Last time, it was bad Films from 2017 that I reviewed in 2017. This time, it is all about Films that I watched IN 2017, but weren't made in 2017.
Got it?
Alright. Let's see what crap I endured this year...
Notable omissions: King of the Ring 1995. It's not a Film, but it sucked. Thanks, Bob.
Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts is barely a Film.
10. The Corpse Grinders 3: A bad Remake of a bad Film. A bad Film following a stupid Sequel...which was made 40 years after the Original. The same Movie, but worse and in Mexico.
Pass.
9. The Vulture's Eye/This Darkness- The Vampire Virus: One half of a Film set makes the list together. Stakes was so bad that it is kind of good. Eye is a bad Remake of Dracula, while Virus is a bizarre vanity project. The Lead is the Writer, Director and Editor. He looks like Dante from Clerks and he's an Action Star. One is boring, one is dumb. Both of them are trash.
8. The Uh Oh Show: No offense to the dead, but this sucked. H.G. Lewis' big comeback in the early 2000s was...um...not great. While I haven't seen his last one, it can't be worse than this, right? The most popular Show in the U.S. is maiming people and everyone just thinks that it is fake? People freak out so much over Dancing With the Stars or The Voice. Could they get away with killing people or maiming them too?
7. Any Andy Sidaris Film: Yeah, I'm cheating. In 2017, I watched like 80 of these. It's actually more like 6 or 7 (with one not yet written as of this moment). They all just blend together. Big tits, big guns and stupid stories. Sometimes it is guns, sometimes it is treasure. The Cast is constantly changing (as Actors drop out) and one of them goes from being the Villain of the last Film to being on the team in the next one! As a bonus, Pat Morita is replaced by Roger Moore's Son! They're hilarious at first, but so repetitive at this point.
6. The Zombie Army: Brains? Nope. This one is just low-budget Zombie nonsense and features a silly Story. It jumps ahead like 10 years for no reason and it is just plain boring. You made shooting Zombies dull! What are you, Call of Duty?
5. Sharknado- The 4th Awakens: In the first Film, the silliest part is where Finn goes into a Shark in mid-air and carves his way out with his Son's love interest. In the intro to this Film, a man makes towers that send out pulse waves that break up Sharknados. We've already been to Space, so let's make one of them a Cyborg (nearly an Android!), put another in a Mech-Suit and then pay Gilbert Gottfried to say stuff.
4. Robert: Hi, Bob. This one is about Robert the Doll, a thing that killed nobody and now makes your tire go flat if you don't ask to take a picture with him. This is his Origin Story and...I hate everyone in it. It sucks...and I have to watch the Sequels, don't I?
3. Astro-Zombies M3/M4: Like picking which kid you like least, it is just not fair to make them suffer your decision. Kids, you both suck. You're both cheap and mostly-boring for no good reason. Can't we all just get along?
2. Only God Forgives: I don't. Drive is great. This is...this is just awful. I am not looking forward to Lost River next year.
1. The Time Machine (I Bought At a Yard Sale): How can this not be #1?!? Made as essentially a Demo Reel and put for free on YouTube, this one is just amazingly-bad. So cheap. So bad at covering up its financial shortcomings. So dull. So amazingly plot-less and also full of bad Plot too. It is about a man with a Time Machine...for like 10 minutes. Next he's out in Space with the dullest woman on Earth and somehow gets involved in a future Space War. They work for the Rebellion (they don't know) and then just dick around for the last 10 minutes.
It takes work to be this crap and they manage to do it!
Another year of crap done with. What kind of nonsense will 2018 bring me?
Got it?
Alright. Let's see what crap I endured this year...
Notable omissions: King of the Ring 1995. It's not a Film, but it sucked. Thanks, Bob.
Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts is barely a Film.
10. The Corpse Grinders 3: A bad Remake of a bad Film. A bad Film following a stupid Sequel...which was made 40 years after the Original. The same Movie, but worse and in Mexico.
Pass.
9. The Vulture's Eye/This Darkness- The Vampire Virus: One half of a Film set makes the list together. Stakes was so bad that it is kind of good. Eye is a bad Remake of Dracula, while Virus is a bizarre vanity project. The Lead is the Writer, Director and Editor. He looks like Dante from Clerks and he's an Action Star. One is boring, one is dumb. Both of them are trash.
8. The Uh Oh Show: No offense to the dead, but this sucked. H.G. Lewis' big comeback in the early 2000s was...um...not great. While I haven't seen his last one, it can't be worse than this, right? The most popular Show in the U.S. is maiming people and everyone just thinks that it is fake? People freak out so much over Dancing With the Stars or The Voice. Could they get away with killing people or maiming them too?
7. Any Andy Sidaris Film: Yeah, I'm cheating. In 2017, I watched like 80 of these. It's actually more like 6 or 7 (with one not yet written as of this moment). They all just blend together. Big tits, big guns and stupid stories. Sometimes it is guns, sometimes it is treasure. The Cast is constantly changing (as Actors drop out) and one of them goes from being the Villain of the last Film to being on the team in the next one! As a bonus, Pat Morita is replaced by Roger Moore's Son! They're hilarious at first, but so repetitive at this point.
6. The Zombie Army: Brains? Nope. This one is just low-budget Zombie nonsense and features a silly Story. It jumps ahead like 10 years for no reason and it is just plain boring. You made shooting Zombies dull! What are you, Call of Duty?
5. Sharknado- The 4th Awakens: In the first Film, the silliest part is where Finn goes into a Shark in mid-air and carves his way out with his Son's love interest. In the intro to this Film, a man makes towers that send out pulse waves that break up Sharknados. We've already been to Space, so let's make one of them a Cyborg (nearly an Android!), put another in a Mech-Suit and then pay Gilbert Gottfried to say stuff.
4. Robert: Hi, Bob. This one is about Robert the Doll, a thing that killed nobody and now makes your tire go flat if you don't ask to take a picture with him. This is his Origin Story and...I hate everyone in it. It sucks...and I have to watch the Sequels, don't I?
3. Astro-Zombies M3/M4: Like picking which kid you like least, it is just not fair to make them suffer your decision. Kids, you both suck. You're both cheap and mostly-boring for no good reason. Can't we all just get along?
1. The Time Machine (I Bought At a Yard Sale): How can this not be #1?!? Made as essentially a Demo Reel and put for free on YouTube, this one is just amazingly-bad. So cheap. So bad at covering up its financial shortcomings. So dull. So amazingly plot-less and also full of bad Plot too. It is about a man with a Time Machine...for like 10 minutes. Next he's out in Space with the dullest woman on Earth and somehow gets involved in a future Space War. They work for the Rebellion (they don't know) and then just dick around for the last 10 minutes.
It takes work to be this crap and they manage to do it!
Another year of crap done with. What kind of nonsense will 2018 bring me?
As much as the THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS should have ended with FAST AND FURIOUS,the MALUBI EXPRESS/HARD TICKET TO HAWAII series should have definitely ended with GUNS,since the rest of the films afterwards got ridiculous and unfocused,replete with a handful of previous actors(Roberta Vasquez,Erik Estrada)returning as different characters(to add on further confusion).
ReplyDelete