Forgotten Sequels: Turbulence 3- Heavy Metal

After all of this time, it's time to finally bid au dieu to the Turbulence series.  

What exactly did it accomplish?  

Well, the first film rejuvenated Ray Liotta's career for a while and helped make Lauren Holly into a serious actress.  The second film proved that Jennifer Beals could continue to make sub-par stuff long after her brightest days were over.  

What do we get out of this film?  

Well, for one thing, we get Craig Sheffer proving that you can be in two films in a series, play a different part and have nobody call you on it.  

Seriously, he is in Turbulence 2 and 3, but not as the same guy!  

Thankfully, they killed him off in Dracula II, lest he try to show up in Dracula III as well.  

The plot is ludicrous, stupid and unique.  Basically, we get a bit of drama in the sky, but with a rock & roll star, Satanists and that guy from The Hitcher.  It's an interesting mess, I'll give it that!  This is...

The movie spends roughly the first ten minutes setting everything up and eventually remembers to give us a title screen.  

In a nutshell, a rock & roll star who's clearly not supposed to be Marilyn Manson is going to do a live concert on the plane via the internet.  

Meanwhile, an FBI agent played by Burn Notice's Gabrielle Anwar catches a super-hacker (Sheffer), but he gives her some information to slow her pursuit of justice down.  He has some information about a group of Satanists that have gone off the radar and may be up to some misdeeds.  

But wait, what does that have to do with the concert?  

On the plane, there is a lot of build-up to the show, including one of the most tired cliches of all time.  We are *treated* to a scene where we cut from some rock music (supposedly that of the fake band) to the band sitting around with classical music.  

Ha ha- it's funny because they're different!  

The first song is pretty generic, but it ends with a man being tossed into an electric chair.  Wow, now we're ripping off Alice Cooper too!  The crowd eats it up, but the singer goes off-stage, forcing the people running the show to stall.  

Why?  Is something amiss?

Because the live show is losing viewers, the reporter finally coerces the singer to come back.  Instead of singing, however, he waves a gun around in the fan's faces.  

Naturally, they have no problem with that and actually enjoy it.  What can I say?  Metal fans are weird.  

The co-pilot goes shows up and gets shot...but it's a blank.  

Afterward, he threatens more fans and shoots the pilot again, but it's real this time!  Psych, Mr. Co-Pilot!  

He proceeds to hold the plane hostage, a situation not helped by the sudden presence of a storm in the area.  Anwar and Scheffer see some footage of a man being shot in the back, which causes them to call in the cavalry.  

Naturally, this consists of some random extras in the control tower and Joe Mantegna.  How well does that work out?  

Well, one control tower gets blown up, so you tell me.  Thankfully, Joe is still around to be bland and disinterested in even being on screen- hurray!  

Back at the hacker's place, they learn a big secret: the rocker with the gun is not the real deal.  

The band finds this out when they turn on him and pull off his wig, revealing him to be some Satanist guy.  

In a twist right out of Turbulence II, however, the lady reporter reveals herself to be evil and retakes control.  How redundant and stupid!

So why does someone want to hijack a plane full of rock stars and groupies?  

As it turns out, they have a really stupid plan that they need it for.  After deciphering clues left on the Satanist's web page, Anwar and Scheffer learn that they are going to fly it to Kansas and crash it into some abandoned church that is apparently an evil place.  

How evil is it?  Well, apparently, the Pope refused to even fly over it...for some reason.  

The real rocker breaks out and manages to turn himself into our hero.  He defeats his impersonator in mere seconds and faces off with the reporter/Satanist.  While he tries not to kill her, she ends up being shot and killed.  Finally, he has a face-off with the Captain (Rutger Hauer) who is also a Satanist!

Apparently, this airline has a shitty screening process!!!  Again, the man inadvertently kills the Captain, something done to make him likable, I guess.   

In a scene right out of Turbulence and, well, Airplane 1-2, he is given instructions on how to fly the plane from a controller.   

No, that makes too much sense.  He's actually given it by Scheffer's character!  

His rescue plan is interrupted by the return of the impersonator for one last showdown.  This one is actually back-and-forth but ends with the Satanist being knocked out again.  

To make a long story short (too late), the guy manages to land the plane, but only after the movie teases us with a bleak ending.  Screw you for that, movie- that's cheap.

This is not much better than Turbulence II, which I guess should be no surprise.  

The movie has a more interesting premise than that film, although that one did manage to throw in 800 plot twists in to spice it up.  This film sets up a ludicrous plot but serves it up in really banal fashion.  I mean, the Satanists look like normal people and just either shoot people or fight them.  

I guess I was expecting something more interesting from a film called Turbulence III: Heavy Metal!  The acting is pretty mediocre across the board, save for a decent performance by Hauer.  

That brings up the bigger point: why would you hire him for this role?  You want to make your movie interesting?  Hire Rutger Hauer as a crazy Satanist waving a gun around, as opposed to making him an evil airline pilot.  

This movie wreaks of direct-to-video crap- it's lazy, dumb and fails to live up to its potential.  

Seriously, this is a movie about evil Satanists taking over a plane full of rock stars- this should at least be funny!

Up next, The Howling series goes off in a new direction...and continent.  Does it work or will I bark foul?  Stay tuned...

***UPDATED*** Lost in Translation: The Thing

John Carpenter's claustrophobic remake of The Thing From Outer Space manages to surpass the original in many ways.  Of course, according to Japan, it's weird as hell.  See for yourself...

Wow, there's thinking outside of the box- and then there's this!  I mean, the world is an egg that has space tentacles coming out of it?  Okay then.

Now let's see how the Original looked befor all my meddling...

Next up, Japan's attempt to screw up our horror films continues with their poster to Rob Zombie's first film.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Mimic 3- Sentinel

Is there any clear sign before you even make a film that it's going to turn out bad?  I have a theory and a website that seems to corroborate this.  Here's the thesis: if you're making a bad, cash-in sequel and you hire Lance Henriksen, your movie will end usually up bad.  Case in point: The Mangler 2.  If you think that it's merely a fluke, I have another example: Alone in the Dark II.  Still think that I'm crazy?  Here are some films not necessarily reviewed on this page: The Omen II, Alien Vs Predator, House III: The Horror Show, No Contest II, Piranha II: The Spawning, Hellraiser: Hellworld and Screamers: The Hunting.  The prosecution rests, your honor!  Why do I mention all of this?  Well, Lance Henriksen is in this movie too and it sucks.  The bulk of the film is a rip-off of Rear Window and actually attempts to build suspense about what is going on.  Gee, this is the THIRD Mimic film, so I'm going to guess that it involves giant bugs.  Seriously, why did they do this?  All it does it make the film move at a crawl (no pun intended).  Still reading after all of that?  If so, check out my full review of...

