Friday, June 18, 2010

Land of Pasta: Patrick Still Lives!

I really wanted to believe that this was a sequel.  After all, that's why I added the movie to my list and put it on the schedule.  Alas, like many people when the film came out, I was duped.  It never pays to trust the Italians...unless you're talking about romance, the arts or shitty zombie films.  Say what you will about them, but they mastered those three things.  Speaking of shitty films, this remake/sequel was made in 1980, just long enough after the original came out to seem like a real sequel.  Just a note to the people at The Asylum, if you wait a bit, you're more likely to fool people.  I'm not going to go 'Gee, they made another I Am Legend film a month after the first one came out,' but I might if you wait a year or two.  That tangent aside, this movie has almost entirely been lost to history, save for a group of idiots/film snobs like myself who decide to track it down.  I'd like to give a special thanks for the DVD company that decided to release it.  Thanks- I didn't have anything else to do with those 90 minutes anyhow!  What's notable about this movie besides it being an utter lie?  Well, it has lots of nudity and death in it.  If that's enough to entertain you, enjoy my review of...
Without any set-up or narration, we get an older man and his son waiting for a tow truck to arrive.  An unseen man tosses a bottle out of his car and hits the young man (Patrick #2) in the head.  Apparently this young man is a super-hemophiliac, because he bleeds more than the Great Muta after an Ironman Match.  That's a joke that's going to be lost on like 90% of you, isn't it?  Anyhow, the film jumps ahead suddenly to a lab where a bunch of people in comas are being studied.  The head doctor bears an uncanny resemblance to the Rev. Jim Jones, even a bit more than the guy in the movie about him!  As it turns out, his son Patrick is also in the clinic and being studied for brainwave activity and all that jazz.  After a bit of foreshadowing, we see a group of people arriving at the clinic for a week-long retreat.  We get a whole bunch of unlikable couples, including a mismatched (one David Niven-looking guy and one Italian model) bickering couple, a younger couple that's fighting and a pair of singles.  The movie makes no attempts to really hide any underlying dread or terror, so why should I?  Patrick #2 has some sort of psychic powers and isn't afraid to use them.  Gee, what a surprise.
Patrick #2 has much different plans for his victims than his Australian counterpart.  Instead of subtle actions, he has much more of an Uwe Boll approach to it.  His first victim is the Davin Niven-looking guy who turns down an offer of sex from his model wife (you're more like Niven than I thought!) to go swimming.  Once in there, the water turns into a giant hot tub and burns him up like a lobster.  When the body is found the next day (after pointless topless shot #5), Dr. Jim Jones explains it as a natural body response.  What are you a doctor of, exactly?  At night, Patrick #2 also tries to put the moves on a blond nurse at the facility.  It's like the Australian film, only with more telepathic molestation and replacing the lead actress with a model.  We learn a little more about the people staying over for the week.  Apparently, they all did some sort of crime and the doctor invited them die.  Yeah, it's Ten Little Indians, just with a dash of Patrick and a scoop-full of bad Giallo cliches.  In true Giallo fashion, the woman are all whores and the men are all criminals.  Patrick #2 claims another victim via his 'flashing eyes' trick and a victim who is dumb enough to stand there and watch a hook float through the air at him.  I think Patrick #2 could have killed you without his powers, you damn idiot!
Things only get sleazier and gorier from hereon out.  Patrick #2 controls the nurse again, causing her to go in his room and disrobe.  He proceeds to have his telepathic 'way' with her in a scene that rivals the pantonmime, voodoo sex from Eternal Evil of Asia.  What a comparison!  When he's done, she 'wakes up' and flees.  More victims fall into Patrick #2's hands (so to speak).  One of them is confronted in the kitchen by a floating pipe and decides to use the Fall on Back and Spread My Legs Invitingly Technique...which ends up with the result you would expect.  After all this death and bickering, the remaining few people decide to book it.  One guy tells the lone remaining woman (not counting the nurse) that she has five minutes to go with him or stay to die.  Before he gets there, she tries to leave, but runs into a 'trap' set by Patrick #2.  She sticks her head in a window, allowing the evil psychic to decapitate her with the raising window.  Yeah, that's not how the human body works.  The man shows up later and tries to leave...only to have the car fill up with gas...for some reason.  Is Patrick a Smokestarter?  The only one he doesn't want to kill is the nurse, because he's in love with her.  Yeah, that's what hypnotizing someone and molesting them relates- love!  The dad throws a tantrum, gets killed and the nurse arrives...only to scream as the titles roll.  Okay then.
This is seriously a giant mess of a movie.  Where to begin?  How about the opening scene where a man is driven into a coma by a bottle hitting him in the head?  I don't think you could do that to a newborn...even if you hit him in his 'soft spot.'  Why does Patrick #2 get powers?  Because the other one did, duh!   Why are the kills in this movie so ridiculous?  How do almost any of them relate to Patrick #2's supposed powers?  Why does he have the power to summon the ghostly 'Eyes of Laura Mars?'  The film answers none of these questions, choosing instead to hope that you just go 'Hey, look how they killed that girl' or 'Hey, that woman is hot!'  The copious nudity in the film does keep it from getting as boring as it might be...although it's so redundant and pointless that it even gets a little tedious.  When big, fake breasts are wearing out their welcome, you're doing something wrong!  The biggest problem is this movie's bizarre mix of ideas.  The stuff they steal from Patrick- including the typewriter bit- has almost no place in this bizarre Giallo-style revenge film.  It's like the gory killings in Don't Open 'Til Christmas- they're there, but nobody is quite sure how they fit in.  This is quite a Eurotrash oddity...but it won't appeal to anyone other than fans of that shit.
Up next, we close up the 3-Part saga of Boogeyman.  Will it manage to out-suck the previous film or will it be a surprise success?  Stay tuned...


  1. Such a bad review.. Cant fight the tractor beam you have sucked me in to... must.. watch it.. for.. myself!!!!!

  2. I love the scene with the pole and the hoohaa. Truly hilariously gory