These are the worst Films that I reviewed in 2018. They could come out at any point.
All clear? Great.
Honorary Mention: Alien Covenant, Day of the Warrior, Mama Dracula, Star Wars- The Last Jedi, A Talking Cat!?!, The Shadows, Voodoo Black Exorcist, Bread Crumbs, Terrifier, The Devil's Express, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace- and Tiptoes holy s--t!
Bonus: Who Killed Captain Alex? was the most inept, but made for like $4 by people in Uganda who don't know anything about Movies, so...I'll be nice(ish).
10. The Manipulator: An old man yelling at a woman for 90 minutes. No thanks.
9. Lost River: Ryan Gosling should not Direct- at least if the Film is this bad. The idea of it- a modern fable- is fine. The problem is that it isn't interesting, doesn't give you likeable Characters and is just pointlessly-bleak. Stick to Acting, please.
8. Return to Savage Beach: My last chance to make fun of Andy Sidaris Films. The last two- which I at least had help getting through- were bad. The final, final one is definitely the worst of the two, given that it can't agree whether or not to be a Sequel or a new Story. They throw in little nods to the original Savage Beach, but then also awkwardly-connect this to the last Film. It also has a Buff Bagwell Sex Scene in it, so...yeah, it makes the list.
7. The Snowman: A good Writer. A good Director. A good Cast. Everything goes wrong. From not filming enough footage to having a pretty haphazard Story to how they handled the whole issue with Val Kilmer, this one is a giant mess. It shouldn't have been!
6. The Book of Henry: What an ill-conceived mess. It is a weepy Drama that turns into the tale of a kid training his Mom how to commit the murder of their number! This is supposed to make them all sympathetic! It's just odd how this even got considered, written, approved, produced and released in 2017. Good luck with Episode IX though, Colin. Oh...that's right.
5. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (Both Versions): One is a tale of a Scientist under Dracula's sway. Another is a tale of Aliens bringing Monsters back to life to conquer the Earth. They are both silly. They are both stupid. I couldn't decide which one was worse (usually in a fun way), so they both made it in!
4. Transformers- The Last Knight: This is over 2 Hours long. This is crap. It killed the Franchise (hopefully for good).
It also manages to seem both too long and too complicated in THIS FRANCHISE!
3. Rhinoceros: This should be interesting and hilarious. It is dull, stupid and forced. It also suddenly gets preachy in the last 5 minutes after 80 minutes of over-the-top slapstick. Boo.
2. mother (2017): The Audiences were right. This one is ridiculous, over-the-top, full of itself and just plain bizarre. They tried to squeeze a *super-subtle* adaptation of Genesis into one Film. They made a big, stupid mess of a Film that is as deep as a Dixie Cup.
1. The Poughkeepsie Tapes: A self-important Film that I will hopefully never have to rant about again. A Writer/Director makes a love letter to his own Mary Sue- a Serial Killer who can be ahead of the Police, never leave clues (despite personally-handling over 2,000 VHS tapes), fake his M.O., frame a guy, not get caught and he probably has the cure to Cancer too.
I wish this had stayed 'lost' and without a Release.
Want to know how much crap I watch in a Year? Just see these Lists.
I actually watched so many Bad Films this Year that I nearly forgot to mention Tiptoes- in which Oscar Winner Gary Oldman plays the Little Person Brother of Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey! How bad must a Year be when THAT isn't the worst and/or silliest thing you see?!?
Here's to another Year of crap, but hopefully less of it.
All clear? Great.
Honorary Mention: Alien Covenant, Day of the Warrior, Mama Dracula, Star Wars- The Last Jedi, A Talking Cat!?!, The Shadows, Voodoo Black Exorcist, Bread Crumbs, Terrifier, The Devil's Express, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace- and Tiptoes holy s--t!
Bonus: Who Killed Captain Alex? was the most inept, but made for like $4 by people in Uganda who don't know anything about Movies, so...I'll be nice(ish).
10. The Manipulator: An old man yelling at a woman for 90 minutes. No thanks.
9. Lost River: Ryan Gosling should not Direct- at least if the Film is this bad. The idea of it- a modern fable- is fine. The problem is that it isn't interesting, doesn't give you likeable Characters and is just pointlessly-bleak. Stick to Acting, please.
8. Return to Savage Beach: My last chance to make fun of Andy Sidaris Films. The last two- which I at least had help getting through- were bad. The final, final one is definitely the worst of the two, given that it can't agree whether or not to be a Sequel or a new Story. They throw in little nods to the original Savage Beach, but then also awkwardly-connect this to the last Film. It also has a Buff Bagwell Sex Scene in it, so...yeah, it makes the list.
7. The Snowman: A good Writer. A good Director. A good Cast. Everything goes wrong. From not filming enough footage to having a pretty haphazard Story to how they handled the whole issue with Val Kilmer, this one is a giant mess. It shouldn't have been!
6. The Book of Henry: What an ill-conceived mess. It is a weepy Drama that turns into the tale of a kid training his Mom how to commit the murder of their number! This is supposed to make them all sympathetic! It's just odd how this even got considered, written, approved, produced and released in 2017. Good luck with Episode IX though, Colin. Oh...that's right.
5. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (Both Versions): One is a tale of a Scientist under Dracula's sway. Another is a tale of Aliens bringing Monsters back to life to conquer the Earth. They are both silly. They are both stupid. I couldn't decide which one was worse (usually in a fun way), so they both made it in!
4. Transformers- The Last Knight: This is over 2 Hours long. This is crap. It killed the Franchise (hopefully for good).
It also manages to seem both too long and too complicated in THIS FRANCHISE!
3. Rhinoceros: This should be interesting and hilarious. It is dull, stupid and forced. It also suddenly gets preachy in the last 5 minutes after 80 minutes of over-the-top slapstick. Boo.
2. mother (2017): The Audiences were right. This one is ridiculous, over-the-top, full of itself and just plain bizarre. They tried to squeeze a *super-subtle* adaptation of Genesis into one Film. They made a big, stupid mess of a Film that is as deep as a Dixie Cup.
1. The Poughkeepsie Tapes: A self-important Film that I will hopefully never have to rant about again. A Writer/Director makes a love letter to his own Mary Sue- a Serial Killer who can be ahead of the Police, never leave clues (despite personally-handling over 2,000 VHS tapes), fake his M.O., frame a guy, not get caught and he probably has the cure to Cancer too.
I wish this had stayed 'lost' and without a Release.
I actually watched so many Bad Films this Year that I nearly forgot to mention Tiptoes- in which Oscar Winner Gary Oldman plays the Little Person Brother of Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey! How bad must a Year be when THAT isn't the worst and/or silliest thing you see?!?
Here's to another Year of crap, but hopefully less of it.
'Mother' got the biggest laugh out of me in a theater in... I don't know how long. It was like a big budget version of silly plays my artist friends (and myself) used to put on in backyards and basements.
ReplyDeleteHow is 'The Poughkeepsie Tapes' on there? I watched that years ago.