Klaus Know Me?: Venom (1981)

Klaus Kinski is a man whose talents have worked for many countries.  Just this month, we've seen him in a Spanish film, an Italian film and now it's a British one.  As a bonus, this movie was originally meant to be directed by Tobe Hooper.  According to reports, the film's two stars- Oliver Reed and Kinski- did not like Hooper and did everything they could to get rid of him.  This plan worked and the T.C.M. director was gone after a mere ten days.  In his place was Piers Haggard, the man who brought us The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu.  That's right- he directed Peter Sellers' last movie, which was both racist and not funny.  I can see why they were so high on the guy!  The film is based on a book, apparently, and takes place in London.  This does beg the question of why Hooper was initially hired in the first place, but, whatever.  So the film is about two convergent events: a poisonous snake arriving at a kid's house and a hostage situation occurring.  Worst day ever!!!  Given the relatively-dubious quality of the Kinski films so far, can this one do any better or will it just kill my nervous system?  Get out your anti-snake helmet for my review of...

The movie begins with a rich kid being picked up from school by his butler (Reed) and his mother.  This scene runs for a few moments, mostly in an attempt to get the credits in.  This is a very good argument for putting the credits at the end of the movie, guys!  Anyways, the mother is worried because...well, she's a doting mother stereotype.  The kid is at home with the grandfather, who is a fun character.  Naturally, this means that she believes him to be reckless and crazy.  She has to go away on a trip that's for both business and pleasure.  She worries and dotes for a few minutes before finally leaving the movie.  You won't be missed.  During all of that, the butler and the maid do some sort of scheming.  Gee, they look trustworthy!  The woman calls up someone who turns out to be...drum roll please...Klaus Kinski.  The grandpa and son get along great, talking about the old man's past in Africa.  Gee, I wonder if knowledge about animals from Africa will come in handy.  The kid goes out to a pet store and picks up his delivery of a snake.  Unfortunately, the store finds out too late that the Black Mamba meant for a poison-testing lab was sent there instead.  Ruh roh.  Meanwhile, Kinski sets up a meeting with the grandfather...only to bail on him.  Yeah, I don't get that at all.

Klaus arrives at the house and the group enacts their master plan.  Unfortunately for them, they draw some police attention.  Well, at least it's only a couple cops.  Oops, Oliver just blasted one with a shotgun.  Now you guys may have some trouble.  To make matters worse, they open the box and the snake bites the maid.  Never mind that the snake clearly has no fangs (see above shot).  It's a bit like the zombie vs. shark battle where the shark has had all of it's teeth pulled.  The wily snake escapes into the vents as the people freak out.  Reed gets mad (big surprise), but Kinski- surprisingly- stays calm and collected.  The whole situation turns into a hostage crisis.  The police surround the area.  While this is happening, the maid is slowly dying from the snake venom.  By the way, if you love ridiculous acting, her performance here is golden!  The woman from the poison-studying group calls up the cops and warns them about the situation, but all is still not clear to them yet.  Speaking of the snake, he's crawling through the air ducts in a scene we would later enjoy in Die Hard.

Things get more tense and dramatic as the story continues.  The snake gets loose for a bit and does some P.O.V. style-attacks.  Eventually, it ends up in the basement where it attacks Reed.  Outside, the poison expert negotiates for the girl to be sent out and given the cure...only for it to be a trick and have Kinski bring her inside.  They threaten her with violence and send out a finger of her's to prove how serious they are.  Mind you, this turns out to be one of the dead maid's, but it's still interesting.  Holy Michael Gough sighting!  Gough appears to help the police by showing them a side entrance to the house, while the main cop gears up as a motorcycle cop.  Why?  To protect him from the snake bites, of course.  They go inside and get attacked by the snake.  However, they do manage to kill Reed with a shotgun blast.  Things get really tense as Kinski puts the poison expert out on the balcony for cover while he negotiates.  That all falls apart when the snake attacks him, biting his face!  He gets shot when the woman moves, leading to his bloody corpse falling off the balcony.  They head-shot the snake during all of this too, by the way.  The day is saved...but the mother shows up again.  Oh well- you win some, you lose some.

This movie...has a lot of potential, but doesn't quite live up to them.  The plot is a simple one, but it works.  The problem is that they can only do so much, leading to many long pauses and breaks.  The constant cross-cutting between the snake, the police, the criminals and the hostages wears a little thin too.  It's not terrible- just a bit distracting.  There are also a lot of times when the movie feels a bit overly-dramatic too.  For example, three armed men can do nothing when facing down a single snake?  I get what you're going for movie, but it just feels odd.  On the upside, Reed and Kinski both play their parts to perfection.  Mind you, depending on how much of their personal history you believe, these roles are pretty much their actual personalities!  Plus, I'll never complain about a surprise Michael Gough cameo.  If you like these kind of thrillers, this will please you.  If you like scarier stuff, look elsewhere.

Next up, Forgotten Sequels returns with a story 20+ years in the making.  Will it be worth the wait or just leave you wanting an axe to the face?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: The Satan Killer

I've come across many a silly cover.  Today is no exception.  However, this one goes for the extra bit of WTF...

This is...so awesome and yet so stupid.  He's a serial killer that carves pentagrams on woman's chests?  How is that mocking Satan?  Either way, if The Killing of Satan (real movie) couldn't deliver on his death, how could this?

Next up, I think it's been too long since I showcased a mid-80s rip-off film.  This one targets Clive Barker with...a whimper.  Stay tuned...

Living Dead and Deader: Cave of the Living Dead

The Living Dead theme has not panned out so well this month, but maybe things will turn around.  Here are the facts for you.  In 1964, Akos Rathonyi (yes, him) made Cave of the Living Dead aka Night of the Vampires.  It was released in the United States under the former title by Universal.  It's about vampires.  That's about it.  I guess I could go into a lot more detail...but I won't.  It's a Gothic horror movie in all of the meanings of the world.  Oddly, it is set in modern times and constantly faces the intrusion of modern times (of nearly 50 years ago).  Is this a unique theme or a plot point that goes nowhere?  Here are vampires and not zombies, I guess.  Get out your death certificates for my review of...

