Miike and Ike: Visitor Q

I'll be quite clear from the get-go: I was not sure what to expect from this movie.  Even Netflix's description really tells you nothing about what to expect.  All I knew was that it was going to be disturbing and controversial.  In that regards, the movie is a big success.  In terms of being an actual movie, I'm still a bit on the fence about the whole thing.  At first, it appears to be a series of unrelated vignettes.  However, it does turn into a sort of narrative about a family.  Incidentally, if you ever wanted to feel good about your own family, watch this movie!  For everyone else, read my review of...

The film begins with a long scene involving a man having a tryst with a prostitute.  It's a bit hard to follow, since it alternates between a steady-cam shot and a hand-held one.  If you want to be an art film director, Miike, you're on the right track!  I say it's long because it runs for about five to ten minutes long.  After this, we see him boarding a train.  For no apparent reason, a man picks up a rock and bashes him in the back of the head with it.  Um, what?

We cut to a kid coming home and beating the crap out of his mother for buying the wrong toothbrush.  He actually has a whole collection of sticks to beat her with.  You have issues, kid!

Our narrative cuts to the man walking home at night and looking paranoid.  He also has his head wrapped up in gauze, implying that he went to the hospital at some point.  He's very paranoid, but eventually calms down.  Mere seconds later, the same man from before clubs him in the head again!  Why?!?  Back at home, the kid goes to his room, puts on a gas mask and tries to sleep.  Before that can happen, a bunch of kids throw fireworks at his windows until they run out.  Why?!?

Finally, the narrative ties together as the man arrives at home...with the man from before.  After showing the mom trying to cover her bruises, the family sits down for dinner.  The kid beats up the mom again, which is something that the two men seem to ignore.  They don't even flinch when she is thrown through a door and merely ask for more ice.  Why movie, why?!?

More weird randomness occurs at the woman puts green make-up all over her face to cover up...the beating, I guess.  What is that shit exactly?  We get an awkward scene involving the mysterious attacker hugging the shirtless boy and asking him about his sister.  The movie eventually explains- sort of- that the young prostitute from earlier was actually the missing sister!  Did the dad know this?

The last straw for me involves a scene where the guy watches the news.  A reporter goes to talk to some youths.  Instead of talking, they beat him up and violate him in a way that was only legalized a few years ago in Texas!  Why, dear God, why?  Yeah, I'm done here.

That's right- I didn't finish this movie.  I would normally not do two reviews like this within a week, let alone at all.  In this film's case, I really did try.  I even fast-forwarded to later parts to see if it was more bearable.  All I know is that the mom becomes a prostitute- so, no.  The film is just so damn confusing and just so damn random.  Mind you, this is the same director who made Izo, so I shouldn't be that surprised.  That said, Miike has done some films with a simple...ish narrative (The Happiness of the Katakuris, Zebraman and The Great Yokai War).  Hell, Full Metal Yakuza feels like one of those 'Idiot's Guide To...' books by comparison!  This movie just feels like a series of bizarre ideas thrown into a giant pile and then filmed.  I get it, Miike- you're weird and experimental.  Next time, try making a story and I'll see how that goes!

Up next, Blockbuster Trash returns from hiatus with one of the two made-for-DVD sequels to Return of the Living Dead.  Has the series rotted or come up fresh?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Godzilla (1978)

I won't lie- this show has not aged well.  Here's what you need to know...

In 1978, Hanna-Barbera licensed the franchise to make a kid-friendly cartoon series.  This was around the time that Godzilla was still in his 'defender of the Earth' phase in the films, so this was not as jarring as you would think.  One interesting change was Hanna-Barbera not being able to license the roar and making their own.  In Japan, they got the real deal.

Unfortunately, many other odd changes were made.  The show followed Big G swimming around the world with a group of human scientists.  They would constantly run into weird monsters and do battle with them.  There's slightly more to the premise, but that's all you really need to know.  They also decided to give Big G some new powers, including heat vision.  Yes, heat vision.

