Poor Bastards of Cinema: Ninja Strikes Back

In Ninja Strikes Back, Bruce and his buddy need a ride to an island to rescue the women slaves from Bolo Yeung and Harold 'Oddjob' Sakata.  They go to this guy...

They wear the guy down with talk until he agrees to take them.  The trip goes fine and the group splits up, the captain opting to stay at the boat.

Unfortunately, the man is attacked in a clearing by ninjas for no good reason!

He tries to fight back, but is killed in quick fashion- Highlander style!

This is why you don't help people!  It never turns out good.  Plus, ninjas don't understand the concept of 'paying it forward.'

Up next, a two-part look at some Poor Bastards from 2009's Ninja.  The first one shows how dangerous the airport really is.  Stay tuned...

Review in Pictures: Legion- The Final Exorcism

I'm in hell!  David Heavener strikes again this month, marking the man's third appearance on Mondo Bizarro. The first time, he was the man who Wrote, Directed and Starred in Dawn of the Living Dead.  That sucked.  Next, he showed up in (Lethal Ninja) For Hire as a mulleted ninja.  That sucked too.  What makes me think that this movie will be any different?  Well...nothing.  Wait- it does have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in it, so that could make it worthwhile.  Of course, he's also been in a ton of shitty movies that weren't called They Live over the years, so I stand by my original opinion.  Here's what you really need to know- this is not a new film.  No, this is actually a 2006 film called Costa Chica: Confessions of an Exorcist.  No, really.  It was only crapped onto the DVD market to make some cash off of the official release of that film I reviewed yesterday. To save you from the major spoilers, here is yet another Review in Pictures.  Let's pretend that this is the Colin Firth film that is also (sort of) called...

Our hero is a Preacher that specializes in Exorcism.  That's about the only comparison to the other film.

Meanwhile, a blond girl is practicing for Cirque Du Soleil.  Well, that or being possessed by (not) Pazuzu.

"Uh, Mr. Piper wandered onto the set again.  Plus, who told him to play a mentally-handicapped person?  You know that he has the range of a boulder thrown by a little girl right?"

The film is a bit confusing, as it begins In Media Res and then jumps back.  It gets bonus points for playing the opening scene TWICE.  Padding- what padding?!?

This makes David feel, well, you figure it out.  I think someone is pinching his balls.

For no good reason, our hero has flashbacks to how he was kicked out of the Church.  I won't say why, but it's a bit silly.

"Suck on this face, evil!"

"What the hell are you trying to express there?!?  I'm so confused that I lose my strength."

"Don't grab the seam of my mask- it's the source of my power!  You are one mighty Exorcist!"

Holy lame shit, Batman!  The plot of this movie is both simple and confusing.  It all has to do with our hero saving a girl from an actual demon, while also trying to get over the metaphorical demons of his past.  This is confusing because the movie begins in the future, goes to the past events and then works its way to the future again.  Between that, we get random flashbacks and cross-cutting between him and the family.  Throw in the girl's scenes, some random talking pigs (I'll get to that) and Piper's sub-plot & you get a confusing mess.  By the way, demons manifest themselves as talking pigs.  I don't know- I guess it sounded cool on paper.  Quite frankly, the whole film is just not that interesting.  There are some crazy moments, but not enough to recommend it as a comedy.  Some of you do like train wrecks though and this one definitely qualifies!  Take us away, Spanish subtitles for 'they live'...

Up next, I take a look at the mainstream (and 3-D) version of a Jules Verne classic.  Why is it always mummies?  Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Sand Serpents

In the Syfy Channel film (and upcoming review in July) Sand Serpents, our heroes have escaped their terrorist captors and call in a blackhawk helicopter for rescue.

"Hurray!  There's no way that this won't turn out to be bad, especially since it's only 20 minutes into the film!"

"Oh shit- Ron Jeremy is attacking!  Hide the women!"

Quick aside- don't these things have radar?  It just seems like a 100-foot worm would show up on that!

Oh right- the helicopter is destroyed and all of the people on board are dead.  Darn the luck!  Darn the luck!

The worst part is that Samuel L. Jackson was on board explaining how they could use the helicopter to escape the building full of dog soldiers!  Ha ha ha- confusing, referent joke!

Lost in Translation: Escape from N.Y.

After so many warped posters, it's nice to see one get it mostly right.  However, one thing stands out...

Gee, when does this film take place?  I could never tell.

By the way, why is that light coming out of the Statue of Liberty?

Up next, a Rankin-Bass animated film is up.  You picked an odd aspect to highlight, guys!  Stay tuned...

A Review in Pictures: The Last Exorcism

Will this movie be worth the hype?  Thanks to Eli Roth, this little movie got a lot of publicity and a theatrical release.  What it is about?  Essentially, it's a mix of The Exorcist and the real life story of Marjoe Gortner.  Yeah, I went there!  Seriously, does Marjoe know that you co-opted his life story for your faux documentary?!?  I know that he pretty much just organizes Celebrity Golf Tournaments (seriously- look it up!) these days, but someone should tell him!  Aside from that, the film is a faux documentary, which means that all of the conceits of this sub-genre are there.  If you like them, good.  If you don't, this movie will bother you a lot.  As for me, I'm just a film critic with a cheap website and my own, silly opinion.  To avoid the furor of the Internet in regard to SPOILERS, I'll do this as a Review in Pictures.  Happy now?  Let's get out our shaking beds as we attempt to take part in...

