Strange Killers: The Woman Eater

Don't feed the plants!  Back in the day, people had free reign to make all sorts of weird movies.  There were films about killer mud from 1,000,000 years ago, porno films with cavemen and, of course, The Curious Dr. Humpp.  While not as goofy as those films, today's movie does have a strange edge to it.  The plot involves a tree that eats women, a tribe that worships it and a scientist who tries to create an immortality formula from it. Along the way, you get a romantic sub-plot, a police investigation and lots of talk about a love affair that happened before the movie began.  Does all of that make sense to you?  I hope so, because I'm going to go over that one more time...in greater detail.  To find out more of what this film is about, read on.  Hide your, well, women from the...

The film begins with a man planning an expedition.  He's British, but, in spite of that, people still question whether he should do it or not.  Don't you realize that he's old and British?  They eventually go and they stumble across a tribe right out of King Kong.  In fact, it's pretty much the same group, except they worship a tree instead of a giant ape.  The young man on the expedition dies (more on that later), but they bring back the tree.  Some vague amount of time later, we see that the old man is doing experiments with the tree.  To do so, he has a random woman from the street be hypnotized by a native (who he brought with him) and fed to the tree (off-camera).  The film really only has the one gimmick, so they have to really space this out.

The middle part of the film is split between a romantic sub-plot involving a dancer and a mechanic (who lives near the old man's house) and the drama inside the house.  The maid used to be in a relationship with the old man, but he blows her off.  Their scenes really drag on and on, especially since you get the gist the first time...but there are about twelve of them.  The young woman, meanwhile, gets fired from her job as a hula dancer...at the circus and gets a job at the old man's house.  The doctor needs another test subject, so he follows a woman to a bar...with three people in it.  Yeah, you're subtle.  She has a fight with her boyfriend and agrees to go home with him.  He takes her inside where, after a jump cut, she is dressed in tribal attire and being hypnotized by the native's drum.  For a film made in 1957, they just implied that an ethnic man undressed a white woman against her will!  She gets fed to the tree too, although they show more this time.  Yea.

Finally, the film has some conventional murder.  After a long build-up, the old man kills the maid after she confronts him about sacrificing the young woman.  I'm not sure if she's upset about the idea of the murder or the fact that he's choosing someone younger!  In any case, the young woman makes plans to leave, but gets tricked into a trap by the old man.  The boyfriend, proving his use in the story, gets the police involved...eventually (they're a bit slow) and the police force of three guys in suits goes into action!  The old man has enough serum to test out on a dead body- the maid.  He does so, but she has no mind or soul.  The native man taunts him by saying that they only gave him half of the formula and that he'll never get it.  Yeah, it comes way the hell out of nowhere like that!  Desperate, he fights with the native, which is much more even than you would think.  When he's knocked out, the native tries to sacrifice the young woman, after ripping open her blouse of course.  Since this a '50s sci-fi film, the lab catches fire as the movie abruptly ends.  No, really.  The End.

Arbor death!  The plot of this movie is goofy and one-dimensional.  There really aren't any complex characters here if you get right down to it.  The old man just wants to succeed at his experiment.  The maid just wants him to herself.  The young woman and man just want to be happy.  The only one who seems that complex is the native guy, ironically enough.  Somehow, he ends up going to Britain with the scientist and starts working with the tree for him, all the while scheming to screw him over.  I'll give him credit for commitment, but I do question his goals.  You could have just not gone with him, especially since the movie doesn't see fit to show how he leaves, how the group escapes the natives or how they transported a giant tree with flailing arms back to England!  I should also point out how they never really show the tree truly 'eat' someone or how the old man extracts the fluid from it.  Is it like breeding a race horse?  Do I want that image in my head?  I'm sure that you don't!  If you like '50s drive-in schlock like X: The Unknown or Them, then you'll like this movie.  If you can't stand methodical films in black-and-white, don't bother.  I'll leave you with this image of leering that seems to come right from Madonna's Sex book...

Next up, the director of Rock & Roll Nightmare brings us a film about a demonic rock band.  Sure makes for a good counterpoint, huh?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: REC 2

Are you ready for non-essential SPOILERS?  OREC 2 is a movie with good ideas, but also a lot of bad ones.  The first one involves the idea of making this a 'parallel sequel' like Paranormal Activity 2.  Speaking of which...

The husband who went out for medicine (who was mentioned in the first film) tries to get in.  He eventually sneaks his way in, but a problem comes up.

