80s Trash: The Dead Pit

Zombies.  Zombies.  I feel like I've seen this one before.  Is it a Fulci film?  No.  Does it star Jeffrey Combs?  No.  Is it at least Italian?  No.  Okay, so why do I care?  Oh right- it's obscure.  Yes, this movie is not that famous, which instantly attracts me to the film.  It's an addiction- I'm telling you!  The movie tells the tale of a young woman who ends up at an Asylum, only to discover that it hides the titular dead pit.  Why does it have one?  It's a lot to get into, so I'll save it for the review.  What is there to look forward to?  Lots of crazy people, very few zombies and glowing eyes.  I hope that's enough for you.  Get out your magic ring/plot device for my review of...

The film begins in the '60s with a doctor doing some bad experiments.  He takes a man from his room and through a secret door.  Who builds one of those in a mental asylum?!?  The lead doctor follows him and discovers that he has been messing with people's brains!  Oh yeah, he also has a pit full of dead bodies of those who he already worked on.  Besides being the title, this won't come into play for about an hour.  He confronts the evil doctor and shoots him right in the head.  I guess I won't see you ever again.  We jump to 20 years later and see a woman being taken to the Asylum.  Apparently, she has lost her memory.  Actually, she claims that it was stolen from her, as opposed to having amnesia.  Yes, because they would think that you're crazy if you had amnesia.  She meets up with all of the patients, including a British guy who appears to be fairly sane, an old lady that thinks she's a nun and others.  Most of these people just stand in the background and make random gestures/wander around.  Ah, the joy of being an extra.  Our heroine has issues too, as she begins to see visions of a dead doctor wandering around.  By the way, random earthquake.  The point of this: to set open the secret door.  Okay then.

As time goes by, our heroine starts to bond with the British guy.  Other than sort of being nice, he really has no character to speak of.  The bigger news is that people start dying.  First it's the kindly black nurse who actually was beginning to have a personality.  Time to die, bitch!  A bit later, one of the orderlies goes over to the abandoned wing of the hospital...for some reason.  He gets chased around a bit by the evil, undead doctor until he gets his throat cut (see below).  While all of that intrigue is going on, our heroine is getting therapy sessions from the lead doctor.  She apparently has a lot of repressed memories involving her mother and her father.  Of course, the movie is to cheap to display these memories, so we just get her talking about them.  God forbid you be creative, guys!  Therapy turns a bit dark when the young woman makes a reference to something that reminds the doctor of his arch-rival from twenty years ago.  British guy gets upset when nobody can explain the absence of the black nurse and puts up a fuss.  You're upset, but you might want to focus on what is to come still...

Ever wonder where the zombies are in this zombie film?  Well, after a lot of teases, they finally show up.  Why?  It has something to do with our heroine having unexplained psychic powers that allowed the zombie doctor to show up.  I can't really explain this, so let's just move on.  The zombies wreak havoc, leading to just our heroine, the British guy and the doctor on the run.  They run into the crazy nun lady who throws holy water on one of the zombies, causing it to melt.  Yes, they melt.  I could ask why the lady who just THINKS that she is nun can do this, but whatever.  The group splits up to enact their extremely-silly plan.  Basically, they're going to have the nun lady consecrate the water reservoir and then blow up the supports, causing it to spill into the building and kill the zombies.  Unfortunately, the doctor is killed and tortured by the evil, zombie doctor before this can happen.  They manage to take out the zombies, but one of them is left: the zombie doctor.  He confronts our heroine, stopping to explain that he is her father and the source of her nightmares.  Before you can decipher the obvious, the man is killed.  In the end, the young woman puts on the doctor's ring and gets evil, glowing eyes just like him.  The End.

This movie is not good.  I know that cult classics are supposed to be easy to love, but this one was not.  The plot is kind of stupid, with a weird idea behind it.  They don't give any real context to the whole idea.  The doctor tortured his daughter and stole her memories?  How?  It's not like he has Adamantium bullets or anything!  The big thing is this: they aren't that many zombies.  The film was obviously made on a low-budget and it's hard to get past that.  The actual zombies are kind of cool-looking, but nothing special.  With so many damn zombie films- especially in this time-period- you have to really try something new to stand out.  Remember Tar-Man?  How about the torso zombies from Return of the Living Dead, Part II?  Many of you may hate that movie- I don't get it, but whatever- but you can't deny how unique that effect is.  This movie is a lot of build-up to something we've all seen before.  In 1981, there weren't as many zombie films, but this is still kind of generic.  Plus, why did you have to mix the 'evil doctor killing people' plot with the 'zombies attack' plot?  Either one is perfectly-sufficient on it's own!  The bottom line: you can do far worse than this movie, but also far better. 

Next up, I finally tap into a market that I've ignored- Skunk Ape Horror.  Naturally, I pick one of the worst one possible.  Stay tuned...

Wrap It Up: Tale of the Mummy

Russell Mulcahy is a self-centered jerk.  Yes, the man directed a great film called Highlander, The Shadow and as a film that fate seems determined to not let me see- Razorback.  Of course, this guy also made Silent Trigger, Resident Evil: Extinction and Highlander II.  How can you keep working after Highlander II?  Unlike those Wes Craven Presents films, the guy's name is just not famous enough.  Besides, fans who know his name don't really associate him with horror.  Sure, there are decapitations in Highlander, but even that film was made over twenty years ago!  I'll try to get past this bit of silliness, but I must mention one thing.  The movie features Jason Scott Lee as the lead, a man who would also be in the sequels to Dracula 2000 (a Wes Craven Presents film).  There is someone else here who shows, but why spoil the fun?  No, you'll just have to wait and see.  Get used to disappointment, British accents and very-dated effects from this 1999 film.  If you're still curious about this little-seen film, follow me for the ride.  Get out your sand skin for my review of...

