Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cinco De Rip-Off: Hell's Trap

Viva la Raza!  To celebrate the Mexican Indepence Day (the day they drove away those aliens, I believe), I have a Mexican film.  This one comes to us via the Crypt of Terror collection, a movie set that more people should look into.  I'm not necessarily saying that the films are good- they're just unique.  Case in point- Hell's Trap.  If you ever thought, "I wish someone would turn First Blood into a horror film," you're in luck.  In addition, you may want to up the daily dosage of your medication!  This film is just that famous Stallone movie, just retro-fitted into the mold of a 1980's slasher film.  I'm not making this up and you'll find out soon enough as we attempt to disarm...
In a random opening scene, we see two guys playing some intense 'hide and seek' before a fight breaks out.  As we learn, these two guys have had a long-standing feud, the other existing.  It all comes to a head when the guy who's always losing suggests that they go out hunting in the woods.  Why?  Because there have been a series of murders out there which the Police say was done by a bear.  Naturally, this is NOT a crime scene, so our heroes can just wander around in the woods.  We get more random comedy featuring the 'Fat Guy Who Is Apparently Hilarious' before the group goes out.  We finally see our villain- a masked, Vietnam veteran in a blond wig.  Apparently, the Brother Power the Geek look was popular in 1989.  Oh yeah, he also has a Freddy claws.  Most of the action here involves him running around before finally killing off one of the girls.  Why couldn't you just stab David Caruso like Stallone did?
Our heroes make a series of random and convoluted decisions.  They don't flee during the night, since the guy knows the woods.  That would be accurate, but you have to assume that the urban legend you were told was correct.  Why would you assume that?  They try to flee later, but decide to hunt the guy down instead.  Why?  Because 'this is their best shot.'  You can't be 'oh no, we're scared' and then 'let's kick his ass' mere minutes apart.  Only the characters from Dead Snow have that right!  Once the guy escapes them, they run off into the woods in pursuit.  Using the power of plot convenience, he somehow circles around behind them and kills the girl in the truck.  By the way, she dies when she can't open a car door!  Now that things are 'real,' our heroes decide to chase the guy some more.  Our two lead characters end up falling in a pit where the guy tries to kill them until Fat Guy comes to the rescue by...blowing the guy's hand off.  That's hardcore, dude!  The guy runs off bleeding and the Fat Guy doesn't shoot him again, fair-play, I guess.
Our heroes are happy, but their joy dissipates when the killer seals the wound, straps an M-16 to his arm and kills two of them.  This film's body count is really random, by the way.  The Vet kidnaps the girl because...why not and even leaves a present behind- a car bomb.  Ironically, his plan ends up killing the guy who blew off his hand in a quick manner and taunting the guy that didn't!  He sets up a trap with the tied-up girl, but it's a bit silly.  He shoots at our hero, only it's designed to cut a rope hanging a tree stump above his head.  How did your dumb ass survive Vietnam?!?  The pair escape back to the RV run by the guy from earlier (he's dead, by the way) and set up a trap.  Naturally, after setting his own trap earlier, the guy falls into this obvious trap and gets blown up.  He makes sure to take off his mask for no good reason before he dies.  All is well- if you're the two leads.  The End.
I'd rather step in a bear trap!  The plot of this movie is silly and ridiculous.  On one hand, it's overly-elaborate and unexplained.  Who is this Vet?  Why does nobody know about him, save for the people that make up the urban legend?  Why does the guy supply tourists to go out in the woods if he knows about the killer?  What exactly motivates this killer?  What's with the mask?  On the other hand, the movie is simple to the point of being ridiculous.  It's pretty much just the killer wandering around and attacking them.  Why bother explaining anything when it's all so stupid!  This is a pretty basic horror film that tries nothing new.  I guess I can't fault a film for knowing what it wants to be.  Of course, this film is just trying to be a rip-off of First Blood, so that is kind of silly.  On second thought, I feel confident in my assessment.
Up next, I celebrate the release of Thor with another Marvel film.  Unfortunately, this film was made for the Sci-Fi Channel and features an obscure, '70s character.  Stay tuned...

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