*Delayed* Reviews: Flash Future Kung-Fu

* Due to poor planning and time-management on my part, Witchboard 3 has not been viewed for a review.  I'll make up for it in September.*

Seriously, I haven't a clue.  What the hell is Flash Future Kung-Fu?  Is it an action film?  Is it a sci-fi film?  Is it a breakfast cereal?  To be honest with you, I have no freaking clue!  Oh, I watched the film...I just don't get it.  This makes the second film to come to me courtesy of the The Smithee Awards, the other being Battlespace.  Unlike that film, I can't freaking tell what the plot is!  I knew what the plot(s) of that movie were, even if they all sucked and didn't exactly connect.  The plot involves kung-fu fighters, an evil woman and...well, I won't spoil that just yet.  In spite of my lack of knowledge about what is actually supposed to be happening, I'll try to tell you what is happening.  The movie makes about as much sense as that last sentence.  Prepare yourself for a dose of...

In a Flash Future, cars are like regular cars, but they don't have hoods.  Plus, Chinese guys fight androids in scenes that should actually feature special effects...but don't.

As far as I can tell, the plot involves our two fighters getting dragged into some bad stuff by a woman.  Beyond that- and the fact that she drugs them- I have no clue.

Apparently the other, approved method of travel is those little carts from Garth Marengi's Darkplace.  Weird.  Ready for the big surprise?  Are you?  Are you?

Yes, the villains in this movie are Japanese Post-Apocalyptic Skinheads.  I wish that I was kidding...or that this made the movie interesting for the first time.  Neither one of those things is true.

Now the party with the Japanese Post-Apocalyptic Skinheads involves women in tu-tus.  Words fail me, gentlemen!

Our heroes break into the 'party' and start fighting people.  Couldn't have seen that coming.

I'd SPOIL the Ending for you, but that phallus-shaped Nazi would kill me.  Besides, I'm really not sure.  The End.

So yeah, that happened.  The plot of this film is...hidden somewhere under a pile of confusing and dull pacing. Just look at the elements that make up this film for a second.  Kung-fu fighters.  Androids.  Nazis.  Ballerinas. Combine all of them together and you get...a confusing and somewhat dull mess of a film.  I'm sure that someone can explain the plot to me.  Of course, they'll probably be making up/inferring at least half of it.  I won't say that this movie is completely-terrible, since I managed to squeeze a review out of it.  That's more than I can say about a good number of films that I've watched.  That said, the movie is weird, random and strange.  Did I mention that it makes no sense?  100 times?  Okay then- just checking.  Honestly, I'm curious to see if any of you can decipher this film...assuming that you can muster up the interest.

Up next, I cover some more recent fare.  Naturally, I start with a movie set during WWII...with zombies...and a werewolf.  Stay tuned...
   

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Incredible Professor Zovek

Mexico gives us another great poster involving strong men and weird science.  This one features a familiar effect, however...

That's one cool Professor- he has the Time Tunnel!  It sure was nice of them to let him borrow it.  What's the deal with those tassels though?

Next up, a film I've already seen and reviewed has an awesome poster.  Now I definitely know that you're lying!  Stay tuned...
El hijo de "El increíble profesor Zovek", también escapista.(plática mágica)(TT: Son of "the incredible professor Zovek", also escapist.)(TA: magic talk)(Entrevista): An article from: Proceso

Forgotten Three-quels: Highlander 3

Well, it's not Highlander 2.  For those not aware, here is the basic story.  A surprise hit was made in 1986 called Highlander, a film starring Christopher Lambert as the immortal Connor McLeod who has to battle The Kurrgan to gain 'the prize.'  It was neat, clever and wrapped up nicely.  So, naturally, they made a sequel...which was set in a post-apocalyptic future...and said that the immortals were aliens from the planet Zeist.  It sucked.  It really sucked.  A while later, an attempt was made to fix everything.  The result- today's film.  They basically ignored that film and made a sequel to Highlander alone.  Yes, Highlander 3 ignores Highlander 2!  Basically, we get a film cheat and Connor gets 'the prize' taken away from him.  Can he defeat the new villain (who is actually from 400 years in his past)?  Find out in...