The film begins with some silly narration from Christopher Lee.  I'm getting Howling II flashbacks!  Instead of being in space, Mr. Lee is in Egypt looking to dig up the remains of some mummy who is feared.  Wow, how original.  His group- which includes stock actor John Polito- goes down, despite the warnings of the natives.  If nobody listens to you guys ever, why do you still bother?  They go down and crack open the seal, only to be struck by 'the mummy's curse.'  Actually, it appears to be a several hundred year-old fart from the Mummy that causes them all to die.  Lee drags himself to safety, only to find that his torso has become sand and split in half.  Did anyone really think that Lee would survive past the first ten minutes, especially in a flashback?  In the present day, a young woman is at the same site with a bigger, more scientific crew.  The group makes small talk when...Gerard Butler walks in.  Yeah, he's in this movie!  He's apparently the lead girl's fiancee, which gives you an idea how long he will last.  The group are lowered down in Hazmat suits and see inside.  The group gets distracted, allowing Butler to climb in and grab a trinket.  His way back is gone, however, and he falls to his death.  Thanks for coming, Gerard.  See you in a more famous horror film next year!

The film jumps over to London where the rest of the action takes place.  A murder or two takes place, both of which involve body parts being removed after death.  It must be those evil EMTs from Cardiac Arrest again!  This is where we get our first taste of this movie's special effects- save for Lee's death- and boy are they...mediocre.  Want to know what really seals the deal?  The mummy's early form consists of him flying- yes, flying- around as CG cloth.  He doesn't have a body- just the wrappings!  Lame!  The detective working the murder case is Jason Scott Lee, the man who would be in Dracula II and III- as mentioned above.  His job here is to talk in cliched dialog, fight people and be a romantic lead.  Guess which of the three is his strong suit?  The mummy continues his rampage in the city as a Red Herring rears it's head in the form of her former comrade from the dig.  Of course, we know who's killing the people, so this plot thread is *entirely pointless.*  In a bit of exposition, the woman explains that a bunch of the people went crazy in the aftermath of the mummy being unearthed.  The reason you didn't show this until now is...what exactly?

The mummy continues his rampage but eventually turns his focus towards our heroine.  In the other plot, the 'crazy' guy is trying to stop the mummy, but fails.  For that story, see tomorrow's Poor Bastards of Cinema.  To help himself, he seeks out his old friend and psychic...Shelly Long?  Yeah, she's in this movie too...for some reason.  Eventually, the 'crazy' guy gets caught in our heroine's apartment.  He retells the history of the mummy, another thing that may have been interesting to show earlier.  Basically, he was a Greek heretic who fled to Egypt, only to be killed and mummified.  Unfortunately for him, his followers were all crazy and ate his organs, as opposed to mummifying them.  His quest has been to get those back...from their reincarnated selves in the present.  Yeah, that's not completely-silly or anything.  He chases down our heroine- see last week's Poor Bastards of Cinema- and catches her, but doesn't kill her.  That seems stupid, but the reason will prove to be even stupider.  The 'crazy' guy eventually dies, but has his body used as a vessel to find our heroine.  The group splits up, with the scientist being killed by a possessed Shelly Long.  How often do I get to type that?  It all builds to a showdown between a fleshy mummy and Lee.  He shoots our heroine to stop her from being sacrificed, only to find out that he was the real subject.  He dies and gets his body stolen by the mummy, dooming all of humanity.  The End.

This movie, well, it sucks.  The plot is stupid, aided in no part by the bad effects.  The idea of not having the mummy be in full form until the end is just a giant tease.  It would be worth it if either they're CG effects or their live-action mummy effects were spectacular.  While the live-action stuff is a lot better, it's not worth it.  The acting ranges from dull (Jason Scott Lee) to over-the-top (Sean Pertwee as the crazy guy).  That's never a good spectrum, is it?  The whole film just feels like a second-rate horror film.  There are some good ideas here and it is certainly better than some other, David DeCoteau-directed films of the genre.  Mind you, I still refuse to have shit like that be my litmus test.  This movie is just not good.  The whole package feels cheap, but also full of itself.  With it's strange plot twists, silly effects and ass-backwards storytelling, it just didn't work for me.  Maybe this movie has some fans out there...but I have to wonder how many people have even heard of it.  I bet Dawn of the Mummy has more viewers than this one!

Up next, a minor cult classic from the '80s gets some attention.  I hope you like zombies, crazy people and glowing eyes.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Aliens and Steven Spielberg go together like white on rice.  Naturally, his second-most-famous alien film gets a freaky, Polish poster.  Here we go...

That's...just wow.  Did you guys get Close Encounters mixed up with Howard the Duck and Fritz the Cat?  I mean- yikes.  Just yikes.

Up next, a classic thriller about Nazis and dentistry gets the LiT treatment.  Yeah- they get it way wrong.  Stay tuned...

Video Bava: Dinner with a Vampire

I'm almost done.  I'm almost done.  It helps when I say that a couple of times.  For those of you who may be new, here's the score.  Lamberto Bava made a series of horror films exclusively for a show called Brivido Giallo in 1987.  Despite him being the man behind Demons and Demons II- not to mention the underrated A Blade in the Dark- Bava did nothing good here.  

First there was The Ogre, a dull horror film that was falsely made into a sequel to Demons.  Next there was today's film- Dinner With A Vampire.  I'll get into that one further down.  Third for the show was Until Death (aka Changeling 2), a horror-styled version of The Postman Always Rings Twice.  Unfortunately, the acting, writing and overall production issues made it suffer.  Finally, there was Graveyard Disturbance, a movie with a great premise, some actual monsters...but terrible, terrible pacing, as well as a disappointing finale.  

