Mondonesia: Dangerous Seductress

It has been a while since I reviewed a Mondo Macabro movie. Like with the Fulci films, I almost felt like I was over-exposing them. Plus, I had this weird mental gaffe where I completely forget about doing them. Either way, they are back. Up first is a movie made in Indonesia, but filmed entirely in English. Is it an awkward experience? Yes. Is the movie completely insane? A big Yes. The movie is chock full of the stuff that I love, but is it a solid experience? Find out in my review of...

Dangerous Seductress

The film begins with a dangerous police chase through the streets of an Indonesian city. A bunch of criminals have stolen some random jewelry. After a few minutes of this, a car crashes and one of the man's fingers flies off. More importantly, the mysterious ring on said finger flies off. The ground sucks the object up and we get to meet our main villain: a mysterious witch. She was buried underground and her body torn apart. Using the power of the ring, she is able to bring part of her body together, but she is still rooted to the ground. She needs some blood to complete the spell and gain her freedom- but where will she get that from? The film cuts...a woman being abused by her boyfriend- lovely. Also the woman is a bottle blond and this is supposed to be in Los Angeles, although all we ever see is the inside of a building. She eventually gets away and calls her sister, who just happens to be a model over in, wait for it, Indonesia. Road trip!

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The young lady settles in pretty quickly, ending up in her sister's lovely mansion. Unfortunately, her sister has to go off for a few days to do a fashion shoot. She gets left behind in the big house by herself, with only her sister's fiancee to keep her company occasionally. The good news is that she discovers some lovely reading material: a big book of black magic. Faster than you can say 'easy plot device,' the witch takes over the young woman and transforms her into the titular character. One fashion montage and one slutty cocktail dress later and she is out on the town. She gets all the Indonesian men all hot and bothered. She goes home with one Australian man (by the way, the movie is full of these guys) after causing another man to crash his car when he tries to follow them. After a long bit of teasing and undressing, she shoots with a harpoon gun (apparently all house boats have one) and kills him. The witch appears in a mirror and sucks all the blood the woman gains through it. It only gets better.

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The movie sort of coasts for a while on two scenarios: the girl kills some man and the sister gets visited by a mysterious woman. All of the foreshadowing for the finale is done by the woman who just appears and disappears at random. She never just says 'your sister is possessed by a demon- go home!' Way to helpful, you damn apparition! Meanwhile, the girl kills more men, including three in one scene set in a meat plant. Go for the high score! She gives more blood to the witch, while a detective investigates the whole thing. Unfortunately, he meets his end at the end of the witch's magic- so much for that plot thread. The sister eventually comes home and ends up battling her sister. Thanks to the help of a mysterious mystic that looks like a cross between Bobby McFerrin and Mr. T. We get a super overload of special effects (read: light flashes and overlays) before the big, bombastic finale. All in all, a very weird experience.

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This movie is really, really weird. If you just stop to analyze the whole thing, the weirdness is only magnified. This is an Indonesian production, featuring many people from the country, a pair of blond models, that weird black guy and a future WWE Diva Search Contestant. This is China Strike Force all over again! Thankfully, this film does not feature Coolio in any way. It does have one of the weirdest Netflix description captions of all time though- 'This campy horror flick features the special-effects makeup artistry of Steve Prouty, the master behind such films as The Cat in the Hat and the live-action How the Grinch Stole Christmas.' Really- that's the best you can do? I guess that will have to do.

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Up next, a tale of love, betrayal and...a Golem? Stay tuned...

Mondo Horror Trivia: Zombi 4/5

First off, don't worry Carl (ILHM). I am not planning on stealing your thunder or anything. I just read something so strange that I felt the need to share it.

*Killing Birds was made in 1987, but did not make it to the United States on video until 1988.
*After Death was made in 1988, but was released on video the same year.

So, what happened to the titles?

Death became Zombi 4: After Death and Birds became Zombi 5: Killing Birds. But they were...it was...aw, forget it.

Who will I 'steal segments' from next? Find out. Stay tuned...

No, Seriously WTF Japan?!?!?: Entrails 1 & 2

I should have learned to leave well-enough alone. When the first one of these films arrived as a broken disc, I should have just moved on. Instead, I added it and its sequel back to my Queue within a week and got them the next. Wow, did they end up being a lot more than I could have ever expected. Both films are from an interesting group of cinema known as Category III. Those familiar with the term will know what to expect, while others will be in the dark. Well, let's turn on the light and review the first film...

Entrails of a Virgin

Well, where to begin? The movie takes a couple minutes to get actually get to its narrative, since it begins with a series of scenes of women having their picture taken. This is also interposed with scenes of sex- get used to that. After a long while, we finally get it all explained. The three women are models and the three men with them are in charge of the shoot. They are out in the boonies...of Japan and filming a photo shoot. Some drinking goes on that night afterward and then things take a turn for the worse. For some reason, one of the guys wants to wrestle a girl. One of them is chosen and put in a variety of wrestling holds like the Sharpshooter, which causes her a lot of pain. The man leaves after this and the men do nothing to help the girl. Instead, they each pair off with one of the others to force them to have sex with them. Wow, I even feel dirty writing this.

The horror plot works its way in as a mysterious stranger covered in mud arrives. He kills the first man in a violent fashion. The sex aspect of the film takes over for a while until another man goes outside and gets killed by the demonic person. The effects shot is intermixed with a mundane one (in this case, a man pole-vaulting)...for some reason. This is done in the later film as well and is still weird. Two of the three girls get attacked by the demon next, the latter of them seems to enjoy the experience a bit too much. She becomes possessed...I think, while the other gets her guts ripped out through her lady parts. Now the title makes sense! Okay, not really.The big problem with this movie the obsession with sex and the desire to not really show anything dirty. Not that I want hardcore, dirty sex in a film, but it seems weird that you would show so much and yet, so little. It also suffers from the same problem as Please, Don't Eat My Mother in that it makes the sex scenes run on forever. Yes, people are having sex- we get it! Oh and they never explain the creature, why it is there or what its motives are other than to knock a Japanese model. I guess that works.

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Entrails of a Beautiful Woman

Our second movie begins with a young woman being dragged into a room and raped. Wow, this movie does not make you wait. This scene goes on for a while (it's still soft-core) and feels really unnecessary. The whole thing is a pretense to have the woman injected with a weird new drug called Angel's Wings. She escapes after a lull in the gang-bang and runs to a local hospital. A nurse tries to help her, but the drug has messed with her mind. She runs to the roof and jumps off...at which point the movie shows a watermelon being dropped from a roof. You cut from a serious scene to a David Letterman gag? Wow, what a tonal shift.