We get some opening narration from Connor himself, since the THIRD film is the best time to jump into a film series.  By the way, Lambert has a very severe Myopia, thus explaining that stare.

Sometime between the beginning of Highlander and the rest of it, McLeod went to Japan and trained with a wizard/swordsman (Mako).  Unfortunately, Kane kills the wizard...but gets trapped in the cave for 400 years.

He gets out, taking the prize away from Connor.  This seems in contrast to some statements made in the film, but they just want you to ignore it.  Kind of like how I'm supposed to ignore how fake that wig is!

Nearly an hour in, the two finally fight for real.  This is marred by a couple of things.  First- the fight is only decent.  Second- it ends abruptly.  Third- they fight while swinging on ropes...and Peebles stunt double is given a close-up!

McLeod is also very bad at hiding his immortality, as shown by these pictures he has hanging on his walls.  That's...stupid.

Kane discovers McLeod's adopted son when he happens to break in when the kid calls.  This allows him to trick the kid into coming into his clutches.  More importantly, however, there is the fact that McLeod has an autographed head-shot of his 'son' on his desk!

Speaking of important, did you know that you could stand on illusions.  They're not just for your eyes anymore!

In The End, McLeod wins the day and gets his AHHH! QUICKENING, regaining the prize and living happily ever after...until Highlander: The Series...and Highlander: Endgame.

Well...it's not Highlander 2.  The plot of this movie is a bit goofy and has its fair share of holes.  It doesn't do anything on par with the Planet Zeist, a solar shield or Ramirez being resurrected just because McLeod thinks about him while getting a Quickening.  By the way, that is not a euphemism!  That said, I have many questions and/or complaints.  How does he lose 'the prize' because the guy gets freed from his cave?  Who exactly decides when 'The Game' is over?  Why is it all a trick played on Michael Douglas?  Wait- wrong Game.  Seriously though, the movie tries desperately to be as interesting as the first film.  To that end, they pretty much rip it off.  Dead mentor?  Check.  Evil villain who kills him?  Check.  Villain has a 'K-name?'  Check.  By the way, every major Highlander film has a villain with a 'K-name.'  Odd, right?!?  Is the film good?  No, not really.  It has some neat moments in it, but there is not enough action, good plot or overall atmosphere.  Oh yeah, they also use an Airport in Montreal to double for Newark International.  See for yourself...

Next up, with Witchboard 2 M.I.A., that leaves the other sequel to review.  Chuck someone out a window, Whitesnake!  Stay tuned...
  

Mondo Trivia: Highlander III

* Apparently there are two different cuts of the film- the American one and the European one.  The latter cuts nearly all shots of magic from the film.

Magic has no place in a film about immortals trying to claim 'the prize!'

* In addition, there are a few different releases between VHS and DVD.  Besides the regular version, there is a Director's Cut and a 2005 re-release of the Director's Cut.  However, there is a catch...

-This version is actually the European version of the film!  Director's Cut, my ass!

Forgotten Three-quels: The Exorcist 3

One last hurrah for William Peter Blatty, Director!  It's a little-known fact that Blatty Directed movies- two of them to be exact.  

As I mentioned in my review of The Ninth Configuration, it all goes back to The Exorcist 2, which annoyed a lot of people with its interpretation.  

While I can't say that it's terrible, a lot of people have said it for me!  Ten years after that film came and went, he decided to Direct a sequel to Exorcist 2, figuring that he can make it more accurate to his own vision.  

Needless to say, the studio was nervous about a one-time Director handling a major franchise, even if his only film won a Golden Globe and he did write the book!

  

After a lot of hassle, the film got made.  Were the results good?  Let's find out.  

Prepare for the random cameos of...

A series of murders is taking place in the city.  A police detective (George C. Scott) is on the case.  It's also been fifteen years since the death of his friend during an exorcism.  Of course, this does not become important until about an hour in.

Do the crimes relate to a crazy person that's been in a Sanitarium for 15 years?  Maybe.  

Does he sound like Chucky?  Yes.

