Plot Twist Theatre: One-Armed Swordsman Against 9 Killers

Sometimes movies just make up elaborate plots and have no way to do them justice. The whole thing is built around one or two reveals, leaving everything else to suffer. I will leave M. Night out of this...for now. In the meantime, I will stick with this kung-fu film that turned out to be so much more than I thought...

One-Armed Swordsman Against 9 Killers

If you expect an in-depth plot summary, you may be disappointed. This movie's basic plot is so generic and pointless that you could simply guess it. That is not the reason I am covering it.

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Our hero is a one-armed man, but never carries a sword- ever. Also, he is not the same guy from the many films (One-Armed Swordsman, Zatoichi Meets the One-Armed Swordsman, etc). Although he is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, the star of Master of the Flying Guillotine. I just had to say that.

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The enigmatic man is a long journey for revenge against those that have wounded him. He has to fight the titular killers and engage in some wu xia action. Now that I have that part out of the way, here is the crazy stuff.

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~At one point, our hero battles a transsexual. Not a man dressed in drag, but an actual person with gender identity disorder. He also appears to be post-op...which is highly impossible in feudal China.

~He has a fight with one killer in their private sword room. Still, he never uses a blade. That guy picks up the most improbable sword ever though. He has a six-foot blade, which he actually attempts to use. What are you, Cloud?

~Here is the big thing though. During the fight with the final boss, our hero gets his lone arm lopped off. Well, now he is royally-screwed, right? No! He stabs the man with another arm, revealing that he kept his other arm hidden for years. That is patience and follow-through!

~As he relaxes, the lady he brought with him stabs him. Why? She was the daughter of the man he killed. In spite of this, he kills her too. The End.

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Okay, what the hell was all of that? This is not a One-Armed Swordsman film, since he has one arm cut off in battle in that movie. That sort of kills the big plot reveal, doesn't it? Apparently, this centers around a whole conflict between Yu, Shaw and the ownership of the character. Shaw made two films with Yu and a couple without him. They hired a new guy, so Yu made the crossover film with Zatoichi in Japan. Later still, he made a film with his replacement called The One-Armed SwordsMEN. Read it all here. This title is a marketing lie and a bad one. The film is fun to watch though.

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Are you ready for Canada to kill your childhood for frights? Stay tuned...

Spanish Fly: Night of the Sorcerers

Spain is often underrated when it comes to the world of Horror Cinema. Everyone knows Italy's trash, Japan's ghost children and Korea's ghost children with different names. They neglect to consider the works of such men as Paul Naschy and Amando de Ossorio. The latter is the man who directed today's film...

Night of the Sorcerers

The film begins with a scene so weird that you would swear that it was a dream sequence. It's all real, baby! A white woman is chased by native Africans through the jungle. No, this is not a Tarzan film. She is grabbed, tied to a tree and whipped. Thanks to movie magic, the lashes take of all her clothes. Satisfied, they bring her into a clearing, set her up on an altar and cut her head off. This rolls to the ground and her blood drains out.

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We cut to what I assume is present day. That whole thing feels more dream-like now, huh? Two couples show up to film a nature documentary, but there are problems. The natives are restless, the land is wild and, since these are foreign movie couples, they are all cheating on each other. They are warned like everyone in a horror movie is, but, naturally, ignore the logical warnings and stay the night. That is when the weird stuff starts to happen.

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The natives get a little freaky at night- drumming, dancing and inter-mingling. One of the young ladies wanders off in the direction of the drum sounds and is captured. She gets the same treatment as the lady in the prologue and dies. This all happens while one of the men is putting the spurs to his non-girlfriend. Needless to say, his cover story for missing his watch duty the next day is pretty weak. As day turns to night, we get the first of the movie's really strange sights: vampire women in leopard-skin bikinis. No, I am not kidding you. They run through the foliage in Baywatch-style slow-motion. I don't really know why, since the effect is not the same with them as it is with Pam Anderson.

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Being horror movie characters, our heroes find out the truth far too late. By that point, both young woman are now 'beach blanket Nosferatus' with a 'hunger.' The guys are pretty ineffectual, leaving only the audience to be strong-willed people. Despite being a European horror film, the ending is actually relatively-happy. The corpses are still corpses though. Only Gate II and Sodoma's Ghost had the gal to undo that.

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This is a fun film, but it is definitely not best to compare it to the Blind Dead films by Ossorio. Well, maybe part four (Night of the Seagulls). There are similar riffs here (humans becoming monsters, people running in slow-motion), but it is not nearly the same. The terror is gone at the sight of the amusing monsters. As far as Spanish horror films go, you can definitely do worse. Most foreign film fans will tell you that worse would be The Ghost Galleon. I tend to disagree, but, whatever.

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Do you love plot twists in films? How about 500 or so? Stay tuned...

80's Trash: Mausoleum

I am always a little worried about watching a film when it is really hard to find. Is it a lost classic or a turd that someone was trying to bury? This was the case with today's film, a horror movie from the year that I was born called...

Mausoleum

To begin with, the title is a bit misleading. The titular location is key to the story in one way, but does not play a part in the whole thing. It would be like calling the Cube films Mysterious Government Building instead. So let's set it up...

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A young lady is attending her mother's funeral. The sad day is made worse by the mysterious musings of her aunt and uncle. Something strange happened with her mother in the lead-up to her death. They never tell you in full, so don't bother waiting for it. A strange force calls out to the girl and she runs off. Getting past a large gate and a guard, the youngster runs into a large mausoleum. Sure. A weird green energy appears in front of her and makes noises. She wanders out to her aunt, but says nothing. What are the immediate ramifications of this?

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We cut to nearly twenty years later, so the answer is 'none.' The lady is married to a rich, weird-looking guy (Marjoe Gortner) and living in a big mansion. Unfortunately, she is alone a lot since her husband has been working on a big account for months. This leaves her some time to spend with her gardener. One night, she seduces the guy with an 'accidental' flashing or two. They have sex, but it turns bad later on. Her face transforms into that of a monster and she kills him.

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The movie falls into a pattern at this point. Her husband leaves, some weird stuff happens (flashing lights, green smoke, etc.), someone draws the lady's ire and they die. The film is pretty formulaic, but it does have some interesting things. The lady apparently has some demon powers including sharp claws, glowing eyes and telekinesis. One high-point involves her using some Carrie-esque powers to kill a guy who spills coffee on her. That makes sense.

