Monday, October 25, 2010

WTF?!? Spain: Killer Tongue

Spain, Spain, Spain- what were you thinking?  Try to look at what exactly they did here.  We've got a Spanish production with two American leads in it and the film is made in English.  However, all of the credits (see the title card, for example) are in Spanish.  The film is about a Bonnie & Clyde wannabe couple who get separated for a while.  During their time apart, some alien hijinks occur that make things a bit tricky for them.  Through in a creepy prison warden, some nuns and some gay stereotypes & you've got the plot.  Who greenlights this kind of thing?  Well, since I already watched it, you get to know all about it.  Get out your deus ex meteorite for my review of...
The film begins with a couple out on a robbery spree.  They hold a pair of security guards hostage as they drive away.  As they finish escaping, they tie the two guys up and drive off.  There's clearly a scene or two missing here because when we see the guy next, he's in jail.  We learn through a flashback scene that the duo agreed to reunite when he got out of jail & reclaim their loot.  Who?  What? Why?  Don't worry, they use the time saved to give you some of the worst comedy acting this side of, well, Lucky Stiff.  The prison warden is none other than Robert Englund, proving that you can go lower than A Nightmare on Elm Street 6.  Kudos, buddy!  So what is the girlfriend doing in this period of time?  It's simple- she's a Nun.  Yes, apparently cloisters are very easy to get into.  After all, if that whore from School of the Holy Beast can get into one, why can't she?  Trouble comes up when a newspaper decides to do a photo shoot of the nuns doing a carwash.  You can question that logic, but you will soon learn that this is the most logical plot point in the film!  The warden gives the guy a hard time, as well as showing off his awesome toupee.  Why does he have a toupee?  Because the screenwriter thought that this was funny.  I don't know- just go with it.  Oh yeah, a comet crashes into the Earth and does some freaky stuff...
I'm going to bombard you with a whole slew of ridiculous statements, so stay with me.  The comet's crash has many curious side effects.  First off, it transforms the woman, putting her into some sort of weird bodysuit.  Secondly, it turns her tongue into a living, alien entity.  Third, it transforms her group of poodles into horrible, gay stereotype men.  No, really.  Don't ask me why this object causes that effect, because I have no damn clue!  As we learn, the woman loses her normal taste buds and can only eat one thing: people.  Thankfully, one of the recently-released prisoners stops by to get killed.  That's not his goal, mind you, but it is the end result.  When the woman finds out about her curse, she takes it out on, well, her tongue.  The entity does not like this and fights back.  Eventually, it pops it's way out and begins to her?  Yes, this is happening.  In jail, more trouble happens with the warden, but the guards aren't helping him all that much.  Our hero finally gets free, but his problems are just beginning.  One of the nuns ends up in the clutches of the killer tongue woman, but escapes.  Thankfully, she finds another snack to tide her over.  The nurse wanders around the desert for a while until she runs into the guy.  I smell romance...and some evil tongue action.
When the woman finds out that her guy is getting it on with another woman, she pushes the pair over a cliff in the gurney that they were making out on.  Do you want to explain why they were there?  I didn't think so.  After feasting on another person, we go away from the woman to see those guards from before.  Their sub-plot involves them tracking down the woman after seeing her face in the photo of the nuns.  Don't worry- this goes nowhere.  It all boils down to the film's few survivors- the guy, one of the prisoners and Englund.  They do something logical and try to shoot the damn thing.  However, their attempt to drive away leads to a really silly car chase.  It's just above the one from Maniac Cop 3 since it has the woman driving while the alien tongue is flailing about through the sun roof.  What was it planning to do exactly?  All of this leads back to- you guessed it- the Church where the nuns were originally.  The group do battle with the woman and her killer mouth appendage until...the movie just kind of ends.  Yeah, they kind of cop-out here and just close with the woman doing narration in...somewhere.  The End.
This movie sucks!  The key problem is this: it's just too weird.  Maybe it's a case of the story being translated badly.  Maybe I just don't get it.  Maybe it's just dumb!  The film has weird comedy moments, followed by people dying and then more comedy.  On top of that, the comedy is all over the place.  We get people over-acting, people yelling a lot and people making funny faces.  Plus, we get Englund wearing a toupee, the horrible stereotype characters and the prisoners being abused.  Yes, that last part is supposed to be funny.  Here's the thing: this is a Spanish film, but it has a pair of English leads and was done entirely in English.  However, the freaking titles are in Spanish!  I know that I mentioned that before, but it bears repeating- dammit.  I wanted to like this movie- honest.  I mean, how could I not like a movie with this title?!?  However, it proved to just be a big disappointment to me.  Maybe you'll like it better.  Either way, at least you've heard about it now.  Have fun or share my disdain.
Up next, I tackle the first of two films in an '80s horror series.  Will the films have anything to do with each other though?  Stay tuned...


  1. Hahaha - the only part of this flick I found even mildly amusing was the but near the beginning where the one weird guy shows up at the nuns' gas station and starts harassing them with his pelvic thrusts. And the poodles turning into transvestites confounded me, as well. You are not alone.

  2. Quite frankly, I'm more confounded that someone else even saw this movie.

    Given the caliber of Englund films that I've done here so far, I think the lesson is this: You can say 'No' to projects, Robert!