The movie sets up the idea that the gang wants to eliminate any information about the drug. After two or three pointless sex scenes, they capture the woman and gang-rape her. Wow, two in one movie- that's some sort of non-porn record, I think. They inject her with the drug as well, but she seemingly dies. They dump her body, but she returns...with a twist. She has now gained the ability to turn into a weird blood monster. It also has a large phallus as well- I just thought that you should know. Her revenge is bloody, ridiculous and obnoxious. If you ever wanted to see a woman (the bad one from the gang) raped to death by a hermaphroditic monster, this is your movie. At least she dies in the end. Who wins though? Not me.These movies are bad- real bad! They are obsessed with long, stupid scenes of sex that are always blurred out when 'naughty parts' are on-screen. I have to ask again- why show so much sex when you cannot show the whole thing? It's like censoring out the catchphrase in Die Hard 4 (yes, I'm calling it that)- you just don't do it! On top of that, the movies have nothing really going for them. The first film is just a series of people being killed, raped or both. The latter film is a rape-revenge tale that ends with every single person dying in a bloody manner. What is the point then? Should the third film (yes, there is one) ever be released on DVD, will I watch it? I sure hope not. Of course, this is me...so I probably will.

*

Let's step away from Japan and cover a movie from my favorite DVD company. It should be Macabro. Stay tuned...

Video Nasty: The House by the Cemetery

Despite Mr. Fulci's attempts to silence me from beyond the grave by crashing my monitor, I am still here...dammit. Today, I bring you another one of his films from the 'B Catalog' (the 'A' being Zombi, The Beyond, etc.). It is a little film about a family moving into a new house and something going terribly wrong inside- stop me if you've heard this one before. In fairness, this movie does have a couple plot twists that other genre pieces like this do not. Also, to be fair, most of them make no damn sense. Well, before I lose visual again, let's jump right into...

The House by the Cemetery

Our story begins with a strange bit involving a couple wandering into a house for some nookie. The guy goes to fetch some water when he bites the dust. The girl goes looking and gets a knife through the head. She is subsequently dragged off by an unseen killer. Pointless death and mystery- this is how you start a Fulci film! We jump several months and show a couple looking into buying a new house in New England. The first odd thing is that it was previously owned by a colleague of the man who committed suicide after killing his mistress. Note that this is NOT the couple from before. This house is a bigger killing field than the actual Killing Fields! So, in spite of this, they are going to stay in the house for six months while the man finishes his thesis on old houses. Cue the killing!

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Not so fast, we have a lot more character development and foreshadowing to do! First, we get lots of scenes of the people cleaning up and finding weird things in the house. Next, we get the babysitter who just sort of shows up. No, it's not Mary Poppins- although, that would have been a great addition. We also get some weird foreshadowing involving a mysterious girl appearing to the boy. Can we do one ghost movie about a house without this?!? Oh and they also discover a burial crypt built into the living room floor. You know, the usual stuff. By the way, the lady's name on the crypt is- I'm not kidding- Jacob Freudstein. What- did you think that the name Bela Jungula was too silly? There is also back-story involving the colleague investigating disappearances in the area, which is not part of his research. By the way, don't go in the attic.

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The attic proves to be the real danger of the house. Fortunately, someone has bolted the door in place. Oh wait, the babysitter opens it up. The door also manages to be a really silly and ridiculous plot device. The babysitter goes down there, but is attacked by a mysterious man. She flees up the stairs, but the door is suddenly super-locked and cannot be opened. The real estate lady is killed by a mysterious corpse's arm coming from the crypt as well. Just to note, the door opened and closed easily in an earlier scene where a bat attacked the father. Also note how obscenely- and oddly- bloody that scene is. It's like they said 'we need a lot of blood, so put it all in here!' They go into the attic later and discover the babysitter's head! On the plus side, you don't have to pay her.

*

I am going to spoil the ending here. I do so because it is interesting, but makes zero sense. You have been forewarned.

*

The father goes away looking for more information. He eventually drives really far away to where Dr. Freudstein (heh heh) is supposedly-buried. He gets there right before closing, only to be told that his doctor is in another graveyard. Cue the rush back home. As he does that, the mother and son investigate the basement again. Somehow, the dad gets back in time...to join them down there as the monster reveals itself. As it turns out, Dr. Freudstein had done some morbid experiments and made himself into an immortal monster that lived in the basement. Of course, I should have known! The dad attacks him with a knife, only for his wound to reveal some lovely maggots that slip out. Turnabout is fair play as the monster stabs the dad. The mom and kid try to run away and escape through the small hole in the crypt...instead of the door. After a really extended sequence, the kid escapes and the mom is killed. The kid gets through and...ends up in the past with the girl from earlier and a living Mrs. Freudstein.

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Hey, don't look at me, I did not write it.

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Yeah, I don't know what to say about this movie. Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, there are tons of scenes that just run really long for no clear reason. On top of that, the monster is not ever really explained all that clearly. Plus, why is there the whole thing with ghosts? Is it a zombie movie, a slasher film or a ghost film? This is truly a gumbo of cinema, but is it actually good? Well, unlike Baby, it does have more moments and has a somewhat-sustained pace. It is not on par with Fulci's better work, but it definitely is at least worth a look for curious horror fans. I cannot guarantee that you will like it, but it is certainly interesting.

*

Up next, a pair of movies that made my eyes bug out. This is no joke, people. Stay tuned...

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EDIT: I'm sorry for another delay. Yesterday did not end up with enough time. I hope the next review makes up for it.

Indian Head Time

Unfortunately, technical difficulties have delayed the release of yesterday's review of Manhattan Baby. Basically, my monitor is on it last legs. Kind of hard to type without seeing what you write. Hell, it's hard enough for me to type properly when I can!

I'm hoping to get this resolved today and bring you the double-bill of Manhattan Baby and The House by the Cemetery. See you soon, hopefully.

Update: Finished and posted the review of Manhattan. You can thank my work computers for that. I also bought a new monitor from an unnamed store that offered me the Best Buy. I will find out tonight whether it works or not.

Fun With Fulci: Manhattan Baby

After referencing this movie so many times, it only seems fitting that I actually get around to reviewing it. Why have I put this movie off? Well, lots of reasons. First off, there are far better films to discuss like Scanner Cop and Absolon. Second, I was starting to feel like I was picking on Mr. Fulci and I don't like picking on the dead (he died of Diabetes-related causes in 1996). Unless, of course, it is Joe D'amato and Bruno Mattei- they have it coming. Now that I have given the guy a respite, it is time to pick apart his work-for-hire crap. Let's start with a movie that is good in theory, but awful in execution. It is...

Manhattan Baby

The film begins in Egypt and it appears to be real footage of the country. In fairness, Dawn of the Mummy was filmed there too. We get an excavation mixed with a family vacation, because that is a good idea. "Hey kids, check out the curse of the Pharaohs!" One kid wanders off into a tomb and discovers a weird and very expensive necklace. If you want to know where most of the budget went, you are looking at it, sir! The dad goes off exploring as well (although, to be fair, it is his job) and stumbles upon a trap. A weird blue light (damn you, Sony technology!) shoots out and blinds him. Faster than you can say 'their travel visas expired,' the movie jumps to the titular location. Hello Manhattan, good-bye excitement.