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The finale just gets really nuts. A priest tries to go to the source of the evil power while her husband fails to heed his warnings. I guess the fact that she is calling him to bathe with him does the trick. After some romantic moments, she transforms and kills him. It is the way that she does it that most people will remember. Her breasts turn into, well, these. Eventually, after a big, flashy light-show, the curse is broken and the lady is freed. A happy ending...unless you are one of the dead people. They are still dead. The End.

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There is a reason that this movie is buried on a multi-film disc alongside other random crap: it is not good. That said, there is a certain charm to its crappy nature. It is like watching a little kid try to make a film where they play adults. The slow points are a little rough, but the film has some T&A to tide you over. It is hard to be titillated in a film co-starring Gortner though. It's worth a look if you are a more forgiving fan of horror. Or you can just go on YouTube.

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If you love Japan, wait until you see what Spain puts out: vampires in bikinis. Stay tuned...

Toho-a-Go-Go: Latitude Zero

You know a studio is doing their job right when you can recognize one of their films right away. When you see a busty woman running through the woods in a corset, you know it is a Hammer film. When the woman have curly-cue sideburns and swing swords, it is a Shaw Brothers film. Such is the case with...

Latitude Zero

This is a film by the classic Japanese production company Toho, but stars a couple famous American actors. Much like yesterday's Rankin-Bass/Toho co-production, this mix of talent and stars is interesting. Let's get to it already!

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A submarine is out doing rounds when it is struck by a seismic activity. The survivors are rescued by a mysterious ship and taken to the mysterious sanctuary for scientists called Latitude Zero, named so because of it's location on the map. En route, however, they are attacked by an equally-mysterious black submarine. They escape and begin to enjoy the luxuries of super-scientist life.

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The survivors learn that not everything makes sense down there. All of the people are nigh immortal due to unimpeded advances in science and happy. There is an evil lurking nearby in the form of a mad scientist (Cesar Romero). Standing in his way is a rival scientist (Joseph Cotten), who vows to keep science pure and respect the laws of nature. The guy who makes giant mutants and cross-breeds animals disagrees. It is time to do battle...with science!

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The good guys assemble a collection of tools and weapons. Amongst them are a fancy jet pack and a gold jumpsuit that is fire-proof. I'm still not sure whether or not it is worth it, to be honest. Armed and silly-looking, they go off to do battle with the villain. They had not counted on his small army of bat-people though. They narrowly defeat them, but must next do battle with a chimera-like creature. Our villain makes the fatal mistake of putting his unsuccessful commander's brain in the creature, driving it to kill him. The heroes all decide to stay, save for one. He arrives on the surface and his story is questioned. Was it all a dream? Well...no.

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This movie is quite fun. You get good actors (Romero, Cotten), cheesy sets and crazy monsters. The bat people steal the show with their flying attacks and goofy faces. The idea of the guy who played The Joker as a mad scientist is just great, as is the Academy Award-nominated actor as the good and mighty scientist. The model effects are just as cheesy as you would expect. The same goes for the use of wires, something that was very prevalent back in these days. A good film for people that love cheesy and eccentric cinema for all ages.

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Let's take a trip to the 80s again. You like breasts? How about on a demon? Stay tuned...

Fun With Apes: King Kong Escapes!

Who wants to learn a little film history today? Now, before you just click away to somewhere else, hear me out. Everyone's favorite giant ape- King Kong- has a longer and more storied history than people often realize. Save for the classic original (1933), crappy remake (1976) and great remake (2005), there is also the semi-good sequel (already reviewed) and the even worse sequel to the first remake(1986). Don't worry, I'll cover that in time.

What people often don't realize is that the big guy was not just napping during all this downtime though. He actually starred in two films in the 1960s and was planned to be in several more (including Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster). Many of you may be familiar with the first one (King Kong vs. Godzilla), but what about...

King Kong Escapes

Honestly, this film is an improvement in one major way- Kong does not look like crap. Anyone who has seen that malformed suit in K.K.v.G. knows what I'm talking about. This one still looks as silly as any other Toho/Rankin-Bass costume though.

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The film's plot is pretty damn silly, to be quite honest. In the wake of Kong's fame, a crazy scientist builds a robot designed to look like him for an evil experiment. The man- Doctor Who- is seeking out a rare element that will help him with his experiments. Unfortunately, the robot fails at its duty, leaving the man with only one option: get the real thing.

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This proves to be about as simple as it sounds, but the man does succeed. Using the power of science, he hypnotizes our hairy hero to do the job right. Being the...um, ape of virtue that he is, Kong manages to break free and does the titular action that you expect. A long and epic battle between Kong and Mechani-Kong ensues. This goes back and forth, somewhere in the middle introducing another monster named Gorosaurus as well. This is a Toho film, so don't bother looking for a real logical reason for that. Just go with it. Love and the real, giant ape prevail in the end.

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I apologize for being so brief here. The plot is just so silly that is almost best to let you take it all in. Besides, I'm feeling lazy. I really enjoyed this film though, even more so than King Kong vs. Godzilla. Toho's love for the swinging and fun film is evident here, as it will be in tomorrow's review. It is definitely more fun than the 1970s and 80s Kong films. Unless a three second blur of Linda Hamilton's breasts is enough to sell a movie for you, avoid both of them. This is a keeper though- a silly one, mind you. You can always do worse.

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If you liked this review, then you will love the next one. Get em, Joker! Stay tuned...

Classic Crap: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

This is just painful. I don't what else to say. Okay, that's a lie. I have a whole thing planned on the film, but I thought this would sound better. I should just be honest with you guys. Let's just jump to my review of...

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

To begin with, the title is sort of a lie. The lady villain is actually the grand-daughter of the famous scientist. When they cannot nail down the title without problems, what hope is there for the rest of it? Find out.

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The film begins with the title villain and her old henchman working on an experiment. They are attempting to put a random guy's brain in a corpse. This consists of putting a ridiculous bike helmet on the guy and having sparks fly off of a bunch of machines. It fails...just like her attempt at maintaining an accent. This only gets worse.

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We cut to Jesse James serving as a sort of Don King figure to his big, burly pal. He manages the guy (played by a guy named Cal Bolder) to a victory in the classic game of shirtless boxing in the middle of the street. Tired of the small money, he arranges a stage coach robbery. Unfortunately, this coach pattern is as ill-conceived as the plot. They have a fake coach that fires a shot in the air when the coast is clear. What if there was a robbery and shots were fired? Shockingly, this stupid plain fails, but not before Cal is shot.