The film begins by setting up the simple premise that it has: a physically-sick man watches his neighbors all of the time due to his inability to go outside.  Try to remember this, even when the movie decides to have two scenes where he actually goes outside!  Apparently he has some rare disorder related to the infestation of Judas Bugs from the original Mimic.  Well, that's still a better pretense for this being a sequel than Mimic 2 getting the fourth-tier character to come back.  They are also quick to establish that he has a rather unhealthy obsession with categorizing the pictures of his neighbors.  His wall of them actually makes Robin Williams' collection from One Hour Photo look small by comparison.  In addition, he has a quirky habit of guessing their names when he doesn't actually know them.  For example, he calls the weird man who is always near the trash 'Garbageman' and calls the honor student 'Number One Son.'  There's only one 'Number One Son' and he's related to Charlie Chan...dammit!  He begins to suspect that things are getting weird as the dad to 'Number One Son' changes his attitude from nice to angry.  Hmm...

The first thing that's actually interesting to happen involves the young nurse he's been photographing being brought over by his sister in order for them to hook up.  Yes, invite this mysterious woman in to have sex with your gravely-ill, 24-year old brother!  The second interesting thing happens when the girl's boyfriend/drug dealer gets killed by a mysterious creature after a drug deal with the 'nice old lady.'  Gee, why don't you just tell us that they're bugs.  Even if I didn't know that this was Mimic 3, it's based on the short story of the same name!  The real reason: they don't want to spend their CG budget just yet, so the bugs are just tall men in all-black.  They call in the murder, but fail to take pictures of anything due to their fright.  You take pictures of every banal detail of these people's lives, but can't do it when something actually happens?!?  A cop comes over and basically ignores their story, although he does find one thing interesting: their mother.  Faster than you can say 'this is a dumb sub-plot,' the cop and the mother have hooked up.  We are even treated to a scene where he tries to warn the cop about something going on, but this requires him to interrupt some off-screen sex.  I'd rather see the bugs, thank you!

After a long freaking wait, the movie finally comes to its sense and has shit happen.  The woman and the sister look into 'Garbageman's' apartment, but find nothing.  A few scenes show the neighbors being taken out by the bugs, but always when our hero is not looking.  He stumbles across a book showing a scientist looking into the Judas Bugs (Lance Henriksen) and learns that he is 'Garbageman.'  After the old lady and the cop are killed by the bugs (finally, some CG action!), Lance and his comrades are seen outside making some sort of deal.  Fun fact: one of the men is played by the mustachioed Lieutenant from Subspecies II-IV and he's credited as 'Mustache.'  Good to see that things are working out, buddy!  A bunch of them get killed and Lance gets his hand messed up.  This doesn't stop him from wielding a shotgun though, as he locks the wounded sister in the trunk and takes the woman with him to our heroes' apartments.  He sets the place up as a trap, but all of this does is get the mother killed by a bug.  The things try to break through as the movie blatantly contradicts itself by saying that 'the bugs are evolving.'  Um, in the last two films, they took human forms- here they are just bugs.  The woman gets wounded and our heroes hides out in the refrigerator, but only after setting up a MacGuyver-style bomb with the oven.  The whole place blows up & he's reunited with the woman at a hospital.  The End.

Yeah, this is not a good movie either.  Considering the stuff that Lance ends up in, this is no surprise.  Sorry, Lance- you're a good actor with a shitty agent.  This movie is a blatant rip-off of Rear Window and actually has the gall to reference it as well!  Seriously, stop pointing out better films for me to watch.  In all honesty, this premise has potential and could be used in a lot of interesting ways.  Here, however, it is just a pretense to drag out the story, not show you any CG and just generally waste your time.  Seriously, we know what the bug monsters look like, so what's the point in trying to build up suspense about them now?!?  The only way that this would be clever if it all built up to them being bugs, but revealed them to be something else.  Since this movie is not clever, we just get the stupid bugs cutting people up.  Wow, that's unique!  I will say one thing: Lance is the best thing about this movie, not to discount the supporting role by 'Mustache.'  Like a lot of these movies, Lance is only in this movie due to his relative star status and has barely anything to do.  If you're going to do this crap, at least put someone like Art LeFleur.  After all, this guy is going to star in Dahmer vs. Gacy- he definitely has no better options!

Next up, I wrap up another trilogy with Turbulence 3.  What does it have that's unique?  Heavy metal rockers in flight, that's what!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Invisible Maniac

They say that being invisible can make you go crazy.  Why?  I'd personally enjoy a little privacy, but whatever.  Let's just see how well this guy took it...

I don't think he took it well.  On the plus side, this does seem to combine Zapped with the one thing it was missing: intentional molestation.  Hurray?

Next up, a bad-looking monster on a VHS box.  This could describe half of these updates...but it also describes the next one too.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Hills Have Eyes, Part II

Wes Craven is a major name in the horror market, but does that make everything he does good?  

The short answer: no.  

Mind you, I've only covered some of his more obtuse films on this site, such as Deadly Friend and Music of the Heart.  

Speaking of movies that people don't always want to associate with Wes Craven, here is the cash-in sequel to his cult classic film The Hills Have Eyes.  

Made in 1985, there is a noticeable time gap between the two films.  What are you, the Rush Hour series?  

So, what has changed between the two films' time periods, you ask?  

Well, Jupiter is still dead, but Pluto has somehow survived getting his throat torn out by a dog.  That radiation has some good side effects, huh?  

A new killer is in town and running the clan...of one other guy.  You guys really need to start recruiting!  

As far as normal people being carried over, you get two, but one of them is a part smaller than The Sinful Dwarf.  

The biggest thing to note: this movie loves flashbacks.  

It's a blatant bit of time filler and leads to one of the dumbest moments in the history of screenwriting.  Curious?  Check out my review of...

The film begins with Billy- the older boy from the original film- having a therapy session to deal with his lingering fears.  

Wow, real psychological ramifications in a horror series- this is looking up.  

As soon as I think that, he has a flashback, showing us the entire scene where they kill Jupiter.  It's easy to spot this as stock footage even if you haven't seen the original- guilty.  

Why?  Because that film has more grain on it than in a damn silo! 

I'm sure that there is some restored and/or Blu-Ray version of this, but I'm watching this Streaming, so I get the shit version.  

After this, his psychiatrist encourages to him not avoid the desert and to go out with his friends for a bike race.  

The man, you see, has invented some sort of super-fuel for bikes and they want to show it off at the race.  

Their goal: to find a buyer for it, get rich and retire.  

You guys are like 25!  