Ironically, in a show about giant things, I'm ignoring the elephant in the room.  Just saying its name give its powers a la Cthulu, but i'll risk it: Godzooky!

Yes, they managed to make the Son of Godzilla into a more silly and annoying character.  Basically, he is Scrappy-Doo.  There- I said it!

Is this a good show?  No, not really.  It's a 1970's kid show licensed around Godzilla.  It is notable as a piece of animation and film history, but that's about it.  With that said, some people really like the kitschy stuff and will probably get many laughs out of this.  To be honest, the show is bearable enough...if you ignore Godzooky.  The show featured some bizarre monsters and premises, including but not limited to Time Dragon, The Chimera and The Cyborg Whale.  That should count for something, I guess.

Up next, we take a look at the 1999 cartoon series that everyone likes to ignore due to it's film connections.  Can it overcome this giant hurdle?

WTF Japan?!?: School of the Holy Beast

If you're a fan of controversial, foreign cinema, this name probably rings a bell.  In case you aren't, here's what you need to know.  Nunsploitation is a sub-genre of Exploitation that involves dirty deeds and nuns.  The films usually involve lesbianism, some whipping and some light bondage.  Cases in point: The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine, Images in a Convent or Sister Emanuelle.  Yeah, that last one is exactly what you think it is- a Black Emanuelle film with nuns in it.  While this has proved to not exactly be all that popular in Europe and America, it has lasted a bit longer in Japan, a country that is not Christian or Catholic.  The most recent one is apparently 1995's Big Tit Monastery (I'm not kidding).  Out of these films, this is one of the most notorious.  Well, let's jump right into...

The film begins with...hockey?  Yeah, it does.  A woman goes on a long date that involves drinking, dancing and sex with some guy.  Who is he?  I don't know and she barely does either.  The reason for this big date is because she's going into a Monastery the next day.  Why?  You'll find out later, Mr. Impatient!  The initiation is pretty strict and the rules are very strongly-enforced.  The first night, she sees a young woman whipping herself because she had impure thoughts.  In fact, most of the plot is just a set-up to these scenes.  The nuns commit such infractions as...
* A pair of them eat regular food in a large portion when a box opens.  Those bitches!
* Another pair makes out in a long sequence.  Those...I have a hard time getting upset by this.
* One of them goes to the lone male Priest and seeks counseling after she steals money for her poor family.
* Our heroine sneaks two men in (one is the guy from the beginning) and has them rape the Mother Superior.  Um, hurray?

So what punishment do these 'horrible' women get for their 'crimes?'
* The women are forced to whip themselves.
* The woman are whipped by the nuns.
* The Priest forgives her, gives her some money and then...rapes her.  Um, what now? 
* When they find out about her pregnancy, they whip her.  Yeah, this movie loves whipping.
* Our heroine is whipped and then hit in the face by large roses.  That's beautiful and painful.

The film eventually sets up and resolves the whole plot with our heroine.  Basically, her mother got pregnant and was whipped.  As she died from a self-hanging, she gave birth to our heroine.  Yeah, that's not how it works.  Eventually, she learns that the Priest was her dad.  You mean, one of the three men in the whole movie and the only one of the right age was the father- my God!  One of the higher-ranking woman tries to kill our heroine twice and eventually falls through her own trap door.  When a new nun is brought in to straighten (ha ha ha, irony) out the place, she punishes our heroine and later tries to kill her.  That attempt ends in her falling out of a window and being impaled.  To get at the Priest, she tricks the blind man into having sex with her!  She confronts him with his 'crime' and...the ghost of her mom rips his heart out.  Wait, what?  The End.

This film is not that good, but it does know what it wants to be.  The majority of the film is taken up by the lesbian/whipping scenes.  If you cut those out, you'd have about a thirty minute film!  The film is really just a series of pretenses to string those scenes together, so it's best judged as exploitation over actual cinema.  The women are pretty hot, although your 'enjoyment' is based on how much of a fan of whipping you are.  I know I've mentioned it a lot, but it is the elephant in the room.  The movie is full of more lacerations than there were aliens in Aliens!  If you're not into this for the exploitation, there's really not much else for you.  The plot is basically set-up in the beginning and the ending part, with the middle solely used for the dirty stuff.  It's not much of a movie, but it's definitely a notable work of exploitation.