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Jesse and his big henchman ride away, seeking medical help and escape from the law. Despite a long journey, Cal seems just fine in, spite of a bullet to the gut. This is still not the most illogical part of the film though. The film cuts away to a poor Spanish family that is living in a village that is pretty empty. In fact, they appear to be the only one. Maybe it has something to do with the close proximity to a science lab. They leave, but the young lady heads back when she meets Jesse and his pal. Why? Wait and see.

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When she sees Cal's injury, she says that she knows a person who can help: Frankenstein's grand-daughter. Wait, what? She just fled the town and now goes back there! There is lazy writing and then there is this. So Cal is getting taken care of while Jesse attempts to romance the young woman. The age difference appears to be on par with Entrapment. So yeah, you know what is going to happen. Cal gets turned into the monster and kills the lackey when he has a change of heart. The girl tries to save the day when the monster turns on Jesse. She actually proves more useful than our hero, actually managing to kill the villain. Jesse rides off, apparently deciding to leave her alone in a village. The End.

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I barely survived this piece of crap. I did not even cover a lot of it, such as the random sub-plots involving a sheriff, the double-romantic entanglement plot and the side-plottings of the scientist's assistant. On top of that, the film is famous for its day-as-night shots, wherein a covering is put on the camera to simulate nighttime in mid-afternoon. One thing saves this movie: Joe Bob Briggs. As an underrated comedian, he makes the movie bearable and actually is legitimately informed. He has only done a handful of DVD commentary tracks, including his great one on Samurai Cop. Don't even try to watch the film without him!

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Let's take a trip over to Japan and see what America's favorite ape did. Stay tuned...

Boll-shit: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

I managed to put off Uwe Boll films for so long. I know of his reputation and have no problem joining the firing squad against him. Quite frankly, simply seeing five minutes of Bloodrayne was enough for me. Even casting Dave Foley in Postal (Future note: If only I had listened) could not fool me. So, why the hell did I break my vow for...

This just sounds bad right off of the bat, doesn't it? You just want to toss in the pile of stupid fantasy movies like Hawk the Slayer and Barbarian Queen 2. You're not too far off.

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The movie quickly introduces our to our protagonist: Farmer. He's a...well, farmer. I fear for the depth of this movie's screenplay immediately. His best friend and fellow farmer is Hellboy...I mean, Ron Perlman. His wife is Claire Forlani, evidently taking time away from pretending to be in love with Gary Sinise. She also has a kid, who is a bit too old to have really come out of her, to be honest. Let's not even get into her being attracted to a poor, Jason Statham.

There is trouble in the state of Denmark...or rather, whatever this fake country is called. The King (played by the Bandit) has no male heir save for his doofus nephew (Shaggy). His best friend and Arch-Mage (Maximilian Arturo) has a daughter (Joan D'Arc) who wants to fight, but he won't let her. Oh and a fellow wizard plans to take over the kingdom. Let's focus on the girl's drama though, movie.

Not too long after this, a group of Orcs...I mean, Krugs attack Farmer's village. He has to fight off a group of them at his farm before he can help anyone else. Naturally, he is a master with the sword and knows kung-fu. Reality is not important, huh? He kills a bunch of them, but seemingly fails to save his wife and son. They mix in footage of the evil wizard controlling some Krugs while in what appears to be The Phantom Zone. He even ends up being the one who does the deed on Farmer's kid.

Alot of boring and random crap happens. Farmer survives being hung to death and kills a Krug controlled by the wizard for 100th time. The King tries to raise his army for battle, but is poisoned by his nephew. Random black guard leads the forces alongside the King, despite his earlier wounding. Plus, Farmer, Hellboy and random other guy run into Peter Pan in the forest. Oh wait, it's actually Kristanna Lokken as an Elf who does nothing but swing around in the trees. Plus, the Elves number about five and are all women. How does that work?

Sparing you a lot of stuff, the King dies after a big battle in the woods and explains that his long-lost heir is actually Farmer. Yeah, they look so much alike. The Magus' daughter joins the army for the final battle, while Hellboy is killed in the prison for trying to save Farmer's wife. His sacrifice was noble...and completely useless. Good job. The Magus dies as well in a crappy CG-swordfight with Liotta and gives all his power to his daughter, despite her screwing his enemy for months (don't ask). Farmer swings across a giant freaking ravine and sneaks in to battle the wizard. After a long, stupid battle, the enemy falls...when Farmer's wife stabs him. My hero!

This movie is pretty damn bad. It is so utterly generic in many ways and just full of bad acting. Matthew Lillard proves that his best acting job thus far has been in Thirt13n Ghosts.  Even next to Liotta's hammy performance, he looks like a freaking hack!  Wow- just wow.  The good actors (Davies, Reynolds) do not do much other than deliver bad dialogue with a straight face.  All things considered, it makes them look like Olivier!  From what I am told, this is still better than Postal though.  I like to set the bar a little higher, thank you.

Up next is a nearly-forgotten movie that should have stayed that way.  I never learn- ever.  Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Hard Gun

I hate it when movies lie to me- plain and simple. I can accept stupid premises (The Dragon Lives Again), questionable premises (Attack of the Giant Leeches) and insane ones (Death Trance). What I cannot stand is when a movie says it is one thing and is another. That is the case with today's import from Thailand...

Hard Gun

The format is going to be a little different here. I am trying to properly represent the tonal changes. Bear with me.

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The movie begins with the police surrounding a building full of criminals. The villains suspect something, but do not do much about it. Eventually a shoot-out/karate fight breaks out. This is actually a pretty good bit, if maybe a bit too rehearsed-looking. A bunch of people are killed, including the crime boss' brother. Since our hero shot him, things will get rough.

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Cut to a few years later, the cop is on vacation in his hometown with his dad and sister. She has a conniving friend (who appears to be about 40) who likes to go gambling with her. The dad catches them and a chase ensues. Insert Benny Hill music here. Oh wait, they actually did. Yes, they give us the stupid music and a sped up chase scene full of 'comedy.' Movie- either shoot someone or shoot me!

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We get more 'comedy' for about 20 minutes, which I will gladly gloss over for you. Basically, more funny faces and sped-up running. Oh thank God, some serious stuff!