Our tale begins with a detective being pulled away from vacation by a series of murders.  He drives out into the country as the credits roll, constantly getting in his way.  Come on- crash already!  He gets there, but runs into a problem when his car stalls.  Apparently, this is a common occurrence in this area.  As we learn, every time a murder takes place, the power in the area goes out.  Wow, that's random.  I sure hope that they never bother to really explain this plot point in any way!  Thankfully for him, a beautiful woman comes along and helps him out, telling him where an inn is at.  That night, the maid at said inn goes to bed before he arrives.  He gets drawn in with conversation and good soup.  This proves important as a shadowy figure wanders into town and kills the girl in her room...off-camera.  Yeah, it's one of those movies.  The next day, he is awoken by the cops, who think that he is the killer.  Sadly, these guys are actually *comedy* cops and fall for the 'look over there' bit before being corrected.  We also meet the village's doctor, who declares all of the deaths to be heart attacks.  Man, you must live in Detroit!

As time goes on, our hero learns that some evil is afoot.  On the outskirts of town, a scientist is doing some sort of vague experiments.  Quick- he's the bad guy!  Oh right, I'm not supposed to know that yet.  He has the woman from earlier doing research with him and his black butler to...well, be racist.  As a side note, it must have been hard to make it as a black guy in German films from the 1960s!  There are some weird people in town as well, including the way-too-friendly inn owner, a weird lady who does magic and a villager who really, really wants to fight.  So that's how Finlay got his start.  Hmm, I wonder how many people got that joke?  Anyhow, he makes a big fuss about our hero even being in town, so much so that he wants to fight him at every turn.  Wow, two German Red Herrings in a week- nice!  After seeing the weird, old lady, our hero is convinced that only one thing could be behind the murders: vampires!  Well, it's called Night of the Vampires, so...maybe.  Back in the city, our hero's bosses get flack over a killing taking place after the guy go there.  Another man rightfully points out that he had only been there for about two hours when it happened.  Thank you, logic.

As the story builds towards a close, a lot of shit goes down.  The police discover the body of the woman from earlier is missing and go looking for it.  It eventually shows up in a well, only to disappear again.  So you can get rid of a body, but not a bomb?  Our hero ends up staying in the castle with the scientist, since he suspects that something is up with him.  As it turns out, there is.  Of course, he also has the hots for the lady scientist too.  He tries to learn the truth about what is going on, which does not make the villagers happy.  They want the vampires to be a local lore and not to become news...or something.  For whatever reason, our hero fights Red Herring and wins.  Wow, that was pointless.  Eventually, the lady scientist tries to leave, since her work is done.  He locks her in the basement with the vampires...but she is found by our hero and let out.  Huh?  They go back in and find the creatures, but put a stop to them with very little effort.  By the way, the scientist is a vampire and...he dies too.  Why did the power go out again?  Oh well...The End.

This movie is...alright.  It doesn't really do anything all that interesting or bad.  The plot is simple enough: vampires are loose in a village.  The idea of setting one in modern times and with modern sensibilities is an interesting one.  Sadly, the movie doesn't really do anything with it.  It's like 'we have an interesting idea...but let's just do what's been done 600 times before instead.'  Don't get me wrong- the movie is competent, is paced well and is entertaining.  The problem is that it just has so little of unique value to actually make it stand out amongst the 1,000,000 other vampire films out there.  If Hammer or Universal did not exist, this movie would be an easy recommendation.  As it is, it's one for the obscure horror fan or the completist.  If you have seen a lot of vampire movies, you've seen this one too.  Even still, it does have a certain, Gothic charm to it.

Up next, Klaus is back with a movie that came out of England.  Can a snake out-class Klaus Kinski and Oliver Reed at the same time?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Double-Trash: Open Water 2 and Black Water

I hate myself.  I really, really do.  How else do you explain why I would watch not one, but two movies that promise nothing but boredom?  Seriously, I must have some sort of condition.  To make sure that it's not contagious, I'm going to keep as many people as I can from watching either one of these movies.  It's a small step, but it's important to me...dammit!  The first film is Open Water 2: Adrift.  What can I say?  It's the non-sequel to a movie that was about a pair of people floating around for 90 minutes until sharks ate them.  This movie has zero sharks, zero reason to make people care and zero to offer.  It's a 90-minute film that feels about sixty-five minutes too long- that's being generous.  Much like the original film, this claims to be based on actual events.  Let's extend the same kind like of logic used by the filmmakers here to other films.  S.S. Doomtrooper is 'Based on Actual Events,' since it features Americans fighting Nazis and that really happened.  If you think I'm being too harsh, get out your bathing suit-rope for my review of...

The film begins with some home movie footage of people playing at the beach.  It's shot in the style of one of those FMV videos, complete with the video being in a tiny box.  Distracting and pointless- two points!  After that bit of nothing, we meet up with our cast.  The only person I recognize: Eric Dane aka 'Hero' from Feast.  How sad.  They are all going out on Dane's yacht for his birthday, despite the fact that one of them has reservations about it.  The lead woman is afraid of the water, for reasons that we will find out later.  Here's a thought: don't go!  There would literally not be a movie without you.  She sucks it up, mostly due to pressure from her husband to go out there with their kid.  What a loving marriage, huh?  After this, the group heads out, leading to some filler with them acting like idiots and/or drinking.  About fifteen minutes in, the group is all out swimming around, save for our heroine and Mr. Dane.  He gets the 'wacky' idea to pick her up and jump in the water with her, despite her crippling phobia.  It's all fun and games until they realize the horrible truth: he forgot to hit the ladder release button.  No, really.  This yacht that must cost thousands of dollars has an electric device that sticks out a ladder, but doesn't have a rope one on the side.  I hate my life.