Next up, I attempt to tackle another Miike film.  If you thought his films were random and non-linear before, just you wait.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Fog

Let's take a look at how the cult classic film The Fog was advertised in the land of the SS...

Um, what part of the movie is that from?  I think I missed that part.  It looks more like Barbarella while she was in Duran Duran's magical, orgasmic pipe organ than anything else!

Next up, Italy gets a chance at transforming a tale of mutagenic ooze into something even odder.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Land of the Lost (2009)

This might be a notable one to a lot of you, since so few people actually went to see this movie.  To them: shame on you.  Anyways...

The plot involves our heroes ending up in an alternated dimension full of dinosaurs.  Late in the film, they reach a valley where they find numerous objects from various times that have ended up there.

While they watch, an ice cream truck drops in- complete with its driver!

Unfortunately for him, the cheerful truck music lures the dinosaurs in and they eat him.

Save him, Will Ferrell!

Up next, a man learns not to tempt fate in a really bad horror film.  You fool!  You foolish fool!  Stay tuned...

Miike and Ike: Full Metal Yakuza

Takashi Miike is just a screwed up guy- let's be honest here.  The man is responsible for some sick shit and some weird shit.  More importantly, he's responsible for such a wide-range of stuff.  I mean, this guy made Audition, Zebraman and The Bird People in China.  Does this man have some sort of obsession with doing every type of film imaginable?  He also has an obsession with putting in extreme and dramatic gore into his movies.  Why?  I guess to challenge us as a society to accept the truth of how short and tragic life can be.  That or he really likes blood.  This film is best described as Takashi Miike's version of Robocop...not that any preparation would help.  This is...

The film begins with our hero fawning over a Yakuza man as he works for him as an intern.  The man goes off on does an assassination mission.  It's bloody and violent...which should be no surprise really.  The one thing to note: he cuts off one man's arm, but doesn't kill him.  Evidently, you can survive the blood loss and shock like a character from Kill Bill (you know the one).  Jumping ahead seven years, our hero is officially part of the Yakuza, but is not very good at it.  After failing to extort money from a mechanic, he is 'thrown over the cliff' by his buddy and demoted.  He also has a failed sexual experience with a woman and is beaten up by some teenagers.  The day looks up when his idol is freed from prison and rejoins the organization.  However, there is an undercurrent plot involving two people vying for the leadership role (one of whom is the newly-released man).  All of a sudden, a hit is put out on the man & he is shot by some men alongside our hero.  After a dream sequence, he wakes up as...a head on a table.  Ruh roh.

Everything is explained to us in a giant plot dump.  Basically, one of the Yakuza men sold their bodies and the mad scientist managed to make a cyborg.  He took most of the key parts from the tough Yakuza man (including his permanently-blurred out junk) and put them on the cyborg.  He teaches our hero how to use his robotic powers and to defend his few vulnerable parts via a defense tactic that looks like ballet- bad ballet!  Faster than you say 'blood, death and vengeance' our hero goes off seeking revenge.  He confronts the boss and beats up his former friend, but leaves him alive.  He kills some Yakuza before being directed to a different group who *definitely* are responsible.  He kills a bunch of them before being told that there are still more people to get back at.  Tired, he hides out a tent on the beach instead of doing more killing.  He runs across the woman who was working with the tough Yakuza in the beginning.  She explains that she is/was hopelessly in love with the man, in spite of seeing him split a man's head not five feet away from her.  They almost have sex, but the sight of the man's grafted-on back tattoo is too much for her.