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After far too long, the crime boss and his new henchman (Tony Jaa) show up looking for our hero. Ooh, this is going to be good.

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Holy mother of God, more comedy! Why why why?!? Our three heroes (if you count the bad comic relief guy) are confronted by bullies. They proceed to have a 'comedy' fight on a playground.

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Hey look, the villain is back. He is confronting the hero's dad. I can't wait for...

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Son of a...more comedy?!? The bad comedy fight turns into a comedy chase into a soccer field. They proceed to play *sigh* 'fighting soccer.' This hurts.

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Once this crap ends, the villains kidnap our hero's sister and beat up his dad. Father, son and *sigh* comedy guy with crooked teeth go to save the day. They split up, hopefully leaving the idiot to die. I'm not so lucky.

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Our hero chases the lead villain and has a shoot-out with him. This movie is finally getting...

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The fat guy with crooked teeth is stuck on a big rock. Ha ha hurting.

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Finally, our hero and Jaa have a fight. It is actually quite good. There is not quite the same level of polish and sheen that we would get later in Ong-Bak, but it is still good. This does not last nearly long enough before both Jaa and the boss are shot dead. Movie over?

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No, we still need closure on the bully plot-line. Sure. The only pay-off here is the bit with the dad switching from beer to milk. He...I mean, his stunt double does a spin kick and chases off the guys. Now is it the end? Yes.

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This movie really hurt me. I can accept Tony Jaa not being the lead or even that big of a player. I enjoy other Thai action films without him- i.e. Dynamite Warrior and Chocolate. If this was an action movie that he was only a bit player in (Spirited Killer), I could deal with it. This...was just a painful exercise in waiting for the good stuff. It is Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy all over again. Now you see why I called this Bi-Polar Cinema, don't you?

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Let's move on and discuss something good...or a film by Uwe Boll. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Gnaw: Food of the Gods, Part 2

Sequels are a tricky business. If you push them out too fast, you look desperate and cheap. Consider that auteur Jesus Franco made up nearly a dozen pseudonyms to cover up the fact that he pushed out four to five films a year. On the flip side, if you wait too long, the magic can be gone and nobody will care, i.e. Bad Boys II. Today's subject is the latter, a sequel ten years later to a film that needed none...

To fill in neophytes, the first film was about a mysterious ambrosia that got into the water supply and turned every animal huge. Famous former-minister Marjoe Gortner starred as a Football player (right!) who had to help save the day. I tell you all of this in spite of the fact that none of it matters. This is its own movie and only borrows the name and the concept. Ha ha!

This film ignores the 'ambrosia in the milk supply' finale of the first Film and just has some ambrosia loose somehow. A scientist at a local community college (they don't admit it, but it is) is experimenting on some rats. Why? A local woman has a kid that has begun to grow gigantic and needs his help. Duh. His girlfriend does not like the idea, but nothing can stand in the way of science! Faster than you can say 'Let's rip off the plot of Night of the Lepus,' some animal rights activists free the rats. However, the one with the ambrosia in him has grown large and kills one of the hippies.

In the wake of this incident, the movie follows into a really obvious pattern. Someone either tries to kill one of the rats (there are more now) or tries to do something that gets you killed in a slasher film. What follows is their bloody death at the hands of some fast editing and a puppet. Much like the Waxwork films, this is full of absurd 80's gore. Between these scenes, we get some bits with the doctor, some student and the 'I'll never listen to any warnings' authority figure. Yeah, he dies. They also slip in one of the most random and weird scenes of the entire decade...

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For no reason whatsoever, the lead begins to have a strange dream. He pictures an unknown woman (the only one to sign the 'no nudity' waiver) coming in and wanting to screw him. Naturally, he obliges. Before you see too much, his limbs start to go at an enormous rate. No, not that one though. She naturally freaks out as he grows gigantic, thanks to really lame photography tricks. He wakes up and never mentions it. It's like a Big-Lipped Alligator moment in a way. Moving on...

The big finale of the film involves a big Swim Meet, a bunch of rats and the worst example of ignoring nature's rules for the sake of drama. To attack the people, the rats swim up through the sewers and into the pool. Say it with me, people: Ewww. Oh and it's horribly inaccurate in every way. What follows is a mix of bad model shots, bloody puppet attacks and digital insertion. It's all so fun and stupid. Lots of people die for no other reason save for the love of big school functions. I believe that is the 8th Deadly Sin. One of them even tries to eat our hero's girlfriend, but he saves the day with a gun. That will solve all of our problems! In the end, the Principal dies, the rats die and the survivors are alive. The End...or is it? No, it is.

This movie is bad in so many ways. However, it is very easy to laugh at its attempts at dread, terror and murder. Nothing is really done well, but it is not unprofessional like other films. If you enjoy bad 80s gore and blood, this is a very good film to recommend. It is still not as good was Waxwork and Waxwork II though.

Next up is the first entry in my new series called 'Bi-Polar Cinema.'  I'll kill you...i'm sorry, please forgive me.  Stay tuned...

Pornedy: Flesh Gordon

Yeah, I am going to have a hard time with this one. This cult film has a big reputation among fans and is unknown among casual viewers. It is also hard to talk about this film in a serious manner, but I'll try with...

Flesh Gordon

The film begins with a long banner explaining that the film is a satire based on the 1930's serials. They make it very clear that it is no way related to them and made for comedy. Why the long explanation? This was made before the landmark case of Hustler v. Falwell that established fair use of parody. Now that we feel smarter, let's dumb it down.

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A sex ray is being fired at random points on the planet Earth. As you can imagine, it forces people to break out into orgies. Top scientists have tried to find a way to stop it, but keep getting distracted somehow. A reporter and a young man (Flesh) rush to the home of a crazy scientist hoping that he has a way to stop it. It turns out that he does, but the trip does not go uninterrupted. If you ever wanted to see Dale, Flash and Zarkoff humping, this is your movie. They arrive on the planet to discover a powerful dictator with a stupid name.

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As a not-so-subtle parody, the names in the movie are all innuendos. Aside from Flesh Gordon, Dr. Zarkoff is now Dr. Jerkoff. Ming the Merciless is now Wang the Perverted. Oh and the planet Mongo is now called planet Porno. Yeah, let's move on.