Let's ignore the plot for a five-minute dream sequence.

Does it matter at all to the plot?  Nope.  It does, however, feature a cameo by Fabio.  No, really.  

In addition to that, there's this familiar face...

Samuel L. Jackson- motherf#(!^er!  That's just so amazingly random.  

Never mind that he shares a scene with some midgets carrying a clock.

When we finally return to the plot, Detective Scott realizes that the crazy man is possessed by the demon exorcised in the first film.  

I hope you like this shot, by the way, as it appears more than a Dutch Angle in the Batman show!

The spirit manages to put itself in many bodies.  Why it chooses an old lady to try and kill Scott's family (which is quite young, by the way) is anyone's guess!  

Watch your neck, honey.

 The film ends with a major confrontation in the Sanitarium.  

It's full of symbolism, blood and sacrilege.  

Good to know that the series is consistent.  The End.

Could you just focus a bit, guys?  The plot of this film is interesting, even if it has very little to do with the originals.  It feels like they wrote a murder mystery film, and an exorcism film separately & mixed them together.  It makes me wonder what the novel is like, considering that Blatty adapted it into the Screenplay himself (UPDATE- it's mostly the first thing).  As we know, of course, Blatty was forced to add so much of the latter to appease the Studio, who demanded, naturally, an Exorcism in an Exorcist Film.

So much of this film is just weird and random.  You learn many things about Scott and Father Dyer...none of which are really important.  On top of that, Dyer's death is not shown, merely represented by Scott's weird dream and the Priest showing up in it.  Eventually, when the plot gets more focused, the movie is better for it.  

They try to connect everything together, but it's just a little too late.  

Is The Gemini Killer a neat villain?  Yes.  

Does he have a smaller part than the guy running the Sanitarium?  Yes, actually.  

My other problem is the same one I had with The Ninth Configuration- Blatty is just not a great Director.  Many scenes are shot from a single camera angle and hold longer than they should.  You can move the camera every once in a while, Mr. Blatty!  

I would like to be able to recommend this film more, but I really recommend that you just watch the latter half.  Take us away, Fabio Angel...

Next up, the Highlander series tries to overcome the debacle of Zeist.  With that in mind, they added...magic?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Tripper

The Tripper is all about killing hippies in violent ways.  One of them stands out to me...

This old man just lives out in the Woods on his own.  He's only even involved because the concert comes to him!

That doesn't stop 'Reagan' from following him to his cave (even after he talks back to our heroes).

"I'll cut your head off like I cut taxes," Faux Reagan says, "Before I decide to raise it 11 more times!"

Now he's dead.  What reason is there for this to happen?  Hello?  Anyone?

As a nice little stinger, 'Not Reagan' takes the guy's dog!  Ouch!

Next up, man's best friend is not safe from pointless, movie death.  Tastes like chicken!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Three-quels: Lake Placid 3

Syfy Channel- give it up!  After Lake Placid was a surprise hit in 1998, a sequel was made...Direct-to-DVD...nearly ten years later.  Evidently, the film was profitable enough for yet another sequel.  The catch- no returning actors, plus Maine is being 'doubled' by Romania.  Instead of an actor who's career is defined by a TV show he made in the '70s, we get the star of a Syfy Channel series (Eureka).  I guess if we give them enough time and we'll see Lake Placid 4 starring Michael Shanks (from Stargate SG:1), Lake Placid 5 starring Pete Lattimer (from Warehouse 13) and Lake Placid 6 starring the team from Ghost Hunters!  Colin Ferguson is a good actor from what I've seen, but boy is he wasted here.  If you like your actors in a state of permanent confusion/bemusement, you're in luck!  Are you properly-prepared to be disappointed?  Good.  Let's put away our meat vests before our stop in...

After the opening credits, a couple goes out to the lake to have sex, but get eaten by baby alligators.

Said alligators grow much bigger in the THREE YEAR time-jump made in the film as Ferguson is now a resident of the town and works for the Fish & Game Agency.

 He suspects for a long time that crocodiles are still in the lake, a fact that upsets the new Sheriff (Michael Ironside).  Even after they find a dead, prop deer, he's still not a believer.