* We learn that our hero is a child prodigy, quickly rose to prominence in his Church and became the Pastor.

* For no clear reason, he grows tired of faking Exorcisms and agrees to let some random people film him and shows them how he's faking them.  Who are these people?  We never know, so I guess it's not important.

* The trio show up in a town and come across a girl who appears to be possessed.  Well, he convinces the dad that she is, thanks to a bunch of tricks and tools.

* All seems well, until the girl ends up at their hotel for no clear reason.  Something is definitely up, folks!  Thanks to the sub-genre conceit, we get to see the cameraman run to the Pastor's room.  Yea.

* In another conceit, a dramatic scene happens off-camera, since the film crew wasn't around.  That's just lazy!  By the way, this scene makes no context to the rest of the plot when you find out the whole thing.

* Evil lives in this house...but good luck explaining the context of it.  Oh yeah, the constant addressing of the camera never gets old.

* Hey look- trailer moment!  Who would have guessed that the crazy girl would attack you when you approached?  I guess she wanted pancakes.

* In a confusing scene, the 'not possessed' girl acts possessed, but the guy realizes that she's not.  Of course, she actually is.  Wait- what?!?  Way to steal the 'insulting the man's mother' scene from The Exorcist, you hack!

* The finale is a confusing mess, setting up a scene that is far cooler than anything the movie established.  Did a good writer do the Ending for you?  No SPOILERS here, folks...other than this.  The End.

You're both fake and real!  The plot of this movie is a bit of a mess, due mostly to the awkward framing of it. Could this movie have been made as a straight horror film?  Yes.  I guess it wouldn't be 'indy' and 'different' enough if you did that.  Dude, you're ripping off a man's life story and combining it with a rip-off of a famous horror film.  It's not like the film is without merit or anything.  There are some good jump scares for those that like them (not me) and many people will probably like the Cinema Verite quality that they go for.  That said, I have a couple of questions.  The film crew is two people- the Cameraman and the Director/Producer.  Assuming that she holds the Boom/Directional Mic, who is holding up the equipment that blocks the sun's glare?  Is the woman somehow holding up both or are we supposed to be doing that?  I know that this is a picky point to make a film severely lacking in logical flow (where does the Third Act twist come from again?), but bear with me.  My point is that in a normal horror film, I wouldn't ask the question.  Because you had to make it this bullshit 'fake documentary,' these distracting questions come up.  Just don't do it.  Take us away, spine-less girl...

Up next, I cover the blatant rip-off released Direct-to-DVD.  Oh look- David Heavener is involved...yea.  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: Bad Karma

Random and mysterious monsters strike out at you in today's segment.  What kind of creature is it this week?

What the hell is that?!?  Is that an alien skeleton in a Mr. Rogers sweater?  Whatever it is, I'm curious to see it!

Up next, Erik Estrada works for Alien Planned Parenthood.  That or it's a goofy movie released on VHS.  Stay tuned...

Pappa's Day: Stepfather 2- Make Way For Daddy

Ha ha- I skipped the original!  Seriously though, what was I going to say about the original?  It's famous, people like it and Locke kills people.  Instead, I just jumped right to the only other Stepfather film featuring Terry O'Quinn and...it's pretty much the same.  I could just say 'It's Stepfather, but with Lucas from SeaQuest DSV and the evil lady from They Live' and be done with it.  It's tempting, but no.  Instead, I'll labor on through the highly-unnecessary sequel just for you.  Hell, maybe I'll get to the third film soon...but probably not.  Let's just cut the cake and watch out for...

The film begins with a 1-minute montage explaining the first movie.  On the plus side, it's not over ten minutes like Decadent Evil!  It ends with the stepfather being stabbed and waking up in a hospital.  Yeah, your heart works with a giant hole in the middle of it!  They skip over this film cheat to explain that he's serving time in a mental hospital, as opposed to a jail.  He seems to be making strides in the right direction...until he stabs the Warden with a shiv shaped like a Groom from a wedding cake.  The escape is so easy that the film doesn't show it.  Oh well- time to rehash the first movie...

With relative ease, the evil guy ends up with that evil lady from They Live.  Due to her unnatural red hair, her eyes look super-creepy.  Seriously, stop giving Meg Foster close-ups.  Oh right- the plot.  Blah blah blah, the guy bonds with the guy from SeaQuest DSV and The Neverending Story: Part II blah blah blah they are happy.  The only thing that could break up the happy couple is the arrival of the ex-husband.  After spending five minutes setting up the obvious, the guy gets killed by 'Locke' and his body disposed of.  You know, there are prints everywhere, so you're going to get caught.  Plus, you whistle a lot, which is a major plot point.  No, really.