After all of those failures- some worse than others, mind you- my hopes were not high for Dinner.  The film does have one thing going for it: George Hilton.  While not a major name to most people, Hilton has starred in such films as All the Colors of the Dark, Blade of the Ripper, The Case of the Scorpion's Tail and Atlantis Interceptors.  While those are not all great- or good- movies, the guy was also a treat in them.  

Can he make this one finally work for me?  Get out your non-descript film parodies for my review of...

The film begins with some cheesiness involving some people breaking into a castle and opening up a crypt.  This has a very old-school feel to it, complete with fake, film grain.  This is good...so they have to screw it up.  After all of this, we cut to a casting session for a new film.  You're making me remember Halloween: Resurrection, so I think that qualifies as 'screwing it up.'  The group consists of a wannabe dancer, a tough guy, a sarcastic guy and a Final Girl.  Yeah, that's pretty much her only trait.  

They are taken to a castle where they meet a butler who's a dead-ringer for Young Frankenstein's Igor (it's pronounced Eye-gor!).  Is this intentional?  There's really no jokes made with the character, but it also can't be a coincidence...can it?  Stop confusing me this early, movie!  The group is sat down in a wide-open room and allowed to watch a movie that appears to be by the same person we saw in the opening.  This film is in black-and-white, so I'm a little unclear on the timeline here.  Plus, was this film released?  Yet another thing that could easily be cleared up and make the film less confusing.  

On the plus side, the film-within-a-film (yes, this is a Lamberto Bava film) features the vampire pulling out a man's heart via telekinesis.  Time to start working on the THIRD Top 12 Strangest Vampire Powers list now...

Unfortunately, the film reel has a roll-out before the characters can explain how to kill the vampire.  Gee, this isn't a pretty obvious Plot-Point, huh?  They meet their host (Hilton) who is a film director casting them in his next movie.  

Of course, the title kind of gives away the twist.  

Yes, he's a vampire.  He's an odd vampire though.  His goal: to be killed.  Much like Talladega Nights' Jean Girard, he wants to be defeated, but he won't just lay down.  It seems like an odd stance to take when you're suicidal, but whatever.  Our heroes do the only natural thing: run like hell.  Unfortunately, this plan has its flaws, since the guy owns the castle and has lived there for years, thus knowing all of the shortcuts.  It's actually kind of funny when they run into a room, only to find him sitting there and reading the newspaper.  

Side note: why does he wear glasses?  I get that it's part of the joke, but I assume that there's no reason for the guy to need them, right?  I suppose that I'm the only one who would question this, so I'll move on.  

The fleeing proves even less effective when the vampire shows off his 'heart removal power' in person, killing one of the lesser characters.  

Oh no, not that guy whose name I have completely forgotten!!!

Our heroes find out that this vampire is really hard to kill!  They try all of the usual stuff- garlic, crosses, etc.- but it does no good.  One of them even runs a stake through the man's heart, leading him to bleed green blood and...not die.  That's what you get for being an Atheist!  Deep Hammer Film cut!   

Actually, that's the crux of this movie: Vampires are real, but vampire rules don't apply.  I don't really buy into it, but it's a bit too late to question it.  To add to the drama, the not-Igor is sent down to the basement to unleash the rest of the Vampires.  These are apparently the other people he's brought there in the past to do the same job.  Now there's another question: how does he not get caught?  

Before I can dwell on this, our heroes finally figure out how to kill the vampire.  Do you want to guess how?  Go on- guess!  As it turns out, you have to destroy the Film that was shot as he was revived in the beginning of the film.  I'll start work on another Top 12 Weirdest Vampire Rules List too now, I suppose!  

In the end, they manage to do so, causing the guy to age via bad make-up before finally exploding into fire (why?) and melting (why?!?).  As they leave, they are offered a ride by a man who is also played by George Hilton- so they run instead.  The End.

This movie kind of sucks, although not as much as the others.  The plot has a certain charm to it, aided by its simplicity.  Of course, they muck it up a bit with the jumping from the movie-within-a-movie to the actual film and back again.  Please just pick one, guys.  That goes for all of you out there, not just Bava.  Of course, the same day that I write this, one of my Christmas Week films does just that.  That's a discussion for another day.  Does the rewrite of vampire lore work for this movie?  Yes and no.  Yes, it is a unique twist, as they set up the obvious events and then flip the script.  In addition, the movie has a somewhat lighter tone, so I can accept this.  Mind you, the film also has two scenes of people getting their hearts pulled out and a vampire melting into bloody goo, so it's a trade-off.  

On the other side, the rewrite of the vampire rules is a bit lazy.  We don't want to play by the rules, so we'll just make shit up.  It's too hard to be original within the confines of a lore, so screw it!  The tone and pacing of this movie are a bit uneven, which makes me hesitant to recommend it.  It's not really an all-out comedy or a horror film.  It's one of those movies that wants to have it's cake and eat it too.  It's a shame that it's not better and it just proves the inherent flaw in the Lamberto Bava Made-For-TV Quadrilogy.  

Oh well, there's always Demons 5: Black Sunday...assuming that I can find it.  (UPDATE: Kind of forgot about this goal until 2021.  I'm on it!)

Next up, an obscure 1999 horror film that just so happens to feature a man who would be in a less-obscure 2000 horror film.  Oh yeah, a mummy fights Bruce Lee too.  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: The Vineyard

Wine ages gracefully over the years, improving the quality.  Do horror films do the same?  To find that out, let's look at a wine-themed horror film called...

It looks like the mutant from The Goonies took up science and made...Pepto Bismol.  I'm not sure how that's scary, but I am damn curious now!

Up next, we begin a multi-part look in the series at some seriously-bad-sounding action films.  First up, we discover the maximum amount one can break...out.  Stay tuned...