Anyhow, we are treated to a weird scene where a man in a ghoul mask seemingly breaking into a house.  

As it turns out, it's his girlfriend's house and she's blind.  That was, um, random.  

They meet up with their other friends, including a black couple and an idiot who crashes his bike into a convenient pile of boxes for his introduction.  

You're going to be our serious character, aren't you?

Before the group goes out, Billy decides that he just can't go.  Thanks for your needless cameo, buddy!  

The rest of the group goes out in their big, red bus & stops to pick Beast, the dog from the original.  That's an awfully vibrant dog for being over ten years old!  

On the bus ride there, the idiot guy who crashed earlier, is driving the bus and telling a wild tale of...The Hills Have Eyes.  Yeah, apparently everyone knows the tale.  

Did Billy write a book about it or something?  

How does everyone know about this event that only a few people survived?  Answer me, Wes!  

The story causes a woman named Rachel to have a flashback to Ruby saving the baby from Jupiter and Pluto.  

Gee, I wonder how she remembers that?  

Unfortunately, our group runs into a problem caused by one Ben Franklin.  That's right- they're running late due to them not adjusting their clocks for Daylight Saving's Time! 

 You've got to be freaking kidding me, movie!!!  

All of this is a set-up to them deciding to go off the paved road and take a shortcut.  They're in such a hurry that they stop the bus to discuss what they have to do.  

To make a long story short, they all take the dirt road, have another flashback and end up puncturing their gas tank.  They have just enough gas to get to a tiny shed.  

To quote a Mr. Ackbar: 'It's a trap!!!'

The movie tries to cram a lot into its second and third act, so I'll be brisk.  

After wandering around for a long time, Rachel/Ruby gets attacked by Pluto (Micheal Berryman), who promptly gets his ass-kicked by her, but manages to hit her and run away.  

Later, he steals the bike of our heroes (or his stunt double does) and we get a bit of time filler in the form of a race.  

While they're gone, we get the movie's dumbest moment: Beast has a flashback! 

 No, really.  

The dog has a flashback...which we see.

Our heroes get split up and the lead guy captures Pluto, but his friend gets killed by a trap.  

We learn that the new boss in the area is The Reaper & he allows Pluto to escape, which leads to our hero being captured...and not killed.  

The others linger around for a bit, the black couple of have sex and the movie finally starts killing off people- and fast!  In a series of scenes, everyone save for the blind girl, our hero, Rachel and Beast.  A double-team effort from our hero and Beast leads to Pluto's death, while Reaper stalks the blind girl.  Using her movie-based 'blind girl senses,' she eludes death rather easily.  Yeah, you're a killing machine.  

In a bit of laziness, Rachel/Ruby and Beast just sort of disappear from the film- um, okay.  

Our two heroes set-up a Rube Goldbergian trap to kill Reaper, which involves a rock, fire and an exploding bus.  They are alive but have no way home.  The End.

This movie is really not good.  

For one thing, it is obsessed with showing you the interesting parts of The Hills Have Eyes, which makes you realize how much shit this film is.  

They also edit the footage to cut around the bit where Pluto gets killed- lame.  

The actual story is dumb and only relies on our heroes being dumber than a bag of rocks!  

They drive over rocks in a bus, don't know that buses can use diesel fuel and decide to wander around instead of getting somewhere.  

They got into this mess by being in a hurry, but now they have time to meander.  

Pluto is pretty good in his role, although he is made to look like a complete moron.  The evil, killing machine manages to get beaten up by a girl, captured by a jerk, bitten by a dog and killed in a stupid way.  

You want to know how to kill a scary character?  Check out this movie for the answer.  

The Reaper is alright in his scenes, although he is mostly just a mindless brute.  The kills themselves lack a lot of logic, including the bit where the giant guy hides under a bus & where he sets up a trap, while he's apparently not even in the building!  T

his movie is a giant waste of time and actually makes me yearn for the recent remakes (2024 me- not anymore!).  

Say what you will, but the first one nails the gritty atmosphere much better than this shit!  To quote Carl ILHM, it's 'a best left forgotten sequel.'

Up next, I close up the Mimic trilogy- sort of- with a film that blatantly rips off a Hitchcock classic.  Don't worry- it still has giant bugs too.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: The Cell 2

Seriously, why did you make this movie?  Were there any unresolved plot threads from that movie that you had to address?  No.  Besides, you didn't actually make a sequel to this movie- you just made your own crap and called it a sequel.  This film does involve the FBI and tracking of a serial killer, so I guess that's enough of a connection.  Then again, it could very well be Saw XIV for that matter!  Yes, they will eventually get that far- you know it's true.  Anyhow, this involves our heroine using her barely-explained and extremely-specific psychic powers to track down a killer.  Being a cheap, direct-to-video movie, it has bad acting, a low budget and green screen effects pulled right out of an Amscot commercial.  Why do I bother?  Oh right- because I live to please.  Will you be as pleased as me?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a silly bit of narration explaining that the FBI hires psychics- no, they don't- to find serial killers- not true- and that Jennifer Lopez's character was one of them & this story is about another.  Wow, could you have phoned that in anymore?  I guess it's still better than Hobgoblin 2's plan of being a remake that also acknowledges some of the events of the first film, but has the character just not remember it!  After a ton of aerial footage of Utah's big plains and hills, we get our plot explained.  The film's serial killer is a man named The Cusp.  Why?  Well, they'll explain that in about thirty minutes, so hang tight.  Our heroine is riding in a helicopter with her boss and using what looks like a Bluetooth headset to try and get a fix on the killer.  How can she do this?  They'll explain that in about forty minutes, so hang tight for that too.  On the ground, a squadron of cop cars are driving underneath them.  Our heroine narrows his location down, which apparently requires the helicopter to land for a moment to explain this to them and start flying again.  Um, what?  Despite her boss's warnings, she attempts to access the killer's mind and see what he sees.  What actually happens, however, is she manages to see from every angle except his own eyes.  We're like ten minutes in, guys, could you try to not suck so bad.  Anyways, the killer spots her...somehow and they rush in, only to find the girl dead.  You didn't surround it, huh?

The film gives a '1 Year Later' tag and shows a couple having sex.  Thanks, movie- I was wondering if the girl had breasts!  After that pointless T&A, she gets captured by The Cusp and the cops investigate the scene.  Right away, 'The Scooby-Doo Rule' tells you who the killer will be.  Will it be nameless cop, nameless coroner or that character actor we all can recognize.  Hmm, I wonder.  The FBI gets called in and the boss goes to get our heroine back on the trail.  It turns out that she quit at some point and became a pet detective.  She does the usual 'I can't go back, not after what happened' speech, which is ruined by some shit writing.  She says 'I've chased him for the last three years,' which goes against that whole '1 Year Later' thing!  She agrees to go and gets the lowdown on the case.  Meanwhile, we see The Cusp has the girl in his clutches and he goes over his M.O. a bit.  Basically, he kills people through various means- electrocution, etc- and then revives them.  As we learn later, he's done this to 23 different women and our heroine was one of them.  He mistook her for dead, however, and dumped her body, which gave her psychic powers...somehow.  He shows his sadistic side, but the girl does her best to resist.  Naturally, she turns out to be related to the Sheriff.  Hurray.