*

The movie falls into a bad rut at this point. Usually I'm at least one more paragraph down before I have to say this. Manhattan Baby is just a special case, I guess. The dad gets all pissy about being blind and the girl who discovered the jewelry starts acting cryptically-weird. I will Fulci some credit for being understated here, but he also needs to, you know, make it interesting too! We get some weird moments talked about, but almost none of them shown. You want to hear a kid talk about being sent through a portal to Egypt? Sounds fun. You want to actually see it? Tough shit! You will get your boring description and you will like it! You do get one genuinely strange moment where the girl has her picture taken in Central Park. Yeah, they shot there for a day or two. When the picture comes out (this is in the Polaroid days still), she is invisible, but the necklace shows up. They write it off as nothing...because they are idiots, but a mysterious person notices.

*

In another curious moment, a woman randomly shouts down at the mother and warns her about her daughter. Naturally, she believes this woman and goes to investigate. Blah, blah, blah, nothing happens. One guy does get teleported away, but it is behind closed doors. Plus, it is never followed up on- hurray! Our heroes eventually talk to a curious collector of antiquities who explains that the necklace is the vessel for a mysterious spirit. They don't really believe him until he gets mauled to death by his stuffed falcons. If you want the lone Fulci moment in the film, skip to this one. Blah, blah, blah, nothing happens and then I fell asleep. The End.

*

I'm exaggerating a little for effect, but not by much. Only the most patient of moviegoers should dare to rent this movie. Fulci is weird (Cat in the Brain), perverse (Sodoma's Ghost) and nonsensical (The House by the Cemetery), but he is almost never boring. Congratulations on achieving a new landmark. I would shake your hand, but I doubt there is anything left of it at this point. Hey, don't get mad- you know Fulci would have laughed at that. This feels like a good idea that needed a bigger budget or, hell, any budget! Much like Day of the Dead, you can see what they were going for, but the point is still fairly-moot. The movie is underwhelming in almost every way, which is a shame when you see the lone good parts. A wasted opportunity, but one film that could almost use a pointless remake in America. They can't make it any worse...can they?

*

I pick on the dead one more time as another 'classic' of Lucio's gets a once-over. Stay tuned...

Impossibly Cool Cover Art: Asylum Two-Fer

After last week's debacle with Robo-Vampire, let's go with something a little more mainstream. The key word being 'little.' DVD company The Asylum is the bane of both casual viewers and film critics (as little paid as I might be). Casual fans are tricked into buying these movies or get them as gifts from unknowing parents. Critics lambaste them for their cheap tactics and even cheaper production values. These people also know how to make really eye-catching DVD covers like...
Okay, now how big must this dinosaur be? Is it 1,000,000 feet tall or what?!? If not, this is just really bad example of scale. This is a trick they used again for this movie...Yeah, that's basically the same background re-edited. I told you they were lazy. Just remember, no matter how bad this is, nothing beats this DVD cover for inappropriate use of scale...Up next, one word: Lambert! Stay tuned...

Men of 1,000 Voices: Ron Perlman

Voice acting is a simple, yet complicated job. You have to act without seeing another person other than the director/producer. It is just you, a booth and a stool. Now- act! Celebrities can get away with lazy performances because, well, they are celebrities. Aside from those people who go 'ooh, look- it's Jerry Seinfeld as a bee,' aficionados of cartoons will recognize certain people who keep re-appearing. I would like to pay tribute to some of those men and women who can voice talking cartoon bears or aliens with tentacles for a living. Our first subject is...

Ron Perlman

The man has his fingerprints all over the animated DC Comics universe. I mean, just look at who he has played...

Clayface: He played the Batman villain in the 1990's animated show. He later came back for the role for Justice League of America years later. He's also doing it in the upcoming Batman: Arkham Asylum game.
Orion: He also played the son of the villain Darkseid on Superman: The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.

Slade: On Teen Titans, he played a renamed version of 'Deathstroke the Terminator.' I guess that name was too scary for tweens. He also played a character in last year's Turok game with the same name, but he is not the same guy.
Jax-Ur: On Superman, he played a version of General Zod in a version of the story from Superman II. The female Kryptonian was played the same lady from the film, by the way.
Bane: He played the Batman villain on the revamped version of the show simply called The Batman (as well as the Arkham Asylum game). He later played another villain called...
Killer Croc: In the villain's inaugural appearance, he played the large, reptilian foe of Batman. He has sports a rare use of an accent. This character was later captured by...
Rumor: Yeah, he voiced this guy too. This character was against all of Batman's foes and the man himself. The Batman got a little confusing, huh?

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Now, after playing all of those DC villains, would you be surprised to learn that he also played...

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Batman: In Justice League: Heroes (a game that would have been great with 4-player co-op), he took over the role of the Dark Knight. He's actually quite good.
The Hulk: He played the green giant on the Fantastic Four cartoon show. On an earlier one, he played a villain called the Wizard. Plus, just for fun, he voiced a Hulk villain called Abomination in the Hulk: Ultimate Destruction game.

*

He also played 'Conan' in the titular game, was a character in Wing Commander Academy and even guest-starred on Phantom 2040 (a possible show to cover later). Of course, he is also the narrator in all of the Fallout games- even that crappy one one which is not an RPG.

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So, next time you hear a deep, gravelly voice, it just might be Ron. That or Powers Boothe...or Michael Ironside. I'm sure that I will touch on them more later.

*

Coming up next: the man, the myth, the Brown. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Absolon

This movie is like the Holy Grail of actors that are willing to appear in any random film that you will pay them for. Ron Perlman is an actor I really like who does do good films (all 4 Hellboy films- 2 live and 2 animated), but he has also starred in such crap as Primal Force, where he battles killer baboons. Christopher Lambert was in the original Highlander and Greystoke, but he was also in every other Highlander film as well (save for The Source). As for Lou Diamond Phillips, well, um...he was in La Bamba. Remember that? So what kind of story do you craft around these three 'titans of cinema.' One word...

Absolon

In the year 2010, a horrible virus named N.D.S. has run rampant throughout the land. By the way, you may want to just get vaccinated now, just to be safe. Also, just to note, this movie was made in 2001- way to plan ahead! Back to the story, there is no cure for the disease, only Absolon. The drug, you see, is taken daily to keep people for getting an escalation of symptoms. So people are no longer judged based on their dollar worth- just on how much Absolon that they can afford. With the backdrop firmly established, we get the plot: a mysterious scientist is killed and a detective (Lambert) must take his team and solve it. His group includes a young lady who looks a lot like the female 'Mythbuster' from the TLC show. I just thought that I would share an interesting fact with you since the movie is, well, not all that interesting.