Straw Death : Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Scarecrow films are either hit or miss.  Actually, that's a bit of a generalization.  In actuality, there are only a few good ones- Scarecrows being a highlight- and the rest are kind of shit.  In a lot of ways, the Made-for-TV movie is the same way.  There are some good ones...and then there is shit like The Langoliers.  Yeah, that one.  So what happens when these two combustible elements combine for one event?  The result is either a film that will be utter shit or one that will be inexplicably-good.  I wonder what this one will turn out to be.  The film stars a bunch of a character actors, so that's a good sign.  If the film is terrible, I can go 'hey, I know that guy.'  Interestingly enough, the film stars Larry Drake- aka 'Durant' from Darkman and Darkman II- as a very out-of-character guy.  Unfortunately, he did not take Robert Downey Jr's advice from Tropic Thunder, so this did very little for him.  Will it to do more for me?  Get out your highly-dangerous farm equipment for my review of...

The film begins with a young girl hanging out in a field with her best friend- a retarded man.  Yes, Larry Drake is playing a mentally-handicapped person.  Words fail me, gentlemen.  The pair hang out for a bit while some townsfolk talk about how they suspect that something bad will happen.  Well, it will with that attitude!  The pair wander around for a bit before a dog breaks through a fence and attacks her, despite Drake warning her not to.  The townspeople hear the bad news: the girl is dead.  The men in town (all four of them) form a group to catch him, while the guy flees.  He runs to his mother, who convinces him to play 'the hiding game.'  The men eventually find him dressed up like a scarecrow in the field.  They pretend to leave, but shoot him instead.  It's right then that they find out the truth: the girl didn't die.  Yeah, they just killed him for nothing.  They're put on a trial, but the judge finds a lack of evidence against them.  Evidently, nobody wanted to talk.  They escape punishment, which upsets both the mother of Drake and the town's D.A.  I suppose you only get so many murder cases in this town, so you have to make them count.

Time has gone by and the spectre of murder hangs over the men involved.  On top of that, the woman holds a grudge for them killing her son.  Oh yeah, the parents of the girl haven't told her that Drake is dead.  You may want to get on that eventually, folks!  The girl begins to talk to an off-screen person who she says is Drake.  Yeah, you're either crazy or in a horror film with no budget.  I think it's the latter.  One of the men is disturbed to find a scarecrow in the middle of his field, despite him having no crops out there.  I can't imagine that it's a good thing.  When he goes to show the others, it's not there.  The leader of the group makes a big 'to-do' about them not ever meeting up in person again.  One of them gets drunk that night and wanders around his barn when he hears a noise.  He ends up falling into his farm equipment and dies.  Who started it up though?  Who turned it off before the police arrive?  Don't look at me- it's that menacing figure in the shadows!  Another one of the guys sees the scarecrow in their field and freaks out.  With the recent death, I'm not sure that you're entirely-wrong to do so.  Of course, it won't help keep you alive.

With the other two acting very suspicious, the lead guy tries to keep them in line.  It probably doesn't help when another one of them gets killed, huh?  He begins to get worried himself and turns to the most likely suspect: the mother.  He confronts her in her home, only for her to die of a heart attack.  He covers the evidence by setting the house to blow up via an open gas line and a burner.  They don't blow up that dramatically, but whatever.  This movie's actually decent so far, so I'll try not to be picky.  With the mother dead and the third man dead- he's so important that his death is not shown- there is only one suspect to him: the little girl.  You may have reached bottom when you try to kill a little girl, fella.  He confronts her at a Halloween party, but gets stopped by a cop.  By the way, the most suspicious thing this guy does is never take off his Postman uniform- ever!  Do you at least wash it?  Seriously though, it all leads up to a big chase through a corn field involving the man and the girl.  He chases her until a thresher starts chasing him.  He runs right into a scarecrow and dies...because a pitchfork was out.  In the aftermath, the thing moves, revealing that Drake's spirit was in it.  The End.

This movie...is actually pretty good.  The plot is simple and effective: people do a bad thing and live to regret it.  As a made-for-TV film, it's all about atmosphere and characters.  In that regard, it's quite good.  I was kind of hoping for more horror and/or action though.  Once I realized what I was getting, I tried to embrace it.  As it is, it's a good effort.  While I still was left wanting more, I can't complain about what I actually got.  The acting is good overall, but some people tend to shine more.  Drake is not bad in his role- I just can't see him as anything other than Durant.  Mind you, this film pre-dates the Darkman series by a good ten years, so it's not their fault.  If you understand that you're not getting a real horror film and can accept that, check this movie out.  As a film, it's far better than crap like Dark Harvest or The Messengers 2.  Of course, so is an hour of Chinese water torture while listening to the cast of Glee cover songs non-stop.  So yeah, give this one a look.

Up next, the fourth part of Lamberto Bava's made-for-TV horror films gets reviewed.  On the plus side, it has no Ogres, Grim Reapers or Zombie Dads.  Stay tuned...

International Streaming: Demons 6: The Black Cat

Luigi Cozzi is a name that I really associate with crazy cinema and you should too.  Part of his appeal that his films are so rooted in the late '70s and 1980s.  In fact, he hasn't made a horror film since then.  If he had actually made a film in the '90s or '00s, his reputation may not be the same. Granted, it might be better, but I like my narrative.  If you want your own narrative, get a website!  As I'm sure that you guessed, this is a Luigi Cozzi film.  Interestingly enough, Cozzi attempts to fill in an historical gap here, as he put the third chapter into the Three Mothers Trilogy in place of Argento.  By this point, it had been nine years since Inferno and twelve years since Suspiria.  People were really dying for some closure and Cozzi was the one to give it to them.  Mind you, Argento finally got his ass around to closing up the series with 2007's The Mother of Tears, but that was long to come still.  Will this film deliver on what everyone was asking for or just be salt in the wound?  Get out your exploding fridges for my review of...