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Our heroes are captured by Wang and sent off into different areas: Dale to his harem, the Doctor to his science lab and Flesh to death. Naturally, our virile hero does not die, though he does lose most of his clothing in the fight. The Emperor's daughter takes a liking to him and puts him to use. Being the pure hero, Flesh has sex with her and then goes to save Dale. He rescues the Doctor and joins forces with Prince Baron...I mean, Prince Precious in his brand new outfit.

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The climax...I mean, conclusion of the film involves Wang's super-weapon, Flesh's space ship and a giant monster. Why not?!? One side note: the monster is voiced by Craig T. Nelson, of The Incredibles and Action Jackson fame. He is the best actor in the whole movie. In the end, good triumphs, evil loses and lots of people run around naked. The End.

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This film is not that good, to be honest. If you can accept all the freaking nudity, it has some moments of good humor. It will certainly not appeal to casual film fans by any stretch of the imagination. Honestly though, I cannot say that I failed to have a good time. Would I share this good time with others? Probably not. You don't count.

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Let's get away from dirty people and talk instead about dirty rats. Stay tuned...

Dos Ex Machina: Evilspeak

This Satan fellow really gets around. He has been a force in every country, from England (Satan's Slave) to Spain (Alucarda) to Indonesia (The Killing of Satan). His stops in America have been more famous, although today's subject is one of the few exceptions. Why have we completely forgotten about...

Evilspeak

I will preface this review by stating that a lot of this plot will seem very contrived. That is all.

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In an elite military school, young boys are turned into men a la Robert E. Lee or Ulysses S. Grant. Then there is our hero. He is clumsy, out of shape and going prematurely bald. The best and the brightest, my ass! Actually, it is stated that he only got in because of his family's legacy and he sure knows it. He is disrespected, pushed around and generally talked down-to. This sure won't end in a bloody rampage, right?

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Left to his own devices, the young man discovers a computer that is used to catalog old religious artifacts. While in the basement, he discovers numerous Satanic works. That is sure odd to have at a Catholic school, isn't it? Maybe it has something to do with the intro of the movie showing a heretic (played by Richard Moll) being decapitated over one-hundred years ago. Fed up with being messed with, our young hero begins to learn a spell of power. It requires some stuff that is not easily found. More torture, I guess.

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This movie is full of characters that are just unnaturally mean. Our lead discovers a puppy that he keeps down in the attic. After a night of drinking and carousing, the tormentors wander down to the attic. They see Clint's Commodore 64 out with instructions on how to summon Satan. Seeing that he needs innocent blood, they naturally grab the puppy and kill it with a sacrificial dagger. Wait, what?!? I've heard of angry drunks, but murderous drunks are a new thing to me entirely. This pushes our hero over the edge and to finish the spell. Crap is going to come down now, people!

*

After a long build-up, super-evil Clint is born. He first causes a nail on a statue of Jesus to drive through the forehead of the Chaplain. Blowing a hole in the floor, he emerges through it a la Cathy Rigby. He is a bit creepier than her, with his hair matted back and sword in hand. A bloody and vicious series of killings takes place. Oddly, nobody survives this and there is no comeuppance for our hero/villain. Um...okay. The End.

*

This movie is a strange, strange thing. It is basically a rip-off of Carrie, but with a guy and Satan. It has the same pacing of its inspiration and works like any other revenge film. The difference is that his tormentors go above and beyond the normal call of duty for a bully. The message is also odd: Satan will solve all of your problems. A curious film that all interested parties should see at least once.

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You want parody films really need? Lots of nudity. Stay tuned...

$hitema: Death Bed

I watch a lot of bad movies. Many of them are 'good' ideas (Sodoma's Ghost), but are executed badly. Many are just too quirky(Killer Tomatoes Eat France) or strange for their own good (Izo). Then there are movies that are just bad ideas and could not have ever made good movies. Examples of such being Blood Freak and The Gardener. Today's film is another example, but a funnier one...

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Just because of what day it is, I am required to make the following lead-in: this is one Mother of a weird movie! Now that that is out of the way, let us move on.

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The film begins with a droning narration from a very curious narrator. Good start, movie. That man is a person who, upon his death, became trapped in a painting. It is sort of like Dorian Gray, only crap. For laziness though, he is not actually a part of the painting. The film shows him as sitting down in a chair behind a piece of glass that is supposed to be the painting. You are really trying for symbolism is a film called Death Bed?

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Our narrator lazily explains that the bed in this abandoned house is evil. How? Why? You'll find out much later. Instead, we get a group of ladies wander upon the house and just sort of make themselves at home. I guess the lack of a door to the bedroom is an 'a-okay' for them. We then get our first dramatic test of human logic: two are going to go out and one will sleep, despite it being early afternoon. She explains that she sleeps better during the day. Are you half-vampire or all-stupid? The bed slowly eats her, getting all of her clothing and her book first.

*

I have to explain how bad the killing effects are here, since they use them about 600 times. The bed makes a bad stomach-grumbling sound and people/objects begin to sink into the bed. They immediately appear in what seems to be a big tank of yellow water and bubbles. Lots of red dye is squeegeed in, supposedly-symbolizing their deaths. It is as stupid as it sounds. Mix that in with the slow-motion and dubbed-in 'chewing sounds' & you have a really stupid scene. It only gets better during the 'death over the years' montage. This includes a massive orgy (not shown in detail) on a single bed. Not only is it evil, but the damned thing is adamantium-reinforced!

*

The movie continues to stretch logic as it goes on too! One girl gets dragged in legs-first, but manages to get away. She crawls all of the way to the door (they show it too) before the bed shoots out a drape and pulls her back in. There is also the guy who gets his hands pulled in while attempting to stab the bed (no, really). He manages to pull them out, but is left with really bad prop skeleton hands. The movie shows us as it slowly falls apart too. Thanks, movie. The whole thing builds up to the narrator finally telling someone the secret of how to kill the bed. Basically, you do witchcraft, draw a circle of blood and is explodes in flames when you do that. That was simple enough, huh?

*

This is a really bad movie. That said, it is also quite funny. Unlike other films like Blood Freak, killings and the like occur in the first hour. They are really dumb, but they happen. The fact that Death Bed loves its own stupid effects so much is all the better. If you can get past the slow opening and accept that crappy characters/dialogue/acting/plot for humor, you will have a pretty good time.

*

Hey Satan, you want to make another movie? It will star Clint Howard. Stay tuned...