*

The plot gets really generic from hereon out- you were warned. A government agent (Phillips) is sent in to investigate the whole thing as well, but appears to have his own agenda. It's alright though, I'm sure he's not a bad guy. I mean, he just wears all black, makes angry faces and talks in cryptic statements. Oh and he reports to an evil industrialist (Perlman), who I'm sure has no ulterior motive as well. Incidentally, Ron's character is really lackadaisical and wears really weird sunglasses for no reason. Faster than you can say 'that is a really obvious twist,' Lambert ends up on the run from *gasp* Phillips, by order of Perlman. I trusted you two! This builds up to my favorite scene: the dramatic leap. Lambert and a lady jump from a bridge and into a moving truck below. Excuse me, that's wrong. Some random kid in Lambert's clothes and the lady jump into a movie truck. Hell, the trailer even shows this!

*

Drugs play a big part in this movie: both in the plot and clearly on-set. In one hilarious scene, Lambert is rescued by a resistance movement group and just starts eating. He actually goes and gets more food in the middle of the scene! If you don't get the feeling that the famed actor is high, you need to check your prescription glasses. I would be remiss without mentioning Perlman's performance later in the movie. He does two scenes whilst leaning back in a chair and appearing barely awake. Method acting gone too far- perhaps.

*

Absolon's ending is not all that bad, at least the first one. The movie tosses about six-hundred twists at you in the very end. While it works in some films (Equilibrium, for one), it does not work here. Basically, it looks like Lambert has the cure for N.D.S. inside of him and must live. Oh, but that is not good enough. First, we learn that there is another man with it as well (why?!?), but he is killed a little later. Later still we learn that Absolon is the real virus and N.D.S. is all made up. The only thing that saves this is Lambert killing Phillips with electricity, making it appear like he is having a 'quickening.' On second thought, this movie is still bad.

*

Much like yesterday's film (Alone in the Dark), the movie only gets any merit because of its cast. Unlike that movie, the people they got are merely interesting, but not really all that good. The movie is so utterly generic that a couple of silly things stand out to lighten the mood (i.e. the stunt double shot). Plus, it uses that really stupid effect from the era where you shoot people walking down a street and do the 'fade out and reappear' trick. Certain people (i.e. my friend Bob) is really bothered by this, while I find it just silly. Does it really accomplish anything? Either walk down the street or don't! That really sums up the whole movie in a nutshell though: does it accomplish anything? Nope.

*

Up next, I return to the world of Lucio Fulci. Will there be zombies? What do you think? Stay tuned...

Impossibly Cool Cover Art: Robo-Vampire

Yet another completely new and totally-uninspired-by-another-site addition to the site? I am truly too good to you people. In the inaugural edition, I present you a contrast between fantasy (the poster) and the reality (the actual film). What better way than with a Godfrey Ho film? This is the poster presented by the movie...
...and this is how the robot looks in the real film.
Feeling sad and disappointed yet? Read the full review at That Guy With The Glasses (link is on the front of the page) and see just how much more you really should be.

Well, it could be worse. It could be this crappy Silver Age robot (image courtesy of www.superdickery.com- a cool site, even if it never updates).Coming up next: The Asylum. That's all I really need to say. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Shakedown (2002)

Screenplays are often composed of a series of events that take a suspension of disbelief to accept. Other times, the movie is just so completely stupid (Wild Zero, a common whipping boy), bizarre (Starcrash, another one) or nonsensical (Please Don't Eat My Mother) that you just have to raise your hands in surrender. Occasionally, these movies are so ridiculous that they reach a Nirvana-like level of being so crazy and stupid that they are great. Such is the case with today's movie, a little gem of the direct-to-video market. With stars like Erika Eleniak (of Dracula 3000 fame) and Ron Perlman (or Ice Pirates fame), how could this go wrong? Find out in my review of...

Shakedown (2002)

Sadly, this movie neglects the opportunity to use the Bob Seger song that shares the same name. I'm just saying...

*

The story begins a woman (Eleniak) going to a rundown apartment building. Her son is a part of a gang that is up to no good. Unfortunately, her plan of showing up and back-talking to the armed thugs backfires and she is forced to help out in a robbery. We cut to the bank where said robbery will occur, but there is a problem: the FBI is there. Why? There is a crazed militia leader that is going to show up and steal a bio-weapon that a scientist keeps in a safe deposit box. Of course, that makes so much sense. The group shows up, as does the group of Compton thugs. A shoot-out begins, with Eleniak and a couple of other innocents stuck in the middle. What is the most logical thing that can happen?

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A giant, f-ing earthquake! Oh, hell yeah!

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The joy of this effects frenzy is ruined by the quick realization of Deja Vu. These effects shots sure do look familiar. Also, why do the wrecked cars appear to be right out of 1973 when the movie came out in 2002? The answer is simple and very, very sad: they are stolen shots from the classic '70s film Earthquake. No, really. They sprinkle in some new F/X shots of falling debris, but it is not good. If you ever wanted to see Poser rocks/beams fall towards people and then make them disappear, this is your movie. Everyone gets trapped inside the building, but still cannot get along. Lots of shooting and shouting takes place. Oh and our hero (the lead FBI agent) slowly turns into a cross between John McClane and Inspector Tequila.

*

The movie devolves into action cliches aplenty at this point. Just take your pick, really. Erika gets caught by Perlman and pretty much does nothing. Our hero runs around, shouts and shoots a lot. His clothing gets worn down to a wife-beater and he even slides down a railing and shoots. Debris gets shot off of random objects as well, so that cliche is fulfilled too. Oh and there is a whole sub-plot involving the government sending some bombers to destroy the building due to the bio-weapon being in there. To review: they want to create a giant cloud of smoke to stop the spread of a virus. With a ticking clock- and more random, falling debris- how will our hero succeed? In my favorite moment, the macho hero has a free shot at Perlman- who is killing random hostages for no reason- and shoots him...in the shoulder. What is your damn problem, moron?

*

Is this movie good? Obviously not. Is it clever? Again, no. Is it so completely ridiculous that you just have to smile and laugh? Hell yeah. Perlman is so randomly-amusing and everyone else is just so stagnant. When you cast a man named 'Wolf Larson' as your lead, you get what is coming to you. To make things all the sillier, the DVD actually comes with a commentary track by the writer and director. Do they acknowledge the silly effects shots they stole? Yep. Unlike the makers of Max Magician and the Legend of the Rings, they embrace your laughter. You should embrace this movie, even if you are laughing behind its back.

*

What happens when you cast the stars of Wolf Lake, Point Men and Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow in one film? One word: touche! Stay tuned...

InSanitarium: Alone in the Dark (1982)

What happens when you get a bunch of old men, tell them to act insane and give them weapons? Until we arm our septuagenarians in 'the homes,' we have today's film. It is a fairly-forgotten movie, in spite of its notable cast. Why does this happen? Well, most people can count on their hands the number of major slasher films that were blockbusters that did not include the words 'Freddy,' 'Halloween' and/or 'Friday the 13th' in the title. Let's make up for this oversight, shall we? This is..