The film begins with a woman running from an unseen killer.  Given the lack of context, this is either a fake-out or an After Dark Horrorfest picture.  Since this film came out 21 years ago, it's not the latter.  Sure enough a man is shooting a Giallo film.  This one stars Caroline Munro, but she's not the only familiar face here.  Urbano Barberini is here too.  You'll know him as the reincarnated husband from Changeling 2, the detective from Opera and the lead character from Demons.  Him and his friend- who looks like 'Ted' from Scrubs- are both married and working on a screenplay together.  Over a double-date/dinner, they explain that their script is based on the original legend that inspired Suspiria and Inferno.  To cover this, they explain that their movie script is different since it covers the Third Mother.  Of course, you realize what this means, right?  In the context of the movie, both of the stories are not reality- they're film.  This film, however, is telling a real story.  Why must you always find a way to blow my mind, Mr. Cozzi?  A minor conflict arises as both of their wives want the part.  Oh yeah, a witch appears in the mirror too.  I don't know why she's covered in bee stings, but let's just go with it.

Levana is the Third Mother and she has gained power due to her name being put in a script.  Really?  That's what we're going with?  Okay then.  The witch manages to possess Urbano's wife and causes her to see all sorts of freaky stuff.  It's here where the film both shines and falls flat on its face.  On one hand, these bits- including an exploding fridge, random shots of a graveyard and the Earth from orbit- are bizarre and great.  On the other hand, they make no freaking sense and will lose a lot of the audience.  Our heroes go to an expert in the occult and explain their plan.  She freaks out a bit and explains that the witch will gain her power back when her name is spoken.  Yeah, we already know that.  What was the point in placing this scene here, as opposed to earlier?  In addition, note how the woman says that they need to change the name of the character.  Apparently the legend is so exact that you can simply change the name of the witch.  That's just silly.  The woman goes out in the street and is attacked by scary-sounding music.  Levana speaks and casts a spell, causing the woman's chest to explode.  Gee, where did you get that effect from, Luigi?

The finale of the film gets really weird and confusing.  Of course, that kind of goes without saying, doesn't it?  Our heroine continues to see weird visions, including more of the cosmos & a long dream sequence where she stabs Urbano and he stabs her to death.  Can you say 'cop-out,' boys and girls?  A sub-plot with a movie producer (character actor Brett Halsey) leads to him appearing in a vision as a corpse.  The lead heroine learns that Levana is manipulating things behind the scenes, even leading to her husband having an affair with the starlet (Munro).  Her role consists of doing a scene where she puts on lingerie, talks to the woman and kills herself when Levana complains about her doing her job wrong.  Way to use your talent, guys.  A sub-plot involving Munro kidnapping the heroine's baby just sort of peters out as Munro has the kid over and the woman leaves.  No, really.  I can see why the witch was pissed at you.  In the finale, we see our heroine face down Levana and confront her, giving a big speech about empowerment.  Immediately after this, Levana shoots cartoon lasers and makes the woman explode!  Apparently, she can channel the powers of a witch named Tabitha and just reverses time.  Levana is killed with a stake and all is well- except for that 'it's not over ending.'  It's been over twenty years- it's over.  The End.

This movie is weird and kind of dumb.  The plot is ridiculous.  Of course, this is a Luigi Cozzi film.  The man could make a film about paint drying and it would somehow involve shots of space, exploding torsos and Caroline Munro.  The history of this film is a bit confusing and actually more fun to talk about than the film.  It was made as the final film in the Third Mother Trilogy, but released internationally as a Demons sequel.  Yes, it joins such great films as The Ogre and Black Demons!  On top of that, it was released in America as The Black Cat.  This is covered with a single exchange of dialog where it's explained that witches take the form of black cats, so the relationship to the Poe tales is logical.  Yeah, I don't buy it.  The actual film is just called De Profundis, but that was too dull for us all, I guess.  Shockingly, this confusing back-story and conflicting title drama did nothing to make this film a hit.  Actual copies are scarce, save for a DVD release recently.  Of course, the Starz/Netflix alliance allows jerks me to watch it on their X-Box 360s.  I love you, Luigi- but this film is a mess.  It's a glorious mess, but a mess.  If you like obscure, crazy cinema, watch this.  Most of you will just wonder what the hell is going on.

Next up, a week of random films begins with a cult classic that was made-for-TV, but has fans outside of that.  Of course, it's a killer scarecrow film, so set your expectations properly.  Stay tuned...
 

Japani-death : Devilman

Japan- what a country.  They make lots and lots of anime (animated films, for you neophytes) and turn many of them into live-action films.  There are some that stand out (Riki-Oh, Death Note 1&2), while many are just weird and obscure (Cutey Honey, Battlefield Baseball).  This 2004 film goes into the latter category.  For the record, I have not seen the original series, so I can't talk about how it's different or reminiscent.  Sorry, fans.  I plan to just talk about this movie as a film- nothing more.  The story involves digging, devil spirits and a bird woman.  Sure- why not?!?  Oh yeah, bodybuilder-turned-bad-shoot-fighter Bob Sapp makes a recurring cameo.  Mind you, this was the same year that he also had a cameo in Izo, so I guess he was just 'big' that year.  The film is full of CG demons and violence, so it can't be too bad- right?  Get out your non-denominational crucifixion for my review of...