He runs into our heroes, who have a shoot first and...well, shoot first attitude.

Yeah, he's dead.  His death brings this about...

Uh oh- the film's parallel plots are crossing.  The kids and the firemen get separated from the man before his death.  However, bad luck still follows them...

...as an 'infected' has the fireman up against the wall.  What will the girl do?

If you guessed 'accidentally shoot him in the head,' you'd be right.  Dumb ass.

So, in summary, a man dies for trying to bring medicine to his kid, while a fireman dies for trusting a kid to help him.  Good morality play for sure!

Next up, that dog sure is cute.  Hey- why is that kid looking at him so strange?  Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: Ice Queen

An ice woman from the Amazon- why not?!?  Today's film is Ice Queen, a film about exactly that.  This is certainly a silly premise, but does it make for a silly movie?  Yeah, it pretty much does.  The story involves the titular woman being transported to a Research Lab, but breaking free mid-journey and killing some people at a sky resort.  The film has everything you have come to expect from cheesy schlock.  It has stock characters, a ridiculous premise and a drunk guy with a dog.  All it needs now is some random, pointless nudity.  It has that too?  Super!  If you like stock footage of snow, bad acting and a villain who looks a little like Sigourney Weaver from that 'realistic' Snow White film, this is your film.  If you want to just laugh at what is to come, that's fine too.  Prepare to face the violent (and horny) wrath of the...

The film begins with a bunch of people transporting something important through a field.  A small group of armed men (small being the key) shoot up the place and kidnap the thing.  What are they transporting?  A naked lady, of course.  I mention that she's naked since the movie teases bits of skin during the Title Sequence, but doesn't show anything major.  No, the pointless nudity comes later.  A scientist with a widow's peak takes her on a plane to his research lab.  Meanwhile, we meet our main heroes as they go drink at a bar, celebrating the last day of the skiing season.  A film set in a Ski Resort after the tourists leave- sure sign of a low-budget film!  Despite being in a relationship, our hero gets himself pushed into the arms of a slutty girl at the bar.  They go home together and have sex in a hot tub, giving us the film's pointless nudity.  The only thing that has looked expensive so far are the woman's fake tits, by the way.  The guy goes to his job the next day- which involves him and his friends breaking up packs of snow...with a grenade launcher.  Is that really how you do it?  How do you get permits for that?  By the way, that grenade launcher would probably help when the monster shows up, so, naturally, it's never seen again.  Oh yeah, the monster escapes, causing the plane to crash.

The plane's crash causes an avalanche of stock footage to hit the resort.  According to IMDB, it's from 1999's Avalanche, which seems pretty on-the-nose.  Our heroes are trapped in the resort and they include: lead guy, girlfriend, slutty party girl, black friend, white friend, scientist and 'the bitch.'  I hope you're emotionally-invested in these characters as a good majority of them die at random intervals.  The creature is on the loose, taking out white friend pretty quickly.  No, I'll miss you after your two scenes that added nothing!  To keep the film going without actually showing the monster too much, we get drama as the girlfriend finds out about the slutty party girl's fling with the boyfriend.  It's a constant plot-point to keep the angst going, but serves no other purpose.  I should also mention that slutty party girl explains that nothing happened between them, despite the 'sex montage' we saw earlier.  Either she's lying or the movie was by showing that scene.  We get a romantic tease between black friend and slutty party girl...before he's killed seconds later by the monster.  Thanks for kicking this movie in the ass, Ice Queen.

The remaining characters pretty much get one or two scenes to expand/stagnate their characters.  'The Bitch' confronts the Queen, leading to an oddly-not-erotic catfight.  She dies, however, when the scientist goes completely crazy and starts cackling like Lon Chaney.  The Queen herself gets the hots for our lead actor when she sees him not wearing his coat, leading to his core temperature being lower.  No, really.  This creatures sees in UV and can clearly see detail, but the former supersedes the latter.  I forget to mention the drunk with his dog, didn't I?  They spend all of their scenes walking around away from the main plot and generally doing nothing until The End.  Our heroes make a run for the exit, but slutty party girl dies.  No, you had so much anonymous sex to have!  With the monster still in pursuit, our hero comes up with a silly plan: strip down to his boxers and lure the creature into a hot tub.  Since her body is made out of light ice and her libido is like that of a stray cat, this works, causing her to be melted into Ice Queen bisque.  Mmm...extinct.  In the aftermath, the two leads get engaged and the scientist takes a sample...mere seconds after they leave.  You guys can hear him, can't you?  The End.