A lot happens in the last forty minutes or so, so let me get right to it.  The Cusp plants evidence that suggests the Sheriff to be the killer, but our heroine believes him and helps him escape.  We set up a love sub-plot that meanders a bit, while the killer randomly decides to reveal himself to be...Frank Whaley- duh!  His calm demeanor suddenly becomes manic, since Frank can only play that- good consistency.  Eventually, they track him down by figuring out who's buying needles in bulk.  He sets up the girl by getting her to go into his mind, whereupon he proceeds to drug her...which traps her, apparently.  The cop and the lead FBI agent show up via helicopter, but Frank somehow manages to beat up the Sheriff who's six inches taller and outweighs him!  In his mind, he explains some bullshit about how he learned Psychology and has blocked the image of himself from her.  The killer flees to the helicopter, but the Sheriff hops on.  In the man's mind, the girl blinds him...somehow and he sets it down.  A showdown between the Sheriff and the killer occurs & our heroine manages to get free of his mind.  Just in time too, since he gets shot in the head by our hero.  Using some weird psychic crap, she locks him in his mind and exploits his fear of the dark- really- to doom him.  Um, he's dead honey.  Oh yeah, they proceed to make out right in front of the corpse.  The End.

This movie is very much not good!  The plot is silly, the acting is generally not good and the whole thing just feels dumb.  I mean, this is really not The Cell 2.  If anything, this is a shitty film version of Second Sight (look it up)!  In a lot of ways, this reeks of an Asylum release, what with the name similarity and the casting of a woman who vaguely looks like Jennifer Lopez...if you're Helen Keller.  The biggest star of the film is Frank Whaley, a character actor who most people will recognize, but will not really be sure why.  The plot has the two-fold problem of not explaining things and explaining them...but in stupid ways.  They take forever to explain our heroines powers, which is annoying, but when they actually do explain it, it's shit.  Seriously, nearly dying several times gives you magical brain powers?  Bull-shit.  The whole idea of this killer is a bit dumb as well, as he's apparently obsessed with recording people's dying moments.  That's interesting on paper- just like the name The Cusp- but does not work well on screen.  Have we all not learned the lesson of The Exorcist II- not everything works on film!  I think that The Cell is a film that barely passes the test of time, but this film is dated shit- it was made in 2009!

Up next, Forgotten Sequel Week begins with a look at a rare sequel to a Wes Craven film.  I hope you like flashbacks!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: The Five Doctors Special

The Doctor Who series has spanned nearly fifty years now, with only about ten or so of those spent not on the air.  With 12 different actors officially playing the part over the years and at least a half-dozen doing so unofficially (i.e. Peter Cushing's film Doctor), the legacy of it is huge.  So it's only natural that the BBC has tried to make good use of this legacy for works such as The Two Doctors, The Three Doctors and today's film.

The plot is pretty simple, at least as far as Doctor Who stories go.  All five Doctors are plucked from time- a benefit of doing a time-travel show- and forced to work together to solve a common problem.  However, there is a slight flaw and the Fourth Doctor- the immortal Tom Baker- is stuck in another dimension.  Why, you ask, considering that he is arguably the most popular of all time?

Well, Baker declined to return to the show in any form, having just left it two years prior.  As such, they had to find a way to *include him* so they didn't have to call this The Four Doctors, But Not The One You Really, Really Like.  What did they do?  Well, given the title of this segment, you can probably guess: they used stock footage!

They took footage from an unused episode called Shada & tried to make it work.  The result: it alienated fans of Baker.  I can attest to this personally as the son of a Baker fan myself.  Seriously, they hate this thing.  Good job, BBC!

Next up, a lighter version of this segment as a cartoon reuses a cut scene, only to have it get brought back.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Rawhead Rex

This movie was hard to find anywhere, so hopefully it was worth the time.  This film was made in 1986 by George Pavlou, a man with very few Film credits to his name.  Around this time, he was immersed in a creative relationship with Clive Barker, just before he got famous with the Hellraiser films.  They worked on a pair of films together between 1985 and 1987- Underworld (aka Transmutations) and this film.  After this, he would go on to make children's programming. That was surely a very awkward transition.  Let's focus on this though.  The curious thing is that this is an adaptation of a short story, as opposed to a book.  Does it make for some awkward padding and filler?  Find out in my big-eyed review of...

As the opening credits roll, we are treated to lots of long, aerial shots of the English countryside.  If there is still any confusion about where this movie takes place, the accents will take care of that!  A man is checking out a local graveyard while his son is simply bored.  He goes into the church and tries to find out some information about the place, but the local priest is not exactly forthcoming.  The guy directs him to the church's library and leaves.  Enough of that shit, let's focus on the guy who has decided to uproot a giant pillar.  Lots of silly light effects shoot out and a creature arises from the hole.  I hope you don't like mystery, because this movie shows you the creature in full-frame within 8 minutes of hitting Start.  Our titular creature is, um, very odd-looking.  Imagine if the Troll from 'The True Bride' story ate a giant box of steroids and you get the idea.  Some weird happenings occur in the area as a red light shoots out from a very odd glass panel in the church and heats up the wood.  Um, okay.  At a nearby home, the monster shows up, kills the husband and chases the wife around.  When she's cornered, it stops, rubs her pregnant belly & leaves.  When the police show up, she has a minor freak out.  Want to explain this, movie?

Continuing on its path of not explaining some things and really explaining others, our lead looks into the church and its mysteries.  His search for knowledge is thrown onto a sideways path when he stops near a field to let his daughter use the loo.  The son stays behind to read his 'Secret Wars' comic- seriously, it has a cameo- but is greeted by the titular monster.  Somehow our hero and his wife fail to hear the thing smashing in the car window and only spot it when it's carrying the kid away.  The man runs full speed over to stop it, but the thing is gone.  Um, does that thing have a jet pack or something?!?  When he tells the police his story, they fail to believe him- gee, I wonder why?!?  Of course, they will learn to regret this behavior as time goes by.  Trying his best to ignore his grief, the man throws himself into his research & tries to decipher the mystery about the glass panes.  According to the priest, they were broken during many of the wars that have affected the area and pieced together as best they could.  Gee, I'm sure that this won't play a part in the finale.  Over at an RV park (what is this, Alabama?!?), the monster knocks over a crowded vehicle and wreaks havoc.  The tenants fight back, but get their asses kicked.  One woman is even pulled out and her top rips open in the process.  Convenient!

