Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dracula Week: Dracula Blows His Cool

Dracula is a very serious character spawned from a dark time in History.  So, naturally, he's been the inspiration for a number of Comedies.  In particular, he spawned a 1982 Italian comedy called Dracula Blows His Cool.  Wow, it is the top echelon alongside Dracula- Dirty Old Man and Die Hard Dracula. Can it reach the epic heights of Dracula: Dead and Loving It.  Maybe it will achieve the truly great status attained by Zoltan, Hound of Dracula.  Huh?  What do you mean 'that Film is not supposed to be a comedy?'  Oh well.  The big question is this: is there a reason that almost nobody in America has heard about this film in the nearly 30 years since it was made?  Probably.  Get out your giant phallus statues for my review of...
The film starts out strongly enough with establishing the setting- a village in Europe- and putting in some comedy.  Unfortunately, the good times last about three minutes.  Basically, a bunch of models come into the village for a photo-shoot.  Unfortunately, the village is full of a bunch of prudes and stuck-up idiots.  See- it's funny because they don't like things!  A group of them investigate a crypt that holds Dracula and his bride, but get side-tracked by the phallic imagery and art work.  A 'wacky' bit of comedy involves the lead prude accidentally getting a giant cross and a giant 'penis' statue.  Of course- who hasn't been there?  First, she has to hide it from a fellow villager in her room.  Naturally, she does this by stashing it under her dress!  Later, she has a companion wrap up the cross for her mother's birthday.  At a tea party, she unwraps her present, but- oh boy- it's the 'penis' instead.  Oh yeah, Dracula awakens and kills a woman, but only after waiting around for five minutes.  Oh boy.
So yeah, this movie is basically just a pretense for stupid comedy.  We get a bunch of silly characters making faces or reacting to silly things.  Case in point: one of the villagers is having a torrid affair with a fellow villager.  She sneaks away before the woman's husband arrives, but the man doesn't know.  He expresses his love for the woman, only for it to be revealed as the lead prude.  Cue silly face for the camera.  The models engage in some hijinks of their own.  Oddly, they get one of the obvious pranks wrong.  They lure some men away from the car with the tease of them being naked, only to run back to the car and drive off.  Here's the thing: they're naked and the men aren't.  Um, okay.  The women use this as an excuse to advertise for their main attraction: a Discotheque.  Yes, this isn't dated at all.  The appeal of naked woman possibly being there brings in a big crowd to the place.  Since it's been built in Dracula's Castle- don't ask- the Count's bride decides to kill some person.  Since the attack took place earlier, one of the leads is ready to stop any vampires.  So, of course, he doesn't even blink when she walks by with a potential victim.  It's only a minute later- literally- that he figures it out.  *Sigh.*
Is this movie over yet?  No?  Okay.  Things escalate when the Count and his woman up the body count.  Our heroes, of course, do just about nothing.  These guys couldn't stop Count Chocula!  In a really weird moment, we get a number of deaths in a montage.  Yes, a montage.  The pair go back and forth between rooms, alternately romancing and killing the people.  Despite everyone around them dying, the people welcome the vampires to kill them.  Yeah, I don't get it.  After all of that, the Count and his wife decide that they love each other more than ever.  With that, they ride off into the countryside.  At the village, one of them is happy that the vampires leave...only to get bitten by a recently-turned model.  Way to steal the ending from The Fearless Vampire Killers, jerks.  The End.
This movie sucks.  It's not funny and it's certainly not scary.  I really tried to give this film a chance, but it did nothing for me.  The characters are one-dimensional, the jokes are lame and the horror is lame.  You get some good Dracula kills, but most of them happen in the silly montage.  Again, I have to ask- a montage?  Really?  Really?!?  To top it all off, the DVD does not have a good transfer.  It's basically a bad VHS rip onto a disc.  Mind you, I can't imagine someone putting a lot of work into restoring this shit.  It's stupid, pointless and just overall annoying.  Of course, it's not all bad...
Next up, Spain gets a chance to redeem this Week with a pretentious-sounding film.  Can it survive with Paul Naschy?  Stay tuned...


  1. Dude, you totally bleeped the best part of this review lol.. That may be the best title to grace MB! Dracula Blows His Cool.. Geez.. Only in the 80s..