There was no way I was getting out of this week without one of these films, huh? This 2006 film narrowly beat out another film- Bram Stoker's To Die For. What gave it the edge? Well, let's get into that. First, some back-story. After his death in 1912, Stoker's remaining short works were collected in a set called 'Bram Stoker's Dracula's Guest and Other Weird Tales.' Some controversy arose from this, since many claimed that the titular tale was just a lost chapter from 'Dracula,' just without context. Regardless, this tale has *supposedly* been the inspiration for a few films. Most notably, it was said to be the inspiration for Dracula's Daughter...before they actually filmed it. As fans of the film- or people that have read my review- will note, the film has nothing to do with it. This leads us into this film- another movie that has nothing to do with the tale. Who's surprised? As a low-budget film, it has certain limitations that will become very apparent. As to what gave it the edge- it features Bram Stoker as a character. No, really. This movie's 'Bram' is a teenage dramedy actor, while their 'Dracula' is...well, I won't spoil the surprise too much. Get out your convenient noose for my review of...
The film begins in England with a man trying to rescue his love from behind a gate. If only they had invented bolt cutters...which I think they had. The woman also explains that the man took the one gift she was saving for him- her 'maiden-head.' Starting off nice and classy, film. As the man runs off, we suddenly cut to 'One Week Earlier.' Oh good, you're defacing Dracula, the author of the book and Sunset Boulevard in one full swing. Did you make time to insult L. Frank Baum while you were at it? We see the man from before (Bram) and his friend (nobody I feel like looking up) practicing their fencing at the beach. Hey, that place is for slow-motion running or making out with your girlfriend! They get into a mild fracas when the other guy says things that make it sound like he's a bit too interested in the lady. All of this gets settled and Bram meets up with a client at work- Dracula. Note how he's framed in light coming from the window, by the way. Bram, you see, works for a Real Estate Company that is going to set up the Count with a London home. Get it- his real life situation is like Harker's from the book! This idea isn't completely stupid at all! After an argument with her father about being with Vlad, the lady gets on a train, but gets kidnapped by Dracula. Instead of caring, let's compare the actor playing young Bram (who's on the right) to a picture of Bram circa 1912...
The movie gets pretty silly from hereon out. Dracula has taken the woman to Translyvania, apparently by carriage. Is that even possible? She puts up a big fuss, but he counters that by waving his hands at her, subduing her. Remember the power of persuasion and hypnosis that Dracula has in the book? Well, they top that. The Count runs afoul of Bram's friend while back in London and kills the guy using...the Force? Yes, Dracula has Jedi Force Push powers here! He eventually kills the guy by floating him through the air (not all in one shot, mind you) and into a noose. Despite the obvious brusing that would be all over his body from the fight, I'm sure that they'll call this a suicide. You want to know what makes this even dumber? They cast Andrew Bryniarski as Dracula! Yes, they cast 'Leatherface' from the TCM remake as Count Dracula. To partially quote the Police Captain from The Abominable Dr. Phibes- "...Words fail me, gentlemen." You want a good laugh? Look at this...
Well, since this movie is fairly-recent, I would feel bad if I put in SPOILERS. There- that will disguise the fact that I couldn't make it through the whole film today. Oops. The End.
This movie sucks- at least, the part I saw. I maintains all of the bad things about it's setting- the dull characters, the listless look- and none of the good things about it- the classiness, the prestige, etc. It's a bit like the Spanish Exorcist film which contains all of the boring build-up, but none of the interesting stuff to excuse it! There's so much in here that makes me laugh and cry. Bram Stoker in a film that has 'Bram Stoker's' in the title? Bram Stoker in a film about Dracula? Bryniarski as Dracula?!? Don't get me wrong- he doesn't do a terrible job here. He just is completely-wrong for the part and looks awkward doing the soft, subtle mannerisms of Dracula. Picture Scott Steiner doing 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Picture Hulk Hogan doing 'Les Miserables.' Hell, picture Kane Hodder in The Notebook! As Dread Central noted, it's stunt-casting gone horribly-awry! I should make another note about the 'Dracula using Force powers' bit too. In a scene about ten minutes earlier, he picks up a Train Station Worker by the throat and tosses him against a wall. That is why you don't hire someone like Bryniarski. Him doing that looks normal, while me doing that would look like I have supernatural powers! Even for the half of a film I saw, it's a fail. Think I'm exaggerating? Well, it's still on Instant Viewing via Netflix- see for yourself!
Next up, we begin Series Killers Week with a look at films that, well, killed horror series.' First up, the sixth Halloween film in which Meyers faces off with...Paul Rudd. Stay tuned...
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