This is all building up to a big finale, so why should I make you wait?  We get some more investigating, but you don't care about that, do you?  Rex wreaks some more havoc and manages to turn the priest into a convert.  How?  I'm not entirely sure, but what's new for a Clive Barker story?  The police finally figure out that there is a giant monster killing people when it walks up and tries to rip the door off of a cop car.  That might be a hint, guys!  They set up a blockade of armed cops, which is kind of silly since the movie established earlier that the thing was bullet-proof.  Inside the church, a good priest tries to shoo the creature away using a cross, but gets killed.  Apparently the creature also possessed another man, who proceeds to drop a match into the pool of gasoline that has formed around the cops.  This causes them to be lit on fire and try to reenact that Led Zeppelin album cover.  You guys are seriously crappy!  Our hero finally figures that the key is to use this magical stone, which he grabs, but is chased by Rex.  Out in the graveyard, he attempts to use it, but to no avail.  Fortunately, his wife is there to pick it up and causes light to shoot out of the womb-shaped crevice on the object.  That might have been a hint, guys!  After a big show, the creature is sent back to its home.  After a funeral, however, a similarly-shaped head pops out of the ground for one last jump scare!

This movie is...weird.  I'm not sure what else I can really say about it.  It's a weird, British movie based on a Clive Barker short story.  It has a weird, pagan creature showing up and killing people with low-class British accents.  It all ends in a magical light show from a stone.  It's super-trippy and full of death.  Man, Clive Barker is one weird guy!  Seriously though, this movie is all about the creature going around and killing people for no clear reason.  Did they offend his religion?  Did they take his land?  As far as I could tell, the movie never really said.  In fact, all I could really gather out Rex is that he does not like to kill pregnant woman.  Oh and it doesn't like you trying to hit him, even if it doesn't actually hurt him in any way.  For the most part, the thing is well-produced and flows pretty well.  There is one awkward bit in the finale where they show the stage lighting.  Well, it's either that or a star is burning out in the background!  The biggest appeal of this movie is its rarity.  The film rights are apparently owned by Lion's Gate, but the last DVD of it was produced in 1999!  You want to stop re-releasing Evil Dead in differently-numbered DVD sets and just produce this one again?  Seriously, I can find Un Chien Andalou on DVD, but not this one!  Get to it!

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings you the sequel to a film that didn't even set up one: The Cell.  Is Frank Whaley a substitute for Vincent D'onofrio and Vince Vaughn?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Dracula 2000

A lot of people die for pointless reasons in Dracula 2000, but one of them stands out quite a bit to me...

After the plane holding Dracula and the thieves crashes, a news reporter and her cameraman go to the scene to cover it.  For no real reason, he decides to kill the pair of them.  Why?  It's not like he's hungry, since he's just bitten and/or killed about five people in the last hour!  Anyhow, he bites the woman, turning her into one of his three brides.  The guy, however, just gets killed off because the movie wanted an excuse to show off it's 'Dracula doesn't show up on camera' effects.  Poor guy.

On the plus side, the actor- Shane West- would go on to team up with a vampire woman in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  I wonder if there was any resentfulness.

Up next, a special update in the series focusing on the plight of a Poor Bastard...that's an animal.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequel: Dracula III- Legacy

Two more years have gone by and we have yet another Dracula sequel.  It's at this point that I feel the need to point out how rare a Dracula film sequel getting a chronological numbering is.  Hell, it's pretty rare to see a Dracula film get a real sequel.  A lot of the Hammer stuff is 'Dracula dies at the end, but he's alive again in this movie- pretend you never saw that one.'  For all of us who have seen The Satanic Rites of Dracula, we can all agree that pretending we never saw that one is a good plan!  Anyways, this movie picks up a vague amount of time after Dracula II and follows the two Jasons (London and Lee) in Romania.  A vampire sequel set in Romania?  God dammit, I'm having Subspecies II-IV flashbacks! Before I'm overrun with images of vampires turning into shadows or teleporting via 'the Wonder Woman method,' I should also mention that we have another new Dracula actor...despite Dracula not dying last time.  Oh and he's credited as 'Dracula III.'  You can do better than this, Rutger Hauer!  To see why I say that, check out my review of...

The film begins with Jason London wandering around a train yard and besieged with vampires.  Soon enough, Lee's killer priest shows up and kills them, causing his partner to question why he took so long.  Ha ha- you almost got me killed!  We are treated to a flashback where Lee's character went to speak with his head priest (still Roy Scheider, sadly) about what to do next.  Basically, he's told to give it up and just become a normal priest.  Instead, he hands over his habit to the blind man.  Remind me again why he's blind here?  Oh well, at least Roy got out of this film series- hurray!  In Romania, our heroes drive around and learn that some strife is going on.  People are being kidnapped by thugs and a resistance movement is in place.  Wow, just dive head-first into those cliches, movie!  They go out into the woods and London decides that they need to help a group of people being held hostage by raiders, something that Lee disapproves of.  They save the people and learn that the men are working for some unknown person.  Their goal: bringing people back to the nearby castle.  Yeah, that's not suspicious.

The big problem with this movie is the same thing that's great about home insulation: padding.  They set-up a simple plot: Dracula is feeding his vampire kin thanks to some people willing to trade others lives for freedom.  Okay, just kill them and go fight Dracula.  Your movie will be shorter, but at least it might be good.  Instead, they meander a bit and stop a second time when they see some cars pulled off to the side of the road.  After getting shot at, attacked and having their car blown up the last time, you would think that the Jasons would be a bit 'gun-shy' about it.  Nope, they stop and get captured by the resistance movement.  To make things better, they run into the reporter lady that they saved earlier, despite telling her to leave.  That night, Lee breaks out of their cell as the nearby vampires swarm the place.  Naturally, the resistance movement has no security in place and get killed easily.  How exactly are you 'resisting' by hiding in plain sight with no protection?  Fortunately, our vampire killer is really good at, well, killing vampires.  The bloodsuckers in this movie actually prove to be more ineffectual in this movie than in Dracula II, as most of them take the place of 'unnamed ninja' or 'suit-wearing thug' from action movies.  I would say that being the living dead makes you suck, but that would be a terrible pun.  Oops.  In the morning, Lee goes outside without his shirt on- hello, Taylor Lautner's major influence- and apparently purges the vampiric influence in him.  That's what that pointless and unexplained bit from Dracula II was about, by the way.