Allow me to break the Ice!  The plot of this movie is stupid and, to be honest, is two plots.  The dramatic part with the guy, his friends, slutty party girl (yes, she does have a name) and his girlfriend is completely separate from the plot involving an Ice Age lady who has claws and eats people.  Could we have one without the other?  Couldn't we just have had the creature escape and had commandos/mercenaries/anyone else go hunting it?  The mix of melodrama and monster movie does not work here.  Characters are marked by their lack of personality or their one character trait.  'The Bitch' is that way because she enforces the rules and is mad at our hero for insulting her once off-screen.  Aside from that, the movie is just so full of strange things.  You have the villain knocked out by a hand dryer being turned on (with the power lines being down, by the way).  You have the contrived catfight scene.  You have 'The Bitch' being mean to our hero, but yet still allowing him to run around with a grenade launcher!   There is some fun to be had here (and I got a Poor Bastard of Cinema out of it), so it's not worthless.  It is, however, not exactly going to get my highest recommendation.  Take us away, pointless nudity...

Next up, it's a film about a tree that eats people.  That's all I need to say, quite frankly.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Devil's Sword

A crazy film from Indonesia got a release in Germany.  Not surprisingly, the transition from the two countries made the movie poster kind of weird...

A Medieval version of Hell Comes to Frogtown featuring a guy who doesn't know how to hold a sword?  Alright then.

To see the review of the actual film, go here.

Next up, a famous film about dinosaurs.  Naturally, the poster says that it's actually about an insect.  Stay tuned...

Strange Killers : Hyenas

Is this what we've come to?  

Are there really so many horror films made each year that we have to resort to were-hyenas?  

As a bonus, B-Movie Director/Special Effects guru John Carl Buechler is on hand here too, although as the latter and not the former.  Darn- I was really hoping for another Eden Formula!  

Well, let's see if this film can be salvaged with some star power.  Who's on tap?  

Costas Mandylor and Meschach Taylor.  

Yeah, this movie is doomed.  

All kidding aside, let me give you the basic run-down.  There are Were-hyenas and one guy is trying to kill them.  I guess I should go into more depth than that, huh?  

That's what the rest of this review is for.  Try not to laugh as you watch...

A woman is attacked on a country road by some rednecks with glowing eyes.  

Hillbilly Terminators or something slightly-less silly?

The grieving husband is left to make sense of what happens.  

Thankfully, a cast member from Designing Women is here to explain that it was the work of Were-hyenas.  

By the way, Meschach also begins the film by talking to the audience...or not.  You'll see.

I know that you're dying to see what these things look like, so let me appease you right now.  

Enjoy...

In the least built-up surprise of all-time, the woman that our heroes save from an attack is covered in scratches.  

She's clearly not hiding anything...

Speaking of nudity, the leader of the Were-hyena pack flashes her boobs and dances around during one kill.  

That's...unnecessary...but thank you, I guess.

Do I need a caption for this one?  

Nah- I didn't think so.

For the climax, a bunch of people all go in a cave.  

I'm trying to spare you most of the SPOILERS here, so that's all you get.  Plus, the real reason is just about as silly.

It all comes down to a battle between two female Were-hyenas for the control of the pack.  

Note how one of them didn't sign that waiver to appear naked, so she's only topless when covered in full-body make-up.  

Nice.

The film Ends with more of Meschach talking to us in front of the campfire.  

Of course, he's actually talking to someone else.  So, your Plot Device was not only silly and killed any drama relating to a lead character, but it was also a lie.  

Nice.  

The End.

Ha freaking ha!  The plot of this movie is weird, oddly put together and not that good.  

Essentially, we learn that there are packs of Were-hyenas running around the World that kill people, yet nobody knows about them.  

I'm sorry, but could you maybe scale that idea back a bit.  

If you tried to say that there was some sort of scientific anomaly that caused this or work in some sort of magical curse, I'd buy that.  

However, we are expected to believe that not only do these things exist, but nobody knows about them and only one guy seems to be going after them.  

Now if this is all leading up to the Were-hyenas battling the Were-supials from Howling III, I'll gladly rescind my complaint!  

Overall, the acting is not that good, the Special Effects (mostly the CGI) are cheap, and the pacing is kind of random.  There are some good make-up effects on display here, but those make for good pictures on the DVD box...as opposed to a good movie.  