In desperation, she tries to kill the crime boss who made the hit, but fails.  She ends up being captured by the people, put in a weird bondage situation and used as leverage.  Their goal: make our hero kill a different enemy.  He does this in the same style as the other Yakuza before, a fact that the movie feels the need to hammer in like a metal stud!  That night, a Yakuza man meets up with our hero at his beach tent, but the second-in-command (who also played the lead Xillian from Final Wars) blows up the tent.  Our hero escapes and leaves one of his cybernetic eyes behind to help him find them.  What he sees, however, is the people gang-rape his lady until she bites her tongue off and dies.  Yeah, good plan!  He kills a bunch of them in a bloody manner and finally faces off with his best friend.  A random sub-plot involving him being part-human shows up, but quickly vanishes as he cuts his foe in half after a ninja dash.  Unfortunately, his robot heart gives out and he dies.  The villain shoots a bullet in his mouth, but that proves to be enough fuel (don't ask) for him to shoot a never-before-seen tendril out and kill him.  The crazy scientist shows up and talks about making a new robot.  Our film ends with him flashing a Yakuza man (also blurred out) for no apparent reason.  Okay.

Yeah, this movie is...something.  It has a bit of an identity crisis, but I am not that surprised.  After all, this is the man that made a quirky, musical comedy involving a rash of accidental deaths at a B&B.  This is also the same man who made a family film involving evil demons throwing friendly Earth spirits into a giant furnace.  Hell, this guy made a time-tripping samurai film that's apparently about an existential journey of redemption!  For those wondering, those are The Happiness of the Katakuris, The Great Yokai War and Izo, respectively.  What about this film?  It's interesting, but uneven.  The gore comes at random points, as does the comedy and dramatic elements.  I suppose if I produced nearly 80 films in 20 years, my films might be a bit confusing too.  If you like action and gore, there's not a lot of it here.  It's mostly a big, quirky mess that is truly a Miike film.  Take it or leave it, really.

Up next, a controversial Japanese film is finally reviewed.  Do you like incest, sadomasochism and rape in your nun films?  Stay tuned...

Tromatic: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

I really, really don't like Troma.  I know a lot of people do and more power to them- I just don't.  Even so, they occasionally make films that appeal to my basest desires or morbid curiosity.  In this case, it is the latter.  In my defense, how easy is it to ignore a movie called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell?  Bear in mind, as my well, that I'm completely crazy.  So yeah, I logged on to my Netflix Streaming Account and watched this piece of crap.  Was it good?  You're really asking me that question?  The more important question: is it funny or bearable?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a long monologue about the world being destroyed by nuclear war.  They also make special note of which area was hit the worst: Tromaville.  Um, thanks.  We are also shown a ton of random shots that will show up...five minutes later.  You're a bit insulting towards our attention span, aren't you?  The woman- presumably our heroine, although it's only a voice here- also talks about how all of this gets her hot.  How does this relate to anything we see in the movie?  It doesn't.  You ready for the big reveal? 

This is not a Troma film.  They bought it and released it, but it's as much of a Troma film as Blood Sucking Freaks or The Stendhaal Syndrome!  They just tacked on this silly opening bit (but, oddly, not the car crash from Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.) to trick you. FAIL!

The film follows the exploits of our heroine as she wanders around the wasteland and gets into trouble.  A generic guy in a vest comes her way and saves her from some wandering, mutated men.  Before that, however, he kills a random worm monster with a crossbow.  Yeah, it works when you shoot it in the eye after about six tries, dumb-ass!

On a beach, we meet the villain of the movie, who appears to be Fallout reject dressed like the bad guys from Willow- odd combination!  Him and his group of not-Sleestaks kill a random Gnome guy (where is he from exactly) and chase our heroes.  During the night, they kidnap the woman, immediately rendering her helpless with a small bit of rope.  How did you survive again?  Thankfully, some random dinosaurs start fighting near them, which distracts the mutants enough for her to escape.  Thanks, dog monster from Ghostbusters!