Alone in the Dark

In case it was not clear, this is NOT the Uwe Boll 'adaptation' of the game. I have already reviewed one Boll film and think that is enough. Okay, maybe Postal if someone manages to get me drunk. Really, really, really drunk!

*

Our story begins with a new psychiatrist and his family showing up in a lovely New England house. He is taking over for the previous doctor who has left for personal reasons. This proves to be a somewhat important fact later on. The estate is a very nice one, save for one problem: the dangerous psychopaths who inhabit one of the place's floors. In many ways, the group appears to be a more dangerous version of the group in the 80s film The Dream Team. They even have the crazy guy who thinks that he is a religious figure, only he is not funny. The key members of the group include the religious nut (Martin Landau), the mysterious nose-bleeding man (nobody famous), the fat killer (also an unknown) and one violent guy (Jack Palance). I'm sure that this will not end badly.

*

While our hero deals with some personal issues at home, the crazy people scheme. In their deranged minds, they have formed a simple answer to why their favorite therapist has left: the new guy killed him. They plan their revenge, but first, they need to get out. As luck would have it, a massive storm in the area causes a major power outage. They kill their guards and go out into the general population. It goes about as well as you might think. Palance goes out to a punk rock club and nobody blinks an eye. Martin 'Ed Wood' Landau chops up some nice people in a diner. Oh and the nose-bleed guys puts on a hockey mask to disguise his face. We actually never see it for a long time. Do I smell a plot point coming on?

*

During all this, a lot of personal issues have come up. The doctor's sister is in town and she is not exactly 100% mentally-sound anymore. Another young woman is in the house and she is a bit more politically-motivated. She comes back from a rally with a mysterious man who got arrested with her. Mysterious man, huh? After arriving back home, the killers show their ugly heads. They even kill the hippie-esque owner of the sanitarium (Donald Pleasence) with a crossbow. Man, that guy's track record with killers is not too good. This is the best part of the movie, full of suspense, scares and one random freak-out (featuring monster effects by Tom Savini). By the way, in case you did not figure it out, the mysterious man is the nose-bleed guy.

*

I will spoil the ending here, but for a good reason. It is a surprisingly-lazy Deus Ex Machina move.

*

The last remaining killers (read:the leads) finally get in the house and corner our heroes. As Palance prepares to shoot them, the power flashes back on. This causes the television to turn itself back on (what kind did they buy?!?) and it shows the previous psychiatrist interviewed by a reporter. The people back off and the day is saved. Wow, that was a really dumb ending for such a good movie.

*

This movie is honestly quite good, especially considering the average quality of slasher films of this day. I mean, we've all seen The Burning, right? The film is pretty much sold on its casting and that is it. While the movie is paced well, shot well and done in a solid manner, it would be merely average with any other set of actors. Seeing Palance and Landau both in villainous roles was nice and its a shame that it did not happen more (aside from Palance's good performance in a 1970's adaptation of Dracula). I have also gone the whole review without mentioning that the lead is one of the guys from The A-Team. That says something about how interesting the casting is when I forget to mention that factoid. If you can forgive the ending (a necessary evil for many of these films), you will have a really good time.

*

Have you ever wanted to see a giant series of coincidental events all take place in one location at one time? In that case, I have the direct-to-video movie for you. Stay tuned...

WTF China?!?: Eternal Evil of Asia

*Somehow, this is my most viewed post on the website.  As such, I feel that it needs a little bit of a touch-up*

Sometimes, even I am amazed by what I see on screen. Quite frankly, if I was too jaded, I would not even bother with movies. Fortunately, there are strange films lurking everywhere, sort of like Anglerfish on the bottom of the ocean. You can't see them for a long time, but, when you do, you take notice. Good or bad, movies like Blood Freak and Duel to the Death keep me interested in finding out what else I have missed. Such is the case with today's film, a fairly obscure import film with a very strange plot. This is not the first time that a film like this has showed up and sure won't be the last. This is...

Our film begins with a weird and superfluous prologue explaining that magic is real and that magicians are dicks. This is evident when they show them resurrecting dead babies as Grudge-looking zombies. The movie also says- seriously- that 'kid zombies are still kids and like to watch movie.' Yeah, that subtitling is a bit off. Oh and don't ever take a zombie kid to the bathroom. Well, ready for the actual plot now?

A man comes home from work and is not having a good time. He complains about his son eating badly and his wife letting him get away with it. On top of that, his parents have recently died and he is worried about them coming back as zombies, as lore says they might. Thanks the ministrations of a mysterious man, they appear to do just that. The whole scene escalates to the point where he lashes out with an axe and tries to kill them...more, I guess. Unfortunately, this appears to be an illusion and he has accidentally killed his family. Ruh roh, Shaggy! Another hallucination later and he dives off of the roof and is impaled by strobe lights. We cut to three men upset about this and talking vaguely about what may have inspired this. And now for something completely different.

We cut to a hair salon where we get some cryptic foreshadowing. One Thai woman asks the lead woman to keep all of her hair in a bag for her. She explains that this is out of fear of it being used in a spell. This woman is then lectured by her friends about sex. Yeah, this movie is not really work-safe, by the way. This goes on for a while and in great detail. It also has nothing to do with the film, save for setting up a bit where the villain makes one of the three men temporarily impotent before a night with his fiancee (the lady barber). This movie really does have no boundaries! The next day, the woman is about to give some lady a haircut when she suddenly sends a fireball flying across the room! What the hell?!? She explains that a ghost was following the woman and that she scared it away. Oh, that...makes...sense. She pushes our heroine to find out what happened in Thailand on a trip. When I tell you, you still won't believe me.

Our four heroes get chased out of a corrupt bar by ax-wielding bouncers- not the weird part- and end up lost in the woods. They stumble upon a wizard's house, but right before he is about to battle another wizard. Oh and one of them calls the guy a 'dickhead' and is summarily transformed to match his insult. 

No, really. The wizards he battles are a couple that flies and shoots sparks while having sex. After helping the wizard, our heroes are repaid. They meet his sister, who falls for our lead character. The wizard is trying to keep her secluded because of a vision of her death in this year, but agrees to make her a love potion to use on the guy. This involves sweat from her body, which is gathered while she gyrates naked...in front of her brother. The spell backfires and gets the other three instead. This leads to...exactly what you think it does. In the morning, the girl freaks out to see three men in her bed and attacks. In the ensuing chaos, she falls backwards onto a knife. Thus the revenge scheme is set.

I assure you that everything I said is 100% true. See it for yourself if you doubt me.