Good luck with that sequel you clearly want to make (UPDATE- it is 2023 and no Sequel yet!) when your movie has images like this in it...

Next up, a film with a villain with a confusing back-story.  The name is also a pun, so this should be fantastic!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Burglar from Hell

Afraid of break-ins?  Afraid of beings from hell?  Well, you'd better avoid this movie then...

Lurid imagery.  Cheap font.  Random shots of dead people.  This is certainly the kind of movie that certain people love.  Are you one of them?

Up next, I appear to have gone crazy...from blood.  How did this happen?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Psycho IV

Why not end with The Beginning?  

After all this time, I'm finally happy to wrap up the Psycho series, as it hasn't been good since the first film.  

It's been over fifty years since the original, so let's just put an end to all of these sequels.  Unlike the first two sequels, this one doesn't exactly do a lot to make you feel like you're watching a series.  Plot threads are left hanging and none of this just feels right.  

You know why?  

In 1987, someone made a 'back door pilot' for a show called Bates Motel.  

The premise- Norman Bates dies in the Institution and wills the Motel to his cell-mate.  The equally crazy guy was trying to run the place, but the ghosts of it kept rearing their ugly heads.  

The movie did not get good ratings, so the show was never made.  

Anthony Perkins was really upset by this and was instrumental in a 4th film being made to fix this whole thing.

This film is notable for trying to explain in excruciating detail why Bates went crazy and to also bring closure to the whole thing...since the cash-in film/show pilot ruined it.  

With all good intentions, good results do not always come.  To see just how true this is, read on.

We begin with close-up shots of people putting icing on a cake.  I'm sure that's symbolic of something, but I don't know what.  

I should also note that this film is Directed by Mick Garris, proving why he Produced the Masters of Horror series, but did not make films for it.  He also Directed Sleepwalkers.  

Getting back on track, we see a radio show (consider that phrase for a moment) which is discussing the topic of Matricide.  We meet a man who killed his Mother and his grandfather who doesn't seem to mind so much.  

Rather than covering this more interesting tale, we get Norman calling in.  Come back, come back!  

He proceeds to tell the tale of his first kill, which is basically five minutes of filler of a girl hitting on him for no good reason.  

After showing off her breasts, she wanders into Norman's mother's room and gets killed by Norman in his silly outfit.

Norman continues to tell stories of his past to the host (C.C.H. Pounder), while her Station Manager (John Landis) looks on.  

As a side note, Landis played a Radio Technician in 1989's Spontaneous Combustion, while he plays a Radio Station Manager in this 1990 film- odd.  

As far as the plot goes, we get a bunch of scenes of young Norman (the real star here) and his mother (Olivia Hussey).  She does lots of weird things with him, including making him toss his 'porn' out in the rain and making him dress up like a girl, whereupon she locks him in the closet.  

All of this is weird...but not scary.  

Garris throws some odd flourishes in here, like Perkins looking out the window and seeing a flashback taking place.  Either he's crazy or we all are now!  

In between those scenes, we get stuff like Norman talking to his new lady friend (the irony abounds here!) and the people at the Station figuring out that it's Bates calling them.  

Gee- they must be Detectives or something!  

They keep Norman on the line as he recounts more of his past, including this Top Gun-style showdown with his new stepdad.

Do you really care what happens next?  

You do?  

Fine- I'll continue.  

We see more scenes of Norman and his mother.  Eventually, he poisons the boyfriend and this leads to a confrontation with Mom.  

Remember how the Writer said in Psycho III how the sister killed the boyfriend and mother?  

Well, that's a lie.  

Plot hole or planning- you decide.  

In The End, Norman and his lady friend go to the Motel to give this film a climax.  

As they set the place ablaze, Mom makes a couple more random cameos...just because before her long-dead corpse starts yelling at...um, someone.  

If Norman can hear her, he's doing a good job of ignoring her.  Is the movie implying that we're all crazy?  

Of course, I did just watch Psycho III and IV in one sitting, so they may be right.  The End.

At this point, I need treatment.  

The plot of this movie is a sad, sad joke.  Seriously, what is the point of this?  

Did we need 90 minutes explaining how Norman's mother did a bad job raising him?  No.  

Pretty much everything here is either pointless (most of the Mom scenes), filler (most of the scenes in the Radio Station) or just ruin things.  