We finally get a good hero in this film as a masked man with an axe who saves her.  We find out that he is some sort of mutant too, but he's nice.  Of course, he battles the evil villain and dies.  Aw, we're stuck with the dork, aren't we?  During all of this, our other hero meets some David Ogden Stiers-looking guy who gives him a 'boomstick.'  This comes in handy during the next scene when he kills a random swamp monster.  That's the thing with all of these 'monsters'- they just show up at random.  It's like someone went 'the audience is fading- toss in Dinosaurus!'  Speaking of random, a dinosaur tears off our villain's right arm, but he lives.  Our heroine is brought to the villain's base...which appears to be Castle Grayskull.  Someone save us!

The big battle is pretty dumb.  Basically, our hero shows up during a ceremony to sacrifice our heroine to some dinosaur thing.  By the way, random topless scene!  He busts in and takes out a few of the reptiles before running away.  Dude, you're armed!  Of course, our heroine fires off all of the remaining shots in a vain attempt to be useful- fail again.  Both of our leads struggle to take down the one-armed man, but eventually cause him to fall in the water where the two random dinosaur things eat him.  The End.

Yeah, this movie is not good.  It's a lame barbarian film crossed with an evil lamer post-apocalyptic film.  What's the apocalypse?  Stock footage.  What's the wasteland?  It's a freaking forest!  The rules of this thing are very vague as well, giving us fully-formed mutants, dinosaurs and humans.  Several of these things are not like the others, several of these things do not belong!  If you're a fan of Troma, don't let the title fool you.  This is an extremely-generic film that occasionally has some decent clay-mation/practical effects work in it.  There's no Toxie, no Lloyd Kauffman and no Kabukiman.  Hell, they don't even get Lemmy from Motorhead to be in this crap!  It's about as much of a Troma film as Transmorphers: Fall of Man is a Syfy Channel Original Picture!  This movie is not worth the crap that it was printed on it and is just not that entertaining.  Even veteran film-mockers like myself struggled to get through this turd.

Up next, Takashi Miike shows up again with a film about crime, guns and...a cyborg.  What did I get into?  Stay tuned...

WTF Britain?!?: Jane & The Lost City

For regular readers, my review of The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak should still be pretty fresh.  That film was a French adaptation of an erotic (sort-of) comic strip.  Today's film is a British adaptation of a racy (sort-of) comic strip.  What does this film going for it if it doesn't have Tawny Kitaen topless?  How about Flash f-ing Gordon himself!  That's right- Sam J. Jones is in this movie with brown hair.  Yeah, apparently he was doing The Spirit (a very rare made-for-tv film in 1987) so he has it here.  It also has some other notable people in small, silly roles but is mostly built around our Jane.  Oh yeah, it's also directed by guy who made Hawk the Slayer.  Can the Brits outdo their rivals here?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a group of people out in Africa.  One of them arrives all battered and bruised & claims that he found 'the lost city.'  Guess we'd better get to changing the name!  Unfortunately, two of the men are killed, leaving the third to flee...into the hands of some Nazis.  The lead Nazi woman (Maud Adams) sends orders for the Brits to be intercepted before they can get over and try to find the place for themselves.  Her lead henchmen (picture a more annoying Tony Hale) sends his brother to do the job, but he doesn't have much luck.  At this point, you get a glimpse of the level of humor the film has planned for you.  First, the man is foiled by the old 'someone opens the door as you approach it' bit and later by the woman accidentally causing the anchor to drop.  We also get the most notable running joke with Jane: her dress keeps getting ripped off.  She's always wearing the same bra and panties set when it happens too, so she either has 1,000 pairs of that or never washes them.  Eww.  It happens when a random guy in a cast is brought by and lightly touches her.  It looks faker than the infamous bit from Future War!