A wizard's revenge is dark and mean. One men is put under a hex that forces him to eat everything, including human flesh. He dies after eating a whole woman (not shown in full) and most of his own arm. The third man initially escapes the vengeance by way of a magical protective shell (don't ask). He is tricked out of it, however, by an illusion of his sister (the barber) being raped and left to burn alive. Despite being told to ignore the illusions, he goes out and gets filled with more pins than a famous Clive Barker character. It only gets worse from here. Since he felt that the three men raped his sister (not exactly the truth), he decides that he wants the last man's fiancee (the barber). So, naturally, he covers himself in human blood and approaches her in ghost/Predator form. After attacking the man's prone body, he convinces the woman to do anything he asks. This leads to one of the freakiest things I have ever seen in my life. The movie cuts between him standing naked in a room covered in blood and the woman having pantomime sex with him. Yeah, that's enough movie for me.

No, I did not watch the full ending. You can see why.

Who the hell thought up this movie?!?  It is chock full of gore effects, nudity and a nonsensical story. Wizards, rape and magical cannibalism- oh my! I was in awe of this movie's sheer insanity and constant craziness.  When the most normal part of the film involves a woman explaining how to handle a man's junk, you know that you are in for something peculiar!  The effects are actually quite good and are not as dated as you might think.  If you are extremely open-minded and are not scared off by lots of random nudity, I recommend this.  For better or for worse, it is really f@^#ing strange.

How do I follow up a movie like this? With Jack Palance and Martin Landau as killer mental patients. Yeah, that will work. Stay tuned...

The Clone Wars (Last House on Left)- Double-Feature!

Last House on the Left is an iconic film, yet, how many of us have actually seen it? We can talk about how daring it was and how it inspired the whole 'revenge movie' genre, even when it was supposed to be debunking it. Or how it is the most violent movie to have an 'anti-violence message.' That's all well and good, but I want to talk about how much it got ripped off. I have two examples for you today, since of them does not bear its own space. Let's start off with...

Last House on the Beach

The plot to this movie is embarrassingly-simple. A trio of men rob a bank in the day-time and flee. Things did not go smoothly, however, and two people in the building were killed. We don't find out by whom until later. As luck (good or bad, depending on who you are) would have it, they hide out at the titular location, only to discover that it is occupied...by a hot nun and her students (read:28yearolds). I guess we can stay for a couple of days.

*

The movie is not completely terrible, but it is quite indecisive. The blond-haired gang leader is always 'playing nice' when the others get a little too grabby. He actually makes them stop fondling one 'girl' under the pretense of them having to leave early the next morning. In the middle of the night, however, two of the men grab the girl and go to have their way with her. When the nun tries to intercede, the 'nice guy' grabs her and makes her watch. So which one is it? He tries to give a speech later saying how he 'never did anything.' The movie, thinking us to be completely dumb, shows scenes from the robbery of him shooting two people juxtaposed against his 'explanation' of the events. Yes, because we clearly trusted him, movie!

*

The ending is alright, though it feels a lot like Thriller aka They Call Her One-Eye. The bad guys all get shot in slow-motion and we are all supposed to feel better. The blond leader goes down really slow though. He gets shotgun-blasted in the chest, but still fights the girls. Who the hell is this guy- Andrew Jackson (look it up)! He gets beaten up with sticks in a very prolonged scene. Movie over yet? Yes. The End.

*

Incidentally, the above movie is the one with the line I quoted in the teaser.

Last House on the Edge of the Park

Despite having such a long, obtuse title, this is actually superior to the other one. Through a long series of events I won't disclose, a macho guy and his 'toady' friend end up at a rich people party. They have some issues with them, however, like the rich guys cheating one of them at cards and one girl being all talk and no action. Naturally, our macho lead decides to hold them hostage and torture them. Yeah, that's a natural escalation. To the movie's credit/detriment, this part makes up most of the movie (roughly one hour and ten minutes). I will give them credit for not 'holding their cards' for too long, but this part does drag a bit since it is so one-sided.

*

So what do we get exactly? One guy gets beaten up and tied to a table, where he spends 80% of the movie. Another- who looks like a cross between Ryan Phillipe in Cruel Intentions and that jerk on Gossip Girl- gets beaten up a lot, even to the point where he should clearly either be dead or nearly dead. One model lady gets her top pulled down a couple of times and yelled at. A brunette is nearly raped by the other guy, but he chickens out. Later, after he says that he doesn't want to hurt her, she does it willingly. Wow, you are coerced easily in barely an hour. The girl who would not put out for our lead is yelled at a lot and is forced to finally 'follow-through' with it. Oh and another girl shows up right at the one hour mark so she can be cut with a straight razor.

*

Why is this movie better? In spite of its masochistic tone, there is a point to it all. In the end, we learn that the whole thing was a set-up. You see, they have a random 'girl gets killed by the villain' scene which feels unnecessary. Later, we learn that the girl is, wait for it, the blond guy's sister. He let him there, made him mad and got attacked so he could eventually get his gun and kill the guy in 'self-defense.' Yeah, it is a weird and obtuse revenge scheme, but even he admits it. The villain gets shot several times- including in his special area- but takes around five minutes straight to die. Also, he barely ever bleeds from his four bullet wounds while in the pool. I guess we should all feel better, right? The End.

*

I will give the latter film credit- I would definitely NOT do a revenge scheme of my own now. Not because of the whole 'cycle of violence' thing. Just because I realize now how hard it is to pull off. Plus, your friends may not like being 'raped for your cause.' They don't elaborate on that part, but I would think that there was some dislike of that guy afterward. So this goes to show you that good, iconic films should be left alone. It's not like anyone would remake this movie...oh wait, they already did. Stay tuned next Halloween for I Spite on Your Grave (2010), I guess.

*

Up next, a film so bizarre that you need to know about it now. Unfortunately, I am out of time. See you tomorrow. Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Feast

Based on popular demand (i.e. the one person who usually posts comments said that he wanted more), this series is back. Will I ever escape this? Actually, it is possible. All I need to know is go out the back door, grab the key hidden on the highest point of the bookcase and spin around three times. Once that is done, I will be safe. So, now I just need to go do...AARGH! Title attack! It's...it's...

Feast

This happens early on in the movie and is not meant to have the same effect. Instead, this is done to create a strange, morbid laugh. At least, the first time. When they re-used this bit in Feast III (see my review to see what else they stole), it was just sad. I'm not going to focus on that one and instead focus on the good one (it's a relative compliment, really).

*

What they know: they were enjoying a beer or two in a desert bar when a tiny monster showed up. It caused lots of mayhem in a moment, including cutting off a biker's leg and skinning off Jason Mewes' face. Eventually, they get it locked in a soda cooler and think that everything is alright. Unfortunately, they are wrong- dead wrong. They learn that the monster they just stopped was one of the baby off-shoots of the real beasts. Fortunately, hope is here.

*

A burly young man ('McSteamy' from Grey's Anatomy) shows up with a shotgun and a barrel full of machismo (the latter bit is metaphorical, of course). He explains that if they work together, everyone will make out it alive. Evidently, he missed the two corpses on the floor. Right at the end of his speech, a monster's arm bursts through the wall and pulls him partway through. Faster than you can say 'I hated this in Zombie 5 too,' his body comes back without a head. This, of course, comes after the movie touts him as the hero of the movie who will practically live forever.