The film begins with two young kids talking about how they will always be friends.  In addition, they talk about how they like monsters and wish that they could turn into them one day.  This is beyond the realms of foreshadowing, guys!  By the way, why does the one kid have gray hair?  Is he related to Steve Martin or something?  In the present day, the kids have grown up to be teenagers.  The dark-haired kid is being threatened by some bullies when another teen warns them not to.  If they don't, he says, the gray-haired kid will hurt them.  He tells the story about a bully who did the same thing and got two fingers chopped off with hedge clippers!  As it turns out, the kid who got The Burning treatment is the one telling the story, so the teens run off.  We also get to meet a young woman who is our hero's love interest and, due to a legal technicality, his sister.  Eww.  Mind you, it's because he was adopted, but the implications are still icky.  With very little character build-up out of the way, the movie jumps right into the main plot.  The gray-haired kid's dad is a scientist whose group inadvertently uncovered floating, demon eggs in the Earth's core during a drilling.  I don't know- just go with it.  They drive to the scene where they get infested by them.  What was your plan exactly?  Our hero can now turn into his normal self (to save on the budget), a prosthesis-covered form (see below) or a fully-CG creation.  Okay then.

Back at his house, the teen wakes up without much memory of what happened.  He sees feathers on his skylight, so he goes up to the roof and finds...a bird-woman.  This is supposed to be serious?  They fly off back to the science base and turn into their CG forms to fight.  Our hero loses, but gets saved by the appearance of an angel that looks like his friend.  They don't address this for quite a while, so let's move on.  This leads into our first Bob Sapp cameo as he reads the news.  As an American, watching a Japanese film with English subtitles and then seeing a guy speak English with Japanese subtitles is a bit confusing.  Why must all Bob Sapp cameos in Japanese films be confusing?  Basically, there's an outbreak of demon transformation around Japan and it's spreading to the world.  Of course, this is a Japanese film, so we see none of this.  We also get a sub-plot involving the former bully being nice and sensitive.  That amount to nothing when a dragon-looking monster eats him.  He kills the thing, but it gives a speech about how it's not evil first.  Okay.  Chaos erupts in the streets, giving us a second Sapp cameo.  Seriously, the subtitle thing is confusing.

The rest of this movie is simultaneously too long and too brief.  Right around the hour mark, the film gets really preachy with a message about intolerance and not fitting in.  News Flash: the demons are killing people.  Sure, the humans are bad too, but that doesn't make the demons that possess people and mutate them nice!  A mob chases after a female character (who has little to do with the plot) and a kid, killing the hero's 'parents'- and girlfriend- in the process (since they hid them).  Our hero continues to try and get revenge, while also stopping the rampant killings by humans and trying to track down his old friend.  By the way, the friend has been possessed by Satan himself.  In spite of that, our hero is actually the one called Devilman.  Go figure.  Eventually, the two have a face-off that is full of CG and imagery that you would later see in Constantine.  They both fight and manage to mortally-wound each other.  Meanwhile, the girl transforms into a demon with glowing, pink wings and escapes the mob with the kid.  I should also mention that Sapp makes one more cameo, which ends with him turning into a three-headed demon live on the air.  After the big fight, both demon-people die- yes, they kill Satan in a non-Filipino film- and nukes are set off.  In the wake of this, the girl and kid survive to carry on the human race.  Yeah, the world is a nuclear wasteland, but they try to spin it like a happy ending.  That totally works.  The End.

This movie...is also weird as hell.  The plot is simple enough, but eventually gets a bit muddled.  Demons are basically mutants here.  Mind you, the mutant gene doesn't come out of the Earth and turn people into mutants.  Aside from that major difference- plus the whole 'evil' thing, the analogy isn't that bad.  The special effects are good here.  While the CG doesn't beat anything you can say now, it is quite effective.  There are moments with the fully-CG characters that are obviously CG, even if they don't really look bad.  Much like Death Note, it is kind of something that you just except.  If you can accept PS3 graphics for your CG work, then you'll like this film.  It is a bit too long though and the lack of a happy ending is kind of odd.  There are moments when you can see the inherent problem into turning a whole series into one movie.  Yet again, Death Note had the right idea with two films.  Had this been a series of films- one with the demons coming, another with the human war against them and a third with the final battle- I would recommend it higher.  It's not a bad film, but you can see what could have been done to make it great.  Fans of action-packed anime-to-live-action translations will love this though, even if they have no idea what the film is based on.  Take it away, freaky CG form of Bob Sapp.

Next up, we return to Instant territory with a weird, foreign film.  Should I expect something normal from Luigi Cozzi?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Tale of the Mummy (Part 1)

This obscure 1999 gem will get it's full coverage shortly.  In the meantime, enjoy a 2-Part look at it's contribution to another part of my page.

Our lead heroine is being chased by a mummy.  Naturally, she goes down the hall to hide in a nearby apartment.  She's got company there though...

The mummy follows her, however, and gives a nice 'pimp slap' to the woman.  I guess this kills her.

 The man shoots the creature, but that does no good.  He gets the old 'Steven Seagal' kill done to him.

She runs off, but those people are still dead.

That will teach you to...open the door when people ask for help.  I thought you guys were all assholes in England or something.  Go figure.

Next up, we get Part 2 of this movie's contribution to Poor Bastards of Cinema.  This one is a bit furrier than the previous one.  Stay tuned...

French Love Bites: The Nude Vampire

We're back again with another Jean Rollin film.  For you non-film nerds, Rollin is a famous, French director of horror films from the '70s and '80s.  In fact, he seems to be the only guy from that time period who was making them!  That has obviously changed in the wake of the French New Wave Movement (see Ils, Frontier(es) and Inside).  In the history of this site, I've covered a few of his films.  First was The Grapes of Death, a silly title for an actually-decent movie.  Next came Zombie Lake, a film that is exactly the opposite.  Lastly, Living Dead Girl was a film that a lot of people defend, but bored me to tears.  On top of that, I've tried to watch Night of the Hunter- it's horrible.  So with all that out of the way, let's discuss this movie.  With a title like The Nude Vampire, how can it be anything but weird.  Well, it is.  The bigger question is this: is it good?  Get out your animal mask collection for my review of...