Video Nasty: Contamination

How bad do you have to be to get banned by an entire country like England? Blood? Good start. Boobs? Those definitely help. How about aliens, exploding chests and astronauts? Yeah, that will do it. Like today's film...

Contamination

The story begins with a deserted tanker ship floating into the New York harbor. Oh my god, Dracula is here! No, it turns out the ship is...empty. Upon further examination, it is filled with dead bodies with missing mid-sections and weird egg things. Something may be out of the ordinary.

*

When they get to the bottom, they discover one of the alien Cadbury eggs by a steam pipe and go to investigate. It sprays goo over three men and they begin to gyrate. All of a sudden, the front of their chests explode outwards! Damn!

*

The lone survivor is taken into government custody and questioned repeatedly. For some reason, they doubt his story. He is questioned by a stern woman who does not particularly care for him. Meanwhile, they test the remains of an egg and discover that it is from...outer space! This inspires them to re-think the testimony of an astronaut who claimed to have seen similar eggs whilst on Mars. He has gone into hiding, however, and his comrade is dead.

*

Eventually, he is found and is quite a bit disgruntled. Reluctantly, he agrees to help them after quite a bit of convincing. Their search brings them to South America, where the company whose name was on the boxes in the ship. A government worker, a cop and an astronaut cross international borders and go on an espionage mission- bad punch-line setup or Italian movie plot?

*

The plot gets really crazy from here-on out. You see, the other astronaut is really alive and running a fruit company in the country. It is all a pretense to get the alien eggs all over the world and to allow them to take over the world. One of the big scenes involves the woman being locked in the bathroom with an egg ready to burst. After really, really ratcheting up the dramatic tension, the astronaut saves the day at the last minute. A good scene and a show of how foreign cinema believes in more unique pacing.

*

The movie continues to get crazier. Two of the group go on a tour of the factory, but get caught. Our astronaut friend has to go undercover and infiltrate the factory. Fortunately, the factory workers wear Hazmat suits and carry AK-47s. The movie builds and builds up to the alien menace, which is...a giant Cyclops alien. Holy crap! Unfortunately, the thing can barely move and numerous camera changes have to cover for this. Eventually good triumphs and evil is thwarted. Well, except for a couple of eggs that are still in N.Y.C. Wait for the sequel...which never came.

*

Is this movie good? Fairly. It is a unique mix of science-fiction, horror and pulp action. The acting is not bad, albeit oddly-dubbed. This film is a lost classic of sorts and deserves more attention than it gets. The confusion lies in the numerous release titles for the film, including Alien Contamination, Toxic Spawn and the original title Alien Comes to Earth. The DVD has a bunch of neat features, including an interview with the director Luigi Cozzi, who talks about how every film he has made has turned into a science-fiction one (i.e. Sinbad of the Seven Seas). Why? He just liked the genre and there was little call for it during the 70s. There- you just learned something.

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What's next? How about the worst movie monster of all time? Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Burial Ground

The only thing more prevalent than zombies in horror cinema are vapid, busty blonds with no acting ability. While there are many famous films in the genre (Dawn of the Dead, White Zombie, etc.), there are also numerous obscure little gems in the bunch. For example, there are movies like today's subject...

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror

I have to immediately take one issue with the title. The bulk of the movie takes place in one day and night. There is a technicality that could be involved though. I'll explain.

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The film begins with a professor who looks like the prospector from "The Final Sacrifice" wandering into a crypt and chipping away at a seal for no reason. Faster than you can say 'you are stupid for doing that,' zombies begin to wander towards him. As if this educated man did not seem dumb enough, he immediately drops his pick hammer. Yeah, he dies.

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Cut to the next day (that apparently being the first night of terror), a carpool of people is driving down a road, accompanied by the film's credits. We get three couples, one of whom has what we are told is a kid. Even a cursory look at him says that he is either a midget or has that disease from Jack. He's unsettling to say the least. The fact that he, along with everyone else, is dubbed, does not help.

*

The couple's proceed to split up and attempt to have sex, leaving the one 'kid' alone to wander around. We basically cut from highly-edited make-out sessions to zombies wandering around. This allows you the chance to see that, as cool as the zombie masks look, they are clearly one-piece masks. Don't expect those mouths to open, people. A couple do come with maggots writhing around on the faces though. Gross, but clever, touch.

*

The movie deftly mixes zombie cliches with some twists on the approach. For example, the zombies move with all the land-speed of one-legged sloths. However, the first guy to do is the guy with a gun. The scene where the zombie is set on fire after being doused with paint is so neat that they do it twice in a row. One of the most creative deaths involves the maid who is pinned to the window by a thrown nail through the hand. How the lethargic zombies did that is unknown. Once immobilized, they raise a sickle up and cut her head off. Implausible- yes. Cool- yes.

*

Other than straight-forward zombie attacks, the movie does not have a lot more to offer. It is notable that these zombies pick up hand weapons, some ten plus years ahead of Land of the Dead, but roughly four years after Nightmare City. The creativity and mix of zombie masks is notable, although they all wear the same brown robes. Oh look, there are a bunch of mute men in brown, hooded robes. Why don't you go over and talk to them? They look ni-oops, they just ate you and attacked your friends. The film ends with a quotation, complete with a typo: 'nights' is spelled as 'nigths.' Good job, guys.

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That's enough zombie action for today. Next comes an explosive Italian import. Stay tuned...

Mondo Spaino: Alucarda

Satan is very popular...in cinema, that is. In most other places, he has nicknames like The Prince of Lies (America), the Deceiver (England) or Pitchfork-Scary Man (Japan). I'd apologize to the Japanese for that one, but they still owe me for 964 Pinnochio. Big Red plays a part in this film as well...

Alucarda

The film begins a young lady (Justine) being sent into the middle of damn nowhere. They are somewhat vague about why, but, given that she is from a family of Spanish Catholics, you can draw a pretty good conclusion. They dump her off in a private monastery that appears to be carved out of a cave.

*

She quickly meets a new pal named Alucarda there. The girl is a bit odd, appearing for all intents and purposes to be an unrepentant Goth chick. Why is she there exactly? They do what all new friends do: go out in the wood and buy magical items for a man who appears to be half-Satyr and half-Hunchback. Of course!