For example, having Norman kill this random girl probably sounded neat in theory.  

In reality, it takes away from the impact of the first film, as you now know that he was apparently doing murders for years.  

Nobody seems all that interested in being here, save for Hussey's over-the-top acting.  

You're a good actress, but I guess anyone can be dragged down by crap like this.  

If you want to watch a Psycho film, watch Psycho.  

If you are forced to watch a Psycho sequel, I guess make it II.  

It's not really a great film, but it's much harder to hate than this dreck.  Are you proud of yourself, Landis?

Next up, another week of Strange Killers.  First on the block, John Carl Buechler brings us a film about were-hyenas.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Beyond Atlantis

Atlantis is a city that is famous for being lost.  It's also 99% sure to be fake.  That hasn't stopped films like this though...

A hot blonde surrounded by slaves with googly-eyes?  A title that implies that it's going to involve lust?  Does anyone really think that the film will be this interesting?

Oh right- can't we ever get beyond Atlantis?  Sorry, but I'm required to make that joke.

Next up, one of the classic Corman posters for his barbarian films.  This one is all about the ladies though.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Psycho III

At long last, I've reached the final chapter of Anthony Perkins- Director.  Much like William Peter Blatty, he only Directed two films.  The similarities don't end there as it is hard to argue that Psycho is not Perkins' series (as much as it is Hitchcock's or Bloch's).  

Unlike those two people, he did not have the common sense to stay away from the Film Series after the first one.  Now, if they had adapted Bloch's novel of Psycho II, that would be another story.  

With all that said, here is what you need to know.  Bates has returned to the motel, but got into trouble with Marion Crane's sister.  In The End, she was given all of the blame for the recent crimes, while Bates remained free.  

As a bonus, his real mother came to him...and he promptly killed her.  All caught up?  Good.  Prepare for the dull wrath of...

Rather than beginning with Bates, we begin at a Church in the middle of nowhere.  A depressed nun is threatening to kill herself since 'there is no God.'  She ends up kind-of-sort-of shoving the Mother Superior to her death, whereupon she leaves.  I guess Catholics don't believe in cops!  

She ends up taking a ride with a drifter (Jeff Fahey), who makes a move on her.  When she says 'no,' he kicks her out.  

We finally meet Bates as he's living in his house and has taken up Taxidermy.  In a gross moment, he uses the same spoon he is scooping up saw dust with to scoop up peanut butter.  Thanks, Perkins!  

A woman shows up in town looking to do a story on Bates, which makes the Sheriff and Diner Owner none too pleased.  Bates sees the depressed nun and has a thing for her, since her initials on her suitcase are M.C.  

In another convenient event, Fahey shows up at the Bates Motel looking for work, whereupon he gets hired.  Perkins decides to indulge in a little symbolism...

The woman shows up at the Bates Motel and gets Suite #1, the same one that Marion Crane had in the first film.  Bates has a little freak-out and talks to 'Mom' about the situation.  'She' convinces him to put on the dress and wig (which looks silly on a 54 year-old Perkins) and kill the lady.  

As he opens the curtains, however, he sees that she has slashed her wrists.  In a silly moment, she sees Norman as the Virgin Mary, which is a sad attempt to make this seems serious. 

 By the way, Norman calls the cops and gets her to a hospital quickly...but still finds time to take off the outfit and stash it somewhere.  

It's amazing to think that she lived! 

Around this time, Fahey meets up with the writer and agrees to give any information on Norman to her. Norman, meanwhile, decides to both go after the sad nun, while also indulging in some murder.  

The first on the chopping block is a random 'bar fly' who gets dumped by Fahey.

Things continue to compound, although they do so pretty slowly.  The writer continues to look into Norman's missing mother and learns out some interesting facts.  

Conveniently enough, the last number she called was Norman's and he picks up the phone.  Having seen Psycho II, I don't recall that phone call- continuity error? 

We get some more for the body count as a woman is killed for, well, using the bathroom.  The writer and Fahey give the Nun the info on Norman, which seems to turn her against him.  Moments later, she covers for him...alright.  

Norman's Mom goes missing and he finds it in Fahey's room.  A fight breaks out after Fahey tries to blackmail him, leading to the man being knocked out with his guitar.  
Get it- he kept telling people not to touch it and then it was used to kill him!  He stays alive long enough to fight with Bates & finally dies after the car crashes into a lake.  
See- it's just like the first movie.  