The film begins with...a man in a bat mask.  Sure- why not?  He is joined by other people in red masks and a woman in a blue one.  This is all within the first minute of the film and without any context, people!  The woman in the blue mask disrobes and has a blood sample taken from her.  Given the film's title, can we just guess who she is?  Without any real segue, we cut to a woman running out of the building.  She looks kind of like the woman in the blue mask, but it might not be her.  She runs past a skinny man in the street, who notices the people in animal masks pursuing her.  They eventually shoot her and casually walk away with her in their arms.  Hello, logic- where did you go?  It takes a good seven minutes (yes, I counted)before we get our first bit of dialog too.  The man follows the masked men to a fancy house, but gets shooed away by the doorman for not having an invitation.  He makes plans the next day to find out what is going on.  Here's where this movie makes a simple scenario confusing.  He puts on the rest of his suit with the aid of a half-naked woman and leaves.  In the next scene, he's wearing a tuxedo instead and takes the ticket of another guest.  Did you cut a scene, guys?  He gets escorted into the party...where things get really, really odd.

The folks inside see a picture on a slide show and subsequently commit suicide with a pistol.  After this, they put on their masks as a woman appears from behind a curtain and sucks that corpse's blood.  When our heroes' picture comes up (how do they have that exactly?), he shoots the man and runs off.  This is surprisingly easy, considering all the subterfuge.  Finally, we get a hint of the plot.  A trio of old men are experimenting on the woman from before because she's a vampire (duh) and her blood apparently holds the secret to immortality.  One of the men is the father of our hero, which just raises more questions about the earlier scene.  Him and a friend make plans to break into a different ceremony, since that's a good idea.  In a completely random moment, a black woman shows up at the guy's house and dances in the nude.  After five minutes of leering camera angles and super-tight close-ups, she lays down near the guy...but he leaves.  What was the point of that?  Oh right- boobs.  To add more confusion to the mix, a man who dresses like a mix of Jim Jones and Superman talks about how he knows the secret of what is going on.  Could you tell me please?

 

Basically, the cult guy is leading a resistance group against the three old guys.  They want to free the vampire woman from the constant experimentation.  But wait- there's more.  The bad guys move to a new chateau and continue their experiments.  Their female agent, however, learns that the half-naked twins are working with the cult and she kills them with a mace.  That's quite random.  The group shows up, consisting of old men, young men, women and a kid.  Who brought their kid to the set of The Nude Vampire?!?  The men do the only natural thing: fire automatic weapons at the group!  This has no effect whatsoever, not even leaving any impact on their bodies.  They chase the men away and free the vampire woman, alongside our hero.  In addition, the twins appear to not be dead and kill the woman.  I fail to see the point of this, but whatever.  Our hero is led through a field to a house in order to learn his destiny.  In it, he finds an old couple who lead him to a door that goes to...a beach.  The father's companions leave, but he goes in through the same door.  At the beach, we get the final plot dump of the film.  The woman is not a vampire- she is from another dimension, as are the cult members.  The dead leaves, knowing that his son is one of them.  After a short monologue by the leader, the movie just ends.

This movie...is really, really weird!  The plot is a vague mess that appears to tie together nudity and a small amount of blood.  Mind you, The Grapes of Death was made a few years later and is considered France's first 'gore film.'  Obviously it would be about thirty years before the world would get theirs in the form of An Inconvenient Truth.  Bring on the hate mail!  The whole thing is a weird mess.  I mean, there are vampires, a cult and, now, aliens.  What?  Why?  I just don't get it.  The movie is supposed to tell me what exactly?  I fail to see any rhyme or reason to this.  Ignoring that, there are many other things to boggle the mind.  The random nudity, for one.  Another thing is that they have one scene that runs on way too long in an attempt to pad out the run-time.  As the dad's two companions leave, we hold a steady shot of them walking up the field.  Halfway through, they stop talking...but they still film them walking all the way back!  Why?!?  Apparently Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy was not the only one to think of this idea back then.  Thankfully, your legacy lives on in piece of shit movies like Mr. Halloween.  God bless you, pointlessly-extended tracking shot!  In summary: weird, random and confusing.  Welcome to Jean Rollin movies.

 

Up next, we wrap up this brief look at foreign horror with a Japanese film.  It's got demons, lot of CG and Bob Sapp appearing for no good reason.  Stay tuned...

Things I Learned from Full Moon's Videozone

The Full Moon Videozone was a feature that gave us many tidbits of information.

For example, David DeCoteau's last name is apparently pronounced 'Da-kota.'  There- you learned something.  It might not be true, but it is something.  Other facts include...

* Do you remember this Full Moon film?  It's something about toys that kill...

* Here's an early look at Full Moon's sole attempt at ethnic films.  It's less crappy-looking here than it turned out to be.

* Remember Full Moon's attempt at serialized kid's films.  I sure don't.

* You also get to see a teaser for a Full Moon film that is so successful that it apparently never got into print on DVD- other than through the company's website.  Remember this?

* Lastly, the Puppet Master 5 release has a teaser for the new Puppet Master series- Puppet Wars.  Of course, they never made the films.  Oops.

Hey, Full Moon- stop being cheap and bring these back.  They're at least good for a laugh!

Bollyweird: Agyaat- The Unknown

Bollywood- what an industry!  My experience with the worldwide phenomenon has been very interesting.  Thanks to Mondo Macabro, I've gotten to see a few of their horror films.  Mind you, these films have also included long, musical numbers too.  Hell, the Indian Nightmare on Elm Street film actually ignores the Freddy character for nearly thirty minutes straight!  On top of that, I've seen both Dhoom (aka Taxi) and Dhoom 2 (aka Taxi 2).  How much weirder can you get than a Bollywood remake of a French film series?  Well, here to answer that question is today's film: Agyaat: The Unknown.  This film is a straight horror film from India.  Yes, they make those.  Any Bollywood film that spends less than twenty minutes singing immediately gets my attention.  Does it make the most of this?  Get out your off-camera effects for my review of...