*

That night, Justine passes out mysteriously and is sent to her room. Alucarda begs and moans until she can stay with her alone. That is when all Hell breaks loose. The satyr-back appears out of nowhere, the ladies' clothes come off in a hurry and gyrations aplenty ensue. This is the high-point of insanity for the whole movie. In this five minute or so scene, the women cut themselves and drink a little of each others' blood, the sky rains blood and a massive Satanic orgy breaks out on the lawn. As suddenly as it starts, it ends abruptly as well.

*

The girls start to act weird, including speaking Satanic verses in mass. Their cure is to tie them up to a pair of crosses, strip Justine (again) and proceed with more blood-letting (via numerous cuts over her body). This is after covering her with leeches the previous night. Yeah, she dies. Alucarda vows revenge, but I'm sure that nothing comes of it.

*

Apparently I was wrong, as the young lady plots a gruesome revenge. In the meantime, she spends some time with a nice doctor (played by the villain from "Mansion of Madness") and his blind daughter. Summoning up her power, she heads back to the monastery for revenge. Faster than you can say 'FLAMING NUNS,' the lady has numerous women of the church running around on fire. Around the same time, Justine comes back to life in a pool of her own blood, but is killed again. It's the thought that counts, honey.

*

I won't spoil the finale for you. I mean, save for the fact that more people get lit on fire and a giant cross plays a part in it. This movie is just plain weird. The freak-out scene takes place with almost no warning and ends before you can really process it. The story is really shallow (girl meets girl, girls worship Satan, everybody dies) and simplistic. This is another great release from Mondo Macabro, a company that hope lives forever. They give us good DVD transfers, obscure movies (Bollywood horror!) and a great trailer reel.

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I'm going to take a look at a genre that I have really not touched yet...mostly because they are sticky and gross. Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Eko Eko Azarak II

You just knew that I couldn't stay away right? This one is a little while coming actually. I just needed time to process...

Eko Eko Azarak II: Birth of the Wizard

In case you did not read the review of the original film, this is the sequel...but it is really a prequel. What are you, Infernal Affairs II? Weirdos.

*

A few years previous to Wizard of Darkness, our young lady is a bit more normal. She still has the weird habit of going from a 'scared Japanese girl' face to an 'Audition-looking psycho' face. At least we get a little back-story on this phenomena here.

*

She lives a fairly normal life in a Tokyo apartment with some friends and attending school. This ends quickly when a possessed man shows up at the door and bashes her friend's head in. As you can see, the series' love of sudden, random gore is still prevalent. She arrives home too late to save her buddies and nearly gets killed herself.

*

A mysterious young man saves her with a bat and they flee. Questions are raised when the man is killed by them and he turns out to be a mild-mannered scientist. This plot thread is ignored when more people show up in a similar way. Time to run away some more!

*

This movie goes into full Buffy-mode and it is far more transparent than in Wizard. When I watch Part 3, I almost expect her to fight kung-fu using vampires. We cut from slow parts with her and the guy talking to people doing weird Satanic rituals and back again. What other movie can you say that about? I mean, besides Satan's Slave. All of this builds up to a big battle against the mysterious wizard.

*

I have to admit that my interest was fairly waning at this point. The movie was just so 'same old, same old.' That changed when Misa manages to cast the ultimate black magic spell and summon Satan himself. The Prince of Lies shows up in full 'Goat-mode' and kills the villain. That is a pretty good finale. Our heroine sets off alone with a new pendant of power and right into the first film. The End.

*

This movie could have been a lot better. The pacing is all over the place and you can never quite get used to it. This comes from it being a mix of J-Horror and teen horror films. Maybe you should not mix things all the time. Not every mix will be as good as Doritos and Chocolate Pudding. I still have two more of these films to do eventually. Don't rush out these DVDs on my account, Tokyo Shock.

*

Another throwback segment tomorrow. I just cannot escape the Macabro. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Dragonslayer/Deathstalker III

No P.O.S. computer issues can keep me from posting. Dammit.

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Two different movies share one common trait amongst their varying plots, film quality and overall differences. Let's start off simple with a cult classic that has one dangling plot thread that strikes me...

Dragonslayer

To start off with, this is a good movie. As I said, there is just one thing that is a bit 'off'' about it. Shall I explain? I guess I should, yeah.

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Early on in the movie, the great wizard and mentor to our hero dies in a freak accident. This forces the newcomer to have to battle the powerful dragon on his own. Good luck, kid. Now, here's the thing: he comes back.

*

Right when the big battle finally comes up, the wizard allows himself to come back to life. He explains that he could have done it at any point. So, why did you not help your student? Did you just not want to make the long trip to the cave? Really now!

Deathstalker III

See, now this movie I can make fun of freely. It sucks long, hard and often. Out of the four films in the series, only one is not on official DVD. Even Barbarian Queen II is on DVD. I'm just saying.

*

Early on in the movie, the forces of the evil wizard villain attack the camp where Deathstalker and the good wizard are. The good one, using his Wonder Woman-esque powers teleports away with a spin. Where does he go? Just wait.

*

Most of the movie goes by before we find out. Our hero goes to battle the villain and stumbles across the same stock footage bar scene that is in every Deathstalker movie. Seriously- check it out. Out of freaking nowhere, the wizard suddenly appears in the bad guy's castle. About four days have gone by in the story and he just shows up with no explanation. On top of that, he is immediately grabbed by guards and captured. What was the point?

*

This movie is just plain bad. It is funny to laugh at, but not nearly as much as Deathstalker and it is not nearly as humorous on its own as Deathstalker II. The new actor playing the role is not as good as any of the other ones, which is a really bad insult if you think about it. The worst part is the wizard who has no plans, logic or follow-through. He must have been the director too!

*

Let's talk a moment away from magic for a moment. Japan- I'm looking at you. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Supergirl

Everyone loves magic! Everyone loves movies! The combination of the two is a match made in Heaven. Unfortunately, it has often taken a guided tour through Hell. Confused? The first in my series of movies will show you the real danger...

Supergirl

Many of you are thinking 'this is a superhero film- putting magic in this movie would be stupid!' Yes, yes it would.

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In the wake of Superman II's success, the Salkynds got a young woman, put her in tights and tried to siphon off money from their cash-cow franchise. This is an early example of what the internet calls 'an epic fail.'

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On a neighboring planet of Krypton, peace is prevalent. When danger comes their way, they send a young woman from their planet to the save haven of Earth. Nah! I'm just kidding. She pretty much just leaves when a McGuffin crystal goes missing. I had you going for a moment though, didn't I?

