Friday, February 10, 2012

Lorenzo Lamas Week: Alien 3000

I finally get to explain just how crazy this movie is!  After watching this movie initially, there was so much that I wanted to say.  Well, now I have the chance.  Here's the short version first: Alien 3000 is a lame, Predator rip-off featuring a bunch of people even I don't know.  Longer version: Lorenzo Lamas Produces a lame, Predator rip-off, but barely shows up in it and never meets the main cast.  No, really.  Lamas' name apparently helped this film get funding, so he pays them back by barely giving a shit!  What a Renegade!  There's another weird thing about this movie, but I'll get to that a couple panels in.  I will also say this: there is so much silly crap in this movie that I can't cover it all.  Even with all of these Screen Caps, I can assure you that you're missing out on some material.  To find out what my teasing is all about, read on...
A trio of people are out camping when a freak Earthquake opens up a cave.  They wander in, but are quickly killed off by an invisible beast, like so...
The Government is investigating the cave and the destroyed bodies.  The investigation is not going well, as you can see...
Our heroine is the sole survivor of a trip to the same cave before.  You know, the one that JUST OPENED!  Her flashbacks are also made up of different film stock and feature, wait for it, Tim Thomerson.
You see, this movie is the unofficial sequel to Unseen Evil, which featured Tim.  They changed actresses though, leading to new footage awkwardly mixed into the old footage.  Speaking of awkward mixing...

Lorenzo Lamas is in this movie- kind of.  He works for the government and gets an exposition dump about the aliens, before going off to 'the rescue.'
An alien breaks loose in the lab, leading to him blowing up the building...with a grenade.  Nice model, guys.
Does this effect look familiar?  I should also mention that the creature from Unseen Evil is a spider-type alien a la Alien vs. Hunter.
Lamas and his friend wander around the same sets, but about two scenes behind the main cast.  They eventually take some swords from the cave...and get killed by them.  Bye, Lamas!
After a lot of false endings, our heroine finally kills the alien by blowing up it's head.  She meets up with the Park Ranger- sadly, not Tim- and leaves with the gold.  Did I mention that there was gold?
...Unfortunately, their happy ending is ruined by some crappy, CG ships arriving and more aliens showing up. It's goofy times 100!  The End.
Evil comes in all sorts of forms, apparently.  What can I say about a random movie full of random scenes and random characters.  This movie is a sequel to a movie that nobody ever saw...but still gets so much wrong.  Did they actually watch the other movie?  I mean, they use clips from it, but get so much of it wrong!  For example, Unseen Evil is about some alien spider-thing released when people stole some treasure from a cave.  Alien 3000 aka Unseen Evil 2 is about a humanoid alien-thing released via a random earthquake that kills people who take some treasure...or just hang around near the entrance.  I should also mention that our heroine learns about the treasure link in the last film, constantly telling others to leave the treasure behind.  She apparently forgot all of that when the last film ended and when she was re-cast!  So much of this film is cheap and terrible.  For example, the scene in which Lamas blows up the building.  He tosses a grenade, it cuts to stock footage of a bunch of oxygen tanks, it then cuts to a bad model (see below) and then that model blows up.  Just wow!  If you like terrible, low-budget movies, check this one out.  It's good for all of the reasons that good sci-fi films like Alien is- sort of.  Take us away, crappy, paper mache model...
Next up, yet another 2004 film with Lorenzo Lamas.  In it, he plays an evil a night club...with ravers.  Stay tuned...


  1. This movie was so bad I had forgotten Lamas was even in it. We rented because we thought it was another "Alien" sequel, but the alien in this movie was more a sad rip off of "Predator". We kept watching hoping that there would be a good part - it never happened.

  2. Now if you want disappointment, watch 'Dracula 3000.' It's like 'Dracula 2000,' only with less telepathy and more shitty movie in space.