As the wedding approaches, problems arise.  For one, a woman in the neighborhood gets too close to the truth.  To put a stop to this, our villain chokes her to death, plants her body in a noose and then types up a suicide note.  Seriously, you're leaving fingerprints everywhere!  Unless this movie takes place in the 15th Century, you should have already been caught.  The wedding nearly happens, until Ms. Creepy-Eyes connects the 15 random plot threads and realizes that he's a murderer.  They have a fight, which oddly has lots of shots of the woman being tossed into hard objects.  'Lucas' tries to save the day and ends up stabbing the stepfather.  Oh no- he's dead now.  It's not like the series will just cheat again and have him survive for one more film and then a remake a decade or so later.  The End.

I feel like this movie was already made once.  The plot of this movie is, well, predictable.  The stepfather guy finds a new family and ultimately tries to kill them.  I get that it's the basic premise, but maybe you could mix it up a little.  You could throw in a sub-plot with mobsters or something.  I'm not asking for a lot- just an attempt!  They don't.  We only get a few real kills in the movie, which is apparently because we needed to leave room for scenes of the stepfather giving therapy to some suburban housewives.  Ha- it's funny because...wait, why are these scenes in the movie?  Plus, all the bits of him and the kid getting along are really just pointless, aren't they?  I mean, we know he's a killer, so it's not designed to throw us off guard for later or anything.  On the plus side, it has inappropriate scenes of a woman being beaten up, so it is good for some dark humor.  Ultimately, the film is just pointless, offering nothing new and just treading water.  You're in good company now, alongside films like Damien: The Omen II- hurray!

Next up, Real vs Fake Week begins properly with a much-hyped 'fake documentary horror' film.  Will it be a good film or just insult the memory of Marjoe Gortner?  Stay tuned...

Ninja Week (In Pictures): Ninja (2009)

How is this the best one I've covered this week?  This little 2009 film is all about a ninja.  For once, we get some honesty.  This one doesn't feature a ninja avoiding a fight or ninjas striking first instead of striking back.  This actually has a ninja going around and killing people.  A novel concept- I know!  While this film is not good in the classical sense, it is a silly delight to behold.  As such, I'll give you a basic overview in yet another Review in Pictures (Ninja Edition).  Enjoy the random randomness of...

* Remember Steve Oedekerk from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist.  Well, our hero is basically the same character, only meant to be taken seriously.  I mean, just look at this guy!  The entire GNC franchise would die if he ever stopped working out!

* He has a jealous rival at the Ninja Academy, since our hero is an orphan raised there.  By the way, watch that whole 'finding my mother' sub-plot die a sudden and dramatic death in about 20 minutes.  As for his rival, things go badly...

* The rival goes off and becomes a ninja assassin.  No, he's not Rain!  It's hard to imagine what would happen if you spend 20 years training a guy to be a ninja and then kick him out in disgrace too.  Oh yeah, this evil company is off to do...um, evil stuff.

* The ninja gets his revenge on the people that trained him as part of his quest to get a box full of old stuff.  By the way, when is Tom Clancy going to sue the makers of this film...

* Our heroine ends up being captured by the bad guys.  Think that they tied her up tight enough?  I think you missed a loop or two...

* The 'evil company' plot and the 'revenge/getting the box plot' co-mingle in the finale.  One of the random Croatian thugs learns why you don't mess with no ninja!

* In the final showdown, our hero finally puts on the ninja outfit.  It's about bloody time, guy!  I'm sorry- I turned British there for a moment.  They fight and we are treated to lots more CG blood.  Can you guess who wins, who loses and who uses a random Chekov's Gun to save the day?  The End.

Wow- you don't totally suck!  After yesterday's disappointment, I'm just glad to get a simple plot that lives up to its potential.  Two rival ninjas- good.  They actually fight too, making the whole thing actually have a point.  The plot involves a box full of ninja gear...and they actually use it!  I'm so easily impressed, thanks to freaking Ninja Vengeance!  Seriously though, this movie is a lot of fun, even though it feels cheap (check out the CG blood and the obvious studio back-lot set) and is incredibly-generic.  You've seen this movie many times...but you keep watching this movie.  Watch it again.  You may not be proud of it, but it is fun to watch.  It's like (insert thing you like here)!  Who says that I use silly pictures as a crutch?

Next up, it's Father's Day.  What better way to celebrate than with a movie where Locke tries to kill Lucas from SeaQuest DSV.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Eden Formula

The Eden Formula is full of random, pointless deaths.  Much like Cemetery Gates, a whole sub-plot is relegated to just that.

This one features a guy going out to clean up the streets.  He makes a bad discovery...

What could cause such a poop?  Why it's this guy, who's hungry again...

Oh no- you ate the tiny doll dressed in the same clothes as the man too!  Have you no shame?!?

What did this guy do to deserve death?  Street-cleaning isn't exactly a crime, you know!

Next up, a man learns the danger of boating.  Thanks for all the help, Bruce Le!  Stay tuned...