The writer confronts Norman at the house, but arrives too late to save the Nun from falling down the stairs (just like the Detective in the first film) and dying.  The guy loses his nerve after the writer reveals that his 'mom' is really his aunt and he gets arrested, with the Sheriff doing pulling a '180' on the 'Don't bother Norman' thing.  

He is taken away, but has time for one last reference to the original (better) film.  The End.

The third time is not the charm.  Ignoring that obvious line, the plot of this film has potential, but gets too mired in its own back story.  

I should give them credit for building off of the second film, as opposed to just doing something new.  The problem here is obvious: the plot of Psycho II sucks!  It rehashes a lot of things and adds nothing of real substance.  

The original film is great- just leave that alone!  

For all the complaints leveled at Gus Van Sant's remake, he didn't change anything.  Admittedly, he also didn't change things, but my point still has some validity.  

The acting here is alright, although Perkins fluctuates a bit too much for him to be believable as someone who is considered to be 'sane.'  His random freak outs and twitches should not go this unnoticed!  

Of course, you can't entirely blame an Actor for a bad performance- you also have to blame the Director.  Unlike William Shatner, Perkins did not get a good performance out of himself because he didn't respect himself so much.  

Futurama references aside, Perkins apparently has admitted that he wasn't up to being a Director- a fact that I won't protest.  

The bottom line- the film is not the worst thing to happen to the Psycho license.  I'm talking about that film tomorrow.

Up next, the final film in the series- thank God.  It's part sequel and part prequel, but all bad.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Watchers (1986)

At long last, it's here!  For whatever reason, MGM decided to not make any more of the Midnite Movie DVD sets.  As a result, the Watchers/Watchers II DVD became quite a bit overpriced.  To make matters worse (for many reasons), the lead actor in the film (Corey Haim) died, which I'm sure didn't help the price of the DVD get any lower.  To compensate, I spent about $4 to get Watchers II on VHS, but couldn't find a price on this film.  Lo and behold, it ended up on Netflix's Streaming Service, allowing me to finally see it.  Was it worth the wait?  Well, the movie is good, but it has some structural issues that I will address a bit later on.  All you need to know are these four words: Corey Haim, dog and monster.  Together, let's find out who watches the...

A factory explodes, seemingly killing all that is inside.  A man (Michael Ironside) is hired to track down two test subjects that escaped- a dog and a monster.  For no clear reason, the monster hates the dog.  Yeah, this film never actually explains this.  Does the book explain this maybe?  We meet our hero (Haim), who tries to get to second base with his girlfriend before dad shows up.  Damn you, family!  Things get worse as the monster shows up and kills the dad, wounding the daughter in the process.  The dog ends up in Haim's truck as he leaves and he ends up with it.  He finds out that the dog is smarter than most people in Texas, so the mom agrees to let him stay.  Watch for Jason Priestly as one of three 'Boys on Bikes' around this point too.  Meanwhile, Ironside continues his search for the dog, enlisting the local law enforcement to help him out.  This plot thread has a point for a bit, but just ends abruptly.

The middle portion of the film breaks down into a few key things...
* The monster shows up and kills people without actually revealing itself for more than a nanosecond.  This includes Priestly.
* The police (with Ironside) show up and talk about what happened.
* The dog proves that he's smart.
* Haim is concerned about his girlfriend and looks for her.  He does find time for this however...

Everything comes to a head in the Third Act...as it should.  Finally pressed for answers over what has happened, Ironside tells the whole story to the Sheriff...and then kills him.  Couldn't you have just killed him?  Ironside captures Haim's mother, who finds out that the girlfriend is alive and well.  Haim ends up at a cabin and buys a bunch of guns to take out the monster.  At some point, Don S. Davis shows up as a Veterinarian- just like that!  All of the characters show up in the same location and the deaths start piling up.  Ironside and his partner die a bloody death just before the monster shows up.  It knocks the dog around, so Haim takes the fight out into the Woods.  He seemingly-kills the creature, but, as a slasher villain, it has one last hurrah.  It dies the second time.  The End.