*

The first kick in the pants that the movie gives us a random news headline about Superman being out in space for some stupid reason. Thanks, movie. I'm sorry, but your Superman is in another castle. Don't fret, people. I'm sure that this movie can give us something to make up for this, right? They give us...Faye Dunaway? Swing and a miss.

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Our villain is an eccentric rich lady who also happens to be a witch. She tires of normal life...well, normal life for Faye Dunaway. Her life gains a purpose when she discovers the crystal of random-convenient powers. While our heroine wastes time in a prep school (heroically, mind you), our villain schemes to get it. When our plot finally makes Supergirl do something, the evil lady lashes out in the most horrific way...trucks.

*

The evil witch attacks our hero with magically-controlled construction equipment when she finally sticks her nose in the plot. What ancient druid spell allows you to do that again? If you think that is bad, check out her follow-up: super-fast tilt-a-whirl. Seriously? Are you really trying? I don't think you could kill Beppo, the Super Monkey. By the way, that is a real character.

*

The worst attempts at magic are actually much more subtle. A sub-plot involves Jimmy Olsen (the only hold-over from the Superman series) attempting to seduce Lois Lane's sister Lucy. First off, their parents must really love alliterations. Secondly, if you were really Superman's pal, you wouldn't even attempt to 'hit that.' I'd sick Iceman and the Smallville version of Parasite on you, if they weren't already played by you. Look it up, people.

*

This movie is bad- plain and simple. It is sort-of funny to laugh at, but only if you have a really, strong will. It is bad, dated and silly. There is no real redeeming factor, even with Peter O'Toole's glorified cameo. Unless you love crap like Howard the Duck, avoid this movie.

*

If you think that was a bad use of magic, wait until you see the world's two laziest wizards. Stay tuned...

Absurdity for Kids: Watership Down

Now that we've seen what neutering a concept for children looks like, let's take a gander at the flip-side of that. This is...

Watership Down

Let me preface a few things here first. I love this movie, the book is good (I'm sure) and the film holds up well. The film is just really, really not for kids.

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The movie begins with a narration about nature being assigned a series of roles by the Sun-God. Basically, rabbits were made into creative prey and they were surrounded by predators. Would they survive? Yes.

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In modern day, a group of rabbits live in the English countryside. Life is good. They eat grass, avoid humans and really avoid that damned dog. Not long after this, they begin to be killed, since rabbits are the prey of every animal in the world. Enjoy, kids!

*

Their tentative survival is threatened by a crazed rabbit with a god-complex named General Woundwort. The fact that he is played by Zero Mostel (The Producers) is just a bonus for you, kiddies. He is here to stop our heroes from reaching the ultimate destination for free rabbits to live: Watership Down. I'm sure that there won't be a bloody battle before they get there.

*

For once, I won't spoil the movie for you. This one is actually quite good and I want you to see it. Maybe dangling a carrot in front of you will work, proverbial or otherwise. The photo-realistic, watercolor look is amazing and makes you really empathize with the characters. The realism does not end there though. When animals fight, there is blood, scratches and dirt-flying. A kid's movie this is not.

*

Do you like magic? You won't when I'm done with some crappy uses of it. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Mortal Kombat/Savage Dragon

Hey kids, do you like cartoons? You do? Great. Do you also like comic books and video games as well? Great. We, the good folks at the USA Network have a great block of programming for you. Let's start with...

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm

Remember that game that you played at the arcade, but never told your parents about? Now you can watch a show about it. But there's no blood, guts or fatalities. What is left? Um....Raiden. That's enough, right?

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The show is basically about the heroes (Raiden, Kung-Lao, etc) who battle the evil forces of Outworld. That is pretty much it. You weren't expecting Ran, were you? It's got robots in it too though. Plus, lots of jumping, flipping and kicking. You guys like those 'new' Jackie Chan movies, right? Yeah, we've got nothing. Just hold on for another fifteen minutes so that you can enjoy the other show in the block...

Savage Dragon

Everyone's favorite cult-comic full of violence, nudity and super-violence (i.e. God being kicked in the nuts) is now animated and on your televisions. Nothing was sacrificed in the transition. Well, all of the violence and nudity are gone. He's still a mutant cop though...but he never draws his gun at all. In fact, nobody draws their guns at all. Wait, don't leave yet!

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In this show, a man with no memory wakes up as a big, green mutant with a fin. Naturally, he joins the police force and fights other mutants. Plus, he makes friends with other green people. An evil mutant crime-boss is trying to take over the city and only our steroid-abusing friend can stop him. That's enough plot for you kiddies.

*

Some of you may say that a superhero story notable for its violent tone and cursing is really not all that interesting when you take away those two factors. That is just nay-saying though. Sure, the plots are standard, the voice-acting is adequate and the animation is not really notable at all. All of those things make it sound boring. Yeah, our bad. Maybe we should stick to doing these kinds of shows on cable.

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What happens when you don't tone down the source material for the cartoon medium? Find out shortly. Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Look Around You

Now that we've had our share of fake authors pretending to fake doctors, let's move on to something more simple. Okay, that's a lie. Instead I'm going to talk about another high-concept, weird show called...

Look Around You

Do you remember watching odd science segments on television in the 1970s? No. Well, that would explain why it never took off, despite three different incarnations. Thanks to Adult Swim and the internet, this show has a new life. We still don't quite get it though.

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So what is the show? It is a series of science lessons presented by a group of hosts (whose membership per series due to the BBC) that are always, always inaccurate. They are also completely insane and funny as well. They present strange experiments and science exposes that often end up with very odd results.

*

The series introduced a lot of weird characters and devices. There is the medicine-practicing robot called Medi-Bot and a horse that has a fool-proof system to gamble. His device is impressive, even if it is 90% manure. If you have not gotten a hint of what this show's humor was like, you are not too bright. The show never ever tipped its hand about being a parody. They never even promoted the celebrity cameos from people like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Maybe they should have.

*

This show is a strange treat that amuses, befuddles and draws groans. It is so silly, so subversive and so tongue-in-cheek that most people either didn't get it or simply did not care. No amount of tweaking allowed this show to get a solid and consistent run on television. It is a travesty that high-concept shows and/or subversive ones like this, Garth Marengi or my personal favorite Freakazoid get their due. That's what DVD is for, I guess. Maybe we can sort of make up for our mistakes by giving them a little royalty money.

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Let's take a step away from England for some fine children's programming. Stay tuned...