Things get worse and worse for our heroes.  They tie all their suits together to form a rope and have Dane try to climb it, only for the thing to rip.  After that, they just bitch at each other for an hour or so until most of them die- from getting too tired to swim- and Dane 'redeems himself' by hitting the switch.  Our Final Girl lives and goes to see her baby, but Dane's fate is left open to interpretation.  Tell me the next film is going to be a little better...
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All signs point to 'No.'  This Australian import tells the tale of a trio of people who get stuck in a situation that nobody would want to be in.  On paper, this could definitely work.  In reality, this is as dull of muddy dishwater.  You see, this movie has a cast of five people with speaking lines.  Mind you, one of them is a cameo shorter than anything Hitchcock ever pulled off and another one is in the movie for maybe ten minutes.  So I'm left with three people sitting around in a tree.  Why are they in a tree?  Well, I'll get to that in the review.  What you need to know is this.  Much like Open Water 2, this movie blows it's load very early and just sort of hangs around like the drunk guy at a party.  It's 2AM and I want this movie to get on with it's life, but it's not taking the hint!  In case you still doubt me, you'll learn.  Get out your upside down boats for my review of...

The film begins with our heroes leaving their mother's house.  Hey, remember that cameo I mentioned earlier?  Now, we're down to only four people with lines.  The trio consists of a couple that's dating and the sister of the woman.  We get a few minutes of character dialogue and setting up of the plot.  Basically, they're touring Australia and seeing the sights, including a short trip to the zoo where they see crocodiles.  Hey, I smell an obvious set-up to the plot.  They go out for a boat ride into the swamps of Australia because, yeah, people want to see that.  To make matters worse, we learn that the girlfriend is pregnant, but she hasn't told the boyfriend yet.  Yes, give me more pathos, movie!  Their guide leads them out into the...well, brown swamp full of trees before a crocodile attacks them.  Why would it attack a boat?  Um, because...that's why.  The couple manages to get up in one of the many trees, but the sister is in the water.  She struggles to get onto the overturned boat, managing to narrowly do so in time.  Hey, here's a question for you- why can't it just turn the boat back over again?  I'm just asking because there's nothing else to occupy my time for the next seventy minutes.

The premise is simple: the crocodile is hanging around and they can't go anywhere.  Really- that's it.  There's no mind-games by the creature, other cast members or anything else at all.  Hell, they draw out every scene just to make the movie hit 90 minutes.  A shot of someone watching the water to see an enemy approach- intense.  Seeing this shot for a good five minutes straight- boring.  The guy dies, the crocodile wounds but doesn't kill the girlfriend and the sister eventually kills the beast.  Make use of your fast-forward button, people! 

Both of these movies suck!  How do you kill two premises with such shit?!?  The first film takes the realistic 'oh shit- how do we survive this' premise of Open Water and turns into a movie about people who can't get back onto their boat!  Who green-lit this idea?!?  I seriously hate stuff like this and makes me not want to see movies for a living...if this actually paid anything.  Black Water is...a little better.  You know why?  As dull and predictable as it was, it at least had some conflict.  I wasn't forced to watch a one-act play involving naked people trying to float in the water.  On the flip side, however, it's a movie about the world's smartest and, simultaneously, the world's dumbest crocodile.  This thing is patient enough to wait around for two days to kill these people.  However, it also makes its presence known far in advance of its attack.  Apex predator, my ass!  A quick look at Wikipedia on the animals from this movie indicates that they hunt primarily at night- this one hunts during the day.  Here's another fun fact: there are one to two fatal attacks reported per year.  In this movie, there are three.  So, to summarize, a movie nerd in Florida knows more about crocodiles than actual Austrian people who make shitty direct-to-DVD horror films.  How sad.

Up next, I return to the Living Dead theme with an old-school, import film that actually pre-dates Romero's work.  Naturally, it has a severe lack of zombies in it.  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Slaughter Hotel

You're getting a double-dose of Klaus this week, so count your blessings!  The thing about your German dynamo is that he was in a lot of genre films.  It sort of became a joke, actually, that he would turn down some major film roles and, instead, do low-budget stuff in the genre-specific markets.  "I don't need to do a Francis Ford Coppola film- there's a WWII film that needs me!"  I mention that because that's exactly what he did in the case of today's movie.  Slaughter Hotel aka The Cold Blooded Beast aka The Man Who Kills In Cold Blood aka Asylum Erotica was made in 1971 by Fernando Di Leo.  If you don't know that name, you shouldn't feel bad.  Between 1964 and 1985, he made- you guessed it- many genre films, including such compelling films as Naked Violence, The Italian Connection and Death Commando.  The film was made after the sudden rise of Giallo and fits the mold pretty well.  The only problem: the focus is almost entirely on the naughty stuff, not the violence.  In fact, considering the title, the actual 'slaughter' is few and far between.  Even so, this has Klaus, so it can still be redeemed.  Get out your bloody axe collection for my review of...

Right off the bat, a strange person dressed like The Phantom of the Opera via Scooby-Doo wanders around and finds a woman in bed.  She writhes about, revealing her naked body.  Before it can attack her, the lights come on nearby and they flee.  No murder and just boobs, eh?  This does set the tone for the whole movie, people!  The movie proper begins with long shots of a couple driving in a car.  The woman is not happy, but the man is fairly calm.  They get to the titular hotel (although it's not in my title) and she gets out.  She starts to try and talk to him...when he promptly drives away.  She is met by a doctor (not Klaus) who goes to lead the bothered woman to her room.  By the way, the front door has a separate, tiny door on it.  WHY?!?  She tries to attack with him a stick, but, since all psychiatrists are psychics, he stops her with his back turned to her and leads her on.  Yes, let's just ignore that attempted assault!  It's around this time that we find out this is a psychiatric hospital for hot models, who never once stop wearing their designer clothes and make-up.  No, really.  On top of that, one of the nurses- a dead ringer for Magenta from Rocky Horror- is engaging in an affair with a black patient.  I know that she kind of looks like Sade, but it's still wrong!  In addition to that, their is the man I like to think of as Dr. Red Herring (Klaus Kinski).  He's got to be up to something...right?

