Friday, June 4, 2010

4-Pack: Killer Tomatoes Eat France!

Let's wrap this whole thing up with the movie that was supposed to be the third film.  Oh, how I wish they had made anything other than the real third movie in this series!  Anyhow, this movie still has De Bello on board, but Rick Rockwell's shitty writing is nowhere to be found.  Instead, the movie is the work of De Bello, Dillon and Stephen 'Senator' Peace.  However, things are not that rosy or simple.  You see, this movie followed in the wake of the Killer Tomatoes cartoon series.  Yes, I will review it if they ever put it on DVD, people.  To accommodate this change, the killer tomatoes are different yet again, as is our male lead.  Is it a rule that you have to change leads every film?  I mean, I wanted Rockwell gone, but some consistency would be nice.  By the way, ignore the ending of the third film.  The big question is this: will the movie suck as bad as Part 3?  Find out in my review of...
A good sign comes in the form of some comedic credits.  They're not as good as the first film, but it's nice to see them.  They say that the plot is 'Based on a summary from the back of the book The Man in the Iron Mask,' which has me curious.  Will this be a change for the better?  In our first scene, Gangreen escapes from a French prison with a giant book in tow.  This is accomplished by way of a hot air balloon, Igor in Mexican garb and the killer tomatoes with names.  As a side note, these ones don't even match their cartoon counterparts, proving once again that De Bello and company can't match their own continuity!  In another odd note, the talking tomatoes throw other tomatoes at people to attack.  Is that like suicide bombing?  Getting away from that imagery, our hero is introduced.  This young schmuck stops to talk about how he's out of his luck for being in this movie.  You and I agree, kid!  His luck goes up when he runs into a hot, French woman and gets her to like him by telling her that he's Michael J. Fox.  Just a note: don't try that now, guys!  They go through a happy montage while Gangreen plots his revenge on society.  They go to a mall that is supposed to resemble San Diego...which means that it is San Diego.  Yes, yes- telegraph those jokes more, guys!  As it turns out, Fuzzy Tomato is performing a concert in the Louvre.  Why not?
We get some silly and drawn-out humor at a dinner scene with our young couple.  Eventually, our heroine breaks down and cries about not being beautiful...because she's skinny.  He dissuades her of this opinion and they go to the show.  By the way, F.T. has legs now.  Not only that, but he apparently went to College with our hero.  When did that happen?  There's only a three year period of time in which the sequels were made (1988-1991)!  He performs a song to both tomatoes- who are accepted in France- and humans, causing them to get along.  After one song, he takes a break (what?!?) and gets captured by Gangreen, having his identity purloined by one of the villainous fruits.  This evil one plays a rock song that turns everyone angry, proving the French are dumber than even the audience of this series!  As our heroes flee a crowd that calls them 'tomato lovers' (how original), they see that other vegetables and fruits are humanoid in nature.  They run across the celebrating fruits and learn the truth about Fuzzy Tomato.  They track them down to Gangreen's castle, which is also a tourist destination.  I hope you like jokes about this, because there are literally dozens of them!  In a minor plot point, Gangreen fakes the girl turning on our hero before he's captured.  Meanwhile, he's extracted the mutant gene from F.T.  Our hero escapes the villain's death trap when he reads that he's supposed to die...and just walks off the set.  Sure, why not?
After escaping from the place, our hero is sad and depressed.  Fortunately for him, the killer tomatoes are planning their invasion of France, so he joins up with the army in an attempt to get himself killed.  In some funny jokes, we get some war-footage parody with him, which is even shot in sepia tones.  We get some 'war footage' with toy soldiers, which would be great if they would have put something like 'It's All We Can Afford' on the screen.  Since they don't, it's just dumb.  Our heroine sets F.T. free to bring the guy back and he does so, but with some company.  Gangreen is going to take over France by way of some silly prophecy that he's going to manufacture with Igor as a substitute for Louis XVII.  As it turns out, there is a real Louis XVII and he's pissed.  I'll try to ignore the fact that Rick Rockwell plays the army commander, thank you.  He goes back to the castle to rescue her, leading to a pair of sword-fights between Fake Louis and real Louis & F.T. and the evil tomatoes.  It ends in the villain's favor & they run off towards the mall...that is totally in Paris!  After a long bit, our hero makes it up to the tower- getting past the 999 stairs.  After he frees her, they take the elevator down.  The ceremony almost ends with fake Louis as the new King of France, but F.T. swings in for the save.  Our heroine becomes the new Queen by way of taking a shoe, but abdicates the throne to be with not-Michael J. Fox.  The End.
This movie is...still pretty shitty.  Don't get me wrong- it's an improvement over Killer Tomatoes Strike Back.  Of course, there are also different kinds of Cancer that I would have than the really bad ones too!  It's easy to see that there is more material to work with and there are no Zubazs in sight!  Even so, the movie is still dependent on lame jokes like a bar serving vegetables, but not fruit- that means no watermelons!  By the way, this really gets to me for some reason: tomatoes are fruits!  In the first film, there's a joke where the Japanese scientist calls them 'fags,' only to be corrected as 'fruits.'  In all three films that follow, they call them vegetables.  How do you forget that simple fact?  Is there some sort of joke that I missed where they make fun of themselves for this oversight?  I want to know!  Anyhow, this film does have some funny bits in it, including some sight gags and 4th Wall breaking jokes.  Even so, the thrill has entirely left this series and would never return.  I really wanted to like this movie...but it just sucks.  You can tell they tried, just not hard enough.  Oh well.
Up next, a I begin a look at a recent slate of horror films that share a name with an Uli Lommel series.  Will they be any better?  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. I like the idea of how the tomatoes have individual designs that look pretty sweet, but Im sure its as terrible as you say it is