*

This movie is not that bad, although its low-budget is evident in the use of dark lighting. Even so, the tone is handled fairly well and the movie is pretty enjoyable. When it gets a bit darker (thematically), it is less fun. Did we need a scene of a wounded woman being raped by monsters? Not really. I've said enough about this series though, to be honest. I will just add more thing: that bullshit ending with the robot is still stupid. Who thought that was a good idea?!? Ahh, I feel better.

*

Is there more on the horizon? Why do you ask? Didn't you see me die earlier?!? If I come back, stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Witchery

There are many bad sequels to films made every year. Hell, I've talked about many of them already. What I have also discussed is the idea of the 'fake-quel' or the fake sequel. The most famous example, of course, is the Zombi series that is falsely spun off of Dawn of the Dead over in Italy. There is oh so much more though. Did you know that the Evil Dead films have gotten the same treatment? It is less well-known due to it only being a phenomenon in Italy, whereas the other one crossed over here as well on DVD and VHS. If you were an American tourist in the 80s and 90s you could live out your fantasy of several 'Evil Dead' films on video, only they would be crap like today. Without further ado, I bring you...

Witchery

Our movie begins with a barely-dressed woman being chased by an angry mob. Okay, movie, you have my attention. She ends up being chased into and through a very lovely New England house that looks like a cross between The Waltons' house and The Amittyville one. In desperation, she ends up diving through a window, which the film presents to us in dreamy slow-mo. The whole scene is also in that hazy filter which people either really love or utterly hate. Our story jump-cuts ahead a long period of time (the woman's pursuers looked like Puritanical men) to a couple on the same island. It is a studious-looking young brunette and...David Hasselhoff! How the hell did you end up in a film directed by the man behind Black Orgasm (no, really) and Erotic Nights of the Living Dead?!? Incidentally, the woman would end up another Joe D'Amato (really Aristide Massaccesi) film that I saw- Zombie 5: Killing Birds. Anyhow, the girl is writing a book about haunted houses, while her boyfriend just wants to get into her pants. He's nicer about it than the guy in The Killer Must Kill Again, but he is still clear about what he wants.

*

Around the same time, a rich family is going to check out their newly-inherited estate. Any guesses on which house it is? They set it up earlier by explaining that the intro was a dream/vision had by the pregnant young woman in the family played by Linda Blair. In fairness to her, this is still better than Repossessed. We get a set-up to strangeness by having a falling beam nearly hit Linda Omen IV-style. Plus, we have the pre-requisite creepy kid that is sure to be chatty with a ghost or two. Plus, we get the first of our cameo appearances by the Witch herself, who speaks bad English to the kid before disappearing. Why can't I just disappear yet? Oh and we get our first glimpse of superfluous nudity as a woman is showering before Linda's parents call. The blond is a broker who will show the family the house, which is, of course, on an island. Oh no, I hope they don't get stuck there!

*

So, the family, the property owner's son and the blond show up. Hoff and his lady pal hide, but not before engaging in more talk about her 'giving it up.' We can read your foreshadowing like a book, movie! Also, hire a better actress for a scene that involves so much reacting. A giant solar flare goes off behind the house, which is explained as 'the witch's light.' Aren't witches more discreet since they are, you know, killed on sight?!? Eventually, Knight Rider and his gal pal are discovered, just as a storm hits the island. It is explained that it is far too unsafe to go anywhere right now. Plus, their boat captain was killed and the boat drifted away. Did I forget to mention that part? Our first bit of titular action occurs when Linda has a pill-related freak-out in the bathroom. She ends up in a Forbidden Zone-style world where creepy women are eating a fetus (read:doll). Thanks, movie, I wasn't hungry.

*

The plot goes thusly: the Witch has to open the Three Doors to Hell (I would have put a couple more big ones on, personally). The first is opened when she kidnaps the old mother, sews her mouth shut (a bit later used in Argento's Pelts) and makes her reappear in the real world. She is tied up and hanging above the fireplace (in the chimney). Being vaguely near a flame causes her skin to slowly melt like wax (read:itclearlyis). All of this happens mere feet away from the group and nobody notices it. The next one comes when the owner's son and the realtor run off for some nookie. They are sucked into the magical world and attacked by the same two women. When they reappear in our world, the man is a flaming stake on the lawn (circa Dead & Buried) and the woman is impaled on a giant swordfish. Okay, that I did not see coming! The final door is opened when the still-virgin brunette- having turned down the Hoff a couple of times more- is attacked by the witch. She is, well, raped by Satan (either Rosemary's Baby or The Church- take your pick). Following this, she goes downstairs and says nothing about it. Why?

*

From hereon out it is a big mess. The dad dies (but not to open a Door) and the kid wanders around being crazy. The whole thing nearly ties together when Linda Blair gets, wait for it, possessed! I don't need a bubble for that one, do I? She explains the whole plot (at least somebody can) and chases our heroes. Most of them make it to a boat, but Hoff and his now non-virgin lady are trapped. Our hero gives his life to save her, but is it to no avail? We see the boat leave without her and see her...wake up in a hospital. How? Why? But, before I get too outraged, I have to add this. She is also pregnant! Yeah, you saw that coming, huh? The End.

*

This movie is bad, but it certainly has its moments. The mom's death and the horny pair's ones are interesting, even if completely implausible. The acting just kills the whole thing for me though. The brunette (Leslie Cumming in one of her two listed IMDB credits) is just the worst part of the movie, even when compared to the kid who is practically reading off of tiny cue cards...badly. She never emotes beyond indifference, even when being chased down the hallway by a witch! She was not this bad in the other movie (Zombie 5), which I can only attribute to her being dubbed. So, bravo to her voice actress who is infinitely superior to her. The bottom line is this: when you honestly say 'David Hasselhoff was the best actor in the movie,' things are bad. Really pain-resistant film buffs may see it just to say that they have seen Evil Dead 4. I would insult you for that, but I already saw this movie of my own accord.

*

Coming up next, a pair of movies that make you wish that you had gone to the second to the last house. Stay tuned...

Bi-Polar Cinema: Tokyo Zombie

Japan- you do not need make every one of your mangas and animes into a film. Seriously, this goes for the good majority of them. Did we need Cromartie High School: The Movie? I don't really think so. A good example of this is today's film, an adaptation of a fairly-popular manga. The problem is that they did not adapt just one story and make several of them. Instead, they tried to make a summary of the whole series into one ninety-minute movie. How well did that turn out? Find out the answer in my review of...

Tokyo Zombie

The film begins with our two heroes- both of whom have silly haircuts- who work in a factory. Only, the factory is empty, save for the two of them. What does this place make- air?!? They spend their time -seriously- practicing judo. The older one (the one in the crappy bald cap) explains that this is the ultimate fighting technique and that they need to learn it. Why? The film never addresses this, but it does address the whole 'not working' thing. Their boss shows up and reprimands them for being lazy. Excuse me, I was wrong. He actually begins to attack them with a pipe. In self-defense, the men accidentally kill him. Ha ha ha...wait, what was funny there?