The big problem with the movie becomes very clear in the middle portion: the movie has almost no gore, but lots of nudity.  For example, one of the women is apparently a nymphomaniac, which is always the sexiest kind of mental illness.  By the way, I have free space for your patients if you get full, guys!  She sneaks out- through the tiny door- and goes to find the gardener (not Joe Dallesandro), disrobing when she sees him.  They have sex, a bit that overshadows the fact that the masked killer decapitates a nurse!  All of this leads up to...well, nothing.  She hangs around for a bit, but only gets one major scene later.  The relationship between the nurse and Not Sade continues to develop with all of the subtlety you might expect.  What?  You don't think that most psychiatric hospitals have one-on-one massages done by the nurses, clad only in their underwear?  Okay, so they clearly don't!  The killer eventually picks up his pace a bit, going after one of the blond patients.  His killing method needs a little work, however.  He sneaks into her room and...puts his knife in her hand.  When she wakes up, she, shockingly, tries to attack him.  He struggles with her before stabbing her to death.  What did you think would happen?

Just as the story ramps up, the pointless nude scenes do as well.  Every time a woman is on-screen, she pretty much has to be at least topless.  In one weird scene, Not Sade and Not Magenta come out of the bathroom together and...start doing interpretive dance.  No, really.  This starts to escalate into something more, but, first, Not Sade goes to open the window...only to get shot by a crossbow bolt fired by the killer!  How do you plan for that?!?  Finally, after all of the deaths, the police get involved.  They discover that there is a drawer full of weapons that the killer has been using.  Not only that, but they are out in the hallway!  I have to ask this again: what kind of hospital are you running here?!?  The killer sneaks around for a bit as the police search for him.  It's at this time that we learn that Dr. Red Herring is not the killer.  What a twist!  Despite the police's boasting, he runs away from them, kills a couple of officers and makes it to one of the hospital's bedrooms.  Since these woman can do nothing but cower in the corner, they all get hacked to death (see below)!  Finally, the police come in and shoot the guy- he was nobody important- to death with about 100 bullets in true Sam Peckinpah-style!  The End.

Holy crap, this movie sucks!  The whole premise a lot of promise: a killer in a psychiatric hospital full of hot women.  How do you screw that up?!?  Well, the answer is simple: you make it all about the sex and not about the killing.  This movie is similar in style to many Franco films, just pressed through a blender into an attempt to ape Dario Argento's style.  None of the good comparisons hold up, but the bad ones sure do!  The plot meanders so much, even stopping to let all of the women have flashbacks to scenes we already saw!  Did the film just come in five minutes too short, so they added this shit?  For a film called Slaughter Hotel, (The) Cold Blooded Beast or The Man Who Kills in Cold Blood, it is an utter lie.  For a movie called Asylum Erotica, it's right on the money!  How about you be more honest, next time?  Is that too much to ask?

Up next, it's a rare DOUBLE Blockbuster Trash.  It's a showdown between two of the most dull horror films ever!  Stay tuned...

Lost and Found: Little Red Riding Hood (1922)

The Story

In the 1920s, a little film company called Disney was trying to break into the animation market.  Come 1922, they made their first major short: Little Red Riding Hood.  Clocking in at 6 minutes or so, the film was arguably their first attempt at animated storytelling.  At some point, the film became lost.  In 1980, the film was listed by the AFI as one of the 'Top 10 Most Wanted Films For Archival Preservation.'  Would that day ever come?

Was it Found?

Thankfully, yes.  In 1998, a film historian went to a film library and discovered a print.  He made sure to restore it the same year.

Significance?

It is a piece of animation history.  Disney is a massive name in the field of animation and this is arguably the start of their empire.  Many more films would come to solidify their place.  Is this movie going to ever be compared to Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella?  No.  However, without this film, it's hard to say whether or not those would have been made in the first place.

Next up, Tarzan makes his way to the craziest of places.  Yes, there is another one of these!  Stay tuned...

*Credit goes to the nerds at Wikipedia for cataloging this*

Klaus, Know Me?: Star Knight

Klaus Kinski is a name known to most foreign film buffs, but not many others.  The man had a fifty year career (1948 to 1989) career, yet he's still fairly-obscure to the mainstream.  That's sad- so let me do my best to fix that.  

Sure, Klaus has been dead since 1991, but it's the thought that counts!  

The first film to showcase is an obscure Spanish film with a premise that sold me instantly.  It's simple: aliens in medieval times.  How has this not been done a dozen times yet?  The movie stars Klaus Kinski, Harvey Keitel and a bunch of other Spanish guys that I don't know.  Now, there is one problem to note: the whole thing is dubbed- at least in my version.  With a movie this obscure, there aren't many types of prints available, so you may be stuck with a dubbed, pan-and-scan version like I was.  Regardless, you should still check this out.  

Don't believe me?  Well, read on, true believers!  Get out your fish-bowl helmets for my review of...

The movie begins with a bit of silly narration talking about how people were obsessed with the idea of alchemy.  That's nice, but how does it relate to, oh, anything?  In a castle, an occult priest (Kinski) prays for a sign from the Heavens and gets...a blinding light.  Thanks God- now I'm blind!  

A bunch of other people see the light too, although with a less jubilant view than Klaus.  This light comes from an alien spaceship that flies by!  All of this drives the peasants crazy, as we see in a montage showing how they are freaking out and making up stories.  I guess if I had nothing to do but shovel shit all day, I might want to focus on something else too!  

The job of stopping this chaos and potential uprising falls on the King's Knight Klever (Keitel).  He doesn't seem to be very successful with just talk, so there is only one solution: he must slay the dragon.  By the way, the villagers think that there is a dragon around.  All of this distracts him from his main goal of romancing the King's daughter (some Spanish actress).  

The problem: she doesn't feel a damn thing for him.  On top of that, there is a conflict for the King's attention between his priest (another Spanish guy) and his 'wizard' (the aforementioned Kinski).  

To get away from all of that, the Princess goes out to the nearby lake and goes for a skinny dip.  Unfortunately, this leads to her being abducted by the spaceship.  Whoops.

In the wake of the Princess' disappearance, the King and Klever go out to the lake- since the woman's handler saw the event- and try to find her.  The lady makes sure to blame it on 'a dragon,' since these guys just love a narrative.  As night falls, Klever and the others are floating around in boats and 'challenging the dragon.'  Finally, the ship moves about- apparently it left the lake and came back- and flies away.  

They draw this out, since the movie is supposed to be a comedy.  

