Saturday, June 26, 2010

Blockbuster Troma: Class of Nuke 'Em High 3

Okay, what is there left to say?  The first movie is terrible and the second one is even worse.  The series is actually degrading to the point of bad self-parody.  This becomes incredibly-apparent with the third and final chapter.  Apparently, there was a fourth film announced in 2000, but that never came to be.  Much like Head of the Family 2, it is a dream that may never be fully-realized.  Today's film is notable for being the first film that Troma released independently...since nobody in their right mind would release this piece of shit.  It was a big step for them, even if their future work would include Poultreygeist and Gutterballs (no, I haven't seen them...yet).  That accomplishment earns them a dubious honor as the first- but probably not last- induction in the Blockbuster Troma series.  Well, I put off the film's subject long enough, I guess.  Brick Bronsky is back and playing three different roles here.  Wow, it's just like when someone steps in something gross and tracks it all over the floor!  This goes without saying, but the humor is awful, the acting is bad and the plot makes even less sense.  For those of you without access to a 'panic room,' check out my review of...
The film begins with a clumsy recap of the first film, which is narrated in its entirety by Brick a different character.  Oy vey!  For the first 25 minutes of the film, he narrates, even while the events on screen are able to be seen.  We can see the bad guys break in and steal one of the twins, but he still has to explain to us that it is happening.  In a nutshell, the once-good-scientist turns evil again when Dr. Slag Ph.D. shows up and explains that Subhumanoid children can be used as a power source.  She teams up with Dr. Slag Ph.D (they say it in full every time, so I will too) and the younger brother of the fat Squirrel leader to steal the baby, not bothering to check for a second one.  Sure enough, there is another Bronsky baby born from Victoria before she dies in labor...since the actress is not in the film.  The kid grows up in two years to be...Brick Bronsky- the poor bastard.  After 600 references to this being a film, we learn that one brother (Dick) is being trained by Dr. Slag Ph.D to be a killer, while the other one (Adlai) was raised by Roger to be a good boy.  The now-adult Subhumanoid gets into a romance with his one-time wet nurse (ew), while Dick beats up random guys sent at him by Dr. Slag Ph.D.  Speaking of pointless, the evil lady scientist loses all of her hair due to a fire, but gains it in the next scene.  Why?!?
I don't really know much more time I can waste on this movie, but we'll see.  Adlai is trying to protect the mighty boll weevil, while Dick is battling more guys.  The scientist creates some new mutants, but they're just guys in big, ugly masks.  They go around wreaking havoc and hurting innocent people.  Why?  Because Adlai becomes a hero when he discovers that he can irradiate his hand.  After using it for sexual purposes (don't ask), he uses it to save the nuclear power plant from a meltdown- even after a Ron Jeremy cameo fails to help.  While he's stuck keeping the city running, Dick is ruining his reputation, in spite of that brother having black hair and a different outfit.  Man, the people in Tromaville are idiots.  After another pointless cameo by Toxie (seriously?!?), Dick kidnaps the new lady, but can't do anything dirty to her after Adlai pushes his thoughts into his mind...or something.  During the whole fiasco, Roger Smith is the Mayor...somehow and has to distance himself from his son.  If you wanted to see a bad actor pretend to act with himself, this is your movie- freak.  The girl escapes and tries a rallying speech a la Roger from Part II, but it doesn't work.  Fortunately, Roger is there to, himself, himself.  God, I hate this movie.  Fast forwarding a bit, the mutants get killed by extras hitting them with newspaper, Dr. Slag Ph.D gets killed and the twins combine forces to...turn into an egg.  Feh, I'm past caring.
In contrast to the previous two films, this movie really, really sucks!  Seriously, who could you screw up a story man than they already did?  I don't know, but they succeeded!  Brick plays three characters here and manages to suck even more in bulk.  He's like the Costco of shitty acting!  The whole story just makes no sense from beginning to end.  Why did they re-shoot the squirrel bit and change it?  What's the point in saving the Subhumanoid woman only to kill her in the beginning?  This whole thing was designed to make a star out of Brick Bronsky, which is supposed to explain why he has three parts here.  The problem is that he sucks in all three roles, even the one he's already played once before!  By the way, you can tell that his Roger Smith character is The Mayor, since he wears a button saying 'I Am The Mayor.'  I haven't seen subtlety this strong since Rick 'The Model' Martel wore a pin saying 'Yes, I Am A Model.'  I really got tired of the constant references to this being a movie as well, even going so far as to have characters say stuff like 'But all the Subhumanoids melted down at the end of Part II and at the beginning of this film.'  You've stopped being clever and just put up a middle finger, movie!  As far as shitty third films in a series go, I would watch Killer Tomatoes Strike Back three times while having my teeth pulled than watch this movie again.  Is that an endorsement to you?
Up next, I take a step away from Troma and bring you a 30-year old cult classic.  Does it age well though? Stay tuned...

No comments:

Post a Comment