After meeting up with a bad Churchill impersonator, the woman, her lead General and his butler go off to Africa.  Mid-flight, the pilot leaves and reveals that he is the other twin brother of the Nazi henchman.  Yeah, they're doing that joke.  He kicks all of the parachutes out and leaps out, but grabs the cooking equipment instead of one for himself.  Our heroine manages to crash the plane into the ocean & the trio ends up on the beach.  In an odd moment, the butler wonders aloud about how they got there, since he can't swim.  Um, what?  Everything goes alright until they are surrounded by killer Africans, only to be saved by 'Jungle Jack' (Jones).  In another odd moment, Jane lies about their reason for being there- it is a secret mission, after all- and says that they are hunters.  'Jack' freaks out and insults them...until the General tells him the truth about 1 minute later.  What was the point of that then?!?  At a hotel, we get a parody of Psycho when the woman is stalked in the shower by the dumb Nazi.  In the next room, a new, tougher henchman goes to kill the General, but slips on the soap and slides about 20 feet, knocks down the other Nazi and crashes through a wall.  That's either a good balancing act or some strong soap!  Jack gets captured by the Nazis and they figure out where the city is...sort of.

Our heroes eventually free Jack, although Jane falls for the 'torn-off dress' bit twice in about five minutes.  I guess they had a quota.  The Nazis wander about for a while until our the Butler recalls where the map was after a night of drinking.  They find the place first, only to be captured by different Africans.  After our heroine is disrobed again, she punches out the Queen to reveal...that she is British.  Yeah, apparently Sporty Spice here is the descendant of the tribe's leaders, but even she doesn't know where the diamonds are.  Within five minutes of getting freed, Jane and her friends find them- sigh.  She agrees to give the diamonds as a loan to Britain for WWII, but this proves to be a moot point as the Nazis steal them and lock our heroes up.  After escaping, our Queen runs across her boyfriend and rides off.  That was more abrupt than the villainess leaving in Deathstalker II!  Our heroes sneak onto the plane occupied by the Nazis and battle them.  In a *wacky* twist, we learn that the giant Nazi guy is afraid of Jane's dog.  The villains eventually flee the plane and our heroes win the day.  In an epilogue, we get a Casablanca parody that ends with the dumb Nazi being crushed and Jane being disrobed by a sliding luggage cart.  The End.

This film is bad, but it does have its moments.  Don't get me wrong- it is meant to be silly and dumb, but it's not that funny.  It has about four different jokes and runs them into the ground.  Occasionally new ones show up, but they don't last long.  It's full of every cliched joke you have ever thought of and nothing more.  Some of the acting is good though. Jones brings all the swagger that he brought to Flash Gordon and some of the Nazis are good.  The lead henchmen is freaking irritating though and his whole shtick is DOA, but never stops.  The lead Nazi woman is alright, but her role is mostly just to look down at everyone.  The General and his Butler are funny, but their parts are about as one-note as everything else here.  Nothing all that great happens here and it's just not that good.  Say what you will about Gwendoline, but it was pretty unique in a lot of ways.  Close us out, dancing fat guys!

Up next, I cover a rare Troma film that happens to be available for Instant Viewing.  There has to be an up-side right?  Right?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Grapes of Death

Jean Rollin is a big name in French cinema...if you're into weird, horror crap.  For everyone else, there's Truffuat.  Today's poster comes to us from his other zombie film (not the one with the Nazis) that is somewhat less-renowned, but somewhat better.  I mean, check this crap out...

Wow, that's something!  Tell me that you wouldn't go see this movie now- I dare you!

Seriously though, this movie does have some decent moments in it.  Those Ogre dudes never show up though.

Up next, a Hammer film that dares to show you...um, emasculation.  Hurray?  Stay tuned...

Happy Rabbit Day: Peter Rottentail

I really don't like holidays.  It's not that I have no holiday spirit or anything.  It's actually due to the crap that I end up watching on them.  Case in point: the entire two weeks around Christmas, which brought some 'classics' like Psycho Santa, Satan Claus and Feeders 2.  Speaking of Feeders 2, it was a film made by the infamous Polonia Brothers.  They were behind a shit-on of movies (today's film is apparently their 22nd!) and this continues to this day.  Of course, one of them died tragically in 2005.  On the plus side, it is long enough ago that I can freely mock him and his kin for their shitty movies.  This magnum opus was shot in 6 days and with a budget of less than what a single Friends cast member got in those last few seasons.  This is...