It's all about making Klever look like an idiot, basically.  This includes having him fall out of his boat, flail around and all sorts of stuff like that.  We are also treated to a running joke here that I don't exactly get.  The first time the Princess went to the lake, she passed by a Knight who 'wasn't supposed to let anyone pass.'  She tricks her way past him, setting up the arrival of the King and his men later.  He tries the same thing with them, but he has to let them by.  All this was missing was the 'wah wah' sound effect to complete.  

I hope you like this guy, because he has at least three more scenes doing the same schtick.  On the ship, we learn that the 'dragon' has an alien man as its controller.  He looks very odd in his scaly spacesuit and fish-bowl helmet.  In spite of all that, she falls in love.

Eventually, the Princess convinces the alien to return her to her homeland.  The 'wizard' tracks them down- passing by the stupid Knight at the bridge again- and meets up with the alien (see above).  He forms a bond with the 'person' and decides to help the lovers out.  

On the flip-side, the Priest and Klever are in the King's ear (not literally) and convince him that only the Knight can kill 'the dragon.'  If he, or anyone, does this, they will be married to the Princess and inherit half of the kingdom.  The King's men find where the ship has landed (insert Knight at bridge-again) and Klever calls him out.  Being sort-of a bitch, the Princess goads him into fighting for her honor.  Wow, good satire in this film- for once!  He actually drops her outside of the ship, making Klever happy, but her not.  

However, the alien shows up on the bridge-guarding Knight's horse and challenges Klever.  The fight goes back and forth, eventually leading to Klever hitting the alien.  He hits an unseen button, however, and gets his armor switched with the alien's!  The now-nude alien lies dying (he can't breathe our air) until Klaus pours liquid gold down his throat- saving him.  Meanwhile, Klever and the priest try to kill the dragon from the inside, ultimately leading to them being launched into space.  The 'Star Knight' returns with the Princess and gets his wishes.  The End.

This movie...could have been a lot better.  The plot actually has a lot of promise, but falters quite a bit.  Much like Scream, it makes fun of the clichés while also doing them!  There is some good satire, but slow pacing in the middle hurts the flow of it all.  Some of the acting is pretty good, as Keitel and Klaus really nail their roles well.  The filler characters- i.e. the bridge-guarding Knight- don't do so well though.  On top of that, the DVD version is dubbed...badly and never syncs up.  On one hand, it adds a camp element.  On the other hand, it is very distracting.  The presentation is good though and there are some unique things to be seen.  In more competent hands, it could have become a real cult classic that pulls the air out of all of those 'sword and chivalry' films.  As it is, it is a very-forgotten film that doesn't get the attention that it should have.  I can't say for sure that you'll like the movie, but it sure is something that you probably have not seen before.  In an age of same-old, same old and sequels out the wazoo, I'll take that.

Next up, I give you a second dose of Klaus with an Italian slasher film.  What happens when the film is more obsessed with sex than plot though?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Poltergeist III

Our second and final Poltergeist sequel is upon us.  What do you need to know?  Well, the 'curse' claimed the life of Julian Beck and Will Sampson.  Damn you- you took a man who already had stomach cancer when he started filming and one who was having both his heart and lungs replaced!  Seriously though, their deaths were tragic, but hardly due to any curse.  It's not like talking about it can kill you....nope, still alive.  The other news was that Heather O'Rourke died during post-production, due to some doctors being dumb-asses and treating her for the wrong disorder.  Some confusion exists about this, as the director claimed that she died before the film was actually finished, while everyone else said she died during re-shoots.  Why did they do re-shoots?  Well, the movie was given a PG rating- oh the humanity!  That's right, the studio spent a shit-ton of money to make the movie more gory and full of blood.  Because of that, they refused to use the original ending that actually featured O'Rourke, leaving them with...well, you'll see.  Check out the movie for the obvious inspiration for 2003's Into The Mirror and the subsequent remake.  Get out your two-way mirrors for my review of...

The film begins by completely contrasting the original film.  We're not in the desert or in the suburbs- we're in the big city!  This movie takes place in Chicago, a city that I actually like.  After all, Batman lives there.  We see that our heroine- O'Rourke- is living there with some relatives.  Actually, it's one relative and their awkward family.  Why is she there?  Well, the movie has no real good answer for it, so neither do I.  The family consists of her mother's sister, the woman's new husband and the man's teenage daughter.  Before you ask, they're not her kids...I think.  The movie spends so little time actually setting this up that I'm honestly not sure.  I know that the couple has only been married for about a year, so, unless the kids are aliens and/or mutants, they're not her kids.  Oh right, there's a plot here.  The young girl is going to a school for gifted kids, a school so prestigious that they get spied on by random people that help fund it.  Seriously, her class consists of a teacher telling the kids that they can do great things.  That's a nice sentiment...but don't they need actual knowledge to do this?  In a weird sub-plot, the school's psychologist is convinced that our heroine has some sort of ability to make people see things.  Sure- why not?

The movie ponders about for a bit before it gets down to the nitty-gritty.  After some random scenes of the ghost of Kane (aka the Preacher who's not Julian Beck), our heroine stays in for the night as the parents go off to a party...in the building.  This is one big-ass building!  So big-ass, in fact, that it is actually one building, the mall from a different building across the street and the parking garage from a third one!  The daughter sneaks off to another apartment to hang out with her friends, who all plan to sneak off to the pool after hours.  Oh, you wascally-wabbits!  They go through a lot of trouble to do this, even making a loop in the security cameras.  Seriously, why don't you just save some time and have sex?!?  At a luncheon, Tangina senses a 'disturbance in the force' and flies towards the city to help.  Make note of the timing, by the way.  Back in the apartment, the image of Kane finally makes himself known in a mirror and tries to kill our heroine.  Um, how can she help you when she's dead?  Actually, this become a key plot point later...in a complete contradiction of the previous films.  Tangina saves the day by way of psychic communication with the on-flight phone.  No, really.