Eventually, our heroes decide that they still need to find Dracula, so they find his castle and it's surrounded by impaled people.  Obvious historical reference for the win!  Upon arrival, they are immediately captured and Lee is shot.  London simply climbs away from the approaching vampires as they go to feed while the sun is still kind-of up and gets inside the castle.  He stumbles across the Videodrome room and sees a naked lady drop from the ceiling.  No, it's not the reporter, although she is nearby.  Thanks for the nudity, extra.  Dracula is now The Hitcher for no clear reason and escorts London down to see Diane Neal's character- hey, remember her?!?  Yeah, over an hour in, she shows up, tells London that she's too far gone and shoves him.  Lee finally recovers from his gunshot wound and fall & goes in for some action.  He makes his way to Dracula pretty quick and the two of them fight.  This actually goes very evenly, but turns in Dracula's favor.  Apparently being older makes him act younger and faster- go figure.  Neal's character stabs him with a torch...somehow and Lee bites him on the neck.  Um, what does that accomplish?  Oh well, he's finally killed, since he was given absolution by Lee's priest.  Yeah, that's what kills him now.  However, the reporter is dead, London mercy-kills Neal and Lee stays behind as the new vampire lord.  Um, okay.

This movie is really not good at all.  The whole thing is just ridiculous at face value and made even worse in execution.  First off, Dracula doesn't show up until over an hour into your 80 minute movie- bullshit!  Second, he is a different actor, a fact notable when you show the second actor in a dream sequence!  Third, the movie continues the idea of him always changing faces, blatantly ignoring the first film.  Before you try and excuse it, know that all three films share a common co-writer and director: Patrick Lussier.  Did he lose his notes or something?  As I said in the review proper, the movie is just chock full of pointless padding.  You could have simply referenced a lot of this as happening and I would have just believed you.  I also have to mention the big emphasis given to finding Diane Neal's character, which gets a payoff in the form of a cameo only slightly longer than that of Roy Scheider!  Lee tells him that she is too far gone, which she is...until the ending where she redeems herself and then gets killed.  I wish that this had ended up well, because it had some legitimate promise.  Dracula using criminals for his gain- interesting.  A dynamic and awkward pairing of Lee and London- interesting.  Rutger Hauer as Dracula- interesting.  This movie- bullshit.  The worst part is that Hauer appeared in two big movies this same year: Batman Begins and Sin City.  You had other options, you idiot!  As sub-par as Dracula 2000 is to me, you're far better off watching that three times than finishing out this trilogy.  Ugh.

Up next, another rare and hard-to-find horror film.  This one involves a giant, latex monster threatening the Shire.  Stay tuned...

A Rare Case: Raped by An Angel 2

There were a lot of strange things about this movie and the Menu set-up was no different.  If you should choose to rent/buy this film (why God, why?), you would be treated with this...

Um, there's no Menu here- just a picture.  What happens if I hit a directional button...

Oh, there's the menu.  What was the point of that picture screen again?  To just waste my time, I guess.

Next up, a vampire series offers you an odd look at what could have been.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Dracula II- Ascension

Two years have gone by since Wes Craven's attempt to reinvent the Dracula lore.  Despite him only being an Executive Producer, enough interest was created to get this movie made.  Of course, it was made Direct-to-DVD, taking the wind out of their sails a bit.  What's there to say about the movie?  It takes the series in a new direction, features a bunch of new Actors and really is only tangentially-connected.  Sure, they tell you that it's connected, but you only have their word for it.  Fun fact: the new Dracula is credited as 'Dracula II.'  That's just silly, guys!  Another thing to note is that this movie sets up the idea that Dracula changes form every time that he dies.  Um, the film your following makes that complete bullshit, guys!  As Judas, he looked like Gerard Butler.  He looked like Butler in the 19th Century and when he was brought back too.  Does he just turn into different people when your original Star gets too famous?  Ugh.  Also, is he a Time Lord?  Anyhow, this is...

Before the credits, a woman is being chased by a mysterious, long-haired man.  Is this Dracula?  No, it's actually Jason Scott Lee, proving that a career skid can go as far as you let it.  The woman turns out to be a vampire and actually has a twin...who's also a vampire.  After a scuffle, he kills them and walks off with their heads.  A title card tells us that the film takes place two months later, which is kind of silly considering that the plot takes place within days of Dracula 2000's finale. 

Our film proper begins by showing a bit about how Dracula died whilst hanging and burning to death.  We are introduced to a mostly-paralyzed teacher who is in a relationship with a redhead student (future Law & Order: SVU star Diane Neal), who works at a morgue. 

Speaking of which, Dracula's charred body shows up and her friend (Jason London) figures that this must be a vampire.  As he explains 'I've never seen one, but I know one when I see one'- brilliant.  She gets pricked by a fang when it pops out for some reason & he gets a call offering $30 million for the biological secrets hidden in the body.  Meanwhile, Lee shows up and narrowly misses them sneaking out.  They meet up at a house owned by the teacher and study the body.  It doesn't go well.

After submerging the body in a bathtub full of blood, it comes to life and kicks one woman out the window- thanks for coming!  Thankfully, a James Marsters-looking fellow shows up with a flashlight and houses down Dracula II.  Wow, that sounded weird, huh?  He explains that he is 'the buyer' and that they need to move to a new building that is more secure.  Naturally, they choose an abandoned YMCA building.  We cut to Lee meeting up with his head priest...played by Roy Scheider.  Really?  You were in Jaws and you went on to play a blind priest in two cameo roles for these sequels?  The only point of this is to set-up Lee's character as a strange vampire hunter with a secret.  The redhead is also showing signs of being infected...from a finger prick.  No exchange of blood to turn, huh? 

In the pool area, they tie up Dracula to a stand with an IV and surround him with super-UV bulbs.  They see that his blood can rewrite human DNA- bullshit- but this is broken up by the friend from earlier (London) showing up and explaining a bunch of vampire lore.  He sets up countermeasures to keep Dracula in line, including surrounding him with beads he must count and covering him with a net made up of knotted rope.  We also set-up that there are missing blood samples.  Where could they have gone? 

Oh, the black guy took it and turned into a vampire instantly.  I wonder where that will lead. 
Oh, he's killed by Lee's character within five minutes.

Back at home-base, things don't get any better.  Dracula tries to court the redhead, but that just gets him hurt.  While the others are away, he hypnotizes the dying man into wheeling himself off of a ledge.  His lady gives him the Dracula blood, which cures his neurological disorder within seconds.  However, he kills the mood by revealing that this was all a set-up.  You see, the teacher had a run-in with Scheider's priest (who is not blind here, but is later...and this is never explained) and has tried to track down vampires ever since.  Things turn bad as Lee shows up and kills the teacher, making this whole turn completely silly.  Dracula escapes by electrocuting the fake Marsters and bites...his face off.  In spite of this, he still turns into a vampire...and dies thirty-seconds later.  Commit to this, movie- commit! 