The film begins in a theater...which is oddly-logical.  A man is watching a woman in a Bollywood film (why not?) and...starts to have a dream.  Really?  We're going there now?  Yes, two minutes into this film, we have a musical number in a dream sequence.  After six minutes of this (yes, I counted), we get the plot.  Basically, a man is making an action film out in the jungle of Sri Lanka.  How do you get clearance for that?  To do so, he's going to bring about twelve people.  Hey, if my friends and I can try to make a movie with five people, why not?  The group includes the eccentric Director, the cheap-skate Producer, the grizzled Action Director, the idealistic Assistant Director (also the lead), the jerk Star and his girlfriend- who is also the Starlet.  You got all that?  Because it's very important that you remember these people and their one-note characterizations.  The Star is bitchy, his girlfriend is nice and everyone else can't get along.  They meet a creepy guy in the woods who also serves as their guide.  If you want to have fun, make a drinking game out of how many times the star threatens to quit.  That will help you out.

One day after filming, the group decides to go camping.  Why?  Because their only camera is broke.  No, really.  That night, they see a shooting star and discuss, although they don't feel like showing it to us.  Boo.  After a bit more padding and one *short* musical number, the horror begins.  They find their creepy guy dead, courtesy of a shot stolen right from Cannibal Holocaust.  At least you're in...um, lots of company.  They try to leave in their truck, only to run into a branch...kind of.  The group really doesn't hit a tree or anything- they just stop.  The group runs around for a bit, making sure to argue a bit as well.  The producer gets grabbed by a monster just off-screen...and it remains that way.  You want to see the monster, don't you?  Is it a space alien?  Is it a Predator?  Is it a three-head, six-armed, double-penised monster?  Wait and see.  The group wanders around some more.  I can't get enough of that.

The group stops for the night and proceeds to bond.  We get little plot threads addressed, like our hero's interest in the starlet and the star still being a dick.  Okay, that part didn't change any.  As time goes on, the group gets a bit smaller.  It ultimately boils down to just the ADR, the starlet and his girlfriend/PA.  As they start a bit of a climb, the girlfriend gets her ankle injured and just sort of gives up on life.  Seriously, she just jumps off the ledge.  Meanwhile, another crew member learns that his faith in deities for protection is no good.  So what could be killing them then?  A chase ensues as the final two run and run and run.  They end up in the river and the monster doesn't follow.  Apparently, this monster is hurt by water, a plot thread set up in a scene where it rained.  The pair go down the river and eventually fall over a waterfall.  Yeah, that would kill you.  They end up in a village as the monster roars off-screen.  When asked what attacked them, they answer 'I don't know.'  Immediately following this, we get a screen saying 'Coming Soon' followed by 'Agyaat 2.'  No, really.  The End.

This movie is bad.  I don't care how many nukes that country may secretly have, I'm saying it!  The plot is as bare bones as the skeleton of that guy who skinny dipped in a river full of piranhas.  People go to the jungle, monster appears (but not on camera) and death ensues.  That's all you've got?  If you're going to be that 'stock,' you could at least throw in some interesting characters.  Yeah, not so much.  An egotistical actor- seen it.  Crazy producer who makes faces- who cares?  Dorky guy obsessed with a starlet- so what?  The biggest thing is this: the movie is a tease.  Much like how Lost Boys II was just to set up a film where the two Coreys faced off (sadly, that won't happen), this one is to set up...um, an interesting movie.  Why would I bother?  If you didn't care about showing me the monster- the crux of a monster movie- why should I believe that you will this time?  Viewers who can get past this pretty serious oversight may have fun with some of the silly characters and bad acting.  As for me, I'll stick with Dhoom 2.  At least that film was hysterically-bad.

Up next, we return to the wacky world of Jean Rollin.  What's better than a vampire, a masked cult and random nude scene (or 8)?  Stay tuned...

The *Comprehensive* Puppet Master Timeline

Does the Puppet Master series have a solid chronology?  Well, let's see...

1902: A sorcerer steals magic from an Egyptian God and gives the secret to Toulon. (Retro Puppet Master)

***Missing History***

1912: Andre Toulon tours Egypt with his Faust show (various Puppet Master films)

***Missing History***

1926: While in Egypt, a dark-haired Toulon is given the secrets of reanimating dolls from a Wizard.  (Puppet Master 2)

1939: Toulon goes to America- the Bodega Bay Inn, specifically- while fleeing the Nazis.  He commits suicide. (Puppet Master)

-A worker takes Toulon's dolls from the Bodega Bay Inn and battles Nazis. (Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, Axis Rising and Axis Termination)

***Missing History.

1941: Toulon battles Nazis in Germany.  He escapes to America. (Puppet Master 3)

-Toulon's grave at the Bodega Bay Inn is dated as 1941. (Puppet Master 2)

1989: Toulon's dolls end up in an evil psychic's hands at the Bodega Bay Inn.  He's killed by the dolls. (Puppet Master)

1990: The dolls resurrect Toulon and he turns evil.  He is killed (well, again) by the dolls.  (Puppet Master 2)

1993: A young man finds Toulon's dolls back in their chest while watching the Bodega Bay Inn and fights the evil Egyptian God. (Puppet Master 4)

1994: The young man fights the God again, vanquishing him once and for all with the help of Toulon's spirit. (Puppet Master 5)

1998: A scientist buys Toulon's dolls (in the chest again) and does experiments on people.  He's killed by the dolls.  (Curse of the Puppet Master)

2004: A woman seeks out Toulon's secret and kills Rick (from Puppet Master 4).  She confronts a new Puppet Master (no previous film).  He kills her, but is confronted by the dolls. (Puppet Master: The Legacy)



So, does that answer your question?  I thought so.