Things get crazy in the last forty minutes or so and I can only try to keep up.  Our heroine, the sister and the boyfriend fall into a watery pit in the parking lot.  The boyfriend pops out through the frozen pool- which is unfrozen seconds later- while our heroine gets out via a mirror.  The girl?  She shows up when a mirror-version of our heroine instant-kills Tangina (thanks for coming) and the girl comes out through her corpse (see above).  How did Tangina get there so fast?  The boy leaves, but we learn that the teen girl is actually a mirror duplicate (as shown by the backwards writing on her clothes).  Where does this lead?  Pretty much nowhere.  The parking lot becomes a dangerous ground when Kane coats them in ice and controls them...somehow.  It's all a big mess...that just sort of ends.  Well, that was a simple thing to solve, but...nah, it's not over.  The door is frozen over as Kane attempts to steal O'Rourke, so the father takes out the window-cleaning mechanism to go around the window.  He breaks in...and instantly disappears.  The wife has to get the spirit of O'Rourke back by telling her that she's part of her family.  They go into the mirror and bring back the father, daughter and O'Rourke.  What happens to Kane?  The dead Zelda (too soon?) leads him 'into the light' and all is well.  Well, except that you can't show O'Rourke's face in the finale...

This movie...tries too hard.  Seriously, the plot is interesting at points, but just throw in too much.  On top of the family, we have the teenage friends, the multiple controlled-objects and the therapist.  You could have cut a couple of those, guys!  Of course, the problem for this is simple: sequel-itis.  They had to one-up both of the last two films, so we got weird mirror duplicates, frozen rooms, randomly appearing pits, ghost-controlled cars and an oddly-realistic Tangina corpse.  I wonder if the 'girl pops out of a dead body' scene was added to get that rating up?  The so-called 'Poltergeist Curse' comes up as the writers had to write around Will Sampson not being in it, having apparently given over his magical necklace (where was that in Part II?) to help out.  It is nice of them to credit Julian Beck as the original actor to play Kane, although the new guy does pretty well too.  The obvious thing to mention is the new ending that has no shot of O'Rourke.  I can see what they were trying to do, but they apparently had another ending with her.  Why didn't they use that?  It just sets you up for this line of questioning and could have been so easily avoided!  Is this movie as good as the first film?  No.  It just tries too hard.  Is it as good as the second film?  No.  The spirit of the movie (no pun intended) was just gone and this just feels weird.  Why change everything save for O'Rourke and Zelda?  They could have done so much more here!  As it is, it's an interesting film, but not the best send-off for the series.

Up next, my first Klaus Kinski review sets the bar pretty high.  It has knights, aliens and the guy from Bad Lieutenant- oh my.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Equalizer 2008

It's never a good idea to put a year in your title.  It just dates you much more quickly than you realize.  The only way to distract from this is to put explosions and giant guns on yoru cover.

Holy crap- that gun has at least three barrels on it!  I think that thing would dislocate your shoulder if you even dared to fire it!  Oh yeah, there's a lot of other shit going on there too.  It's just hard not to focus on the gun.

Up next, I want to showcase a series of movie posters that show you monster scenes that they couldn't possibly match.  Way to sell me a lie!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Poltergeist II

Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist is a film that is rightfully-praised as an '80s classic.  Hell, it's so popular that an entire Family Guy episode is based on it!  The other thing about is that the entire series is supposedly cursed.  The urban legend is based on the idea that a real human skeleton was used as a prop, thus dooming the whole cast.  Never mind that a good majority of them (including Hooper, Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams and Steven Spielberg) are still alive and well.  The legend grew strong when Dominique Dunne was murdered after filming the first film and one of the cast members (Julian Beck) died during production of this film, followed by another one in the next couple of years and, finally, the young star of the series.  Yeah, that looks bad, doesn't it?  Even so, there's go to be more going on than a crazy bit of urban lore, right?  Well, yes.  I like to highlight sequels that have gotten overlooked or forgotten about & this one seems to fit the bill.  Will it match the original film or just fall flat?  Get out your Indian beads for my review of...

The film begins with a car driving through the desert and passing by a giant piece of rock.  We cut to a matte painting...I mean, the top of the thing and see an old, Indian approaching a fire.  He's joined by an even-older Indian man who sets up a weird, ceremonial light show.  Way to blow your budget on a complete non-sequitur, guys!  On some other day, the man shows up at the smoking crater that once was the Freeling residence.  He finds Zelda there, fulfilling her contractual obligation, and they discover a bunch of corpses under the house.  The key one is a mummified corpse that will prove to be important later.  We cut to the Freeling family in their new house, which they apparently were headed to in that opening bit.  The family is not doing well for money, since their house insurance will not pay for the damages.  In a truly silly bit, they actually claimed the actual reason for their house being destroyed!  Really?  Am I supposed to take this seriously?  As part of the new arrangement, the family is living with grandma, a nice woman who apparently has some secrets.  She gets along well with the kid, since they share a connection: they're both psychic!  Yeah, that doesn't feel forced at all.  One night, the girl gets a call on her toy phone from the grandma, who apparently just died.  Thanks for coming, actress who outlived most of the cast by a good 15 years.

Our little heroine is having some trouble, as she sees visions and is being followed around by a creepy ghost man.  Man, I hate it when that happens.  The man (Julian Beck) is a priest who wants to spend some 'quality time' with our heroine.  You see, he's a spirit that can't pass on and needs her to lead him to the light.  You wouldn't think that this goal would not make him a villain...so he has to be pure evil all of the rest of the time.  He gives a big monologue in the rain to the dad before making his exit.  Well, that's good.  I was worried that you were going to do crazy stuff like summon ghosts and monsters to attack the family.  Oh wait, you still are!  When shit goes down (in this case, the daughter's dolls attacking her), the family decides to book it out of town!  Thankfully, the Indian man arrives at the family estate...but is not exactly greeted with open arms by the dad.  He learns to accept the man and faces the truth: they can't run away from this.  Considering that the first film was all about their house being haunted, this is kind of a cheat, don't you think?  The family learns to embrace their new helper, which is good when more shit goes down.  This time, the son's braces attack him and the other, forming a giant web of rusty metal!  How does the Indian help?  He stays back and watches the girl, of course.  Thanks for the help!