In the film's silliest bit, London tries to slow Dracula down by tossing more beads at him...which he counts using his Matrix powers!  WHY?!?!?  Lee battles Dracula in a fight that leads up to the attic, while London tries to convince the redhead to go outside and purge the vampiric side. 

The fight turns in Lee's favor, but he's momentarily-tempted with Dracula's first-hand knowledge of Jesus.  When he refuses, he gets shot by Neal and she escapes with Dracula...

This movie could have been really good, but it just comes across as rushed.  They try to throw way too much into this movie and still make it less than 90 minutes.  A vengeful vampire hunter- check.  A doctor seeking immortality- check.  A group of people seeking money from death- why not?  Had they chosen to stick to just one of these plot-threads, this might have been better.  As it is, we get a ton of crap happening in the last sixty minutes of the movie...none of which relates to Dracula 2000.  If they had simply cut the shots from that movie out, would you have really known so easily that this is a sequel to that film?  Hell, the title makes me think that it's a sequel to Dracula, not Dracula 2000. 

Fun fact: that book has actually been written and released since this movie came out.  I rarely say this, but I will here: this Direct-to-DVD movie is too ambitious!  I say all of this in an attempt to ignore the film's throwing in of vampire O.C.D., super-speed counting and weakness to UV lighting. 

Seriously, the last film tried to actually explain the cross and silver stuff, so why add more crap in?  It's sad to say how bad this turned out...until you talk about the sequel.  Things don't get any better, folks!

Next up, we close out the trilogy with a trip to Romania and a third Dracula actor.  You wanted continuity or something?  Stay tuned...

Drac Pack: Dracula 2000

A lot of people and companies have tried to make the definitive Dracula movie.  From Universal to Hammer to Andy Warhol, movies have failed or succeeded to various extents.  Hell, even Jesus Franco has done it- without lesbians, at that!  Today's film is an attempt to do a modern version of the story.  Will it end up like Hammer's two failed attempts (Dracula AD 1972/3 and The Satanic Rites of Dracula)?  This film has the advantage of one big horror name being attached: Wes Craven.  Of course, he's only the Executive Producer of the film (and it's sequels).  Will he be enough to counteract the inexperience of its Director, a man whose only previous work was The Prophecy 3?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins by re-enacting the famous boat scene from the book.  Kudos for bringing up a famous moment, but how can you follow it up?  The film jumps to present day where a young woman is getting a job working for a weird old man (Christopher Plummer) in a mansion.  Eventually, we learn that she is part of a group of thieves who want to get whatever treasure they think he has in his London manor.  The group including Danny Masterston and Sean Patrick Thomas) takes out the guards and uses a series of technological gadgets to enter.  Apparently they have a glove with the old man's fingerprints on it and a robot eye that beats scanners.  Good to know that this film is modern and, you know, logical.  Down in the vault, they come across a bunch of skeletons and a coffin.  Yeah, about that treasure.  During all of this, the old man appears to be doing some series heroin filtered through leeches.  Um, okay.  They try to open the thing, which causes two traps to pop out and kill two of the thieves.  No, not those...guys I don't even know the names of!  This sets off the alarms and the old man rushes into action.  Fortunately, our thieves have dynamite to escape with the crypt to their plane.  On the aircraft, Mr. Masterson cuts his finger and blood drips into thing, awakening a mysterious creature all chained up inside.  Who is it?  If you guessed that guy who played Leonidas in 300, you'd be right!

The awakening of the creature causes some trouble for our heroine- the old man's daughter.  She is being visited by weird visions of a shirtless Gerard Butler.  Ladies, you can have worse problems.  As the old man- Van Helsing- explains to his young ward, the body of Dracula was killed in the 1800s by him and locked up, since it could never truly die.  To stay alive as its protector, he began to inject himself with Dracula's blood- filtered, of course.  Yeah, that's not how it works.  The old man goes to New Orleans where the plane crashed, but the young man follows him there.  The young woman- it turns out- is Van Helsing's daughter, a fact we learn in a scene with her priest...who's played by Nathan Fillion.  In the city, Dracula kills a cameraman (Shane West) and converts a reporter (Jeri Ryan) & moves on into the city.  He's seeking the young woman for reasons that we will eventually learn.  In the city, Van Helsing and friend battle the vampiric versions of the thieves, but the lead one (Omar Epps) escapes into the night.  Dracula fails to find the girl (Mina), but settles for her roommate named Lucy.  Too subtle, movie!  Speaking of subtle, he has sex with her while floating in the air and converts her too.  He also finds time to bust out his third woman (Jennifer Esposito) and complete his bridal set.

Sadly, Van Helsing is killed by Dracula in his daughter's apartment, since he's too good of an actor for this crap.  The Count also uses the force to pull his gun away...somehow.  The ward shows up and rescues our heroines...for now & they look into the lore of Dracula.  Apparently, biblical sounds and objects anger him and silver can kill him, but why?  Dracula battles them again and actually has flaming pages of the Bible thrown at him!  He gets the girl and his brides capture the ward, who promptly kills Jeri Ryan.  Um, okay.  Dracula bites Mina and explains to him his entire origin.  Dracula, it seems, was once Judas Iscariot and was doomed to walk the Earth.  Betray Jesus and get immortality- I can live with that!  The girl bites the ward, but it's actually a trick, which allows him to kill vampire Lucy.  This, of course, leads up to...a Matrix-inspired wire-fu fight between Mina and Dracula.  Um, what?!?  Eventually, they kill Ms. Esposito and finish off Dracula by hanging him.  Yes, that's what kills him permanently...until the sequel says otherwise.  We end with a shot of a now-vampiric Mina vowing to watch over Dracula's body for eternity.  Yeah, that works out well.

This movie is good...to a point.  If you're a purist of vampire films, you'll dislike a lot of what they did here.  On one hand, I can see why they made certain changes.  On the other hand, so much of this crap just makes no sense!  Dracula is actually Judas- why?  Was there something wrong with the old lore, Patrick?  To be fair, many reviled historical figures have been cast as The Count- Judas, included- so this is not unique.  However, it comes across as a really stupid reveal and gives us odd imagery.  You ever want to see Gerard Butler in a fake wig and beard kissing Jesus' cheek?  Now you can!  Speaking of Butler, his lines are delivered very quietly and are rare, since he clearly could not disguise his accent.  Well, I guess it's better than just dubbing him.  The rest of the acting is pretty sub-par across the board, save for Plummer.  You'll always be The Emperor of the Universe to me, Chris!  The special effects work is pretty silly, including a bit where a CG wolf version of Dracula splits into a group of bats when a stake is shot at him.  A lot of this movie is pretty dated, but it is still better than a lot of low-budget fair.  Sorry, but you'll never replace Christopher Lee or Bela Lugosi, guys.