That's one silly monster!  The plot of this movie is simple, yet fairly-effective.  It has all of the basic elements that a movie needs (monster, love plot, family) and pretty much just covers its bases.  Beyond that, it doesn't do a whole lot.  The characters are basic, the scenarios are basic and the violence is pretty basic as well.  There are a lot of characters that exist just to die, which means that they are pretty one-dimensional.  I would love to tell you that characters like 'The Boyfriend with an Australian Accent' were important, but I'd be lying. That said, people like Ironside and Haim make the film pretty enjoyable, even if it is pretty simple.  I'd recommend this one over the first sequel quite easily.  As for Watchers III and Watchers Reborn, Netflix will need to start carrying them before I can tell you what I think.  Want to get on that at some point, guys?  I leave you with this interesting name in the Stunt Department...

Up next, the other sequel to Psycho.  Anthony Perkins is on board to Direct here, so he gets pretty much all of the blame.  Stay tuned...
   

Stock Footage Hell: Slumber Party Massacre III

Leave it to Roger Corman to re-use footage from a film that is already about 40% stock footage.  That movie- Deathstalker II.

During the film's climax, the killer has been blinded, so one girl decides to trick him by turning on the TV behind him.  What's playing on the TV?  Why, it's the Jim Wynorski film.  Check out this shot of 'new' Deathstalker appearing to stare at the young women's asses.

I always knew that Deathstalker would save the day!  He's just that awesome.

I also feel like noting that Jim Wynorski (the Director of Deathstalker II) went on to Direct Cheerleader Massacre in 2003.  It was bound to happen soon enough!

Rare Flix: Slumber Party Massacre 3

Well, it's not Slumber Party Massacre II!  After that last movie, my expectations have lowered quite a bit.  Mind you, the first film was a mindless slasher film, but it at least made sense.  So what does this film do to make itself better?  Well, for starters, it's not a dream.  Hallelujah!  Seriously, I am so relieved to hear this that I'm possibly willing to ignore the movie's numerous flaws.  I mean, I'm not going to, but I was almost willing to.  The plot has numerous holes, the pacing is still off and the villain is...well, confusing.  What motivates him?  That's the kind of question that should be leveled at the Writer, but I'll try my best to answer it.  He does it to....um, kill people.  I'll get into more depth below.  Put on your lacy underwear and blood packs for one last...

Our heroes and heroines have a Volleyball game on the beach.  They see a creepy guy and a hot guy.  Guess which one is the killer and which one is the Red Herring- it's a fun game.

Just like the last movie, the girls dance around and two of them (one of whom is Maria Ford) strip down.  If you like repetition, then you'll love this...

FOR THE THIRD FREAKING MOVIE, the guys spy on the girls and show up unannounced.  You can set your watch by this movie's plot points!

It's an '80s slasher film (technically, this was made in 1990), so we have some sex and sluts before the murders start.  I should mention that this girl is in her friend's house, so...eww.

 Could this man be the killer behind all of what has happened so far?

No, it's the jock guy.  You weren't seriously thinking that it was that guy above were you.  This guy is crazy because his uncle was a cop and committed suicide recently.  He has targeted these people because....um...the alignment of the Sun and Moon?

He takes care of most of the cast in the ensuing twenty minutes.  Most of them are bloody, but one guy dies from just being clocked across the face with the non-spinning drill.  What the hell?!?

After a long, drawn-out sequence with running, hiding and a cameo by Deathstalker II (more on that later), the killer is taken out with his own drill.  I should mention that this film was also Directed by a woman.  The End.

I love a plot, but could you actually explain any of it?  The movie's plot is just kind of there, never really excelling or failing all that much.  Nobody is all that motivated, nobody is all that interesting and nobody is all that important.  Characters are set up and then tossed aside.  One of the guys is given a burgeoning romance, but killed off in the next scene.  That served no purpose.  I should also mention the ancillary characters like the Pizza Girl (more on her later), the Peeping Neighbor, The Stalker (who is killed off for no reason) and the Policemen.  Almost none of them serve a real purpose and just eat up screen time.  To be fair, many of the deaths are bloody and they are spaced out better.  This isn't like the last film spending fifty-plus minutes building up nothing and suddenly three people dying in a matter of moments.  The first film is famous for its ironic origins, the second one is notable for being a mess and this one...is just kind of there.  On the plus side, I'm done with this series.  Now I can move on to Sorority House Massacre I and II, Hard to Die and Cheerleader Massacre I and II- someone help me!  I'll leave you with a contrast between the additional footage shot for the film (below) and how it was spliced in awkwardly...

 * Original footage below *

Next up, a hard-to-find film is available on streaming.  As a bonus, I already did it's sequel...for some reason. Stay tuned...