Things don't calm down for the Freeling family, no matter how much they want it to.  More ghosts and spirits appear, clearly showing where the budget went.  It's a shame that you couldn't pay Zelda Rubinstein to appear in more scenes, huh?  When Zelda finally shows up, she coerces/forces the mother to use her latent, psychic powers to learn the truth about the pastor.  His name is Kane (insert WWF joke here) and he led his followers into the cave before the 'apocalypse' came.  When it didn't, he made them stay, setting up a cave full of dead bodies.  He makes his big power play by possessing the father and forcing him to say mean things (ooh) before turning into a monster that comes out of Nelson's mouth (eww).  This change was done due to Beck's actual death, by the way.  Our heroes go back to the site of the bodies and try to bring them peace...only to have the daughter and wife be sucked into a dated-special effect.  The men follow them in, confronting a Treant-looking Kane in front of a blue screen effect.  They manage to pull their women back, using the power of a spear given to them by the Indian man.  All is well once again!  By the way, get better home insurance next time!

This movie...is actually pretty good, although it does have some problems.  The plot is good, even if it takes a weird detour from Part I.  A lot of the changes are due to the thing known as 'sequel-itis.'  The movie does everything it can to one-up the original, perhaps going a bit too far.  To see more examples of that, check out Part III!  The acting is good here, although the kids never quite do all that well.  It might be 'sacrilege' to say this, but Heather O'Rourke never really sells me here.  She's not terrible by any means, but I just wasn't sold- that's all.  As far as the effects go, they are either really good or really dated.  For example, one scene involves a possessed chainsaw floating around.  This looks really fake due to the dated-digital effects and the fact that it was made for 3-D!  Damn you, third dimension!  I will say that many of them are still genuinely-freaky (the Kane monster) and some of them are actually kind of subtle.  Watch for the make-up work done on Nelson to make his face look gaunt when he's possessed.  Does the film match up to the original?  Not really.  It's still not a bad effort and it's one that should be acknowledged more often.  Don't worry- it's not part of the curse to watch it.

Next up, we conclude our look our look at the Poltergeist sequels with Part III.  What do you do when have of your main cast is dead or replaced?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Day of the Dead

Japan just has a knack for movie posters full of big imagery and no context.  Today is no different as they tackle one of George Romero's most loved films: Day of the Dead...

Holy lack of context, Batman- what's going on?  Was this the best way to sell a movie about a zombie plague?  Seriously now...

Next up, let's take a look at some Hitchcock poster art.  Who wants to bet that it's from Poland?  Stay tuned...

Living Dead and Deader: A Virgin Among the Living Dead

Amongst the famous names in the exploitation genre, one stand-out is Jesus Franco.  Mind you, it's not related to quality of film- I defy you to prove me wrong- but it has more to do with quantity.  In his 'illustrious' career, Mr. Franco (his real name) has directed 192 films!  That's nearly four films a year, given that the first one was made in 1957!  Good God- take a break!  Amongst those films are such classics as Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies, Lulu's Talking Ass and Dr. Wong's Virtual Hell.  Yes, this guy has clearly been the Spanish Kurosawa.  Just to cover my ass (since he is 80): he's probably a nice guy in real life.  I'm here today to talk about his 56th film: A Virgin Among the Living Dead.  Also known as Zombi 4: A Virgin Among the Living Dead, Among the Living Dead and Christine: Princess of Eroticism, this film is basically a rip-off of Mario Bava's Twitch of the Death Nerve (which also has at least two alternate titles).  It centers around a group of family members gathering for the reading of the dead father's will.  There's more to it...but not really.  I'll do my best here, but I'm no magician.  Get out your giant black dildos for my review of...

The long credits sequence is displayed over some shots of a random city on the French Riviera.  While it's nice, the shots have nothing to do with the plot or what the film is really about.  Thank you, pointless filler from the first minute in!  Our heroine is a nice, virginal girl returning to the family estate for the reading of the father's will.  Mind you, she's virginal compared to everyone else.  Plus, she has at least six nude scenes in the film (sorry, I lost count), so take that for what you will.  The family is a group of weirdos.  To make things even worse, they're all so generic that it's hard to follow who exactly they are.  Should I care?  Give me a reason, movie!  On top of that, the film doesn't even get right to the whole 'reading of the will' thing until about another thirty minutes.  When even the film isn't interested in its own plot, why should I?  Instead of the plot, what do we get?  A long, slow-panning shot of the woman naked in bed and a scene where she goes skinny dipping. Her uncles...or grandparents...or something spy on her, only to be interrupted and chased off.  I would say that this was entirely pointless, but it served the exact point that it intended to.  Subtlety, thy name is not Franco!

As things progress, we finally get to the will-reading scene- forty plus minutes in.  The bulk of the estate goes to our heroine, which the others don't take well.  This scene is followed up with the family just sitting around and looking bored.  Hey, that's my job- not yours!  The whole thing just leads to more freaky scenes, including one where our heroine's sister/cousin is hanging out in her room naked and whipping her blind sister/cousin.  I wish I was making that up, but now I can't go to sleep without picturing that image!  Your legacy is now set, Jesus.  There's also a scene where our heroine wakes up from her sleep- naked, of course- and sees a giant, black dildo on the floor of her room.  Nothing happens, but I have to be worried when a film makes me think that it might!  In one of the film's few interesting moments, our heroine walks in after two of the relatives have killed off another one, playing with the corpse's disconnected-hand.  They try to hold a conversation with our heroine while one of them literally holds the body part behind their back!  That's kind of funny, but not enough.  Apparently, the dad can come back as a ghost and talk to our heroine Hamlet-style as well.  Wow, I can almost muster up the interest to care.  Sorry, I tried and failed.  Oh well.

Something interesting has to happen in the final section of this movie, right?  Well....

.

.

.

.

.

...no.  Some of the people get offed, our heroine gets seduced by some evil Queen and the family all walks into a lake.  The End.

This movie....zzzzz.  Sorry, I fell asleep while thinking about the movie again.  So yeah, this movie sucks!  Like most of the Franco films I've seen- including Mansion of the Living Dead and Dracula: Prisoner of Frankenstein- the movie has almost no plot.  There's enough of it to fill out a Netflix sleeve, but that's about it.  The acting is...well, it's terrible.  Mind you, this is the dubbed version- I had no other option- so it's not the best way to compare the real performances.  That said, when I look at the acting on screen, there's no way I can think that this would be better if I spoke fluent French!  The real focus of the movie is this: boobs.  Seriously, the movie leers and gawks at more women than a frat house watching Girls Gone Wild!  Hell, one of the first shots of our heroine involves her naked in bed and the camera lingers on her breasts for nearly 20 seconds...before finally moving on...to another part of her body.  Seriously, Jesus Franco has nothing on his mind but naked women...and made a career out of it.  If he's not going to try, I won't try.  I'm done here.

