite her to turn her.  No, really.  They beat Lamas up, he cracks some jokes, turns into a crappy, CG vampire and gets cut into pieces.
In spite of that, he survives, setting up a sequel that doesn't exist (I think).  The End.
People continue to make worse and worse vampire films.  This movie is odd, randomly-paced and ridiculous.  There are a number of silly, made-up vampire rules and powers.  Lamas can turn into bugs.  When those get smashed, he can turn into blood like Stephen Dorf in the Alternate Ending to Blade.  He can bring 'Renny' back to life, but without actually making him a vampire.  That's not even getting into half-vampires.  Basically, they're Vampires, but they don't have the 'cool powers.'  They do have the weaknesses though, making me wonder what the point even is.  I laughed my ass off when they explained that two of them had to bite the sister to make her a vampire...after she was already dead.  Never mind the whole idea of mixing Cthulu lore haphazardly into this film.  What is the point of it?  You made up shit like leech-areola monsters, but still felt the need to bring in the more 'fantastical' stuff too?  If this film was better paced, it would be an easy recommendation- albeit ironically.  As it is, it's a funny film to watch after the First Act, even if the Third Act turns into Lamas making awful jokes with a wooden delivery.  Seriously, who wrote the Third Act of this movie?  If you want funny, check out this wannabe-Poser art...
Next up, with my final Lamas film not coming through for me, I'll go with my back-up.  Lorenzo Lamas, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson and a Nintendo Gamecube walk into a film...and suck!  Stay tuned...

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