$hitema: Death Bed

I watch a lot of bad movies. Many of them are 'good' ideas (Sodoma's Ghost), but are executed badly. Many are just too quirky(Killer Tomatoes Eat France) or strange for their own good (Izo). Then there are movies that are just bad ideas and could not have ever made good movies. Examples of such being Blood Freak and The Gardener. Today's film is another example, but a funnier one...

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Just because of what day it is, I am required to make the following lead-in: this is one Mother of a weird movie! Now that that is out of the way, let us move on.

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The film begins with a droning narration from a very curious narrator. Good start, movie. That man is a person who, upon his death, became trapped in a painting. It is sort of like Dorian Gray, only crap. For laziness though, he is not actually a part of the painting. The film shows him as sitting down in a chair behind a piece of glass that is supposed to be the painting. You are really trying for symbolism is a film called Death Bed?

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Our narrator lazily explains that the bed in this abandoned house is evil. How? Why? You'll find out much later. Instead, we get a group of ladies wander upon the house and just sort of make themselves at home. I guess the lack of a door to the bedroom is an 'a-okay' for them. We then get our first dramatic test of human logic: two are going to go out and one will sleep, despite it being early afternoon. She explains that she sleeps better during the day. Are you half-vampire or all-stupid? The bed slowly eats her, getting all of her clothing and her book first.

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I have to explain how bad the killing effects are here, since they use them about 600 times. The bed makes a bad stomach-grumbling sound and people/objects begin to sink into the bed. They immediately appear in what seems to be a big tank of yellow water and bubbles. Lots of red dye is squeegeed in, supposedly-symbolizing their deaths. It is as stupid as it sounds. Mix that in with the slow-motion and dubbed-in 'chewing sounds' & you have a really stupid scene. It only gets better during the 'death over the years' montage. This includes a massive orgy (not shown in detail) on a single bed. Not only is it evil, but the damned thing is adamantium-reinforced!

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The movie continues to stretch logic as it goes on too! One girl gets dragged in legs-first, but manages to get away. She crawls all of the way to the door (they show it too) before the bed shoots out a drape and pulls her back in. There is also the guy who gets his hands pulled in while attempting to stab the bed (no, really). He manages to pull them out, but is left with really bad prop skeleton hands. The movie shows us as it slowly falls apart too. Thanks, movie. The whole thing builds up to the narrator finally telling someone the secret of how to kill the bed. Basically, you do witchcraft, draw a circle of blood and is explodes in flames when you do that. That was simple enough, huh?

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This is a really bad movie. That said, it is also quite funny. Unlike other films like Blood Freak, killings and the like occur in the first hour. They are really dumb, but they happen. The fact that Death Bed loves its own stupid effects so much is all the better. If you can get past the slow opening and accept that crappy characters/dialogue/acting/plot for humor, you will have a pretty good time.

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Hey Satan, you want to make another movie? It will star Clint Howard. Stay tuned...