The film begins with a crappy magician failing to perform a trick or two at a party.  Get used to the word 'failing' in this review- it will show up a lot!  After leaving in desperation, he runs into a man who looks like Rob Zombie...as a bum who gives him some potion made out of witches tears, a virgin's blood and all sorts of cliched crap.  At the next party- hosted by one of the two Polonia Brothers- his tricks end just as badly.  In desperation, he drinks the potion and says that he is going to summon the spirit of Peter Rottentail.  Just to note: he was not told what the potion would do...so why did he think that this would work?  After getting booted from the party, he is spoken to by the spirit of the mysterious 'Zombie bum.'  A hat and a meat cleaver appear on the ground, he looks at the kid who walks out and...the movie cuts to the man committing suicide for fear of being arrested for what he did.  Um, what was that exactly?  As a bonus, the hat has hole already cut in it.  Why ever would it have those?  We are next introduced to our main characters: a redneck loser and a guy who looks like Lee from Still Gaming.  Joy.

Our two heroes are given the task of cleaning up grandma's house in order for it to be sold by the uncle.  Before that, a pair of stoners wander into the place looking for pot.  They stumble across a book and proceed to read a magic spell.  How magic is it?  It appears on the inset cover a book that has no words in it!  I know this because the actor turns the book just far enough downwards to reveal this fact.  Our title character shows up and stabs them to death with a carrot.  I can believe a lot, but you're pushing it, movie!  So this sub-human killer is the magician who escaped his own grave and plans to kill the now-grown-up kids from the party.  He gets one of them at the front of a house by tricking the bum into drinking witch's piss, which melts his insides and causes blood to pour out of his mouth.  Of course, since this movie has to pad out it's 65 minute run-time, he does this after about five minutes of stupid antics.  I'm more amused by Chucky and I freaking hate that puppet!  We also get a seemingly-unrelated sub-plot about a neighbor woman.  Oh, there is eventually pay-off, but it's stupid as hell.

After some more filler- including an 80's-style fixing things up montage- another random guy is killed by Rottentail as he sits at a pay-phone.  This adds nothing- thanks, movie.  The two heroes have some trouble and arguments about the 'Lee' constantly harping about the party from the beginning.  It's run into the ground so much that even his best friend hates him.  One unintentionally-funny bit has the white trash guy going to 'a strip club' that consists of the corner of a basement and a pinball machine!  More filler comes as Rottentail sneaks into the woman's house, only to say that he has no time for this.  Why did you do it then?!?!?  After showing the same 'going to bed shot,' the rabbit breaks in again later and greets her with a flower.  Naturally, she invites him in for sex.  Back to the 'plot,' Rottentail kills the white trash guy with the carrot through a silly P.O.V. shot.  When his friend comes back, he faces off with Peter.  Oh and he relives his memory of being chased to...safety.  You built all the way up to that nothing reveal, movie?!?  A silly fight breaks out and Rottentail is defeated after his hat is taken off and stepped on.  In our epilogue, the woman from before gives birth to...a talking Rottentail baby.  No sequel for you, movie!

This shit is terrible- plain and simple.  Mind you, it's a Sub Rosa film and by the Polonia Brothers- I knew that.  That said, it still managed to be more annoying and insulting than I could have possibly thought.  Where to begin?  The shitty writing, acting, production, editing and effects.  Yeah, that's a good start.  We get unimpressive deaths, annoying characters and a graveyard that looks worse than in Plan 9.  The film's production year- 2004.  The acting is incredibly-bad and even makes student films look bad.  That's the real key here: assumed quality.  While I don't expect much from Sub Rosa, the Polonia Brothers state in the Audio Commentary that this was their 22nd film.  Wouldn't you think that they could have put out an adequate plot or production by then?  One scene that summarizes the quality is this one.  The two leads go to the crappy graveyard and 'discover' the bodies of the stoners from earlier.  The lone shot of the bodies consists of them lying on what is clearly a carpet.  Close me out, ironic shot of a Polonia brother.