I should mention that the DVD version is the Unrated Version.  Can you tell yet?

In one of the film's many sub-plots, a man hires a well-worn Yancy Butler to find his girlfriend (the brunette above).  The trip doesn't go well since, well, they're on the titular lake.

The crocodiles find their way home (since Ferguson lives in the sister's house from Lake Placid 2) and eat some people.  Gotta love that CG.

Life doesn't go well for the hunters.  You won't believe who gets shot and why...because it's really stupid.

The battle moves into the studio back-drop town and the crocodiles chase them into a store.  Way to re-use those sets, guys!

The film's climax involves a gas station, a crocodile and some laughable, CG gore.  Boom goes the crocodile.  The End.

We're back- a crocodile tale!  The plot of this movie is a bit of a stretch, at least the way it's done.  Here's the thing- there is too much plot and too little focus.  We have the Ferguson sub-plot, the kid's sub-plot, the hikers' sub-plot and the hunters' sub-plot (which is itself mixed with the one guy's sub-plot).  The bottom line: there is too much going on here to ever get a vested interest.  Characters die in bursts or at random, while others survive ridiculous amounts of damage.  Note how durable the Russian nanny and Yancy Butler are!  Speaking of Yancy, hard-living is not good for you.  Kids, if you plan to start drinking, just compare a picture of her from the Witchblade show and one from here!  The Special Effects here are usually worse than in Lake Placid 1 and 2, which is astounding.  Mind you, the original film was made by a major studio, but the latter was not.  Even the good actors here (Ferguson and Ironside) do not bring this movie up.  There is a certain humorous appeal to be had here and the Unrated cut does have nudity, but it still sucks overall.  Did I just blow your mind?

Next up, William Peter Blatty delivers his second (and final- so far) film with a sequel to his own work.  My question- why is Fabio in it?  Stay tuned...
  

Lost in Translation: Big Trouble in Little China (Part 2)

Are you ready for the coup de gras?  The piece de resistance?  The Big Mac?  The Mac Daddy?  Here it is, the French poster...

Who the hell is that guy in the shirt and where the hell is Kurt Russell?  Why they didn't use a picture of him from the movie is beyond me!

Up next, an international film from France gets a wacky poster from Japan.  Seems fair to me!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Three-quels: Leatherface- Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3

Dare to see the film that the studio system slashed up more than, well, everyone in this movie!  When this film was released back in 1990, there were some rough times with studio censorship.  Just a few years earlier, the debate was out about the introduction of the PG-13 rating, due to films like Gremlins and Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom.  Never mind the fact that you're releasing a TCM sequel into theaters in an age where mothers are trying to ban CDs that use bad words!  Of course, this lesson was not learned by Adam Green just last year with Hatchet 2, so there's that.  This film is kind of an odd mess is it alleges to be a sequel to the previous two films.  The connection between the first two was tenuous enough (basically, the narration just said so), so this is really stretching it.  The key here, however, is that the focus of the film is Leatherface, as opposed to Bill Moseley constantly scratching his head with a coat hanger.  Does it work?  Unfortunately, the poor guy (whose actor was actually in Hatchet 2) is overshadowed by a man who would become a star later- Viggo Mortensen.  That's right, before he was fighting Orcs, riding horses and fighting Vincent Cassel in the shower, he started out here.  The film is more famous for his presence here, but is it good?  To find out, read on.  Get out your skin varnish for our trip to visit...

The opening narration (why not, I guess?) explains that many of the people involved in the crimes in Texas (see TCM 2) were killed or caught, but some of them escaped.  How?  There is no answer, but it fulfills the Opening Narration requirement for the film, so let's move on.  After that, some random people are killed by the family.  I should probably care more, but I don't.  The only thing that really matters our the main characters, a couple driving through the area.  Good advice- if you see Christopher Lambert out there, do not get involved!  They meet up with a hitchhiker, since that's apparently also a requirement for the series.  If a scene of a woman being dry-humped by a chainsaw is a requirement too, I'm leaving!