Next up, I cover a pair of '80s horror sequels that are either forgotten about or overshadowed by the stories behind the films themselves.  Will the first one be great or just a piece of ghost shit?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Midnight

Those of you with a good long-term memory will recognize the name John Russo.  As a producer on Night of the Living Dead, he tried to make a career as a horror director.  That led him to work on stuff like this...

Oh my God, it's Buster Keaton's worst nightmare!  Seriously though, why is there a giant clock- that looks like a rotary phone- trying to kill a naked woman?!?  I need answers...and only Vidmark Entertainment can bring them to me!

Up next, what's worse than a Satanic serial killer?  How about a killer that's so evil that he even pisses of Satan?!?  Stay tuned...

Living Dead and Deader: Hood of the Living Dead

August is here and it's going to be the month of themes.  The first you'll experience is the 'Living Dead' one.  In the forty-plus years since George Romero's cult hit, numerous films have attempted to co-op the appeal of that film by taking the title alone and making their own movie.  This will become apparent over the next couple of days especially, even more as the month goes by.  Today's film is a great example of this: a low-budget zombie film that's more of a rip-off of Re-Animator than any Romero film.  It is also set in an urban environment...which does nothing for me.  I can only hope that Stuart Gordon and George A. Romero can forgive me for even dignifying this crap with a review.  Get out your non-copyrighted formula for my review of...

The film begins with some long credits featuring silly font usage and shots of the inner city.  Does any of this feel real?  No.  Our story is centered around a young man living in a house with his older brother.  As it turns out, the older sibling is working in a genetics lab...which kind of kills the tone, don't you think?  He makes a big deal about needing to talk to his brother about some 'big news' after school.  The brother, well, acts like a teenager and blows him off.  That day, the brother goes to work at his lab and works on a serum to restore life to dead tissue.  Gee, I can't see how this will come into play later.  The brother does come home that afternoon for the 'chat,' which is about the brother wanting to move them to a nicer neighborhood.  Being the dick he is, the younger sibling says that it's all due to the brother's relationship with a white woman...which is somewhat true.  The real reason is for safety, as gangs are rampant in the area.  This will be important in about, oh, three minutes.  The brother goes out in a huff to party with his friends, only to get shot in a drive-by.  In desperation, the brother calls his white co-worker over with the formula that they were working on in order to bring the brother to life.  Oh good, we get the end of Re-Animator in the beginning of this story.  Yea.

The serum appears not to work, although this false tension is lost on the audience due to the film's title!  Sure enough, he comes to life as a zombie in the ambulance and kills the two workers.  He gets loose and converts some of the rival gang members that shot him to death earlier.  I should note that bullets to the head don't kill these zombies.  They eventually explain what does and it's...kind of obvious.  Our heroes figure out that something is going on and find some zombies.  Fortunately, they brought a gun to put down the one zombie lingering about.  The others, of course, are off looking for more 'food.'  One odd bit occurs when some of the other zombies go to attack some loitering teens.  Of course, since this movie needs to be padded out, we have to hear them talk for about three minutes before this happens.  They flee, all the while firing their 'gats' at the zombie.  For some reason, their muzzle flashes are bright blue!  What kind of gun are they firing?  A soldering gun?!?  Our heroes wander around some more and eventually find another zombie to kill.  They quickly realize that they are out of the league here and do the worst thing possible: they call their boss.

Oddly, the boss takes the 'zombie outbreak' thing pretty well, actually appearing more mad at them for waiting to call him!  He shows up with his ex-Black Ops bodyguard (a Ralph Moeller look-alike) and they split up to kill the zombies.  Within minutes of being introduced, the bodyguard walks up to a zombie attack (after another three minute filler bit) and gets bitten, apparently forgetting how to fire a gun!  The nebbish scientist actually does all the work, joined by one of the younger brothers' friends.  In an aside bit, the girlfriend shows up at the brother's house for a date, only to get killed by zombies.  Yeah, they come back to his house...for no reason the film explains.  That makes things simpler, huh?  On another street, our lead and the boss kill a bunch of zombies, although the boss gets some zombie blood in his mouth.  They go home, while the others are driving back with the slowly-dying Black Ops man.  Seriously, you suck!  Back at home, they discover the body and we get some pointless pathos.  The boss goes into the bathroom complaining about feeling ill and turns into a zombie!  He attacks our hero, who ends up being saved by the zombie brother.  Ah, blood is thicker than...um, zombie blood.  Both of them die, putting an end to the outbreak.  Oh right, the ambulance drivers kill a random passer-by (the film's co-director) and kill him.  The End?

Holy rip-off Batman, this movie sucks!  The story is ridiculous, trying to rip-off Re-Animator and Romero's works at the same time.  Making your film comparable to two better franchises is never a good idea!  The acting is...well, what do you think?  It's a bunch of non-actors trying to be actors in a 'big' production.  None of it works, although the zombies at least come off as menacing.  To be fair, how hard is it to be menacing when you're covered in corn syrup and fake entrails?  The whole thing just feels cheap and does little, stupid things to distinguish itself.  How do you kill zombies?  You shoot them in the heart.  Wow, because nobody would ever try that in a normal situation!  How do you become a zombie?  You have to be killed by them...or get their blood in your mouth.  Just getting bitten, however, just kills you.  Seriously?  I can't think of a good reason for why you would do this, but whatever.  Is this film good?  No.  Is it funny?  It has it's moments.  Mostly, it's just sad, low-budget and uninspired.  Good, because there sure aren't enough of those around!  You could have some fun with this, but you have to be pretty forgiving.

Next up, a second 'Living Dead' film comes to you from the maestro Jesus Franco.  It's less about zombies and more about, well, boobs.  Stay tuned...