*

The men casually drive up to a giant trash pile that exists just outside Tokyo that is affectionately-known as Black Mount Fuji. This is not to be confused with a bad Italian action movie. They dump him there, but all of the undead begin to come back to life. Why? Good question. We get some 'wacky' deaths like a man's head being kicked off like a soccer ball. Ha ha- it's funny because he's dead! Our heroes take a while to figure this out, so go ahead and cue up the Shaun of the Dead comparisons now. When they do figure out, they get into some wacky adventures like trying to go shopping while there are zombies about and doing a dramatic scene whilst wrestling in a mildly-gay manner. The older man reveals that he has cancer, which is hilarious, but gets bit in a fight. He jumps into the river to avoid turning and killing his friend. Are you ready for a sudden and random turn?

*

The film suddenly turns into a cartoon a la Tank Girl and shows how the world was overrun by zombies. The rich live in walled cities (Land of the Dead) and are entertained (Caligula) by zombies fighting humans for sport (Best of the Best 2, save for the zombie part). Don't worry, it turns back into live-action. It still gets bad though.

*

The film jumps ahead nearly ten years (why?) and establishes a new narrative. Our afro-ed hero is now married to the woman they saved and has a kid. He is making a living as a zombie fighter in the pits, using the judo he learned (sort of) from his friend. Okay, you really should stretch out a bit before you make jumps like that, movie! His problem is that his fights are simple and over too quickly to entertain the rich assholes. The tone gets very bleak at this point, focusing a lot on the family aspect. The guy's wife has no respect for him and his kid doesn't ever talk. That's so hilarious! Skipping ahead (which I recommend), the whole 'second movie' builds up to the man's former-friend showing up as a zombie in the arena. The man proves to be alive enough to manipulate his friend into ending his suffering. He does this by provoking him with memories of a teacher that violated him sexually- again, funny as hell. The whole film ends with the zombies over-running the city and our hero flees. They also explain that his friend was not really a zombie, but just thought he was. The End.

*

I did not mind Tokyo Zombie that much, at least not the first part. What the hell made them think that nobody would mind the random plot shift? Who green-lit that stupid idea? Also, the tonal change is so sudden that it needs one of those road warning signs. It's as bad as Hundra was, only in reverse. Plus, that movie had good action scenes...in the first ten minutes. This is Napoleon Dynamite, only with some zombies thrown in and even more obtusely-quirky. You can keep your zombies, Tokyo- I'd rather watch the Italian ones. At least those ones are funny, even if they are not supposed to be.

*

Before I piss off the entire continent of Asia any more, I will change gears to Italy. It's not like this film has the star of Baywatch: Nights in it. Oh god, it does. Stay tuned...

Update Teaser

I have a nice two-part review coming up shortly. It is the return of a series done early on in the inception of the site. I won't say any more, save for giving you this one line from one of the two films.

Nun: What is this?!?
Criminal #1: This is a gun and it shoots bullets.

Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging on the edge of your seat for too long. Sunday and Monday are the planned days for these updates. Unless, of course, I change my mind. Stay tuned...

East Meets West: China Strike Force

It's not that rare to get a crappy kung-fu movie made in China during the last 40 years. It is also not that rare to get one made with American actors trying to be kung-fu stars...and usually failing- I'm looking at you, Gary Daniels. What is rare is getting a kung-fu movie made in China with American actors and Chinese ones. Oh, by the way, the whole movie is also done in English as its native language. So if you ever wanted to see the Indian from Brotherhood of the Wolf battle real kung-fu masters, this is your film. It is...

China Strike Force

I have to pause for a moment to comment on how silly this title is. Grammatically, it just makes no sense. Is the whole country a 'strike force?' Silly, silly. Moving on...

*

The plot revolves around two young cops who get caught up in a big drug bust and all of the related violence. Wouldn't it be a change of pace to see some young cops caught up in something that is actually on their level? Sure, it would be boring, but it would be something different. Their first big test is an assassination attempt in a big public forum. Why? It has something to do with two criminal drug lords trying to tie up any loose ends before their work gets interrupted. But, you don't really care about that! What you care about is this: action scene! They chase the attacker (dressed as a waiter) into a busy Hong Kong street and fight around the traffic. There is also a motorcycle that gets involved for a couple of stunts. The guy manages to evade capture via death, proving that our heroes are vaguely-ineffectual.

*

A good lead comes in the form of a good-looking young woman with ties to the drug dealers. A lot of chasing ensues before she is captured. In the interim, we get some scenes involving our two drug dealers: Mark 'Iron Chef America' Dacascos and Coolio. Why does this guy keep showing up in my movies?!? Incidentally, Coolio's character is in fact named Coolio. That's lazy writing for you! Oh well, at least they are doing business meetings in a hot tub...oh god, they are. This is turning into the gayest pair of drug dealers ever! Back to the female part of the movie, our heroes learn the woman's secret: she is actually part of the Japanese DEA! Dun dun dun! Much like Cradle 2 The Grave, she came overseas to get the guy. This brings up the biggest problem the movie has: the English language. Most of the stars are not exactly from here and not that exactly fluent in the language. This gives us the classic line of the woman explaining that she wants revenge on 'the drug dealer Coorio.'

*

In case it was not clear, the movie is just a pretense to string together action scenes. The actors were all hired for their ability to fight, well, except for Coolio. He was hired for his ability to...wait, why did they hire him? Oh right, he contributes in his own way to the musical score. What do we get? A rap song that consists of the lyrics 'Oow-eeh, I like girls, I like girls.' Now picture that for five minutes and you have 'the song.' The finale is pretty much worth the price of admission though. Our main hero (I won't spoil the whole plot for you) shows up to battle Dacascos and Coolio. During the fight, the latter tries to flee in a car that is being towed by a helicopter- of course! The other two get on a fight ensues on the vehicle. About halfway through, they crash it into a building and Dacascos is killed. The fight continues on a giant pane of glass. To review, they kill off the one villain who knows kung-fu in place of Coolio. Yeah, it's not pretty, although Stanley Tong disguises it alright.

*

This movie is entertaining, but nothing more. The fact that Stanley Tong was at the helm helped it a lot more than any other factor. The stunt performers do an admirable job and make all the action feel real. Unfortunately, the acting and everything else in the movie is just not up to par. People can make Jackie Chan films for their flimsy plots, but they are least more fluid and logical than this one. I would have liked a stronger plot that was delivered more competently. As it stands, China Strike Force is a fun movie that will keep you entertained for a while, but fail to be all that memorable.

*

While we are still in Asia, let's take a walk on the bi-polar side...you filthy bastard. Sorry, I did it again. Stay tuned...