Our heroes go to a Gas Station with the drifter (Mortensen) and a fight breaks out.  Why?  Because the owner spies on our heroine in the bathroom (not shown in much detail).  The guy busts out a gun and appears to kill Mortensen as the pair drive away.  We also meet our other hero- the black guy from Dawn of the Dead.  Yes, I know that he has a name, but this seems simpler to me.  The group make it out into the woods where their cars are both attacked by the killer family.  The guy and girl get captured, while Dawn guy escapes.  We meet the whole family, which includes an ancient Grandfather, a mother with a hole in her throat, three brothers (Mortensen, the Gas Station Owner and Leatherface) and a little girl.  Wait- if Mortensen is part of the family, what was the point of that fake fight and death?  Nothing- oh, okay!  Time to nail her hands to the table for dinner!

Like most films of this type, the Third Act does not go well for most of them.  Let's break it down, shall we?  The boyfriend dies in a pretty anti-climactic way, while Mr. Dawn shoots up the house, killing mom and grandpa.  No, he was so old and full of death!  The other brother who's not Leatherface or Mortensent meets a grisly fate as well.  Unfortunately, Mortensen is next to go as he's lit on fire by Dawn guy.  No throne for you!  Dawn and our heroine escape into the woods, but Leatherface is close behind.  After a rough fight, Leatherface seems to win the day, while our heroine escapes.  She makes it to her truck to leave when Dawn appears- alive.  Wow, that was surprising...and illogical.  Maybe we'll get a happy...the other brother isn't dead after all, but becomes dead a moment later.  Leatherface, meanwhile, lives to saw another day.  The End.

Family- what a downer!  The plot of this movie is about as simple as it could get, save for a few moments designed to fool the audience.  Ultimately, the whole thing is too simple and direct.  I guess I can't blame them for focusing on the family, but it costs them a bit for actual plotting.  So much of the film is people running around in the dark woods to pad the run-time out.  The rest of the film is so focused on showing the Bean family acting weird and violent that everything else suffers.  That said, my problems with it are probably reasons why it's so popular with other people.  Here's the thing- I don't want to empathize/be amused with/by a killer.  That's my key problem with the later Nightmare on Elm Street films as well.  No matter how popular they may become, they are still killers!  The heroes should be the heroes, as opposed to just fodder for the film's body count between character moments with the villains.  This mindset seems to come around every once in a while, the most recent example being the Saw films.  My random tirade aside, this is a sub-par movie that benefits from a controversial reputation.  Is there a lot of blood and guts?  Yes.  Is there a lot of interesting moments and a plot?  No.

Next up, alligators attack a small town (in Romania) one more time.  Betty White is not here...because she has an agent.  Stay tuned...
  

Project Terrible- Round 3!

After a fun week of terrible, terrible films, it's time to plan for Round 3 in September!

I'm telling you this for a simple reason: We Want You!

Project Terrible is simple:
* X Number of reviewers challenge the others to watch certain movies.
* The reviews take place during a set number of time.
* ALL reviews are cross-linked by me (and hopefully all those involved)

What does that mean?
* You can make other people watch films that you really, really don't want to.
* You get to watch them suffer while you laugh (and also suffer on your side)
* You get FREE website promotion in the process, possibly bringing in countless new readers.

What's not to love?  Torture, laughs and free website traffic.  I know that Maynard wants to do another round.  Who wants to join us?

There are so many Terrible films out there and someone has to watch them, so will it be you (or me)?  E-mail me at timte01(AT)hotmail.com if you want to take part.

P.S. You're free to come back if you want too, Carl.  :-)

UPDATE: It sounds like this Round is all full-up.  We've got five people (counting myself) and five movies is a nice number to stick with.

VHS For The Win: The Boy God

If you have felt that some of my video segments have only highlighted violent and gory films, allow me to switch things up.  This one is just about as weird though...

The tale of a little boy in armor who teams up with the Barbarian Queen, is chased by a monkey and haunted by the ghost of Charles Darwin?  I'm in!

Next up, an old actor's likability by the family audience is torn to a sunder.  How dare you, Mickey?!?  Stay tuned...