Up next, the sequel to this film arrives.  Will it feature all of the characters we know and love?  Um, no.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Dead Alive

Is it any wonder that some confusion and oddness came out of this one? 

After all, it's a low-budget horror film that was made in New Zealand and then translated into Japanese.  I guess we can blame the Tower of Babel for this one...

Yeah, that is a part of the movie, sure...but that's your selling point?  Really?  Even for you guys, that's weird!

Up next, more Japanese weirdness as The Land of the Rising Sun brings us a horror film set in the great white north.  Bring your lighters!  Stay tuned...

700th Post Special!!!: Resident Demon

After all this time, can I still be surprised by a shitty film from The Asylum?  You'd think not, but you'd be wrong.  Let's jump in the Slightly-Way-Back Machine for a trip to 2006.  Ah, the good old days of bigger cell phones, 3G Wireless Networks and the Saw series still being kind of liked.  It was this year that a bad video game film came out known as Resident Evil.  It vaguely-resembled the game series and is generally considered to be pretty bad- although great by comparison to Part 2 and 3!  Obviously, The Asylum can't let a cash cow like this go un-milked, so they released today's film: Resident Demon.  Is it an adaptation of a video game?  No.  Is it about an evil genetics corporation?  No.  Does it involve zombies?  Well, not really.  If you're going to rip-off the movie's title, could you at least rip-off the movie?!?!?  Instead we get a modern version of a shot-on-shiteo (thank you, Cinema Snob) film.  I should mention that it's writer/director/editor/executive producer is also its star.  This is going to hurt, isn't it?  Well, if twelve guys can make it in their house and get a shit DVD company to release it, I guess I have to watch it.  This is...

Our story begins with a young woman doing some sort of weird ceremony involving a cheap warehouse room, a man on a cot and some Satanic drawings done by a 5-year old.  She ends up killing the guy with a steak knife in the leas convincing manner possible and ends up in a tub full of pomegranate juice...I mean, blood.  With no explanation, we cut from here to a sanitarium where a bunch of wannabe-actors do their best 'crazy people' cliches, including the 'rocking back and forth' person and the 'running their hands through their hair' person.  Oh well, at least we don't have Lloyd Kaufman claiming to know karate in this movie!  This all leads to our heroine, a crazy woman who is given her breakfast by a nurse...and immediately knocks her out with the plastic tray.  Um, that wouldn't really work.  She casually escapes and stops in a stairwell where she is met by a guy with a beard.  Apparently, he is our Dr. Loomis here and sends her to a house to put a stop to 'it.'  Just to be safe, he gives her a gun.  Well, safe for her...but not safe for us.  We cut to a young couple moving into a new place and throwing a party for their friends.  The woman goes up to take a bath...five minutes before the guests arrive and ends up being possessed by the spirit of the woman from before.  Apparently, nobody has ever used this tub in three years, but it's still sanitary?  Ew.

The first guests arrive & they end up being a Southern belle and a guy who appears to be trying to look like Sabretooth.  They go upstairs for 'the tour' but end up by themselves.  Before this, however, our previously-bathing heroine taps the woman on the shoulder and transfers the possession.  Is this evil or tag?!?  They proceed to make out and tease having sex, only to have the woman stab the man to death.  While this is going on, another set of heroes- a black man and a white woman- show up for the party, but get interrupted by the goings-on.  Our heroes show up and find the woman confused about what just happened.  Right around this time, the crazy girl tries to trick her way in, but fails.  You can escape an asylum, but breaking into an apartment is tricky, huh?  She gets inside and joins the party, forcing our heroes to tie up the murdering woman.  She finally attempts to explain what is going on to our heroes.  Basically, the girl from the beginning was her sister and was doing a weird, Satanic ritual to gain immortality.  The escapee was supposed to stay around and be possessed, but she ran away instead, ending up in an asylum after telling the police her story.  Wait- a woman ending up in an asylum in an Asylum film?  My brain hurts!

The whole thing gets weird and messy from here-on-out.  The group talks about who might be possessed, all the while the cat is actually the host.  As a side note, they accept this bullshit withing about a minute, no questions asked.  They split up, while one woman is possessed and kills the black man.  We get some decent mystery about who is possessed...only to have the hammy acting make it very clear every time.  They go to make a trade with the demonic spirit- the escapee for the innocent girl.  As it turns out, the spirit sees through their plan and turns things against them.  Even the arrival of bearded non-Loomis doesn't help turn the tide.  Some cops show up, but are killed within two minutes.  Eventually, all of the dead people from before come back as host bodies of the spirit (hence my 'not really' comment about zombies being in this).  They attack our remaining heroes- the director/writer/producer/star and the bearded guy- and run the latter through.  She begins a new ceremony that involves sacrificing the husband, but he manages to stop her by taking away the deus ex machina necklace.  She manages to stab him, but the ceremony is stopped and the demonic spirit dies...I think.  What actually happens is a bit obtuse.  Either way, they all look dead and I can take this movie out of my DVD player!

Good god, this is not a good movie!  The story is ridiculous, the acting is terrible and the production values are about as minimalist as Chuck Palahniuk!  This whole thing was clearly made for about $10,000 and shot in their actual apartment!  Oh, my bad- they also use their parking garage!  Seriously, this thing makes all of the Cinemassacre films look like Michael Bay movies (no offense, Mr. Rolfe).  What does this have to do with Resident Evil again?  Oh right- jack shit!  Besides, let's be realistic here for a moment- this is not even a demon.  It's not like Pazuzu was set free here- it's just some dumb lady who worships Satan.  This is as much about demons as the '80s film Shocker was!  Is there any good reason to see this movie?  No.  It's utter crap and has no real redeeming value.  If you really like watching shitty, low-budget horror films, you can do worse.  Mind you, it's a very short list, but there is one.  This makes me worry about what's going to happen with my 800th post!  I'm scared...

Next up, my three-part look at Wes Craven's Dracula trilogy begins.  First up, the original film that actually ended up in theaters.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Headhunter

This movie actually looks sort of interesting, except for one thing: a lack of mystery.  See for yourself...

That looks interesting and all, but now I know what the big pay-off is.  Even so- I won't lie- I still want to see it.  Just try a little harder next time, guys!

Up next, have you ever wondered what would happen if the Invisible Man went into teaching.  Find out the results for yourself.  Stay tuned...