Next up, a British comic comes to us as the follow-up to my review of Gwendoline.  Will it be a dud or as awesome as a chariot pulled by Amazons?  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: Moon in Scorpio

Like many of the films on this segment, I have not had the pleasure/displeasure of seeing them.  I'm just a little too young to have been able to enjoy the VHS craze in regards to horror films.  This is especially regrettable when I see stuff like this...

I don't know what the hell this story is about, but it has to be interesting.  I mean, it's got a sea scorpion (maybe), evil skull clouds and a ravaged boat.  How can this not rule?!?

Up next, a Brooke Shields classic gets a box art design that can only be called one word: esoteric.  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Skeleton Key 2- 667 Neighbor of the Beast

Okay, I have to be honest with you: I could not finish the movie.  Hell, I barely made it to the fifteen minute mark of the film.  It's bad- it's real bad.  So what can I do?  Do I just ignore this movie and do something else?  Do I give up and admit defeat?  Never!  Hell, let's just improvise, shall we?  Rather than a full review (I literally dare anyone to do a full one), consider this more of a text-style V-Log (yes, I realize how that sounds) than a review.  This is (some of)...

* The film begins with a random introduction by the director.  It's pointless, distracting and dumb.
* A second introduction has a very annoying video store worker greeted by a friend with a copy of Skeleton Key 2.  He freaks out the guy out, so, naturally, the guy goes to leave.  The man has a normal reaction: knocking the guy out and tying him up.
* By the way, the 'friend' is played by a P.O.V. cam like Ernest's unseen friend Vern.  Ugh.
* The film's title screen is about four different names repeated for different jobs.  The background is a cheap-looking CG castle right out of a PC game from 1992.  The film's release year: 2008.
* In the actual film (Thank God...wait), a man talks to us...more.  Is this supposed to be interesting guys?
* Anyhow, he explains that he used to be a reporter, but now owns the place due to finding a five-legged goat in Afghanistan.  I've got nothing.
* Everything is happy and he has a woman.  When he goes to see her, she is sucking on some random woman's nipple.  After he leaves, she resumes the activity like nothing happened.
* He has a minor freak-out and puts on an old, tattered suit.  Hey movie, want to explain this?  No?  Okay then.
* He gets a tape from Nilbog and, you know what, what else can I say that will top this?  Seriously- they're using the name 'Nilbog!'
* After commenting that he has no player for the VHS tape, a second copy is dropped off- labeled as 'Also from Nilbog'- on DVD.
* The tape has a bunch of random people dancing around before an unseen force kills them.  Actually, it causes them to run three inches off-screen and toss a bucket of blood against the wall.  One guy shoots himself in the head before this happens.  Ha ha- it's funny because he died!
* One jump cut later, one remaining guy- in a turban, by the way- is tied up (barely) to a chair while two men dressed like Pee-Wee's genie sit near him.  Yeah, I'm done.

Seriously, I dare someone to make it through this crap.  You think I'm exaggerating to be funny?  After watching this, I tried to watch anything else to review instead.  You know what sounded good- Single Black Female.  This is what you've driven me to, movie!  You're making tomorrow's terrible movie sound so much better.  Let's just move on and say that we never saw this movie, alright?  Good job.

Next up, I celebrate the resurrection of our Lord with the resurrection of me reviewing a Sub Rosa Film.  I'm going to need divine intervention!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Aliens

I'm usually not one to indulge in Polish jokes (okay, I do a little), but I'm beginning to put more stock in them after their poster work.  Let's see what they do to Aliens...

Um, it's not about a killer snake guys.  You did watch the movie, right?  Take two...

Well, that's better...but still stupid.  I get that you meant the woman to be Sigourney, but what the hell are those bubbles for?  You guys need help.

Next up, I'll give Poland a break and pick on Germany.  They bring us a John Carpenter cult-classic and...do something odd with it.  Stay tuned...